Operation Doppelganger
by EEevee
Summary: Matthew had thought this over a million times, now he just had to voice his idea. He cleared his throat and whispered, "Hey, you want my twin brother, I like you; I think we can work something out here." Warning: college AU, human names, snarky!Canada
1. Chapter 1

Title: Operation Doppelganger  
Author:eveliens/eeevee  
Genre : humor/ romance (?)  
Characters: America, Canada, Russia; one-sided RussiaxAmerica, CanadaxRussia  
Rating: T for some language and implied sexual situations  
Warnings: snarky!Canada, human names, highschool AU  
Summary: Matthew had thought this over a million times, now he just had to voice his idea. He cleared his throat and whispered, "Hey, you want my twin brother, I like you; I think we can work something out here."  
A/N: Written for my best friend's birthday. The idea jumped me and wouldn't let go.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or any of the characters. This is a not-for-profit fanwork.

Chapter One

There were times with Matthew Williams wished he was an identical twin instead of a fraternal. It wasn't often because he didn't really enjoy being chased and screamed at for womanizing that he hadn't done, but now was one of those times. Of course, looks wouldn't do much without his brother's insufferably charismatic and blinding personality. Mathew ruefully thought that he could look like a model out of a magazine and it wouldn't do him a lick of good when he acted like a mouse.

And like a mouse, he was watching passively.

Specifically he was watching a certain Russian exchange student watch his brother. Except calling it 'watching' was like calling a lion ripping up a baby zebra playing. The heavy blond was devouring Alfred with his violet eyes and all but drooling all over the floor.

And his idiot brother was completely oblivious! The dumbass was flirting merrily with a group of girls, showing off his biceps and doing whatever dumb things football captains tended to do to impress the ladies.

"Moron." Matthew muttered to himself, disgusted once again with his brother. And it wasn't even Alfred's fault this time. Not like the last time where his brother's stupidity involved his very treasured X-box and some beer. Man, he had been pissed, and by the end of his tirade Alfred was cowering wide-eyed against their bedroom wall.

But of course Alfred wouldn't notice. He had a reputation that rivaled the Italian twins, who both seemed to be socially retarded in all other aspects other than romance, with the ladies. It wasn't like the dunce was particularly romantic—he wouldn't know that that was if it bit him in the butt—but he was good looking and easy going. And Mathew was just his cute but not-particularly-sexy brother who was small and disappeared. With the good grades and a love of mathematics and space, so he was a nerd to boot. Just a huge lady magnet, that was him.

It was a good thing he was gay or he would probably never get laid.

Alfred now had his best friend, a quiet boy from Japan, in a headlock and was demonstrating some fake karate move or other. Kiku's frantic voice could be faintly heard as he tried to pull the arms around his throat and chest off enough to breathe again. Matthew glanced at the Russian, who was now glowering openly, clearly miffed (or jealous?) about Kiku's monopoly of Alfred's affections. Matthew was sure Alfred simply hugged and touched the Japanese boy because he knew it made Kiku flustered. You never saw him hanging on his other best friend, Arthur, that way (and if he did it would be short lived; Arthur had a mean right hook when provoked).

But the Russian, Ivan, couldn't know that. After all, he had just transferred two weeks ago. It hadn't taken him long to accomplish two things: get hopelessly tangled in Alfred's heroic charisma (Alfred _loved_ transfer students; he could manipulate the unsuspecting students into believing he was on par with God) and had proceeded to creep out and or terrify the rest of the student body (which resulted in that particular section of the bleachers being completely deserted; it was a boon for Matthew because he always had a terrible time in crowds, they just tramped him).

Matthew couldn't say what attracted him to Ivan. Big and scary was not only counter to his existence but simply not his type. His last boyfriend had been well-built, but not particularly tall, with a shock of white hair and a wild grin. His activities were even more wild than his looks, hence the quick, bloody death of their short relationship. Matthew's parents ensured that. Alfred never even noticed. Hell, he still kept trying to hook Matthew up with his leftovers out of "generosity." Matthew wished he would hook him up with his delicious looking Spanish tutor instead. He was sure he could get a lot more out of the _lessons_ than Alfred did, considering he only kept his Spanish grade up high enough to stay on the team.

I should go over and talk to him, Matthew fretted, and idly chewed on a hangnail. If I weren't such a wimp I would've got his attention the first day, Alfred be damned.

That was a silly notion. He had never been able to compete with Alfred for attention. It was the tragic element to their twinhood. Matthew might get more attention if he were an unborn lump on Alfred's abdomen, the twin that was not quite absorbed in the womb.

You could just talk to him, Matthew coached himself. He probably is lonely and confused. He'd like a friend.

A friend.

But friendship could turn into something more?

Oh, that's such bull. Matthew thought to himself and brushed a curl away from his eyes. Just because he was gay didn't mean he believed those cheesy chick flicks about soul mates and deep, adoring love. Besides, he wasn't sure he wanted deep love. That seemed pretty heavy for someone in his first year of college. Wasn't college a time to explore? Without his parents' intervention this time. He had a feeling Ivan wouldn't meet the standards set for their precious angel anymore than Gilbert had.

Gathering his courage, he picked his way down the metal bleachers. Normally he would pay more attention the where he was going but it wasn't because he was a klutz, his chosen sports being hockey and basketball, both of which got him mocked mercilessly for being too short, too little, too cute. He really shouldn't have aimed the puck at the guy's face, no matter how much of an asshole he had been. But that was why God made face guards after all; to protect dumb brutes so they could spread their superior genes across the female populace willy-nilly.

He wasn't a klutz but it was hard to keep your balance when your brother, who must be part howler monkey, screams your name, startling you as you were stepping down. So down he went, right on top of the staring Russian.

Hadn't Matthew just thought he didn't believe in hokey girlie films where the dashing prince catches the blushing damsel? He wasn't a damsel, and to make it even more awkward he landed face first in Ivan's rather generous lap between his legs.

Something that shouldn't have even been physically possible!

"That's so gay!" Alfred was howling with uncontrollable laughter, unaware how close his comment hit home. He was trying to gasp out more, probably more blithering insensitivity, but was choking on his own spit and turning purple. Served him right.

Matthew flushed to match his hoodie but made no move to extract himself in any hurry. Thank God he opted for looser jeans because the tight ones might have been too tight at this moment. It was bad enough that his nose was inches away while the top of his head leaned into Ivan's surprisingly firm tummy. He could feel the body heat that went with intimacy rolling off the thick legs that surrounded him and he could only imagine how it would look and feel if there weren't pants between them.

A strong hand clamped down on the back of his hoodie and he was pulled backwards easily. Dangling an inch or so above the riser but still uncomfortably close, Matthew dared to look up. The first thing his eyes met were pink, chapped lips. A tongue flicked out to wet them before sliding back in behind white teeth and a teasing smile. He continued up, taking in the strong, defined nose that dominated the rather rounded face. But he was fixated on the eyes. They were a very particular shade of violet and… surprisingly open. He could read the innocent surprise and delight in them. He could read other things too, things that were not so nice and innocent, but those two emotions stuck out the most.

And that took Matthew off guard. He had practically made a career of reading people after being ignored for his entire life. It was easy to read people when you could stare at them, see their moves, their actions.

Well, and it didn't hurt that he was a psychology major.

And it was rare to see someone who didn't look through him.

" That was very clumsy of you, da?"

Matthew wasn't surprised by his voice. It was easy enough to hear his childish lit for even the most amateur stalker. Ivan's voice was very distinct.

"It was Alfred's fault." Matthew replied softly, trying not to sound pendulant. After all, his brother had inadvertently scored him an opening. He felt his knees press against the metal riser beneath him and struggled not to tip after Ivan let go of him.

The object of his irritation had finally caught his breath and was climbing the bleachers towards them with a wide smile.

"Hey Mattie, that was such a cool flip-twirl-thing, but I think your aim was a bit off. You were awfully close to giving the dude a blowjob. Ivan, my man, how are you doing today?"

"I am well. And you?"

"Doing awesome, as usual." Alfred chuckled, his sky blue eyes twinkling, a sure indication he had chugged a grande carmel frappe, complete with whip cream, sauce and sprinkles—Alfred was such a child sometimes-, within the last two hours. "You settling in okay, big guy? You seem to be getting the lay of the land."

If Alfred was referring to the fact that Ivan could find the football field, well, that wasn't much of a compliment. The football _dome_ as it should really be called was as big as the school. It was decked out with a moveable awning, high powered halide lights, an announcer's box with the latest PA equipment, and meticulous astro turf. It was Alfred's wet dream; he got to beat the other team to a pulp physically _and_ psychologically while looking fabulous doing it. Matthew thought it was a huge waste of tax dollars. The science department had leaky roofs for heaven's sake! Not to mention the deplorable and downright dangerous parking situation.

"I am slowly becoming accustomed to your campus. It is quite lovely to look at."

Alfred stared blankly.

"The trees are very gorgeous, they must be centuries old, and I especially appreciate the sunflower field that borders the back of the campus." Ivan elaborated.

"Er, yeah, we've got cool, uh, plants and shit here."

Matthew grinned a little as he watched his brother flail around, out of his element. While Alfred enjoying being outside, doing manly things as he called it, he wasn't a huge fan of nature. The last time they had gone camping, he had spent most of the time complaining about the _got damn bugs the size of rats_ and the lack of internet access. The only time he shut up was when they were doing something physical, like climbing a sheer rock face on a dare… without any safety cords. That was such a rush.

"The oaks date back to before the Civil War." Matthew added shyly. He had meant it to come out strong and know-it-all but it just sounded squeaky to his ears. Ivan started and looked down. Matthew looked away with a blush, realizing it had taken less than a minute to be forgotten. Despite practically sitting on the other boy's feet.

"Hey, I gotta an idea!" Both Matthew and Ivan winced as Alfred screeched. Howler monkey, really, just saying. "Mattie, why don't you show Ivan around a bit more? Like, you know, that science place you go to when you do your labs. I'd totally do it, but, you know, practice." More like Alfred was allergic to places of learning.

"I-I don't mind."

_Yes!_ Matthew knew there was a reason he didn't strangle Alfred in the womb.

"That would be satisfactory." Ivan nodded, "Although, who are you? It would be nice to have a name, da?"

Matthew tried not to get his hopes up; people forgot his name all the time.

"Matthew. I'm Alfred's twin brother."

He tried not to shiver as the violet eyes rolled over him, registering that he did, in fact, look quite a bit like Alfred. He looked between the two for a moment more. Both stood still after years of scrutiny. With a slight chuckle, he gave a childish smile: "It is like a mirror, da?"

Alfred looked horrified, "Nu-uh!"

Matthew stuck his tongue out at his brother, who ignored him, still looking mildly dismayed about the Russian's comment. Alfred gave them both a friendly thump on the shoulders and went off towards the field.

"Matvey," Ivan carefully stood, towering over him, "I am Ivan. It is nice to make your acquaintance, da?"

Matthew thought that sounded a little too close to his brother's hated nickname for him (Mattie was a girlie name after all!) but he didn't comment. If Ivan wanted to call him Matvey, he was cool with that. "Um, yeah. Why don't I show you the labs?"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I hope everyone is enjoying the story. Just a couple of quick notes here. First, I am raising the rating to M for LANGUAGE and possible sexual situations in the future. I'm sure y'all have heard it before if you've gone to public school, but the guys are a little crass, especially Alfred. I started writing this as a gift for a friend and it was supposed to be a one-shot, so I'm not sure how far it will go, and the plot premise is pretty simple. My sister has titled it Operation G.I.R.P. (get in Russia's pants). Other pairings have been decided and will take affect next chapter. If none of that scares you away, enjoy :) Reviews are love!

Chapter Two

Matthew wasn't even sure why he was here. He really, really hated parties after all. There were drunks and tmi all over the place and disturbing spills on the carpet that he was quite sure wasn't all booze… and nobody ever asked him to dance or remembered who he was.

Plus, he had a very important biology test tomorrow.

Beside him Ivan was craning his neck and watching the proceedings with wide-eyed intensity.

Oh right, he was Ivan's "escort" per Alfred's request. All week it had been 'I'd totally take him Mattie, but I've gotta help set up! You can help him out, right?'

"Matvey, why are…" Matthew looked over in complete horror as two rather unattractive women were (and he supposed this was attempting to be seductive…) stripping off their clothing. Matthew winced at the inadequate support, slightly nauseated by the jiggling. He grabbed Ivan's arm, and would've covered his eyes if he could reach that high without jumping, dragging him towards the backyard. It was twinkies to donuts that Alfred would be by the pool. He was just that stupid sometimes.

And since Alfred was just that predictable, Matthew was right. They found him milling around on the back porch. On the roof. His blue eyes were fogged over and he had a dopey grin on his face. He was intently trying to gauge the distance between the roof and the pool.

"Just do it." Matthew muttered under his breath. If only their parents knew half of what their little star athlete did in his spare time. A broken arm might teach him a lesson about being a drunk daredevil. Probably not. It would probably just land him in a hospital with more flowers, candy, fruit and cards than paparazzi at Michael Jackson's funeral.

"Alfred!"

Alfred peered down blearily, almost losing his balance on the tiles before zeroing in on Ivan, who had a hand up. His grin spread even wider if that was possible and he waved back energetically, promptly smacking himself in the nose. Ivan giggled and Matthew sighed.

Okay, so being dumb and drunk was cute?

"Ivan!" Alfred tried to weave towards the edge but cautiously slowed down, looking cross-eyed at the holly bushes below. Before either of them could say anything more he whooped and jumped straight down.

Matthew went into crisis mode. Which, with Alfred, meant he started laughing so hard he couldn't stand up straight. Oh, and completely panicked, which explained the hysterical laughter. At least that's what the shrink had said to his parents. Normal people reacted to panic with a variety of reactions; Matthew burst out laughing as the blood poured out and his brother screamed on the ground. It was a very unflattering habit, he had to admit, but he only did it around Alfred.

Fortunately for his brother Ivan had good reflexes. The large Russian leaned over the bushes and deftly caught the plunging drunk by the back of his jacket. Unfortunately, and due to a hefty amount of karma involving Alfred and the French neighbor's destroyed rose garden, Matthew was sure, his jacket ripped. The resounding screams stopped all nearby activity. It didn't help that Alfred's baggy jeans and boxers hooked on a branch and went down to his ankles, ensuring that the back of his legs and butt were full of prickles.

"But I wanted children!" Alfred howled as Ivan carefully fished him out. Matthew was now rolling on the ground, barely missing the puddles of not-water. Alfred was apparently not drunk enough to drowning in a lack of lucid thought that accompanied drunkness. And that meant he realized just how humiliating his situation was, never mind that his ass looked like a porcupine had tried to hump him the wrong way. "God, my nuts."

Ivan took the opportunity to get an eyeful (and Matthew had to admit was a nice view, if Alfred wasn't so aggravating… oh, and his brother, gross) of Alfred's junk.

"Perhaps we should see if they are still in working order, da? They do not appear to be broken; however, appearances can be deceiving."

And Matthew decided this needed to stop right there. He didn't really want to see Ivan diddling his drunk brother in the middle of Arthur's backyard. After all, if Ivan was going to be doing that to anyone, it better be him. Oh God, did he just think that? A mortified blush coated his entire face and he gathered himself up off the ground.

"I think he might need some medical treatment, eh? He wouldn't want an infection down there…" Matthew said, trying to tug his brother's pants back up. All he succeeded in doing was making Alfred scream louder as the fabric caught on the welts. He didn't add that Alfred didn't need _that_ kind of infection anyway; he was sure that his brother had run into a few other kinds because he slept through sex ed. "Can you pick him up Ivan?" Matthew added in his head (if not, you can just drag him; a few more hits to the head won't hurt him in this state) "And follow me. I think Arthur has a first aid kit in his bathroom." Matthew said (and failing that it wouldn't hurt to slip Alfred some tranquilizers—he sounded like someone was trying to neuter him with a rusty knife).

Somehow Ivan managed to scoop the thrashing football star up and stagger after Matthew. He tried to pick the most direct route to the upstairs bathroom but after tripping over Gilbert, Antonio, and Francis engaged in a scary game of, well, something that involved few clothing, beer bottles and oh god that shouldn't have gone there, and then interrupting the Asians having a face off on Guitar Hero shouting 'Move out of the way, aru!' And 'Muse was invented in Korea!', he took the back way.

Which unfortunately involved going through Arthur's parents' bedroom. Matthew considered it to be a terrible idea to live on ones parents' house while in college, let alone throw a kegger in it, but as he pulled Ivan and his brother along into the most disturbing thing yet he almost cried for them. It was best they were on vacation in London.

His jaw dropped and his eyes bugged out. He stopped in the doorway, drawn into the horror of the situation, and blocking Ivan. The big Russian peered over him (and Alfred kicked him, the jerk) and giggled.

Arthur, who was more than a little sloshed, had a unicorn in one hand and a Barbie in the other. He was making the two dolls dance around and sing, caterwauling about leprechauns and yetis or something like that. Yetis were a little more manly that what he actually slurred, which, Matthew interpreted as faeries. The Barbie did a fantastic leap and landed on the unicorn's head.

"And thash—thash what we should doooooooooooo." Arthur informed Kiku who was quietly watching him on his right. "Ano, forgive me Arthur, but I do not understand."

Matthew almost puked (okay, did puke, but only a little, in his mouth). Ivan tittered and whispered something in Russian. Alfred made loud gagging noises, informing the two that they had uninvited company.

"Dude," Alfred complained, "That's so gay." And Matthew wryly noted he said this as he hung half-naked from another man's arms bridal style. "Nobody plays with My Little Pony anymore! That was like, when I was five!" Trust Alfred to miss the point—no pun intended.

Matthew was sure that Arthur hurt the hearing of every dog within a three block radius with his harpy shriek.

"Whatever. You got any codeine?"

"Alfred!" Matthew scolded. It was one thing to slip his brother too much Benadryl to shut him up (age six, drink this grape soda!) but it was another to let him down prescription drugs after however many beers he had. He turned to Arthur, who was drooping, "We need some cotton balls and hydrogen peroxide."

Arthur blinked at him sluggishly before passing out on the floor. Kiku looked curiously at Alfred who supplied 'I fell out of a tree saving a kitten' and then glanced at Ivan. His face turned into a tight, polite smile, one Matthew recognized as a oh fuck, this is uncomfortable, but be strong, be polite, don't dishonor my ancestors smile. It also got a bit icy. It took Matthew a second to realize that Kiku and Ivan had an altercation the day before when the Russian cornered the smaller boy in the locker room. Alfred stopped it before it got too out of hand after admirably commenting both on Kiku's knife work and that Ivan had _ripped_ the faucet from the boy's bathroom rather than the fact the two of them were engaged in mortal combat.

"Excuse me." Kiku stood up and bowed before moving to the side. He stared from beneath his bangs as Matthew tugged Ivan into the bathroom. His baleful gaze didn't disappear until Matthew slammed the door shut and locked it.

Ivan not-so-carefully set Alfred down on the tile. The hungry lion look was back in full force and Matthew sighed about his oblivious brother, who was trying to drink water from the toilet. He whined about being thirsty when Matthew pulled him back.

"We remove his pants?"

"Uh, yeah."

Ivan yanked them the rest of the way off without flourish and Alfred gasped at the air conditioner blowing across his body. Ivan gave the welted skin before him a curious poke, then a harder one. Alfred squealed and squirmed. Ivan's pokes moved up his legs making his squeal louder. Then he went really still and quiet.

"I think he passed out." Matthew remarked, having found the first aid kit. He pulled out the cotton balls from under the sink. He started working on the cuts while swatting Ivan's hands when they wandered too far north a few times.

"That is a very beautiful tune, da? Do you sing?"

"Oh, what?" Matthew started, suddenly aware how close Ivan was behind him. He paused to savor the closeness and the hot breath puffing on his neck lightly.

"You were humming."

Was he? Nooooooo, not again. That was how he got his girly nickname from Gilbert! He thought he had viciously curbed that habit. How embarrassing. He stared harder at his brother's naked ass (EWW) and dabbed harshly.

He gulped away most of his embarrassment, dearly wishing he had snagged a beer on his way up, and replied, "I do that when I'm concentrating. It's a bad habit."

Ivan just made a thoughtful noise and then giggled, "But it is very cute, da? I like it! Does your brother sing?"

Like a cat in heat, Matthew thought, remembering how they used to sing karaoke. His brother always chose songs that were above his range making him sound like a rat that sucked up some helium. Although he also remembered that Alfred sung beautifully when they were younger… with Barney. That brought a rueful smile to his face at how they would run around making forts out of couch cushions in their pjs.

"Uh, he can." Matthew responded, unwilling to incriminate his brother, even if it would make him look bad.

"You are very cute, Matvey." Ivan giggled, "You must love your brother very much."

And suddenly Matthew was wondering who was watching who. Because Ivan certainly knew more about him than he had let on. Steadily ignoring the chill that sent down his spine (because my God, that was _hot_, Ivan being _his_ stalker instead of the other way around), he shook his head, "Well, I think I'm done. What do you say to leaving him on the bed to recover while we go get some drinks? I mean, it's a party after all."

"I believe that you and Alfred should go home, da? This evening has been quite, how do you say it, educational for me."

Oh how badly Matthew wanted to continue that education right now. Just grab that scarf and pull the Russian down over his brother's unconscious body.

Instead he nodded, "Good idea."

Dammit.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Matthew stood up and cheered wildly, face flushed with excitement. He had always gone to Alfred's games out of brotherly duty (and because he liked heckling the fans on the other side) but now he had extra incentive to go. Ivan had been puzzled the first few times the bleachers had risen and erupted into deafening screams and whistles, mostly because even after Alfred had explained it (it was Alfred explaining it because neither of them wanted to hear Matthew's explanation) five times, Ivan still didn't have a clue about the rules of football. For all he knew it was something Americans did to blow off their sexual aggression without getting in trouble. Or having assault charges filed.

"A touchdown is good, da?"

"Yeah, it's awesome." Matthew panted, completely out of breath. "It means we're winning!"

Alfred gave a tiny jog along the sidelines with a huge smile and a thumbs up. He gave a wink towards the cheerleaders before heading back to the team.

"You are very excited." Ivan observed, a small smile playing on his face. Even though it wasn't particularly chilly and the sun was out, he insisted on wearing his scarf. When Matthew suggested he'd be more comfortable with it off, Ivan glared at him. "You look very much like Alfred when you are excited. And you both have such strong language."

"Hey, just because that fucking ref can't tell his arsehole from his piehole the other team scored. The bastard's either blind or just paid off." It was probably the latter, given they were against the richest team in the area—fucking private school preps.

The next play several large guys dog piled Alfred.

"He didn't even have the ball, you cheating sons of bitches!"

Matthew grabbed Ivan's hand as the Russian tried to rise. He tugged him back down.

"Don't worry; it'll take more than that to bring Alfred down. As a kid he used to try to wrestle calves at our Uncle's dude ranch." Matthew reassured him (and it better be true because Alfred carried the team and if he was down they were sunk).

They watched as Alfred dizzily sat up and tried to stand. He winced and staggered, looking peeved and stubborn as he tried to step forward. His coach yelled at him to get off the field. He yelled back. Which would've worked better if his coach wasn't built like an angry grizzly bear who cuffed him into the waiting hands of his teammates. This wouldn't be the first time he had been forcibly removed.

"This game is… remarkably boring." Ivan said, losing interest now that Alfred was benched. He leaned back a little and stared off to the side where the sunflower field was, his purple eyes distant. Then he seemed to register what he said and gasped pleadingly, "But please do not tell Alfred that I said so! He will take it the wrong way."

Matthew was slightly offended that Ivan would think that he'd be a snitch but he looked so panicked and freaked out Matthew couldn't help giving his hand a reassuring pat and nodding.

"I wouldn't dream of it. But in return, you should come to one of my hockey games. Way more exciting than football."

"There is a hockey team here?" Ivan perked up with interest, "I saw no facilities…"

"They are off campus." Because nothing would fit around that big football field _all _the other sports were conducted off campus except track (which also used the football field and was Alfred's other love after himself and football) and crosscountry.

"Could you…" Ivan fiddled with the edges of his scarf and a pale blush spread across his cheeks (mmm), "Would you show me? I enjoy hockey very much."

After two weeks of Alfred constantly shoving Ivan off on Matthew ('You're much better at English, you should help him with the assignment' and 'I'm busy, can you walk Ivan home?'), this was the first time Matthew actually felt like Ivan was actually seeing him and not a shadow of his idolized twin. He ducked his head, tongue tied, although multiple thoughts about hockey sticks and sex on ice were running through his head. Stupid testosterone! And it wasn't like Ivan even saw him that way. At best he was thinking Matthew could play guide dog. And you didn't screw dogs—at least not legally in this country.

"Yeah. Uh, I can. But they're closed for the three day weekend starting tomorrow." Matthew stuttered out. "Do you… do you play?"

What a stupid question. Congratulations, you've succeeded in sounding like Alfred, with five times more obviousness, Matthew told himself sarcastically. Aside from being a total beefcake, the boy looked like he was built to be a tank on ice. Matthew dreamily pictured him body checking some poor player into the wall and gallantly sweeping the puck into the goal, after running over several more opposing players.

"I may be… I am not sure of the word. I have not played for a long time, since I was a child. I do not know how well I would play." Ivan replied honestly, fiddling with his scarf some more. He looked up hopefully, "But it is open today, da? We could go after the game."

"It closes at seven on weeknights."

"Oh. That would be too late." Ivan looked so downcast Matthew was sure a half-drown puppy couldn't compete. He really needed to stop making these dog comparisons. All it made him think of was doggie style… and he blushed again.

Clearing his throat, and the mental images, he offered, "I can text Alfred telling him we went to the rink. I'm sure he won't mind, since he's not playing anymore."

Ivan anxiously looked at him, "Are you sure? I do not wish to upset him."

Alfred really needed to come down off the pedestal. Like last week.

Matthew sent his brother a quick text. His phone chimed in reply seconds later and he flicked the screen open.

Hockey so GAY! Haha c u 2nite l8. Gonna score!

Matthew made a face and clicked back, Tell your hand good luck then.

The hockey rink itself wasn't that impressive and Matthew felt faintly embarrassed as they walked in. He wasn't sure what Ivan was used to. The rink looked rickety on the outside but was clean inside if a little cramped. The hockey team had to share it with the local curling team as well as the figure skates and, shudder, teen night.

The owner nodded at Matthew and looked curiously at Ivan. Ivan gave his best child-smile back, which in turn creeped the owner out.

"Practice isn't until next week…" Matthew explained, realizing how lame he was. Sure drag Ivan halfway across town and tease him. That was brilliant.

"If you want, I don't mind leaving the rink open a bit longer while I close up the front." It was the owner's teenage daughter who was speaking. She was peeking from beneath her lashes at them, clearly interested in Ivan. She ignored Matthew all together even though they had gone through skating lessons together and saw each other once a week. He pretended like it was because Ivan was just so fascinating he wasn't worth a glance, although he suspected it was because she had already forgotten him. "It's not like we get cute new hockey players every day! Want to show off for me hot stuff?"

Matthew gave a thin smile secure in the knowledge that women had a saying that all the good ones were either taken or gay. Well, Ivan was both. He just didn't know it yet. But she would find out soon enough.

Luckily he left his gear in his locker. Outfitting Ivan was a little harder and he had to resort to picking the lock to his Swedish teammate's locker. Berwald wouldn't mind… too much. At least Matthew didn't think so. He would never to dare to ask face-to-face, but since Berwald wasn't here, it wasn't a problem. And he really was a nice guy, even if he did mumble and have a face that made babies faint dead away.

"Does it fit okay?"

"It does."

"Great. How are you feeling?"

"Excited."

Matthew gulped at how Ivan's eyes had turned a few shades darker and felt his crotch tighten a bit in response to the happy reply. He grabbed a stick and a puck and hit the ice.

"I will not go easy on you because you are Alfred's brother." Ivan warned and Matthew barked back a laugh, "Please. I beat Alfred to a pulp on ice. He has the grace of a bull moose crossing a frozen lake."

They stared out easily enough, lazily warming up. Matthew eyed the fine figure Ivan made as he swept around the rink. Rusty, yeah right. They had even gathered up a small audience of staff and lingering customers. And for the first five minutes things were fine.

Next thing Matthew knows he's slammed up against the glass feeling it shake behind him and having a very fierce Russian pressed against his front. Snarling, and feeling peeved at the unexpected assault, Matthew shoved back, showing he shared some of his brother's legendary strength. Just because he didn't flaunt it by chucking around poor farm animals didn't mean he was a pushover.

Caught off guard, Ivan slid back gracefully. He easily stopped, the puck now in his possession, and gave a smirk. Oh, it was so on.

By the end of the match, the two of them had the small crowd whipped up into a fervor. They were screaming and yelling and divided into two camps. Matthew had found out he was much faster and more agile. He skating to the side then dodged to slide under Ivan's outstretched arm. It would have worked better if Ivan didn't clothesline him. He hit the ice with a painful thump, his rump reacquainting with the cold surface via his tail bone, and oofed as his back followed suit. Ivan gave a few lazy swishes and drove the puck into the goal before heading back.

"Good game, da?" Ivan grinned, holding out his hand to help Matthew up.

Matthew pretended to reach for the hand but instead hooked his legs around Ivan's left ankle and yanked. Hard. He knew the Russian slightly favored his left side and was rewarded as Ivan toppled down like an avalanche. It would've been better if he had moved out of the way first.

"Cheater!" Ivan cried out, doing his best to crush Matthew. Matthew growled back and punched Ivan's shoulder to make him move, "Hey, you cheated first! I demand a rematch. A _fair_ one."

Ivan paused, probably wondering what Matthew meant by fair (and to be honest, Matthew wasn't sure what he meant either, but it didn't matter as long as fair meant he won), then asked, "Can Alfred play too?"

Matthew wanted to smack his head into the ice until it was numb. With a patience that had earned him several unflattering nicknames in high school, he pushed himself free of Ivan. He immediately missed the warm body pressing over him and pretended to skid a little (not slip; he was way too good to slip but even pros skidded on slick ice) so that he partially fell back under Ivan's arm.

"Sure. We can make teams if you want."

"I like playing with Matvey, but teams would be better."

Matthew smiled. It was a _smile_, although if Alfred could see it he would be quaking in the corner.

"Then why don't we be on the same team? Then you could play with me and be on a team."

Ivan's face brightened and Matthew had to stifle a chuckle. His brother was doomed.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Wow, all the reviews and alerts! It kinda scares me that my two Hetalia stories are even in that regard, considering one is 3 chapters and the other is 11… Anyway! If there's any character you'd like to see a cameo of, please let me know! And if you have headcannon to go with them in this setting, fire away! I have tentative plans for Ludwig, Katerina and Toris so far and obviously Natalia as well

Chapter Four

Matthew couldn't help glancing out of the corner of his eye. Locker rooms were a gift from God. Especially ones that included showers. Which he hoped Ivan would be using after the game. It had taken some hard convincing (okay, _bribing_, Matthew knew those old Marvel comics would come in handy; sometimes being a bit of a packrat was helpful… and he did too know where his socks were) to get Alfred to agree to a friendly game. Actually, when Matthew causally brought it up, Alfred's eyes grew wide and he dropped his hamburger out of his mouth (pre-chewed, that's how shocked he was).

'Hell no. No, definitely hell no! Mom told you to be nice to me! She did! And beating me to a bloody, sobbing pulp and knocking out my gorgeous smile is not being nice to me!'

In the end, Alfred not only managed to reserve the rink (he said it was his charming good looks but it's not like half the school didn't know he slept with the owner's daughter) but convinced several people to come play and watch. Trust Alfred to be the victim of his own ego—he just _had_ to have an audience, didn't he? Cue the whine fest after he was toasted. Maybe that was his angle, sympathy sex.

"You ready for this, big guy? I know Mattie probably bullied you into this. He loves hockey." Alfred shot his brother a dark look. Ivan shook his head, "I wish to play."

"Who are you interested in now Al?" Matthew asked, snapping back into reality as more gear went over Ivan. He knew one of the easiest ways to derail Alfred's bitching was to either mention football, drinking or girls… or make it physically impossible for him to speak. "Is she here?"

Alfred sighed, suddenly looking moonstruck and dismayed at the same time. He sighed again, even louder, and put out his bottom lip. Moodily tugging on a sock, he replied, "She doesn't like sports."

"Well, what does she like?"

Ivan frowned and Matthew cringed a little. He hated rubbing it in Ivan's face that Alfred was chasing skirts. But there was a reason they teased that Alfred had a girlfriend of the week. They rarely lasted longer than that (Matthew surmised this was because he insisted on talking about hamburgers during sex; nothing to make a lady feel special like being compared to the fatty goodness of cow flesh). Alfred sighed again.

"Knives."

Uh, what?

Ivan took a tiny step back. Alfred sighed again and Matthew was about to remove his lungs for him.

"She's totally out of my league. I mean, she looks like a china doll. Beautiful porcelain skin, bleach blonde hair, icy blue eyes." With every description Ivan took another tiny step back until he was flush against the lockers looking like a cornered bunny. "Total babe. Acts like a princess too."

"With a knife fetish?" Matthew questioned his brother's sanity at times but this took the cake.

"Yeah, that's hot. Too bad she's not into guns. But knives and swords are cool too." Alfred happily agreed with a dreamy smile.

"What is this girl's name?" Ivan whispered and Matthew cocked an eyebrow.

Alfred completely ignored the Russian's odd behavior, "Natalia." He seemed to consider this for a moment, "Huh, that's Russian too, right? Or, you know, somewhere over there. Italian? Whatever, same difference." Matthew didn't tell Alfred that Russia and Italy weren't even close to the same country. Ivan was starting to look like he was ready to bail and inching towards the door.

"Ivan. What's wrong?"

Matthew was startled to see tears collecting in the corner of Ivan's eyes. Alfred seemed just as shocked because his stood there catching flies with his mouth.

"I thought… America… how could she… no… maybe it is someone else. There are many blondes in America, da?" Ivan babbled, twitching nervously. Matthew tentatively placed a hand on Ivan's shoulder and the Russian jumped violently and wailed, "I do not wish to marry her! She is scary! My parents… there is no legacy to continue!"

"Er, what?" Alfred scratched his head and idly picked up a skate. Trust Alfred to lose interest in the middle of a breakdown. An emotional wingman he was not. "You know Nat?" Again with the unflattering nicknames. Matthew hoped he didn't try to woo her with it. Girls didn't appreciate sounding like an insect.

"Ivan, calm down. What do you mean?" Matthew asked, trying to sound soothing. He steered Ivan towards a bench and sat him down. Ivan resisted slightly before going boneless against Matthew's pelvis. Awk~ward~… Matthew subtly shifted and tentatively patted Ivan's head.

Ivan pressed against him silently for a few more minutes, earning strange looks from the other players and no attention from Alfred. Then he slowly raised his head and brushed away a bit of tear from his cheek.

"Alfred."

"Umm, how does this thing go on again?" Alfred asked, wrestling with the padding, "Damn thing's so complicated. You should just use football padding."

"Alfred!"

"Huh, what? Jeez, you don't have to yell at me. I'm right here. What is it big guy?" Alfred looked up and gave a smile. Matthew resisted the urge to reach across Ivan and fix his straps. He managed to resist for a few more seconds before grabbing the snaps and fixing his brother's helmet. No need to damage his one and a half functioning brain cells.

"Where… where did you meet this… Natalia?"

"Oh… er, she was sitting outside on the steps of the History building." Ivan gulped. "She said she was waiting for someone. Oh, then she asked if I knew any Russian exchange students… so I told her about you! And, um, invited her to this hockey game. If she showed up that'd be totally awesome. I've got some super sweet moves!"

It took less than thirty seconds for Ivan to throw Matthew to the side and grab Alfred by the shirt front. He held the blond boy above the ground and shoved him into a row of lockers with a metal clang. Matthew felt the laughter tickling at his throat and groaned. This was serious and he was going to laugh like a demented hyena on crack?

"This is very bad." Ivan hissed in Alfred's face, looking desperately unhappy. "I cannot play if she is here. She cannot see me. She cannot know I am here! And it is your _fault_!"

Matthew took a quick step forward. He really didn't want to see Ivan hurt Alfred. Partly because his brother was a big baby and would be milking the sympathy for weeks, which would be _disgusting_, and partly because he knew Ivan would have a hard time forgiving himself, let alone convincing the local police he didn't really mean to shatter Alfred's collarbone and try to murder him. Oh, and it would make it super awkward for Ivan to keep stalking Alfred if there was a restraining order.

Wait… that… never mind.

Matthew was a better person than that… he was… really.

"Hey, everyone needs to calm down, eh? Ivan, please put Alfred down…" Matthew considered adding gently but he wasn't that good of a person. Besides, it kind of was Alfred's fault, even if he did it on accident. "And tell us who this Natalia is… then we can help you."

"Natalia is my fiancée." Ivan said glumly, still holding Alfred up against the lockers absentmindedly.

"Oh, dude, sorry! I didn't know she was your chick." Alfred groaned theatrically and with obvious disappointment. "I totally wasn't intending to get up into your lady."

Oh how noble… he was so missing the fact that Ivan was terrified. Matthew rolled his eyes and wondered how his brother hadn't been hit by a bus yet. As a prank, Arthur had insisted that he 'read the atmosphere.' Alfred spent a week hounding the librarian for the book he was sure was being hidden from him.

"No. No. No! I do not want to marry her!" Ivan paused to catch his breath, "My parents… they are friends with her parents. It was decided that we were to be married. She… adores me… but she's so scary! I came to America to delay the wedding."

"So she's not your lady? I can hit on her? Score!"

"We don't even know if this is the same Natalia, right? So maybe we should peek?" Matthew suggested logically. He figured someone should be logical. It sucked to be the responsible one. They were going to rue the day when Matthew snapped, when he decided enough was enough. An evil chuckle echoed in his mind.

Ivan violently shook his head, hair whipping in his face wildly. "I will not let her see me!"

What kind of animal was this girl to have Ivan gibbering like Alfred when faced with a needle? Matthew imagined the possibilities, but all he could come up with was a crazy blond manazon. He took a deep breath, summoning his courage, and bravely volunteered to go out.

"Here!" Alfred wiggled around in Ivan's death grip to produce his new phone. He cradled it in his palm like a baby for a few seconds before holding it out to Matthew, "You'll need this for verification purposes!"

Matthew stared at him before shouting, "I'm not taking a picture because you want one and don't want to get sliced into mince meat!"

Ivan, who eyed the phone suspiciously, finally realized what it was for. He dissolved into almost-tears again and whispered, "Please Matvey! I must be sure."

Matthew gave a deer-in-the-headlights look at Ivan. How could he say no to that? The man was desperate, and he needed Matthew's help. Someone _needed_ his help, only he can help them, and that someone was his crush!

He sighed in defeat and Alfred gave him a thumbs up. That bastard, he did that on purpose! Wait… Matthew scrutinized his brother's beaming face… how much did the fuckwit know?

"See, even Ivan agrees!" Alfred grinned enthusiastically. Was Matthew imagining the knowing twinkle in his vapid blue eyes? God, was he so transparent that Alfred, who couldn't see a jellyfish, had found him out? If so, then Ivan had to know… and that was just pathetic. Matthew hung his head and started to walk away, "You two get along so well… oh my God, that's so gay!"

Matthew's face burned with embarrassment. He wished he were a turtle, so he could hide in his shell. Or better yet, a rotifer; rotifers were cool and they didn't have stupid crushes or brothers. How could his dense-as-diamonds brother have found out? He resolutely kept walking, barely realizing he had the phone in-hand and that he was still only half dressed. Instead he wondered how the world and universe was so wrong and cruel.

Alfred gave a few blinks and said to Ivan, "Did you see that towel snap over in the corner? That was fucking awesome! Got him right in the ass! KA-WHAP! So gay, man, so gay!"


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Two questions were posed to me by the peanut gallery- er, the guinea pigs.  
1. It's weird Arthur is Alfred's friend. Why are they the same age?  
I'll admit it, I'm a fan of both FACE and FrUk, but it didn't occur to me when I started this story to do that. Plus, there's that weird logistics peeve of mine about gay parents having gay kids. And I like Arthur and Alfred as friends :)  
2. Vodka?  
Ivan drinks, yes, but since this is an AU and since he IS a foreign exchange student, alcohol isn't the center of his existence. To get into those programs you can't have big problems like excessive drinking/drugs. He's more interested in staying in the States than guzzling liquor.

Chapter Five

Matthew stomped out of the locker room and searched around the room. The feelings of inadequacy and shame had filtered away leaving something he preferred to keep on the hockey ice. Anger. He was feeling vexed. He was beyond vexed. He was fucking livid. His brother was such an asshole!

Glancing around, he tried to remember who he was looking for. Long blond hair, like a princess… with knives. Surely they wouldn't let her in with knives… if she came. Maybe she wasn't here at all. Maybe Alfred was delusional and this was all a dream.

Matthew shoved his way between people, not bothering to say excuse me. They wouldn't hear him anyway. He was about to give up and head back to the locker room when he saw her in the corner.

First thing that struck him was that she was way too classy for his brother. He didn't see any obvious knives, although he did consider her nice, expensive skirt might be hiding them. The lack of weapons didn't really help though. Because she was definitely an ice queen.

Scary!

Ivan was right. This girl was giving off some seriously scary vibes. Like she would enjoy castrating with a rubber band and a sharp, shiny knife if a guy looked at her wrong.

He was about to head back into the locker room when Ivan's pleading face came to mind. Reluctantly he pulled out the phone. He was pretty sure that this was Alfred's Natalia, like one hundred and ten percent, his brother was just that crazy, but he guess he needed to make sure it was Ivan's Natalia. Really, what were the odds that some crazy stalker would chase Ivan halfway across the globe, hunt him down in a small town and show up at his unofficial hockey game? Those odds were like Arthur saying no to a free beer or Berwald giving a rousing speech on Catholicism.

"Um, excuse me Miss…" Matthew said, taking a few steps closer. She stared past him with cold, pale eyes. Matthew fought down the urge to compare her to the White Witch from Narnia. Taking another step forward, he steadied the phone and made sure the camera was on. Slowly inching forward, like he was creeping up to a basking rattlesnake, he tried again, "Natalia?"

Her head whipped around and he yelped, instinctively snapping the picture in her face with the flash. She leapt up and he bolted with a death grip on the phone because Alfred would kill him if his new phone was damaged.

He tore into the locker room and glanced around in a panic. Most of the people had already gotten dressed and were warming up on the ice. Ivan was nowhere in sight (that little pansy!) and Alfred was rifling through someone else's locker.

"Oh, hi, Mattie." Alfred giggled nervously, "You don't have any pants on… and, uh, do you have any deodorant? I lost mine and phew." Matthew threw the phone at him and darted around the corner willing his invisibility power to kick in. Hands grabbed him and he almost screamed but a big palm wrapped around his mouth and a strong arm pulled him behind another stand of lockers.

"Shhh!" Ivan hissed then added calmly, "I see you have met Natalia."

Matthew gulped and replied as dignified as he could manage blowing like a skittish race horse, "I do believe I have, eh? I, er, understand now." Understand was an understatement.

The two stood with Matthew pressed tightly against Ivan's chest, which he could feel hammer away beneath him, listening intently as the door slammed open. Ivan buried his face in Matthew's hair and had a white-knuckled grip on his bare shoulders. Absurdly enough, the only thing Matthew was thinking about was the realization that he ran around half-naked in front of a good portion of the town! Mortified, he tried to shrink back into Ivan. He knew that his near-naked hurdling run across the rink was sure to be on youtube within the hour, courtesy of either Gilbert or Liz.

He could see the captions now: Invisi-boi streaks with White Witch in pursuit (keywords: superheroes, pussywhipped, and hot girl) and Cheating boy nerd caught with girl's boyfriend (keywords: yaoi, boyonboy, boyxboy, naked, and sexy).

"Hi Nat!" Alfred's chipper voice floated back to their hiding place and Matthew could picture his million watt smile as he waved with the incriminating phone in hand. "You do realize that you're not a guy and this is the men's changing room, right? Not that I mind. You should've come in earlier when I was more undressed."

"I believe I saw enough of your weak form just moments ago."

"Weak!" _Weak?_ Matthew was not weak. Sure, he didn't come with a built in six pack, but his body was nicely toned. Plenty of people complimented him on it.

"Matvey is not weak." Ivan whispered into his hair. Matthew would be feeling warm tinglies about that statement if Ivan wasn't using him as a human shield.

"Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot." Alfred smoozed, turning on the charm. There was a crashing sound and Alfred shrieked, "My phone! Don't hurt it! Now, now, let's be calm here. There's no need to hurt the innocent phone. I'll just put my hand out… aggh!" More crashing noises and Ivan trembled behind Matthew.

"Remove my picture from this device. Immediately." Natalia demanded and Matthew could hear Alfred continuing to beg and grovel for his phone's life. There was a sigh of relief and some button pressing.

"See? It's gone."

"Good. Now where is my beloved Ivan?" her voice took on a creepy quality that one could mistake for warm and fuzzy… if you were talking about a wolverine. Matthew reached back with one arm and awkwardly gave Ivan a reassuring rub.

Silence.

"Do not make me repeat myself." Matthew always hated when the bad guys in movies said that. It was a lame threat and one… one Alfred would _have to_ respond to as the hero. Well, she asked for it, using such a trite cliché.

"Or what?" Oh yes, cue the cocky hero.

"Excuse me?" Ice dripped off her words.

"You look beautiful. Beautiful women shouldn't threaten people. Why don't you let me take you to lunch?"

"Is there any intelligence in that vacuous, attractive head of yours?" Natalia sounded affronted and slightly puzzled that Alfred invited her out to lunch. "I merely wish to see my beloved Ivan! Tell me where he is so I can do so as soon as possible!"

"You think I'm good-looking? I don't know what that other word meant, but I am damn fine. You and I would make a good couple; we'd be the talk of the town." Well, that was definitely true, although perhaps not in the positive way Alfred imagined. Oh God, did he always sound this cheesy?

"Alfred is very good looking." Ivan agreed, "But his true virtue lies in his ability to entertain." After hanging out with the Russian for the past three weeks, Matthew still wasn't sure if Ivan meant the comment genuinely or if he was doling out a backhand compliment.

"You are attractive… to some women. But my Ivan is much more handsome. And not a whore." Natalia replied primly and Matthew bit back a giggle. Alfred gave a mock scandalized gasp and then chuckled, "I prefer serial monogamy. I'm not a cheater you know, and I don't carry cooties."

A small snort echoed around the locker room in answer.

"So that's a dinner? C'mon, let me pay you back for the picture, please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"I am not interested."

"?"

"You are such a child!"

"Is that a yes?"

"Will you be quiet if I agree?"

"Zip my lips and promise." Matthew pictures him doing so with his fingers.

"Fine. Then I will accompany you to dinner. However, it will not be tonight. I must find dear Ivan, and if he is not here, then I will search elsewhere."

"Sweet! Can I have your phone number?" Alfred's voice slowly faded away as he, Matthew assumed, dogged Natalia out the door.

The wicked witch had been confused and abused by the bumbling hero while he cowered around the corner. That was just great. Matthew was just the half-naked pansy that ran screaming into Ivan's arms. Smooth as a pancake.

"Is she leaving?" Ivan whispered into Matthew's hair. It tickled and he squirmed a little. Ivan's death grip had relaxed leaving one arm looped lightly around his bare waist and the other hand tucked over his shoulder. Matthew leaned back and looked up, viewing Ivan's face upside down. He gave a tentative smile, "I think Al dealt with her. Do you still want to play?"

Ivan gave a smile in return and nodded. Matthew tried to walk free and gave an experimental tug. Ivan's arms followed him then locked up.

"Ivan, you have to let go. I need a uniform. And some pants. Little things," Matthew said, while he leaned back into Ivan. Way to make him let go. "So we can play."

Reluctantly Ivan let go and said innocently, "Matvey looks much better without a shirt, but that would be very cold. Perhaps you should get ready, so that we can play."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hockey fail! And violence against Alfred. Soren=Denmark.

I read an interesting study the other day about gay twins. If the twins were fraternal (like Al and Matt), then there was only a 22% chance both would be gay. But if the twins were identical, then there was a 50% chance both would be gay. Lucky Matthew!

Chapter Six

It had taken some coaxing to convince Ivan that Natalia was really gone. He wouldn't actually come out until Alfred returned nursing some sore fingers. He grinned sheepishly and muttered something about holding a door open for her. Matthew was guessing she wasn't appreciative of Alfred's outdated, chauvinist manners and had slammed the door on his fingers.

"Are you ready?" Matthew asked, praying Ivan could focus on the game. Alfred actually wasn't too bad of a player, since his natural athletic abilities gave him balance and strength. And Berwald and Tino had ended up on the opposing team, so Matthew knew they'd have their hands full.

Ivan gave a brief nod, smoothing out the concern in his face. He placed his mouth guard in and then put on his helmet. Søren came up behind them and gave them both a hefty thump on the back. Shit, Matthew had forgotten about their teammate. The obnoxious Dane seemed to revel in the thought of playing _against_ Berwald instead of on the same team. Well, it would certainly solve a lot of problems, Matthew reflected, if the two of them could beat the snot out of each other.

"Ready to kick some ass?" Søren bellowed good-naturedly. Ivan pushed him back a step and Matthew sighed. Hockey was not about kicking ass. Hockey was about grinding the opponents into paste! Smashing them into puddles of goo! Ensuring that the next time they got up their knees gave out on them! Oh, and scoring. But that really took second place.

Despite his whine-fest earlier, Alfred hopped on the ice happily enough. He swished around ridiculously and Matthew had to roll his eyes. Maybe he should've tried out of the figure skating team? Ivan gracefully slid around on the ice, watching Alfred's ass. And Matthew watched Ivan.

"You better pay attention. The game's about to start." Tino remarked calmly as he dodged around Matthew as he daydreamed. Matthew flushed and muttered, "Sorry."

The beginning of the game started out horribly. Matthew was used to playing with Søren but he had only played against Ivan. And if he had time to think about it, he'd be banging his head against the glass at the pissing contest Søren initiated with Ivan. The two of them were jostling each other more than dealing with Berwald. Which left Matthew and the rest of their team a little shorthanded when their brute strength was too pumped up with testosterone and pride to focus on the true enemy! On the other hand, Berwald and Tino worked together smoothly, more than making up for Alfred's eagerness and occasional moments of klutziness and misplaced bravado.

The puck swished into the net and Tino circled back around, giving Berwald a tentative thumbs up. Although the Finnish student was closest to the scary, possum-mode inducing Swede he still acted like he was intimidated. There was a running pool on whether or not the two of them had something going on, fueled by the Berwald's mistake about the English word "wife." No one on the team had bothered to correct him because it amused them too much to see Tino writhe in embarrassment.

If the man weren't so scary Matthew would've been good enough to tell him. But the one time he tried he had ended up beating a hasty retreat, grateful that Berwald had looked past him and glared at Søren instead. Sometimes his invisibility was a gift from God.

Oh come on guys! Matthew snarled in his head as he shoved off a guy from the other team and lunged for the puck. He was cut off by a very gleeful Alfred, who had slipped past both Ivan and Søren. He flipped Matthew the bird, or at least Matthew was sure that's what he was trying to do with the bulky gloves, and scooted towards the net.

Dead didn't begin to cover what Alfred was…

Matthew shoved forward, checking some unfortunate out of the way (who may or may not have actually been on his team…), aiming for the puck Alfred was pushing teasingly. Alfred turned his head to see where Matthew was and his blue eyes widened in panic sending a thrill down Matthew's spine. It never got old. Matthew savored the look. He was going to have to burn that one in his memory and caption it 'Alfred pissed his pants.' Putting on a burst of speed, he was millimeters from a satisfying crush and defeated foe when two bodies rolled past him, cutting him off. Alfred, who was hauling ass frantically, nailing the puck and swerving out from under Matthew's intended punishment.

Matthew watched the puck arch to the left, their goalie just barely missing a block, before hitting the net.

His baleful violet eyes traveled over to the two tangled bodies to his right. Søren and Ivan were whaling away on each other while Gilbert, who was supposed to be linesmen, was cackling and encouraging them to swing harder. Vash, the appointed ref, blew his whistle repeatedly before he got tired of being diplomatic and brought out his gun. Ivan and Søren continued fighting through it with powerful swings going at each other like a pair of pissed tom cats.

Matthew glided over to Vash, "Can you give use a moment please?"

Vash gave a slight nod and backed off a safe distance. Alfred, Tino and Berwald had retreated to the other side of the rink with the rest of their team. Even Gilbert had grown quiet, ceasing his obnoxious cackling that sounded like a goat with lung cancer. The only two who weren't watching with bated breath were the two that were about to be in for a rare treat. Matthew would have smiled at the thought but he was afraid the actual action might break the taunt muscles in his face.

"HEY ASSHOLES!"

Silence rung off the walls. Aww, how poetic. He hoped the echo gave them whiplash.

Ivan and Søren looked up. Despite the massive amounts of noise and heavy blows, neither looked particularly hurt.

Matthew leaned forward and asked in a mock whisper, "Having fun?"

Søren whimpered and Ivan merely blinked.

"Because I'm not." Matthew continued in a velvety tone. He leaned against his hockey stick so he could get closer to the pair. He lost the whisper and his voice rose with every word until he was shouting, "I thought we were here to play hockey. Yet do you see THAT?" Matthew pointed to the score board, "What is THAT? Do you see THAT? THAT is failure! Now, get your asses up off the ice and behave like real wingmen because if THAT happens again I might be forced to drastic measures, you understand?"

Søren nodded meekly, wiping a thin trickled of blood off his lip and putting his helmet back on, "Yes, Captain. Loud and clear."

Ivan smiled blandly without response.

Matthew slammed his stick down close to Ivan head, practically leaning into Ivan's face and hissed, "Are you going to be serious about this or not Ivan?"

"I do not like being threatened." The big Russian responded levelly looking Matthew in the eye. He had managed to retain his helmet and darkened purple eyes stared out with a challenge in them. Even down on the ice he still managed to look menacing.

"Shit, Mattie…" Alfred called from across the rink. He started to move forward and Tino grabbed his arm. The two blonds had a quiet conference, Alfred gesturing wildly at the drama across the ice and Tino shaking his head.

"And I don't like people on MY rink playing like assclowns." Matthew retorted weakly, suddenly realizing how dangerous his position was… for so many reasons. And most of them weren't for fear of pain and violence… "Beat the shit out of him off the ice for all I care, but Jesus, we're in the middle of a game! Ivan, back me up here."

The two stared at each other silently for a moment before Ivan slowly rose to his feet and brushed the ice off his gear. He straightened up and looked down at Matthew, who, now that he wasn't puffed up with rage, was fidgeting. Genius, show your crush what an utter ass you can be and threaten him. Great courtship ritual… for crocodiles or pimps.

"Matvey is so cute when he is serious." Ivan said cheerfully. Cute? Cute! Fuck that shit. Couldn't Ivan say something like racy or petrifying or… or… something more manly? Matthew just cussed him out in front of everyone and threatened him with a hockey stick! What did it take to intimidate the Russian? Aside from putting on a wig and brandishing a knife that is.

"As long as we're clear." Matthew growled, pulling himself away, mindful of not touching in the process. Liz wolf whistled from the stands and yelled out how she loved men's hockey. He stalked over to Vash and said in his normal voice, "Okay, I think we're set."

The rest of the game went much better. Ivan and Søren stayed on their respective sides under the age old code that if you couldn't kill them then avoid them and Matthew was fine with that. They even managed to score two goals, which put them ahead, and land Berwald in the penalty box for "accidentally" mowing Søren over… four times… with his skates.

It wasn't until the last ten minutes that things got ugly again. At best the opposing team could hope for a tie, and ties were unacceptable in Matthew's eyes. Ties were not winning, ties were like a cop out. So there was no way in hell they were tying. Besides, he knew about the bet where the losing team had to pay for the other team's booze and dinner, and he wanted to see Alfred cry while footing the bill for Søren's tab at the bar. And he knew from experience that he didn't want to pay for Tino's drinks. The guy looked like a light weight but with a DD and some else's wallets he was the biggest booze hound on the team.

Matthew looked out of the corner of his eye and noticed Alfred had the puck again. It was ___déjà vu all over again_. Alfred, looking a little sore from a few misadventures with Ivan, was concentrating with uncharacteristic care. He glanced at Matthew before speeding up and cutting to the side out of reach. There was no look of terror or panic. Which meant he was in game mode. Matthew was quite sure science had never explained the genetics involved in game mode but he knew they were there. He had seen his dad play golf and his mom play Bridge. Both he and Alfred were like berserkers minus the hallucogenics and war paint. They underwent drastic personality changes when challenged with a game they HAD to win at… which, in their family, was pretty much any game. Matthew remembered the instant death Candy Land when they were younger which graduated into punch poker as they got older. Their parents requested that if they played, they had to punch in clothing-covered spots because someone called child protective services about their bruises.

In short, unless Matthew could get in the same mode, the game was shot. No one could touch Alfred now.

Which didn't mean Ivan didn't try. The big Russian had been good as gold since their intimate little "chat" and had taken the game with a seriousness that didn't bode well for the other team. Even Berwald was wary about getting in his way now. Even Søren had given a grudging seal of approval when he body checked Alfred so hard the American did a flip.

Ivan bullied his way forward, clearly intending to do a similar number on Alfred again. Alfred saw him coming and sped up even more. All awkwardness had dissipated with Alfred's new found super powers and his cortexes were being milked for their full potential. Which meant Alfred was strong, graceful AND intelligent… for a brief period of time. Then his neurons overheated and it was Chernobyl all over again, except in Alfred's head. People in the area had to be aware of radioactive drift coming from his ears and mouth.

Ivan put on more speed, sensing a challenge, and almost caught up to Alfred. Matthew hoped Liz was videotaping this because he wanted to see it in slow motion. Twisting around Tino, Matthew almost missed the fireworks. Just as Ivan reached Alfred, the other did a near impossible move. He slammed to a dead stop and leaned back bringing the puck with him. Ivan was going so fast it was like trying to stop a train going a hundred miles an hour. You know, like one of those math problems… except the train never made it to Moscow at approximately 4:23 pm because it blew up in a massive, fiery explosion. Ivan vainly tried to slow down and turn, forgetting about Alfred and being more worried about the looming wall in any case.

The resulting crash not only shook the glass but made the whole rink shudder.

While everyone else stood stunned, Matthew slid forward to intercept Alfred. His brother was going to score an easy goal while the goalie was staring at Ivan's prone form.

Alfred zigged to the side in response to the threat. Matthew grinned, shark-like, behind his mouth guard. Alfred may be a tactical genius about physical stuff but he still sucked at mathematics. He was going at the wrong angle to completely avoid confrontation and Matthew was still peeved from earlier. Peeved as in like a swarm of killer bees was peeved when their nest was destroyed.

He considered slamming Alfred so hard he'd believe his fake time machine really worked but decided he didn't really have enough time. So instead he stuck his stick out and did a half circle turn so that he simultaneously cut Alfred off and slammed his shins to knock him off balance. Alfred stumbled, fumbling with the puck, and tried to dart left. Matthew cut him off again, this time a little more physically. His brother scowled and shoved back. Soon the two of them were slamming each other shoulder-to-shoulder with all they had and hitting their sticks together so hard Matthew was sure he'd have to buy a new one because this one was covered in stress fractures. He toyed with getting one last use out of it by slamming it over Alfred's head and taking the penalty.

Before he could make up his mind, Alfred took a desperate shot. Just as the puck started its crash course, Vash blew his whistle, indicating the time was up. Matthew took a crack shot at Alfred's head anyway. Just because he could. Alfred crumpled and whined then cheered from the ice as the puck nicked the corner post and barely swished the net.

"Woock waah!" Alfred whooped through saliva and dizziness as he spit out his guard and raised his hands. He promptly lost his balance and fell backwards still grinning, "Hero won wice!" Matthew didn't comment on the fact that every word was slurred except hero. He looked mournfully at his broken stick and decided to give it an honorable burial later in the backyard.

It took a few seconds for reality to sink in. They tied. Dammit, they tied! Well, at least that meant everyone would be buying their own booze and he could afford a new hockey stick. Matthew blinked the rest of his aggressive and rage draining away, feeling his alter ego slip back into slumber. It was replaced with the numbness of a loser and…

Oh shit, Ivan!

The Russian was propped up against the rink wall holding a compress to his shoulder. He was glaring nastily at the giggling Alfred, clearly holding a grudge. If Matthew's foreplay was that of a crocodile, he was sure that Ivan's affections for Alfred were of the black widow spider kind at the moment.

"Hey Ivan." Matthew greeted quietly. Ivan tore his eyes away from Alfred, who Berwald was helping off the rink, and gave a quick smile in return. "You okay there?"

Ivan shrugged.

"I have some painkillers in my locker if you want." Matthew offered, "I think we'll all need them after that game."

"Perhaps Matvey has medication for Alfred, da?"

"Cyanide is too traceable." Matthew said with a smile, "Don't worry; I think you might have cracked some of his ribs. It'll stop him from gloating too much."

Ivan didn't look particularly pacified by that thought.

"Matvey is a different person on ice." Ivan commented while maneuvering to his feet. He held the ice pack loosely and Matthew picked up his shoulder pads. He could see the nasty black bruise covering Ivan's shoulder and winced. With all of Ivan's speed and weight behind it, it was amazing he hadn't fractured something because it wasn't the glass that was going to give.

"Er, not really." Matthew rubbed his neck sheepishly. "I just get more intense when I play hockey."

"Then Matvey is a very violent and rude person normally?"

"I'm not rude!" Matthew protested and flushed.

"Matvey called me an asshole. I do believe that this is not a term of endearment." Ivan clucked his tongue like a five year old telling on his teenage babysitter.

"Sure it is." Matthew flailed, "I call Al an asshole all the time!"

"Then Matvey likes me?" Ivan's eyes were wide and pleading. Matthew felt the pressure of hope Ivan was pouring on him. Did his opinion really mean that much to Ivan?

Oh yes, Matthew really, really likes you, Matthew's inner voice purred, Let him show you how much by licking your wounds clean and kissing them better.

"Of course I like you!" Matthew blurted out hastily.

"A lot?"

"A lot." Matthew confirmed, warmed by Ivan's sudden, genuine smile. The Russian was practically beaming, and there were no teeth involved. Suddenly he was swooped into a bear hug that was reminiscent of Alfred's famous spine crushers when his brother was tickled about something or other. He slowly swung Matthew back and forth in happiness. Matthew's body responded in happiness too.

"Hey, are you two coming or what?" Alfred called across the rink. "We're going out for pizza!"

Ivan gently deposited Matthew back on the ice and Matthew ducked his head to hide his blush and other things.

"Okay Al! Be there in a minute!" After he ran to the bathroom. Yes, a bathroom visit was in order, and Matthew had never been so grateful for a single, locking bathroom in his life.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: A bit of a side venture chapter and some new characters. Butchered German. And fudge.

Sophie=Belgium

Chapter Seven

"Ve, ve, Ludwig, look!"

The burly blond glanced over at his brunette employee before focusing on what he was doing. He muttered, "Very good Felicano."

"So, Ludwig, can you help me?"

The German let out a sound that was somewhere between a grunt and a sigh. Matthew watched Ivan and Kiku stand at opposite corners of the shop, eyeing the cake knife Ludwig was holding with intense concentration. Alfred didn't seem to get that they didn't like each other. In the way that mongooses and cobras don't like each other. And Ivan was definitely the cobra: he was strong and fearless and contained a male aphrodisiac. He didn't understand why Ivan needed to be here. Hell, he didn't understand why he needed to be here. Kiku, at least, had a legitimate reason to be here because he worked here part-time.

Just because his brother had a crush… or, rather, a fixation. This was what happened when you had a social silver spoon shoved down your gullet with praise and admiration your entire life. You began to expect your due. So when someone didn't care you shat precious metals, you were attracted to them. Nothing is more attractive than mystery, and in this case, negativity.

"C'mon, I've helped you tons! I just need one itty, bitty favor." Alfred wheedled, leaning against the cake display like a sleazy car salesman. Kiku was idly holding a particularly sharp looking frosting tool, polishing it slowly.

Ludwig sighed, plucking the knife from Kiku's grasp and grabbing the back of Feliciano's shirt to keep him from falling in the waist high mixer. He pointed Kiku towards the back, asking for more pink frosting, and redirected the Italian back towards where he had been making gelato.

"The last time you watched my dogs, you taught them to 'kill.' Do you understand that now, whenever I or Sophie say the word 'kill' in a sentence, all four dogs attack Gilbert?" Ludwig glared, his blue eyes serious. " 'Kill that fly' and 'kill the lights' and 'buzzkill' have triggered several emergency visits to the ER. And this is your fault. I do not consider this a favor."

"Well, if it's just Gilbert…" Alfred started and both Ludwig and Matthew glared. Ludwig's glare, without a doubt, was far more potent. But Matthew hoped his at least helped the effort. Gilbert was a bit egotistically, in the way the way that Saint Peter was a bit saintly, and Matthew was 89.72% sure that he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but that was no reason for Alfred to target him. Alfred hung his head a little and muttered, "I trained them with a stuffed raccoon. What kind of attack dogs don't attack? It's not my fault Gil resembles a raccoon."

Ludwig stiffened, "My dogs are not attack dogs. They are Schutzhund dogs."

"Whatever. I tried kill in German first." Matthew highly doubted that even if the dogs knew kill in German, they could understand Alfred through his terrible, cliché German accent learned from violent video games. They hadn't understood sitz or platz when he yelled the words in German but for some reason understood pfiu perfectly well (all of which Matthew _knew_ because he bothered to read their care sheet!). Probably because Alfred said it a hundred times a day, fooey, fooey, phooey, pooey, poopey… yeah, he was a moron. An easily entertained one at that.

"Here is your frosting, Ludwig-san. Perhaps I can help Alfred-kun with his order?" Kiku suggested with a sly smile. To most it looked shy and harmless, but Matthew that the little quirk on the right corner meant trouble. Actually, it usually meant Kiku was about to cream them at Halo and dance victoriously on their metaphorical graves.

"Thank you Kiku. I would appreciate that." Ludwig said, turning his attention back to the pink be-ribboned monstrosity before him. Seriously, it looked like it belonged in a Breast Cancer parade. Who had that kind of cake at their wedding? Bridezilla much? "Do not let him order something entirely outrageous and impossible. Keep it simple."

Kiku brought out a sheet of paper and pulled a pen from his pocket. He flashed a smile at Ivan then leaned over towards Alfred. So close they could share headlice. Eww, never mind. Kiku questioned Alfred in a low tone, occasionally glancing at Ivan under dark lashes, and wrote down several notes.

Time to intercept. Battle of the Batter didn't need to be the latest headline in the town tabloids. Matthew touched Ivan's elbow gently, watching for any sudden movements. He had noticed that sometime Ivan reacted to a perceived threat before realizing what was going on. Several other students had learned the hard way not to surprise the big Russian. Or grab his non-existent breasts. Korea certainly invented how to fly out the second floor window (which was luckily open for air flowage) and land on local compost heap for the school's greenhouses that day.

"What is it, Matvey?" Ivan didn't spare him a glance. A little, agitated giggle crept through his parody of a smile.

"Well, I was wondering if you'd like a brownie or some gelato. It's really good. Ludwig's girlfriend runs the bakery part and Feliciano hand-makes the gelato. Ludwig, himself, is the cake boss, so he doesn't really make the stuff in the case, just for special orders… I mean, we might as well get some while we're here, right?"

Not like a date. It was not like a date. He didn't just offer to buy Ivan ice cream so the two of them could share a cone and stroll off into the sunset. It was a treat between friends. And potentially life-saving. Yeah, totally legit, and not date-material.

Ivan blinked, "I do not care for sweets."

"The maple-walnut fudge is really, really good though. But it's so rich, I can't eat it by myself. Share with me?" Matthew gulped and tried something he had seen Alfred do a bijillion times. Puppy eyes.

Ivan stared, the smile slipping from his face, "Is Matvey ill?"

"What?" What! That was a perfect emulation of Alfred's put-baby-deer-to-shame eyes.

"Your eyes… they do not look normal. Perhaps we should step outside. The flour and dust in the air will make eyes water, da?" Ivan clarified, immediately concerned. Ludwig twitched when he said the word 'dust.' No doubt the neat-freak Germany would invest in some industrial air filters in the near future.

"I… am feeling a little faint." Matthew hedged. Oh God, he was such a liar. But this was for the greater good! "I think my blood sugar's low. Can you get me a piece of fudge and we'll go outside?" And this was not date-material either. Just because Ivan bought him his favorite candy on earth and escorted him away from the witnesses…

Ivan nodded, sparing at glance at Kiku and Alfred, before walking up to Feliciano, who was minding the register with a dreamy smile and watching some girls outside the shop. When Ivan blocked his view he simply tried to look around the body in his way.

"I require some of that." Ivan's finger stabbed down in front of Feliciano's nose insistently making the Italian yelp in surprise. "Take it, take it, but I don't have keys to the register, so please don't hurt me!"

"I was not intending to hurt you, but I wish to purchase that dessert." Ivan replied shortly.

Feliciano made the mistake of looking up. His chocolate eyes widened to the point where Matthew was afraid they were going to pop out and bounce on the floor. And then Ludwig would freak about the blood on his spotless floors and Kiku would have to take Feliciano to the hospital. The Italian gibbered something in rapid Italian, drawing everyone's attention, as he started throwing pieces of fudge AT Ivan. Running out of fudge, he wailed and ran to hide behind Ludwig.

Ivan stood perplexed, pieces of fudge peeling and oozing off his clothing and face. His tongue swiped at a glob on the corner of his mouth. He didn't quite get it all the first time and took another taste. Anything remotely intelligent Matthew was going to say disappeared as his eyes were riveted to Ivan's mouth. Food porn. Right. There. It'd be better if Ivan were licking it _off him_. Would there be any better orgasm in the world between maple-walnut fudge and Ivan? Matthew highly doubted it.

"Feliciano, please do not move the table." Ludwig sighed again and stabilized his cake. He gave Alfred and Ivan an accusatory glare a piece before losing patience and adding in a sharper tone, "Get out! I told you, be nice to customers. And not just the pretty girls, either! Go take his money and then get the broom to clean up the fudge."

"I was being nice!" Feliciano protested, casting a nervous glance over at Ivan. He inched over to the cash register and said meekly held out his hand, "That'll be $3.49. Please. And please don't kill me!"

Alfred grinned widely, "Nah, Feli, Ivan's cool. He's one of my friends and you're one of my friends, so he wouldn't kill you." Tell that to Kiku. "So be nice to him for me okay? He's new in town."

Feliciano shaking subsided and little and he blinked curiously, "Do you like pasta?"

Ivan opened his mouth but Alfred cut him off, "Of course Ivan loves pasta. Who doesn't love pasta?" Feliciano nodded in agreement. Ivan scowled.

"That's great! Nice to meet you Ivan! Sorry about being scared of you." Feliciano hummed and Matthew was a little jealous. He'd like to say it was a meeting of the lower minds, but he knew Alfred had a knack for knowing just what people needed reassurance on. He couldn't do diddly about sensing rejection or sarcasm (which he was exposed to frequently enough by Arthur that he _should_ have a grasp on it by now) or when people were pissed at him, but he always knew what to say to make people at ease. And it sucked. Matthew wanted to do that. Alfred didn't need it; he did!

"Matthew," a new voice called out to him and he swung his head around. Sophie gave a grin and held out a small package. "Here, since Feliciano accidentally ruined the other batch. I was going to give it to you at the hockey game but I was sick and forgot to give it to Gilbert."

It was perfectly okay the other batch was ruined, but only if Matthew got to remove it from Ivan. With his tongue.

"For me?" Matthew flushed darkly. Ludwig and Sophie seemed to be two of the people who actually remembered who he was. Although in Ludwig's case, it was more because Gilbert had dared him to prank Ludwig's car and because he sniped the German in lazer tag viciously (only because Ludwig was so competent that he didn't want to die a horrible blinking LED death first). But Sophie seemed to enjoy using him to test out her new fudge recipes. Maple-walnut was their joint creation, his taste buds and her talent. It was a 20/80 split on royalties and kept a little money in his pocket and all the free fudge he could want.

"Of course, you're our best customer." Sophie smiled and Ivan looked at her curiously. Alfred, Kiku, and Feliciano were back over the sketches of Alfred's glorious cake-of-wooing. Even then Alfred couldn't resist taunting 'fatty!' She turned to Ivan with a neutral look, "Hi, I'm Sophie. I co-own this bakery with Ludwig. It is very nice to meet you. I'm so glad Matthew has another friend."

'Another friend?' Matthew had plenty of friends, thank you very much. Just because some of them, okay most of them, hung out with Alfred too didn't mean they weren't his friends. And he had other friends too. Like Sophie's brother and Gilbert and… and… No way he was a friendless loser.

"I am Ivan." Ivan shook her hand politely. Matthew was hoping for a little more… jealousy? So Sophie could probably strip tease and rub herself all over Matthew (like that would ever happen and Matthew hoped it wouldn't because Ludwig… it wouldn't be a good way to die) and Ivan wouldn't care. But Kiku almost touches Alfred and there's homicide afoot? So not fair. "It is nice to meet you as well."

"Matthew, there's a new recipe in there. Could you try it for me and tell me what you think? I'd really appreciate it."

Matthew nodded.

"You're the greatest pal ever!" Alfred shouted and swept Kiku into a massive, spinecrusher. The poor Japanese man squeaked in surprise before remembering his plot to get back Ivan. Obviously it was beyond him to hug back but he went limp like a ragdoll and managed a weak pat. Alfred grinned widely and hugged him harder before letting go and striding towards the door. "I owe you guys one. Really! Any time you need me to watch the pack, I'm ready!"

"You are not going near out dogs again!" "Beck really liked you. I think we'll have to take you up on that! He's usually so picky!" "Come back for pasta!"

Ivan slowly disentangled Feliciano, who was trying to press a free gelato on him as an apology, and headed for the door. His violet eyes never left the dazed Japanese man. This could not end well. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but Ivan was probably contemplating the cardinal sin of torture right now.

Matthew decided it really wasn't his problem. He could worry about it and stalk Kiku (or better yet, Ivan) but he really wasn't up for that. And it wasn't like Kiku didn't take three forms of martial arts and traditional sword work or anything. Maybe he should be protecting Ivan from Kiku not the other way around.

"Thank you for the fudge, Sophie." Matthew called out as Alfred snagged his sleeve and dragged him through the door. Ivan followed. He let go just as Gilbert came around the corner. Gilbert grinned and slung an arm around Matthew's waist, tugging him close. Alfred grumbled and Ivan stared.

"Hey you, are you missing the awesome me?" Gilbert purred, nuzzling Matthew's ear teasingly. His ruby eyes twinkled with good humor and play, "I'm much more fun than ol' Luddy. You and I should hang out and maybe some of my awesome will rub off on you."

Matthew stuck his tongue out before answering with a straight face, "No, sir. The last time I used your toilet I ended up with Property of Awesome branded into my buttock. That was enough awesome for me. Where'd you get that toilet seat anyway?"

"You _are_ Property of Awesome." Gilbert cackled and slapped Matthew on the butt, "Your ass belongs to me!"

Matthew gave a shy smile. Gilbert was an egotist but he was really fun to hang around.

Alfred cleared his throat. Loudly. He sounded like a mountain lion trying to cough up a wad of rabbit fur crossed with a constipated elephant. Gilbert looked up and glared at Ivan with a frown. Violet eyes bore down at the pair with an unfriendly glint and Matthew started to wiggle out of Gilbert's grasp. The albino locked him in with his arm and met the staring match from Matthew's shoulder.

"C'mon Mattie. We're going to be late." Alfred said urgently.

Ivan smiled. With teeth.

Matthew sighed. He could almost smell the testosterone and urine from the impending pissing match. Maybe he was girly, since most guys seem to react to Gilbert by wanting to challenge him. Did they sense his 'awesome' or something? And what was Alfred's problem. The only place they had to go was to the Redbox at McDonald's to return Saw 3. Matthew had insisted that if you Saw One, you saw them all, but Alfred whined and threatened to rent a chick flick instead. Matthew wouldn't be the one having nightmares for the next week, so he relented.

"Um, Ivan, this is Gilbert. I don't know if you've ever been introduced…"

"No need to be introduced. Seeing him was enough for me." Ivan giggled, "He was at the hockey match."

Now, if there was one thing Matthew had learned about Ivan, it was that giggling was a bad, bad sign.

"Natalia!" Alfred yelled, waving frantically at the woman across the street. Instinctively both Matthew and Ivan ducked for cover through the side gate of the bakery. Instantly four large dogs bounded over. Ivan stared down and coolly picked up a shovel.

"No, put that down!" Matthew shouted in a panic and received a betrayed look in return. Ivan lowered the shovel but didn't set it down. "Hi guys, good dogs. You remember me."

The four dogs stopped and wagged their tails as Gilbert hopped the fence behind them. The albino ruffled the nearest dog's ears, a black and white Great Dane puppy with feet the size of dinner plates, and grinned at Ivan.

"Put that thing away. You really don't want West mad at you because you hurt his dogs." Gilbert said lowly. "I don't know who the hell you are, but you're Mattie's friend, so I won't go awesome on your ass. Yet. So get the hell out."

"I cannot." Ivan replied coldly concealing his nervous glance behind him. He was probably trying to locate Natalia by sound and wishing he were a bat so he would have echolocation powers. Here we went again. Maybe they should just pound each other and sort out dominance that way. But only if Matthew could start a pool and make bets on it.

"Er, Ivan, these are Ludwig and Sophie's dogs: Blackie, Aster, Blitz, and Beck." Matthew said, patting the Dane puppy, who licked him enthusiastically. Aster was a lot less scary than Blackie, who was a Doberman, and Blitz who was a Giant Schnauzer. Beck was Sophie's dog and a Belgium Malinois and obsessed with tennis balls. Even now he had one hanging out of his mouth. Gilbert protested, "Nuh-uh, Aster's mine. West just takes care of him for me!"

"I do not care for dogs." Ivan said, moving away as Beck spit the slobbery ball at his feet.

"Scared much? Dogs are almost as awesome as I am. Dude, you're such a killjoy." Gilbert proclaimed with a scoff. Instant chaos. All four dogs' ears perked up before they launched themselves at him. Okay, maybe Matthew's nervous hysterics didn't just apply to Alfred or maybe it was just too damn funny, but Matthew ended up almost rolling on the ground laughing.

"Nein! Fluei! Platz!" Gilbert screamed at the four dogs as he tried to pull himself over the fence and out of their reach. Ivan waded in and grabbed Gilbert by his belt. With a grunt he literally threw the albino over the four foot fence. There was a heavy thump and swearing in German on the other side. The dogs swarmed the fence, whining and pawing madly, trying to get to their new chew toy.

"Perhaps I should revise my opinion. I like these dogs very much, so long as they do not touch me."

Matthew just knocked his head into the wall softly. Well, good thing he never wanted a dog.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Whatever Matthew was expecting from his brother, this definitely wasn't it.

"Hey, Mattie, how do you put this on?" In his brother's hands was a pack of patriotic condoms. The latex was adorned with bald eagle heads and the American flag. His brother had a shy, sheepish look on his face, although he didn't seem to be embarrassed in the slightest. Matthew gagged at the gaudiness of the condoms before the thought hit him.

"Alfred Freeman Jones!" Matthew shrieked. Oh God, he was supposed to be looking after his brother; he promised their parents and that's the only reason they were going to the same school! And all this time… all this time that dimwit was having unprotected sex? Mentally he began ticking off all the women he could remember Alfred dating and was appalled at the potential number of mini-Alfreds! Not to mention that now he'd have to make Al go get tested… and then all his partners, and… and…

"What!" Alfred yelped back. He dropped the condoms and bent down to pick them up. "And my middle name is not Freeman! It's Fuckin'."

"That's a condom Al." Matthew said slowly, trying to ignore the creeping panic in the back of his mind. This was beyond hysterical laughing; if he gave in to the panic he might stop breathing this time. "We learned how to put them on in sex ed. And if your middle name is Fuckin' you should know how to use one for Godssake!"

"Duh, I know what it is, and I was asleep during that class. It was totally boring, and gross, like I wanted to see a baby being born!" Alfred retorted. "I didn't know if I bought the right kind though. I didn't know there were so many types, so I just bought the most expensive one. That's got to be good, right?"

Matthew resisted the urge to throttle him.

"You IDIOT! How many times? Do you know how irresponsible that is! I can't believe you, I just can't believe you…" Matthew ranted, losing it. Alfred slowly sunk into himself looking trapped and terrified. He tried to step around Matthew a few times and was thrown back. Matthew wasn't done with him. He was lucky Matthew didn't castrate him to prevent him from making the gene pool anymore shallow than it already was! As the minutes rolled by, Matthew started losing steam. His face was bright red to match his favorite hoodie and violet eyes were practically bugging out of his head. He took a deep breath and counted to ten before adding in his normal whisper, "You're such a dumbass Al."

Alfred slowly uncurled, looking like a mildly retarded armadillo and gave a shaky grin, "So you won't give me tips on kissing either?"

That cheeky bastard! He… wait. What?

"…Are you a… virgin?" Matthew slurred out the words, trying to get a grasp on this new, alternate reality he seemed to have been transported to. Somehow this one was far more terrifying than the thought of Alfred commanding an army of his kids. Alfred looked at him with wide eyes, silent and caught red-handed; Matthew _knew _that look—it was the hand in the cookie jar look! "You are, aren't you!" Well, that explained why he couldn't keep a girlfriend for more than a few weeks.

"So are you!" Alfred screamed back in mortification, his face turning scarlet. His blue eyes sparkled behind his glasses and Matthew was amazed. Part of him wished he had a video camera because this was a once in a lifetime event… Alfred was a crazy mess.

The bigger part of him made Matthew's face light up in embarrassment, and he groaned into his hands. Was he really having this conversation? With his brother. In the school parking lot—oh shit, the parking lot. He looked around hastily to see what kind of audience they had gathered. Luckily it was late enough most of the students had either left campus or were in their dorms.

A small but deadly peanut gallery leered back at him. Ludwig and his cousin Roderich had stopped in mid-conversation and were staring at the twins in embarrassment. A few seconds later they were scuttling away as fast as possible back towards the dorms. Gilbert gave him a thumbs up and he flushed more. Francis and Toni snickered and gave a few wolf whistles. Alfred followed his gaze to Gilbert and his mouth fell open. He looked between the two several times, giving himself whiplash in the process, and gaped some more.

He whispered, sounding betrayed, "Seriously… you're not?"

Matthew wanted to murder him. Seriously. Right now. Or at least punch him hard enough to knock him out and stop this grisly train wreck before they hit a broken bridge and plunged off the bridge like a scene out of those old westerns Alfred was so fond of. He found he couldn't look his brother in the eye and glanced at Gilbert again.

Alfred bristled like a pissed cat, gave Matthew a dirty, angry look and shot Gilbert a venomous glare, "I'll fucking kill him, that perverted bastard!"

Francis sniggered and purred out, "Alfred, perhaps there are others you should be asking for advice, oui? I am very knowledgeable and happy to share…" Matthew would bet he'd be happy to share. He probably had a list of all the "enlightened" conquests he had hidden in his diary.

"I'm not gay and Artie told me to say no to Frenchmen." Alfred answered primly, looking away with his nose up in the air, then added in a surprisingly good imitation, "You bloody frog!"

Francis looked highly offended and his two friends were chuckling and cackling like mad at the slight. Alfred gave a small chuckle as well, doing one of his mysterious mood shifts, and stared at Gilbert. The albino leered back, his red eyes dancing. He purposely raised a hand and gave Alfred the finger before laughing some more.

"Ah, _Alfredo_, simply take it slow, get to know your partner." Toni said smoothly with a wide smile glittering against his tan skin, "She will be less likely to slap you. Ladies do not like surprises."

"Fuck that shit. The awesome me says take her from behind… women like it rough!" Gilbert chimed in and Matthew flushed again. He wasn't sure about ladies but… "You'll bore the shit outta her if you listen to these two romantic pussies!"

The trio engulfed Alfred, babbling over each other and bickering. Toni slung a companionable arm over Alfred and started to drag him away in a tight headlock. Francis had retrieved the condoms and was examining the box, clucking his tongue lightly. Gilbert sent Matthew a wink and licked his lips seductively before trotting off after Matthew's captured brother and his two friends.

"Matvey prefers males? Although one would not choose that man as Matvey's type." Matthew jumped out of his skin at the voice behind him. He whirled to see Ivan peering down with curiosity open in his violet eyes. He gave a smile and added happily, "And Matvey is very pretty when he is red and angry!"

Pretty? Matthew's brain was broken. Or it was on strike. Or it was left behind in reality, the one that made sense. Between the fact that Al was a virgin and couldn't use a condom to save his man-bits and the fact that the previous fact would be spread all over the school like jello over girls in a plastic pool wrestling contest, his brain was busted. How did Ivan know…? Oh shit, how did _Alfred_ know? Matthew wanted a drink or a time machine, one of the two.

"Er, yeah." Matthew muttered dolefully trying to remember at what point a rainbow flashed over his head like a cheap bar sign. He didn't remember screaming I'm gay to the whole parking lot within the last five minutes.

Ivan blinked and asked, "Was it a secret? You are not very happy. They did not seem to judge you for it. I, likewise, do not judge." Matthew bit his tongue at how hypocritical that would be if he did. But he had to remind himself that Ivan probably didn't realize that he was an open picture book while he was drowning in drool over Alfred topless.

"It's not them I'm worried about." Matthew replied. And it was true. The Bad Touch Trio was notorious for their sexual conquests on both sides of the fence. And if no one else was available, then they always had each other as fuck buddy back up. No, he wasn't really worried what they thought, and they knew he was gay anyway! He was sure Gilbert spilled blow-by-blow details of their sex life the way a sport announcer would give football plays, much to his protest. Well, he did until Matthew snuck hot peppers in his drink and acted completely innocent of the matter. Gilbert knew anyway; he smirked and wasn't fazed at all, but he did stop saying it in front of Matthew. "It's Al."

Ivan frowned slightly, looking perplexed. He gave a tug on his scarf, clearly thinking. Matthew, despite his glum mood, couldn't help but think he'd want to see the smooth skin and tendons hidden beneath the soft, cream fabric. See and touch and taste. Mentally he sighed and shoved the thought away hopelessly. He had bigger problems than his testosterone-fueled fantasies on his crush.

"Alfred will understand. He is your brother." Ivan said finally and with certainty. He gave his scarf a pet and nodded affirmatively, "You give him too little credit. While he is lacking in some areas, he will support you."

Matthew looked away uncertainty. He wished he could have that much faith in his brother, but Alfred had on numerous occasions been… well, not politically correct at the very least. Okay, well, he was a complete ass about it, braying at the hip-hop "no homo" lines and making merciless fun of the main-heroine's stereotypical gay guy best friend and making mocking comments about gay rights on the news before he changed it to cartoons.

Then again, he seemed cool with all the bi-sexuals that surrounded him, including the three that had just dragged him off. But they weren't _Matthew_; they weren't _his brother_; and they weren't _gay_. It was obvious that Alfred thought being bi-curious was a phase. And Alfred let other people get away with murder, but with close friends and family he did an about-face.

As much of a prick as Alfred was sometimes, Matthew couldn't stand the thought of his twin hating him, being disgusted with him, shunning him. He felt his eyes and nose starting to prickle and felt a crushing urge to just sit down in the middle of the parking lot and bawl.

A large hand rested on Matthew's curly hair then gave a few tentative pats, like Ivan was afraid to pressing too hard. He gratefully looked up and impulsively gave Ivan a hug. The Russian stiffened although he left his hand on Matthew's head. Matthew hung on, enjoying the steady warmth and solid body he was pressed against. He felt safe, and his patience was rewarded when Ivan relaxed against him with a slight hum.

"Perhaps I should share a story with Matvey." Ivan said slowly as if testing his words. He paused for a long moment before adding, "This… this is not something I have told many people."

Matthew didn't answer just buried his face in further and tightened his arms. With his nose stuck in the fabric, he could smell the faint odor of Tide and soap. He was curious about Ivan's story but he wasn't going to pry if Ivan wasn't ready to share. Unlike Alfred, who would be pinky swearing himself to secrecy and begging unabashed.

"I am not an only child. I have a half-sister named Katerina. She and I were very close when we were little; however, as we grew, we grew apart. I found this very sad, but did not know how to mend our relationship." Ivan said softly. His hand was now moving through Matthew's hair tentatively, big fingers combing through small tangles and smoothing wayward curls. "Eventually she came here to go to school, leaving me alone with our parents. This is when…" Ivan shuddered slightly and Matthew gave a reassuring squeeze in response, "I do love Natalia… but like a sister. We used to play together as children, and it was lovely, but I do not wish to marry her!

"So I secretly called my sister, although we had not spoken for months. She said Natalia was a nice young lady but the choice should be mine. And I told her… I said that I was not interested in Natalia that way… that I was not interested in women that way. I was very afraid she would be mad but I had to tell someone. She told me to be happy because I was her beloved brother and I deserved it. It was… not what I was expecting, and I felt shame for doubting her."

"Really?" Matthew's voice was muffled by the fabric.

Ivan's hand stopped slowly and rested on the nape of Matthew's neck. The Russian pulled him back and forced his head up. He looked odd without his trademark smile, a serious half-frown on his face, "You will speak with Alfred, da?"

"Eventually." He would kind of have to, since the two of them shared a studio apartment on the edge of campus. Alfred had wanted to live in the dorms to be close to the parties, not like he wasn't invited to all of them anyway, and so he didn't have to get up as early for football practice. But Matthew didn't relish the thought of sharing a six person suite with college freshman. So they compromised.

Ivan gave his neck a warning squeeze and Matthew was reminded that Ivan wasn't all sugar and spice. He had actually seen several displays of authoritative firmness and a touch of cruelty from the big Russian. Nothing serious but nothing that made him want to piss Ivan off either.

"I will talk to Alfred." He said dutifully. And he would. Eventually… as in on his death bed or under torture. He was already considering how to not talk to Alfred… ever. Was that even possible? Matthew was sure he could distract his brother indefinitely… but only if Alfred wasn't paying too much attention. And obviously, he had been paying plenty of attention…

"I am serious. You will speak to your brother." Ivan's voice was cold and commanding. There was no hint of a smile or childish playfulness in it.

"But, what if…" Matthew let the excuse die in his throat. There were a ton of what-ifs. He couldn't think about it; just briefly touching it made him ill, and he clutched his stomach, letting go of Ivan's chest. This wasn't like a pimple; a fading blemish that went away with time. Admitting he was gay out loud was more like a scar he wouldn't let heal. And Alfred had reopened it just as it had started to heal, after he had come out to their parents, and Ivan was peeling away the edges.

Ivan just gave him a final, hard pat and walked away, leaving Matthew in a tangle of worries and insecurities.

Omake:

Ivan: Alfred, who's this Jones person? I heard you were having sex with someone named Jones.

Al: ... uhhh, that's just weird Ivan. Where'd you hear that?

Ivan: Alfred said it :) but I need to know who this Jones person is so I can beat them to death *giggle*

Al: it's a phrase man, just a phrase. My middle name is Fuckin' and my last name is Jones. Get it?

Ivan: so you are having sex with yourself? I believe that goes by a different name.

Al: *blushes*

Ivan: do not worry, I sometimes do so myself.

Al: *utterly mortified* dude, I don't want to know about your masturbation! I just don't!

Matt: should've stuck with Freeman.

Ivan: who is this Freeman? Is he also having sex with Alfred?


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Thank you all for the hits, favs, reviews, and alerts. I've been having a luckless sort of last couple of weeks and your support is very encouraging.

And unrealistic chapter is unrealistic… but avoids an unwelcome angst-fest in a romantic comedy.

Chapter Nine

"Hey, Mattie, are you sick? Why won't you open the door? C'mon, you can't skip; it'll make me look good!" Alfred's voice and fist filled Matthew's dark room with noise. He grunted and turned over, huddled under the covers. "Mat-teeee! Fine, I'll just break down the door!"

Matthew bolted up and shouted back irritably, "GO AWAY! Can't you just leave me alone! I don't feel good."

The pounding stopped.

"Oh." Alfred paused, "Do you want some soup? You sound like shit."

Matthew curled back under the comforter, disgusted by Alfred pretending to care about him. It was obvious by the way he disappeared for two days that he was avoiding Matthew. He would leave early and creep in late. Matthew wanted to question him but that would mean actually seeing him and talking to him. And Matthew chickened out.

"Pancakes? I'll make sure it's real maple syrup, just like you taught me." Alfred tempted and Matthew threw a book at the door angrily. It hit the wood with a nasty thump and crashed into the floor.

"Did you get in a fight with Ivan? Just say the word and I'll make him sorry! I know he's your friend and all, but you don't have to take crap!" Alfred vowed aggressively and Matthew could hear his fist slam into the wall with a meaningful thump. Not receiving an answer, Alfred continued pleadingly, "Seriously, Mattie, is someone bullying you? You have to tell me, so I can talk to them."

Matthew scoffed at that. The only talking his brother would do would be the introduction before the first punch and the 'leave my brother alone' after the last spiteful kick. When they were children Matthew was mostly ignored, but there was a small group of bullies that wouldn't leave him alone. They took perverse delight in taking his stuffed bear, making him eat mud cakes and various other childish cruelties. Well, they did. Until one day Alfred walked into the middle of it. He calmly assessed the situation, pushed his glasses into Matthew's chubby hand, and threw himself viciously at the ring leader. The child came out of it with three broken fingers and two missing teeth. Alfred earned suspension for his trouble and ended up enrolled in martial arts "to learn discipline," but neither of them breathed a word of Matthew. And no one dared bully Matthew after that either, even up through high school.

"Are you mad at me?" Alfred whined, apparently going through all the things that might be bothering Matthew. He scratched at the door making more whining sounds, "Gilbert got over it…mostly… and it wasn't _permanent_. Toni and Francis thought it was hilarious!" There was some shuffling and a low, "Bastard deserved it and more."

Matthew's eyes flew up wide. What had his brother done to Gilbert?

"Fine, be that way!" Alfred shouted through the door, losing his patience. There was a loud crash as he exited the front door. It was silent for a moment before the door creaked back open and an ominous threat floated back in, "I'll get Ivan to check on you, since I'm going to be late again tonight. He'll have the key, so don't think you can get away from the big guy! I know you're going to crawl out for food sometime!"

Matthew's eyes flew open and he tripped himself scrambling out of bed. He did not want to see Alfred or Ivan right now, but between the two, he wanted to see Ivan less because he felt like he broke his promise. And he didn't want Ivan to see how weak and useless he was. He slammed into the door and fiddled with the lock before spilling out into the hallway.

"Alfred, wait!" his voice was hoarse from disuse and he felt a little light headed from not eating recently. He tripped over his feet, vaguely noting the rug burn and glad he was wearing boxers at least, before reaching the living room. Alfred was beaming in the middle of it, blue eyes twinkling victoriously. That bastard!

"Hiya Mattie." He greeted amiably with a cool undertone. He was leaned against the doorway casually but Matthew knew how fast his brother could move. And he wasn't interested in being tackled into the coffee table. "Long time no see."

Matthew scowled back, mindful of his crazy bedhead and bagged eyes.

"Oh give me a break!" his brother cried, "Why are you mad? C'mon, I recycled the empty cereal box this morning and took out the trash. You wanted me to do that, right? I even did the dishes. I won't beat Ivan up, I promise! And, really, Gil's mostly fine. It was only two hours in the emergency room and one embarrassing conversation with the doc about shaving cream cans!"

Matthew forgot how much Alfred hated it when he thought someone was mad at him.

"Er…" Matthew croaked. Why did Alfred have charm like a baby? You know, how babies emitted pheromones to make you love and forgive them after they screamed so hard blood vessels in their little eyeballs popped and you wanted to send them flying from a lack of sleep? That was Alfred. There was a reason Arthur, and apparently Natalia, hadn't murdered him yet.

"You don't love me anymore!" Cue the melodramatic.

"I don't hate you Al." Matthew whispered, all the fight and flight draining out of him. Might as well get this over with, otherwise he'd have to drop out and move to Canada to escape this stupid situation he was in. He was sure he would find something up there to do that didn't involve running dog sleds or skinning beavers or something. He liked polar bears and science, maybe he could work on conservation and prove polar bears didn't like to swim all the time. "Do you hate me?"

Alfred looked pole-axed. He blinked stupidly, processing. Something seemed to click in his head because it snapped up and he stared at Matthew in a way he hadn't in a long time. Usually he just glanced at his brother over or looked past (over) him. Matthew squirmed uncomfortably, feeling his stomach sink further, cold and heavy. Beads of sweat, however, were breaking out across his forehead and temples and in other places. Just when Matthew thought he couldn't take the sky blue stare any longer, Alfred blinked and gave a shaky smile.

"Don't do that!" Matthew demanded harshly. He hated it when his brother smiled like that, like beaming his pretty boy smile could solve every problem. The smile slipped off Alfred's lip and he cocked his head quizzically but didn't say anything. Matthew felt a sickening satisfaction at the loss and hissed, "Don't pretend like everything's okay! It's not!"

Alfred scratched his head and sighed, "I don't get it Mattie." He slouched hard against the wall, peeking from the corner of his eye, face properly somber. "Why would I hate you?"

"Because… I'm… because… how long?"

"What?"

"How long have you known I was gay?" Matthew demanded coldly, feeling his arms and legs turning cold and heavy like his stomach. It was like little bits of him were turning to ice, and he figured being an ice statue wouldn't hurt too much after the body was completely numb. "How long have you been pretending to still love me? How long have you been using me?"

Alfred's head snapped up and he stared another one of those unblinking blue beam stares at Matthew. Matthew's mauve eyes met his in a measured look, unable to turn away, seeking the truth.

"I've known for awhile, but, ah, it wasn't really my business, right?" Alfred chuckled nervously and ran a hand through his dirty blond hair. Of course, in Alfred terminology 'not my business' translated to I'd love to stick my nose in but I'm too busy with me right now. "But… _Gilbert?_ That's so unawesome. Well, I guess it could've been Francis…"

Matthew flushed with embarrassment.

"Francis too? Eww, Mattie, I might have to take back my acceptance if you're going to have such poor taste!" Alfred grimaced and Matthew glared. Alfred hastily backtracked, "Kidding, kidding! But I am your brother, so I should get a say!"

"But…" Matthew trailed off, wondering why it was so easy. There had to be a hook somewhere.

"But what? I'm sure if Mom and Dad think it's okay, then it's okay." Alfred said with all the wisdom of his sheepeople personality. Trust him not to think too hard and completely ignore the fact that their parents didn't _really_ approve of Matthew's choices. He had been away at football camp when his parents found out about Gilbert… and that had not gone well at all. Alfred flashed a reassuring, slightly naïve smile, "Besides, you're my brother, and I gotta love you! It's not like I'm getting into bed with guys."

"So… you're okay with me being gay?"

"Totally down with it." Alfred nodded and added happily, "And I don't think Ivan's too bad a choice, personally. For a friend, for a friend. I mean, he's a bit creepy sometimes, but you two seem to get along really well, and I think the big guy's pretty decent. And you seemed to have convinced him to slack off on the weird staring; that was really getting to me. I know that sometimes other countries are so backwater in their manners, so I was being cool about it, but it was really obnoxious and disturbing. So keep up the good work!"

This was so not happening. Who was this person in front of him? It certainly wasn't Alfred, his clueless, narcissistic brother. Something was clearly wrong. Maybe one of Arthur's spells finally did something and switched Alfred with his other self from another reality. Or the football had finally rattled the connections _together_ in his brother's head and after a few more knocks he'd go back to his usual, blithering self.

"I-Ivan?"

"Yeah, he was asking after you. He was worried you were sick or something. Liz said it was so sweet and Gil just growled and said it was so gay. I told him Ivan was happy around you anyway. Then they laughed at me." Alfred pouted. He glanced at his watch and yelped, "Oh God, coach is going to chew my ass out! I'm so late."

Before Matthew could react Alfred had crossed over to him and scooped him up in a massive bear hug, pulling him off the ground. He grinned into Matthew's neck and shouted, "I love you Mattie!" Then he abruptly dropped him onto the couch and ran off swearing and banging into walls. The apartment shook as he slammed the front door for the second time in ten minutes and then there was silence.

Slowly Matthew picked himself off the couch after un-stunning. He needed a shower and his teeth felt like they were growing moss or fungus on them. After making himself presentable, he wouldn't want to show up looking like he went on strike in his room for several days after all, he wolfed down some waffles, noting the almost empty milk carton. Sighing, he dumped out the last bit of milk and rinsed it out, putting it in the recycling bin on top of the cereal box. Alfred was such a slob but he tried.

As relieved as he was, he still didn't feel up the class, so he padded over to the couch and clicked on the tv. He must have dozed off because the next thing he knew the door was opening. Feeling dazed, he glanced over and almost had a heart attack. With an unmanly yelp, he rolled off the couch and stared.

Ivan stared back at him, looking partly surprised, partly amused and holding a small container of something. Matthew dearly hoped it wasn't from Arthur. He didn't want food poisoning on top of everything.

"Matthew is feeling better, da?"

Matthew stared past him out the window. Of course he would have a heart attack. It was dusk outside and the light glowed around Ivan's large frame shadowing his face and body. What a way to wake up, a large Russian breaking into your house and hovering over you with a bowl of soup.

Matthew wanted to growl at him but then realized that Alfred had said he was going to send Ivan over. And that he was going to be late. Late doing what? There weren't any parties that Matthew knew off and football never went late, all the jocks would have a fit about it cutting into their drinking time.

Shoving that thought to the back of his mind, he squeaked, "Ivan."

Ivan smiled and set the soup down in front of him, "From Arthur. Alfred asked me see you. He said you were not feeling well."

"Er, I'm feeling much better now…" Matthew trailed off, looking pleadingly at the soup. He could've sworn black tentacles of miasma were curling around the rim. Ivan just smiled expectantly. Matthew gulped and climbed back on the couch to put some more distance between it and him, "S-so, I don't need s-soup anymore. But it was very nice of Arthur to think of me…"

"But Arthur instructed me to make you drink every last drop. He said he put all of his healing power into it, da?" Ivan replied innocently and the smile grew a bit more. His violet eyes were clear and light and Matthew suddenly realized that was a threat—er, hint.

"I spoke to Al." Crisis mode activation. Avert, avert! Matthew didn't think Ivan was as easy to distract as Alfred, but he was getting a little desperate. The last time he had poured Arthur's cooking into a potted plant, it went up in flames and set off the ceiling sprinklers. Besides, he could see the edges of the container melting. He had always thought Arthur should apply for National Defense; his cooking could be used as a biological and mechanical and chemical weapon.

Ivan paused, waiting patiently, smile still fixed in place.

"Um, you were right. He didn't care at all." Matthew mumbled sheepishly, feeling like a big baby. And incredibly lucky. What were the odds his family and friends didn't care? Despite how it turned out, his fears had been perfectly rational. "He's known for awhile."

"This is very good." Ivan nodded. Matthew searched for a hint of I-told-you-so but he just heard honest satisfaction in the Russian's voice. A big hand pushed the soup to the side and Ivan pushed his bigger form between the coffee table and the couch to peer down. "My sister wishes to meet my new friends. She is very excited that I—and Natalia—are close to her again, and she will be coming this weekend with her friend."

"That's great! I'd love to meet your sister," Matthew blurted out before remember that Ivan wasn't as close with his sister as he would've liked. He added, "I'll make sure Alfred's on his best behavior." Matthew knew his brother was a little… overwhelming.

The Russian chuckled, clearly taking Matthew's joke to heart. Matthew crushed the fluffy flutters that were maniacally banging around his chest as Ivan sat down on the couch and leaned back into him. The two sat like that for a moment before Matthew's stomach grumbled loudly. His eyes widened in panic and he hastily tried to think if Ivan would buy that it was alien radio like Alfred did. Unfortunately, Ivan beat him to it.

"Matthew is hungry?"

"I suppose so."

Ivan considered the soup, which appeared to be eating through the plastic, then said mildly, "The soup is cold. Arthur need not know that you did not eat it. Perhaps we should go eat at Paneras?"

Matthew practically cried in relief. He rushed to scoop up the soup and throw it in the fridge. He'd call about recycling toxic waste later because he didn't really want to taint the water supply by pouring it down the drain. With any luck, Alfred, with his cast-iron stomach, would eat it and nullify the poison when he was doing his midnight scrounge and save Matthew the trouble of responsible disposal.

He threw on a coat with a small grin. At least something good came out of all of this. He and Ivan now knew where the other stood (not like he didn't know anyway but it took out that need for the awkward clarification). And Alfred didn't hate him. All in all, it turned out pretty well.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Nothing much to say… Katerena=Ukraine. Toris= Lithuania.

Chapter Ten

Matthew sat at the table, brow furrowed and calculator in hand. Ever since he was a child, he had always sat at the dinner table to do his homework. Alfred usually joined him (although Matthew sincerely doubted he was actually doing anything more productive than asking Matthew for help every three point seven five minutes). However, he had some football club activity (or so he _said_; Matthew, quite frankly, had the sneaking suspicion he was stalking the stalker who was stalking the other stalker).

With a sigh he set down his ball point pen and tucked his graphing calculator in its case. It was too hard to concentrate with all the peace and quiet. Not that he'd ever tell Alfred that because then his brother's incessant chatter would turn eternal. And this was the guy that even talked in his sleep because he literally could. Not. Shut. Up. Seriously, Alfred might spontaneously combust if he couldn't talk for a day.

He glanced at the clock and jumped. Shit, it was that late already? He was supposed to meet Ivan, Natalia and Alfred in forty-five minutes and he hadn't taken a shower or gotten dressed. Hastily trotting to his room, he dove into his closet, searching for something suitable. What _was_ appropriate for meeting your not-boyfriend's family? He didn't have much of a range of casual clothing. There were his everyday clothes and then his suit. As snazzy as the suit was, he was pretty sure that was overkill.

After going through his wardrobe ten times, Matthew sighed. Way to act like a pre-pubescent girl on her first date, he told himself mockingly. He almost resigned himself to pulling out some non-holey jeans and a clean hoodie when he remembered Alfred's closet.

Alfred was a clothes whore, there was no mistaking it. He could be on that Hoarders show or compete with Ken from Barbie's dream house. Funny, he didn't care for shoes, saying shoe collecting was "girly" and "so gay," but pink and purple polos were completely acceptable.

But Matthew wasn't interested in Alfred's clothing. Despite being almost the same size, his brother's flamboyant and tasteless selection made Matthew prefer prison stripes to his gaudy outfits. And somehow they never hung the same on Matthew's slighter frame, making him look like he was playing dress-up. No, he was looking for Arthur's clothing. Which would be neatly hung in the corner of the closet, pressed and wrinkle-free. Arthur didn't leave a lot of his possessions in Alfred's care but he left emergency clothing in the closet after an unfortunately series of events that left him drunk, naked, and streaking home. And yes, the hair down there matched his eyebrows, much to Matthew's dismay and embarrassment.

Pulling out a nice pair of black slacks, Matthew hoped they fit. He'd pass on the sweater vests and pick something milder out of Alfred's drawers. Going back to his room, he picked up some socks and underwear to lay out on the bed with the rest of the clothing (he might be borrowing clothing but another guy's underwear was crossing the line!) before heading to the bathroom.

The shower was quick and hot and he barely bothered to dry himself off before wrapping the towel around his waist and heading back to his room.

"Oh holy shit!" Matthew swore in surprise and let go of the towel. It slid off his hips and he dove after it. Ivan just watched with interest as he tried to wrangle the towel and keep himself covered at the same time. "How did you get in here?"

Ivan held up a single key and swung it back and forth.

Dammit Alfred, retrieve your spare keys! Well, at least it was just Ivan this time. Not nearly as awkward as the time Matthew went to pee at 2 am and found some of Alfred's football buddies high as kites "paddling a canoe" in the bathtub.

Matthew tried to ignore Ivan's eyes sliding over his body as he went towards his clothes. He got to the bed and started by putting on the first thing he grabbed. Socks, oh yes, that was soooooooo useful.

"Why are you here? Am I late or something?" Matthew asked, fumbling with the shirt. It was a classy navy button up and so not Alfred. Must have been a present from some aunt or other. It probably had been intended for Matthew at one point and time but the aunt forgot his name and wrote Alfred to cover it up. It had happened before, much to Alfred's disgust to receive a fuzzy polar bear nightie at age seven. Of course, it was hilarious when he pitched a fit and got all of his presents taken away until he apologized. Matthew had been smirking the whole time behind his plush bear.

"No, I am currently seeking refuge."

"From Natalia?" Like the Russian would be hiding from anything else. It could be a re-enactment of Aliens and Ivan would laugh as the alien popped out of the body (then proceed to beat it to a smushy pulp with some random pipe).

"She will not find me here." Ivan nodded, eyes still wandering over Matthew, a small smile on his face. "This is Alfred's place of residence."

"I'm sure she knows—oh." _Oh_. Of course Natalia wouldn't look here. Because she was avoiding Alfred like he was a flea-infested plague-carrying bilge rat that had mange and leptospirosis. She might actually take the rat over Alfred at this point. And kiss it.

"You'll have to see her at dinner." Matthew reminded him and Ivan grimaced slightly. He fiddled with his fingers and frowned a bit, "Katerina will be happy to see both of us."

"See, this is why you're such a good person. And I'm sure Natalia will behave herself in front of your sister and her friend." Actually, Matthew highly doubted it. From the few times Natalia had managed to corner Ivan, she seemed dead set on making herself a creepy-as-hell, exorcist-worthy possessor of his mind, body and soul. It didn't seem to matter who was around, the girl was fixated, obsessed. And in the States, well, that was a mental disorder.

By now Matthew had managed to put on everything but the slacks and some decent shoes. His eyes scanned the bed, while he was painfully aware Ivan could see his asscheeks peeking from beneath his briefs and his somewhat skinny chicken legs. Where'd the pants go?

"Here." Ivan said and Matthew whirled around to see he was holding the slacks, "These do not belong to you."

"No, they're Arthur's. A little bit short but better than Alfred's leather-studded rock star pants. Those things chafe." Matthew blurted out. And then he wanted to crawl under the bed. He did not just admit to wearing those… abominations (although Gilbert said they made his ass look delicious, if that counted for anything). He flushed and added, "It was on a dare. I don't normally wear that kind of stuff!"

Ivan merely handed him the slacks without a word and Matthew flushed harder. No judging, no judging! God, he hoped Ivan wasn't turned off by him in leathers. They really did hug too tight, both in the front and the back, and the waist was a little loose showing off his navel. That reminded him, he was sure Gilbert still had copies of those photos… which meant that Liz and Francis did too… he'd have to see if he was tagged on Facebook!

The two sat in silence for the rest of the time in the house. Great, just great, Ivan now needed mind bleach. Maybe Matthew could cancel the image out with one equally horrifying? The only thing that came to mind was the one time Matthew was putting a calculus program on Kiku's laptop. He didn't _care_ if a deep-sea squid had a penis longer than its arms and body that was made for penetration… he didn't want to see it… at all to be honest, but especially not like _that_. And why did Kiku have it as his screensaver anyway? And did it have to be _animated with sound_?

"Um, ready?"

Ivan inclined his head, "As much as is possible considering the circumstances. I am very nervous."

Matthew mustered up a smile.

"I was merely planning potential escape routes." Ivan added seriously. "I have already mapped the restaurant. There is a dumpster in the back that is large enough for a temporary hiding place."

Eww, overshare.

Matthew brushed through his hair and pushed Ivan out the door, locking it behind them. With every step he could feel the nervousness ball up in his stomach tighter and tighter. He assumed that Ivan's sister was normal but considering Ivan himself and Natalia, it just didn't seem likely. He spent the whole way to the school imagining more and more horrifying renditions of Katerina until he was convinced she was really a cross-dressing serial killer who drove an ice cream truck.

They turned the corner and he eyed the woman who was speaking earnestly with Natalia. Well, she appeared normal enough and didn't _look_ like a serial killer (what did a serial killer look like anyway?). She went to put a hand on Natalia's shoulder and the blond snagged it midair. Crack. The hand was withdrawn hastily.

Ivan frowned but didn't say anything.

"Um, hi, I'm Matthew." Matthew squeaked. As usual, they ignored him. Matthew was convinced that he actually spoke on another plane of existence and that's why when he met new people they couldn't see, hear or feel him. Or he was a ghost. He had bounced that one off Alfred which ended in much screaming and bedlam. He poked Ivan in the ribs and hissed, "Introduce me, would you?"

Usually if someone else pointed him out (like when Matthew first met Ivan Alfred brought him up) people could see him perfectly. Ivan grunted at him and Matthew chalked it up to being in close contact with Natalia. He was probably deeply immersed in fighting his basest survival instincts just to be within ten feet of his natural predator.

"Oh Ivan dear!" Natalia cooed making both the woman beside her and Ivan jump. Her eyes lit up like a hell-fire preacher offered the road to salvation. Ivan gave a nervous little smile and waved slightly, "Natalia, you seem well."

Matthew barely jumped out of the way as she latched onto Ivan like a man-eating leech. Ivan whimpered slightly and tried to edge away.

"Aren't you going to say anything to your sister?" Matthew asked, trying to distract Ivan. Three pairs of eyes flickered over to him and zeroed in. Natalia started making this sound like she was trying to laugh but her windpipe was too rusty. Ivan cocked his head, puzzled, "But Matvey, my sister is not here yet."

Matthew's head whipped around towards the other woman. He took in the shoulder length brown hair and slim figure and green eyes. Everyone caught his look. Ivan slowly started to chuckle as well, "That is not my sister."

"Katerina went to use the lady's room." The "woman" said in a surprisingly deep voice, "I'm her friend, Toris."

Matthew instantly went beet red. He was sure it was quite an attractive color against the navy blue shirt. Stuttering and stammering an apology, he looked at Toris again and realized either "she" was really flat or didn't have moobies. Toris started to stammer back that it was alright, it happened all the time, not to worry. Between the two they were having a stammering, stuttering fest where Ivan watched with sick amusement and Natalia rolled her eyes in boredom. Thank god Alfred wasn't here yet.

"Ah, Ivan!" This voice was clearly female and the body it belonged to was even more so. Matthew was not a breast man, but he swore he heard those things bounce! Boobs swaddled in thick layers of fabric should not be making sound effects like in a cartoon. And her running in slow motion? A straight man's wet dream. She almost made it to Ivan before tripping. The Russian lunged forward to grab her, dragging Natalia along for the ride. The three of them went down like a play in Alfred's football game, Matthew getting a good look up Natalia's skirt in the process; he sincerely hoped she didn't notice. Katerina was laughing and crying and hugging and suffocating both unfortunate victims with her chest. Ivan had a bashful smile plastered on his face that made Matthew's heart flutter uncomfortably. He loved Ivan's real, rare smiles, and this one was especially sweet. Even Natalia had a small smile on her lips as she gave a small hug back.

"So, how do you know Ivan?" Toris asked, glancing over curiously at Matthew.

"We both go to the university. I met him through my brother Alfred." Matthew hated getting-to-know-you small talk. He shuffled around for a moment, wishing he was invisible. Why was he so damn awkward? Obviously Toris was a nice guy; it's not like he was asking creepy stalker information like, what's your blood type or you look hot naked in the window at night, please don't shut your blinds anymore.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and whirled around. Alfred was looking sulky, although he kept stealing glances at Natalia and Ivan, probably just Natalia, every few seconds.

"You scared the shit out of me, Al!" Matthew yelped. His brother just stared at him with a pout, his lip stuck out. Okay, this was just creepy. Alfred was never silent… unless he was sneaking up on someone… but that was only so he could yell as loud as he could in the person's ear (his favorite victim seemed to be Arthur followed by Kiku; he claimed he was learning other languages by getting cussed out never mind that English was still English). A few more minutes ticked by with Alfred trying to use osmosis or some shit by staring intensely at Matthew. "I don't know what you want! Use your words!" How many times had Matthew heard that one?

Alfred snorted and threw his hands up in the air dramatically. Then he sulked some more.

"Maybe he can't talk?" Toris suggested, eyeing Alfred with open curiosity.

Alfred nodded.

Brilliant, just brilliant. Matthew could see how this evening was going to go. He would have to pretend to be Alfred and Alfred would have to be him… this had some serious potential to be disastrous.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: This chapter didn't remotely come out how I anticipated—but unfortunately, that's pretty standard with this story. And apparently your well-wishes did something because a lot of good luck (and stress) landed on my head.

Chapter Eleven

Well, it was possible that the dinner could be more awkward, in an aliens-just-landed-on-the-table or Francis just proposed an orgy sort of way. Matthew was seated wedged between the silently sulking Alfred and the slightly nervous Toris. Ivan was across the table between his sister and Natalia.

Matthew, Alfred, and Toris were all staring at Natalia, although Matthew suspected that his reasons were very, very different from the other two guys. It was just way off into sci-fi to see Natalia trying to feed Ivan like he was a toddler. Ivan kept shoving the spoon away like a two-year-old, complete with fussy face, and trying to eat off his plate like a civilized adult. Katerina didn't seem to notice as she cheerfully continued on, talking about her job as a nurse and living in America and how she met Toris.

Matthew had decided, with the few brain cells he could tear away from the sick scene before him, that she was, in fact, amazingly and against all odds, perfectly normal. Even if she did keep tearing up at random intervals. And was ignoring the all shades of weird behavior going on beside her.

"Toris is great. I feel so much better since he started touching me!" she gushed happily and Toris quailed under Ivan's sudden, heavy stare. He fiddled with his napkin, "I'm a massage therapist. Katerina has problems with her back."

Katerina sighed heavily and proceeded to place her two excessively large breasts on the table like a pair of personal watermelons, "They are so heavy! Sometimes I'm afraid I'll trip forward because it's hard to keep my balance."

Alfred's eyes practically popped out of his head. A small sliver of drool escaped the corner of his mouth and Matthew hoped he would have enough sense not to wolf whistle, if he even could. Matthew had decided he truly could not talk for whatever reason. Which did not stop him from making extremely rude faces and wild gestures LIKE he was talking. Even Toris blushed and tried to be discreet about his staring.

"Toris is only touching Katerina's back?" Ivan rumbled and swatted the spoon away without looking. A dark look covered his face.

"Yes sir." Toris replied with only a slight tremor. He stared steadily forward but most of the blood had drained out of his face making him look even more girlish, "I take my job very seriously and would never do anything unprofessional."

Katerina looked between them then put a hand on Ivan's bicep, "Toris is very good to me, brother. He is a good man, so don't worry." And if she wondered why Ivan didn't relax in the slightest, she didn't care because she proceeded to add, "He knows just how to please me and works on my spots until I am finished."

Alfred was silently sniggering and nudging the stock-still and petrified Toris in the ribs. Matthew sincerely hoped that Ivan's grasp of English was as literal as Katerina's seemed to be. Alfred nudged Toris too hard and sent him into Matthew. Matthew scowled and whispered obnoxiously, "Virgin wonder."

Matthew practically oozed satisfaction as Alfred's face turned red and he went back to his burger, not-so-discreetly flipping Matthew off with the other hand. Matthew returned the favor with a peace sign, which he _knew_ was Alfred's favorite way of responding to the bird. Alfred's lip stuck out, complete with chewed up ground beef, and Matthew groaned but still felt like he won.

He was never, ever, _ever_ going to live that one down. It was the perfect blackmail material until the two were old and senile.

"Er, um," Matthew floundered, sensing it was up to him to prevent homicide this evening. Usually Alfred would break up tense situations by cracking an asinine joke and making a fool of himself. Matthew really wasn't good at being laughed at. Hell, he wasn't even good at being the center of attention. When all eyes focused in on him he silently groaned. Why did he think his brother being silent was good again? "So how about that football game last Saturday?"

Alfred would say that, right? Actually, he'd probably say something along the lines of: did you see that killer victory I gave my team? I was totally awesome. TOUCHDOWN! This would be complete with both hands being flipped up in the air upsetting the table and dumping drinks in the girls' laps.

Matthew flushed as they all stared at him, except Alfred, who had his mouth going like a carp on crack, but couldn't say a world.

"When are you returning home, Natalia?" Toris asked, shifting their attention and breaking the mood.

"I have arranged to stay until Ivan has finished his school year. I understand how important it is to him to complete his schooling and will support him. Then he will be an even better husband for me." Natalia purred and latched onto Ivan's arm.

"That's wonderful!" Katerina beamed, "So we can get together often!"

Ivan shuddered and Alfred looked pleased until he saw how interested Toris was and scowled. Matthew just sunk lower in his chair. Month and months of crazy, obsessed knife-woman?

"That is—unexpected." Ivan managed. "Excuse me. I must go to the rest room." To barf out my guts and cry over the toilet. That's what Matthew would be doing anyway. Maybe Ivan would make voodoo dolls and drink 120 proof vodka instead.

An awkward silence flew down for the kill. It had been circling patiently and now it was going to kill the entire evening. Even Toris wouldn't be able to salvage the situation. Alfred, frustrated and mute, chomped viciously into his burger, ignoring the proceedings with an air of indifference. He almost blended into the background—except even his chewing was loud and irritating. And every so often he kicked Toris with a random swing, who yelped in surprise.

Fail. At least Matthew wasn't the only one who failed at being someone else. Alfred was Fail City too. No, Fail Country. Even mute he couldn't pretend to be Matthew.

"I'll go check on him." Matthew whispered, sliding his chair back after ten minutes. It sounded distinctly Sex and the City-ish (and Liz made him and Gil watch it—it was under duress!), like he was going to the powder room to provide some make-up and a shoulder to cry on, but Alfred was still pouting and no one else heard him.

Of course, Ivan wasn't in the restroom. Who wanted to go in a room where men peed on the floor and stopped up the sink with paper towels? Matthew wondered if he had gone home before remembering their conversation on the way to the school.

He slipped out the back, walking straight through the busy kitchen without so much as a stray glance thrown his way, and tapped on the dumpster lid.

"Ivan?"

There was some shuffling inside before the lid creaked up and suspicious purple eyes peered out. The lid rose a little more and Matthew felt like he was in some sort of strange spy movie. He half expected to be shot at and launch into an epic chase scene, just with a sexy Russian guy instead of a sexy Russian girl. Mmm, well, if his life went like the movie, a little adrenaline and adventure would be worth the end, with the Russian writhing beneath—

Wait, was Ivan a top or bottom?

"Matvey?"

"Can I come in?" Because Matthew knew Ivan wasn't coming out. He came to the conclusion that Ivan liked Alfred because Alfred had a similar personality. And going along that line of thought, Alfred would never come out of the closet if he was hiding from ghosts. So Ivan probably wasn't coming out of the dumpster for the same reason. Personally, Matthew thought Ivan's reasons and fears were far more legit. Natalia was way scarier than any ghost or zombie.

The lid opened a little more in invitation. Matthew stuck his head in and wrinkled his nose. Although the dumpster had obviously been emptied earlier in the day, there was a lingering odor that Matthew had a sneaking suspicion would soak into his hair. Great, he'd have to break out the salon-strength shampoo tonight.

He wasn't as tall as Ivan, so when he tried to get in, he ended up scrabbling around. Ivan rose up out of where he was hunched on the bottom and hauled him in. The lid closed over them, trapping them together with the smell. Light from the alley shined in through a crack.

"So?"

Ivan sat in the corner of the dumpster with his knees drawn up to his chest. He grunted unhappily.

"Okay, you're unhappy, I get it. But it's not the end of the world, right? I mean, you can… you can always crash at our place, you know, whenever." Matthew offered, "Use the shower, crash on the couch, get away. Tuesdays are pizza nights and we have poker games every other Friday."

"Matvey is just being nice because we are hiding in a place where trash is disposed of." Ivan grumbled, cracking an eye over his knee. Okay, Ivan did have a point; he wanted to coax Ivan out of the dumpster, but that wasn't his main motive. Matthew scooted closer on his bottom, in the back of his mind realizing he was going to owe Arthur a new pair of pants, and pressed his side lightly to Ivan's legs.

"I mean it." Matthew insisted, placing a hand on Ivan's knee gently. "Al and I are your friends. We want you to be happy."

Now both eyes were peeking over his knees along with his kissable, big nose.

"Besides, Natalia has to give up some time. And you're getting along with your sister. Plus, the more time you spend with her, the closer you'll get."

"Like Matvey and Alfred?"

Er, something like that…

"Who knows, maybe Alfred will win Natalia over and she'll give up on you." Ivan looked a mixture of horrified and mournful at the thought. Matthew took the opportunity to sling his other arm over Ivan's broad shoulders and pulled, pushing past Ivan's legs, so that they were side to side. If Matthew were a chick this would be the perfect time to tilt his head and nestle into the junction, maybe with a nuzzle or a nip or two. Since he wasn't a chick, he settled for a manly pat. Somehow it wasn't the same.

Ivan sighed at the contact and before Matthew knew what was happening, he was pushed over Ivan's lowered leg and tugged flush to Ivan's front. He stifled a gasp, heart beating practically out of his chest, and tried to breathe. Not normally, just breathe. Period.

Ivan's legs slid up around him warmly and big arms looped loosely, possessively around his torso. Ivan sighed again, sounded a little more relaxed and content. Matthew tried to relax into him, sinking into the warm body behind him. Ivan's chin rested lightly on his head.

They stayed like that so long that Matthew started to doze. His nose was numb to the smell and he was very comfortable. Ivan made a great pillow. He was soft and firm in all the right places.

Abruptly Ivan jumped. Startled into wakefulness, Matthew caught the call the second time.

"I think they're looking for us. Your sister must be so worried!" Matthew struggled to stand and almost landed in Ivan's lap. Man, he hated those tingles you got in your legs after they went to sleep. Only because he knew in a couple seconds it was going to feel like someone was trying to acupuncture him with a pincushion.

They were lucky to make their reappearance to Alfred and Toris. Toris merely raised an eyebrow before a look of understanding and embarrassment crossed his features. Alfred, the dumbass, gave Matthew a thumbs up and a huge, lecherous grin. That utter asshole! Just because Matthew wasn't a virgin didn't mean he'd have sex in a dumpster.

"There was a kitten…" Matthew offered lamely. How come it always sounded believable when Alfred said it? "It was stuck, so we had to free it. You know how that is."

Toris nodded dutifully, although he put Alfred between them. Apparently he decided the mute one was the safest of the trio.

Meow!

Wait, what?

Matthew turned startled to Ivan, who was holding up a squirming little kitten by the scruff. The small animal swung widely, meowing and pawing the air.

"It is very cute, da? Much like Matvey is when he squirms." Ivan gave a smile. What the hell? Ivan was now pulling kittens out of thin air. It was kinda cute… huh? Squirm? Matthew did not squirm! Squirm was such a weak word, intended for weasels and cute baby cats.

"Ivan!" Katerina smiled with relief, "Toris, thank you for finding him."

Toris blushed and both Ivan and Natalia, who was following the big busted woman, glared at him.

"We were afraid you had been hurt when you did not return. Or that you were angry! I was so worried."

"No. Matvey and I merely—." At that moment the kitten meowed again, complaining from where Ivan had tucked it in the crook of his arm.

"A kitty!" Katerina cooed and Natalia made a face. She scooped it up from Ivan and rubbed noses. The kitten blinked through unfocused blue eyes and sneezed. "Oh how darling. Where is the mother? She must be so worried."

"It is an orphan." Ivan explained innocently and Matthew hoped that he hadn't just eaten the mother masquerading as fried chicken. "Abandoned. Perhaps you should be its mother?"

Katerina flushed with pleasure the frowned, "I would love to but my apartment does not allow pets."

"I could take care of him and you can visit. I'm sure my brothers wouldn't mind. Raivis has been begging for a pet for awhile." Toris offered with a small smile. Matthew had to feel sorry for the guy. It was obvious he had a huge crush on Katerina. It was equally obvious that she had no idea and thought he was just a friend. What was worse was that Ivan and Natalia weren't as oblivious and Toris better watch his mail box for poisonous snakes.

"Could you? Oh, that would be wonderful! Thank you!" Katerina hugged Toris, squishing the kitten between them. She let go of Toris and went up to Ivan, kissing him chastely on the cheek, "Thank you for the dinner. And for introducing me to your friends. Matvey, Alfred, please look after Ivan."

Matthew was bursting with curiosity but didn't manage to ask until Toris and Katerina had driven off and Alfred had convinced Natalia to let him walk her home.

"Where'd you get the kitten?"

Ivan blinked, "The dumpster."

"No, really."

"The kitten was quite loud when I was leaving, so I found it in the trash container. That is why I was there when you came. It slept in my scarf and it was going to be a present for Matvey. But Katerina looked so lonely, and Katerina was so happy to have the kitten. I am sorry." Ivan looked down, gauging his reaction with worried violet eyes.

"Er, I'm allergic to cats."

Ivan gave an amused snort, "Matvey has red bumps on his neck."

"Yeah, that's what happens when I touch them. I must have gotten cat hair on me from your scarf." Matthew tried to scratch his upper back along the spine. Big fingers scraped along his spine making him jump, "Did it hurt? I was attempting to be gentle."

"No, it felt great." Matthew blushed and squirmed under Ivan's playful smile.

Ivan leaned over and breathed in Matthew's ear, "Matvey likes being touched. Perhaps I can please him as Toris pleases Katerina?"

Oh, God, so sexy. And completely clueless.

Toris was safe for another day. Unless Natalia had understood the inadvertent innuendo.

Matthew scrounged up a smile through the haze of hormones and fantasy those words inspired, "Just scratch. You owe me for making me all itchy."


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Okay guys, I have a favor to ask. I need some help for a future chapter because I need suggestions from people who can't see the list. In any case, I'm going to do the "hat pairings" for a "game" and I need readers to pick TWO numbers from 1-18. The more number combo suggestions I get, the longer the chapter will come out. Plus, you'll get to laugh (and be 100% responsible for) at the resulting cracky "couples."

Chapter Twelve

"So… we are hosting this… fair?" Toris had both eyebrows raised in mild concern. Alfred flashed him a broad grin, "Yeah, isn't it grand?"

Matthew wasn't sure what Alfred's definition of grand was, but he was quite sure that it did not match his. Tons of screaming little mini-humans running rampant everywhere, touching everything, and generally making a mess? Not Matthew's idea of a grand time. The imaginary noise was giving him a headache already.

It wasn't that Matthew didn't like kids, they just made him very uncomfortable. Even Arthur's little brother Peter made Matthew nervous. Or maybe it was _especially_ because it was Arthur's little brother Peter. The little twerp had called the police on Matthew last time he babysat. It was the first time he had babysat too, and having two armed police officers pound on the door and question him left a lasting impressing on Matthew. Namely, children were not to be trusted!

Ivan seemed to be similarly unimpressed. He loomed over Toris, making the younger man sidle towards Alfred, and grunted. Natalia, who was latched on his other side, seemed confused.

"Yes, grand." Arthur repeated, sounding distracted and writing down something on his clipboard. He glanced up, green eyes narrowed, and pointed at Ivan, "You will be in the dunk tank."

Ivan glared and Alfred gave a good natured chuckle and punch to his shoulder, "Awesome! I had that job last year. What a blast!"

"I do not understand. What is a 'dunk tank?'" Ivan softened, clearly thinking if Alfred thought it was awesome, that Arthur had given him a great job. Oh how wrong he was… only Alfred would think being in the dunk tank was fun.

"Do you like swimming? It's like jumping off a diving board and cooling off. It's a great feeling!" Alfred babbled, completely forgetting to mention the fact that landing in the water was completely involuntary. And cold.

Ivan frowned at the mention of water. He started to say something but Arthur, who was coordinating this potential fiasco, snapped, "Oh belt up! Unless you would like to be assigned to the port-a-potties!"

Ivan apparently knew what those were because his mouth snapped shut.

Matthew stared at the group around him. Arthur had pulled Kiku over and was assigning him some sort of role with the cake walk. Cakes and fudge being donated by Ludwig's bakery of course. Kiku nodded, focused on what he was supposed to do. Ivan, Katerina, and Natalia were standing to the side, looking highly confused, but Katerina was undoubtedly delighted by the fact that she was with her brother and friend. Toris was conferring with his friend, a blond guy wearing a skirt named Feliks. Feliks was scowling and Matthew was quite sure the flipping his skirt was intentional. Not remotely his type, but Feliks did have some nice legs. Matthew honestly didn't know what to make of this rag-tag group.

"C'mon Toris, let's go put up the decorations!" Alfred shouted exuberantly. He helped Arthur with the local kiddy carnival every year and at least had some clue what he was doing. And for some reason, after brief period of I-hate-you-because-you're-my-rival-in-love bullshit, Alfred decided that Toris was his third best friend. Toris yelped and Feliks followed, giving unhelpful opinions about everything.

"What about us? The awesome me is ready to be totally awesome for those little brats." Gilbert shouted, coming up with Francis and Toni in tow. Francis gave a little laugh, "That is quite illegal. Perhaps you may want to rephrase that sentence, Gil. In a way that does not include public exposure."

"You would know all about that, you bloody frog." Arthur grumbled, not even glancing up at the three, "Gilbert, you are to run the duck pool. Francis, you are in charge of concessions."

Toni gave an easy grin, bright against his tan skinned, "And me?"

Arthur looked up and glared from under his huge eyebrows, "The parents would have my head if I let you near their precious offspring. You are to keep the grounds clean and the trashcans emptied."

Gilbert cackled and slapped Toni on the back, "That's what your people are good at."

Toni frowned, "But I am not Mexican. I am from Spain. Surely, Arthur, you will reconsider?"

"Do _you_ want to man the port-a-potties?" Arthur snapped, losing what little patience he had. He marched up to Toni and said stiffly, "Perhaps I can find something appropriate for your _skills_. Here, you may be the target for throw the tomato game."

"I do not think I would like that game; it is a waste of perfectly good tomatoes! And Arthur, you are letting Francis and Gilbert near the children! Why, I love children. They are so tender and innocent… I remember when Lovi was that small and cute…" Toni's eyes started unfocusing and a dreamy grin covered his face. Matthew was mildly alarmed. Arthur just growled and shoved a trash bag at him.

One by one Arthur sent them off to their assignments. Matthew had to admit he was impressed. He always knew that Arthur was good at organizing and bossing people around, but it was fun to see in action.

"Oh, Matthew, lad, I almost forgot."

Matthew stifled the urge to roll his eyes. Well, at least Arthur never found out about the pants. When he had confronted Alfred about it, Alfred promptly blamed Matthew. To which Arthur scowled and told him blaming it on his imaginary double was not going to work this time. He was still going to have to pay for the pants. Alfred whined and wheedled and paid for the pants. Matthew paid him back of course, but at least _he_ didn't have to face Arthur's wrath and that was almost worth being forgotten. Arthur had a nasty temper.

"You and Natalia will be in charge of sword fighting arena." Arthur said, scribbling something on his clipboard, "Yes, I believe that you two will be sufficiently mature to handle such a daunting task. Usually it is Ludwig who mans that section; however, he cannot help us this year."

"The… sword fighting… arena?" Matthew gulped. That sounded like a lawsuit in the making right there. And that would be all he needed, being sued for some kid that cracked his head open. And… oh shit, with Natalia? What had he ever done to Arthur to make Alfred's friend hate him so much. Maybe he did know about the pants and was extracting his revenge…

"Foam swords. They are perfectly safe and it is quite the popular attraction." Arthur replied briskly, already turning to oversee some other task. "You are the most sensible candidate Matthew. You would hardly expect me to assign Gilbert or Alfred to such a task, would you?"

Matthew had to admit Arthur had a point. That would be like adding a helicopter full of gasoline to a forest fire. Not to mention Alfred took kendo once upon a time and would probably knock the kids flying on accident. Matthew could speak from experience that even pillows were a deadly weapon in Alfred's hands (and that cleaning up mountains of feathers SUCKED, hence the switch to cotton pillows).

Before Matthew could say another word, Arthur called over his shoulder, "Port-a-potties."

Matthew shifted nervously and looked at his partner. She was gazing in the direction that Ivan had gone and ignoring him completely. She never seemed to notice the difference between him and Alfred, other than he didn't try to kiss her or hold her hand or even breathe the same air that she did. But he knew she knew he was there in the way a mouse knew there was a cat waiting outside its hole.

"So, I guess we should go set up."

Natalia swept a cool glance over him, "I am merely doing this because Ivan is engaged in this foolery. However, do not expect me to speak to you more than necessary."

Well, cold was an improvement over I'm going to stab you for taking my picture. She swished away in the direction Arthur had pointed them, her knee-length black skirt swirling with each step. Her navy and white blouse clung in all the right places and Matthew had to concede she was quite pretty, in an evil, possessive witch type way.

Matthew staggered under the weight of the fake walls. Natalia ignored him in favor of giving the foam weapons (there were more than just swords, much to Matthew's dismay, especially when he saw the knives and axes) inspection. She flicked a fake dagger over in her hand and made a small tsk of disapproval.

"These are of poor quality. The balance is off."

Uh, duh, they were children's toys. But that didn't stop him from yelping and dropping the wall on his foot when the dagger went whizzing by his head and smacked point first into the wall behind him. It fell to the ground with a mute thump and Natalia frowned.

So Natalia and Alfred did have one thing in common—they were massively destructive with objects that were supposed to be fun and harmless.

Matthew was really regretting being roped into this stupid carnival thing. It'll be fun, Alfred said. It looks great on your resume, Alfred said. They'll have fudge, Alfred said. Ivan's doing it, Alfred leered. Fucktard. Well, Matthew now felt like a total tool. No fun, no fudge, and no Ivan—at least not that he could see anyway. Mmm, wet Ivan… too bad he wasn't wearing a white shirt. Matthew hoped someone convinced him to take off his scarf or things could get ugly.

The area was set up just in time to let the flood of monsters in. Arthur wasn't kidding (not like he kidded anyway—really, how was he Alfred's best friend?) when he said it was a popular area. But much to Matthew's complete surprise (surprise? He was utterly flabbergasted!), Natalia transformed from a knife-wielding ice queen to a knife-wielding ice queen who loved kids. Not that he would ever say that to her face, but it was obvious she LOVED kids. And that smiling so much was hurting her face.

But when she kissed the child's knee "all better" Matthew was officially creeped out. Especially when the kid jumped up and gave her a hug earning yet another soft smile from the White Witch.

And she was teaching the children how to use weapons effectively… shit. This could not end well. He could just see him being chased out of town by a horde of children-minions armed with plastic knives and sporks. Why wasn't Alfred here instead? Alfred loved children…

Matthew almost moaned into his hands. Alfred and Natalia both loved children, and Matthew knew Alfred aspired to have at least six boys and four girls. The two of them would be the next Dugger family!

"Do you require a break?" Natalia asked, frowning at him. They had been working together for over two hours with no blood or screaming or broken fingers. Matthew didn't think it was possible. Now there was a lull as all the kids were at the school talent show.

"Uh, sure. I'll grab us some lunch from Francis. What do you want?" Matthew tried not to let the fear quiver in his voice as she stared at him with a foam axe in hand.

"American food is unpleasant. But, I am hungry, so whatever you decide will suffice." Natalia replied making a face, "Provided it is not a hamburger."

"Alfred took you to McDonald's for dinner?" Matthew sighed at his brother's lack of romance.

"Yes. He has appalling taste, and I informed him of such." Natalia's face twisted up in a long-suffering look, "He promised next time to do better. I do not remember agreeing to a next time."

Matthew smothered a chuckle and tried to sympathize, "He does that to me too. So when are you guys going out?"

"Next Monday evening. Your brother is excessively persistent."

"You mean annoying, and tell me something I don't know."

Natalia gave him a small smile and Matthew decided to leave on a good note. Apparently there was more to Natalia than he original thought—the liking kids thing was a shocker.

Before he went to concessions, Matthew decided to check up on Ivan. There hadn't been any huge disturbances recently, so he assumed everyone was still alive. Rounding the corner he was very surprised to see Gilbert with balls in hand. Gilbert was winding up for a throw, much to the evident amusement of Ivan. A lone ball was rolling slowly on the ground, having missed the target.

Swoosh. Miss. Swoosh. Miss. Swoosh. Miss.

Ivan looked surprisingly dry, although someone, probably Alfred, had convinced him to take off his scarf. A mocking smile curved over his lips and he mock twiddled his thumbs, making Gilbert seethe even more.

"This is a children's game, da? Then it should be quite easy!" Ivan called out, unperturbed that he might take a dunk in the icy water if Gilbert hit the target with his next ball.

The next ball flew straight and hit the wooden target with a thump. The ball shuddered and fell to the ground defeated.

"This is so not awesome! You rigged the fucking game!" Gilbert's face was turning the color of his eyes and his fists were balled up in anger.

"You have a job to do, da? You should go back to your ducks and number where skills are not required to win a prize." Ivan advised placidly, still twiddling his thumbs. Matthew was sure if Ivan were the type to wear big, shit-eating grins, he'd have the queen of all shit-eating grins plastered across his face.

Gilbert stalked forward toward the exit. At the last moment he swerved and punched the target with his fist. The spring made an audible pop and Ivan took an unexpected plunge as the platform jerked out from under him. Gilbert cackled and watched as he flailed around in the chilly water.

"How's that for mad skills? The awesome me wins again!" Gilbert crowed.

"Just what in bloody blazes is going on here?" Arthur roared behind Matthew, making both Matthew and Gilbert jump in surprise. Arthur stormed up to Gilbert, his eyebrows bunched together in displeasure, "You. Why aren't you at your post, you pounce? No, I don't even care, just get back there immediately. The children will be out of the talent show soon enough."

Arthur's gaze swung towards Matthew, "And you, lad, what are you doing here?"

"I-I-"

"Speak up!"

"I- was going to get lunch for Natalia and me when I heard the noise." Matthew managed to stutter. He had almost said he was checking up on Ivan, but that sounded so girly and gay Arthur would probably sardonically raise a brow and inquire when were they getting married?

Arthur nodded absentmindedly, forgetting Matthew the moment he had an explanation, and turned to Ivan. Who was glaring murderously from under sopping bangs and clung to the side of the tank with a white-knuckle grip.

"Why did you not inform me you could not swim?"

"You threatened me with human waste. I assumed, falsely so, that being forced into cold water where I could touch the bottom was an improvement." Ivan growled, dragging himself up the ladder, "Which it was until a few moments ago."

Arthur shrugged, clearly unrepentant, and inspected the target. He tsked and shook his head. "Bloody broken. I will ask Berwald to fix it after the talent show. Ivan, get out and get dry. I believe you have helped enough for one day. I will replace you with Peter tomorrow; his obnoxiousness should bring in customers."

If it was Peter… Matthew would buy some balls. He wasn't as good at baseball as golden boy Alfred, but he was fairly decent at throwing the ball. And watching the kid plummet into icy cold water (which he was sure he could make a little colder with the hose beforehand) would be perfect payback. Matthew smothered a grin and gave no indication to Arthur of his plotting. Let it be known that Matthew usually forgave but never forgot and Peter's actions had neither been forgiven or forgotten.

"Matthew, do you think that Natalia can handle your area on her own?" Arthur asked, already looking at his clipboard again. "I would like you to escort Ivan to get changed then turn him over to Alfred. I'm sure that git will be pleased to have some help with his haunted house."

"Natalia was running it better than I was." Matthew replied. He couldn't believe his luck. Arthur was practically handing him a sopping wet Ivan and asking him to make sure Ivan got changed! And he wouldn't have to stand the awkwardness that was Natalia for at least another half hour. He tried not to squeal with glee. "I'd be happy to help Ivan."

"Very good." Arthur called over his shoulder as he strode in the direction of the duck pond, probably to make sure Gilbert wasn't sulking and playing hooky.

A wet, cold bundle of fabric splatted on Matthew's head and he did squeal. Swatting frantically for a second, he barely caught the shirt as it flew off his head towards the dirty ground. He eyed Ivan's shirt a moment, swallowing his outraged protests, and tried not to turn around, "Ivan!"

"Yes, Matvey?" Innocence oozed out of his tone like honey.

"Why'd you take off your shirt?" Matthew blindly thrust it out, still afraid to turn around. He felt Ivan take it and hear some shuffling.

"It was wet."

Matthew sighed. Of course it was wet. But he didn't need to take it off in public with beads of crystal clear water sliding down the planes of his chest and abs down into the waistband of his swim trunks.

"Let's get you dried off and into new clothes, alright?" Matthew said and turned around, assuming Ivan had put the wet tee shirt back on. He hadn't. And those crystal droplets? They were sensually tracing wet, slick trails down the smooth, pale skin of Ivan's front. Matthew watched with fascination as one drop rolled over his broad shoulder and slid over a dusky nipple before dipping down over the ribcage and falling into Ivan's bellybutton. He was an innie. And suddenly Matthew was considering all the fun things he could do with an innie bellybutton and his tongue. He would make sure that Ivan was all dried off with a few teasing laps and a swirl or two before moving outward tracing those naughty trails of moisture.

A cold drop of water slid down the back of his shirt and he yelped, snapping out of his daydream.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Thank you everyone that gave me numbers! The chapter came out very... interesting (and hopefully funny). And, sadly enough, this story is drawing to a close (on my end, your end still has several fun chapters to go!). On the upside, here's an extra long chapter for you guys and a little AlxNat on the side.

Blobers: Thank you for the lovely review. You choose TinoxMatthew (FinlandxCanada).

Chapter Thirteen

Getting Ivan cleaned up wasn't as easy as it sounded. With some half-hearted protesting, he managed to get Ivan to put the wet shirt back on (much to his dismay because he had hoped Ivan would protest). It wasn't like they carried around spare clothing for people his size. By the time he herded the wet and delectable Ivan (in front of him of course, so he could enjoy the firm back and tasty ass through the clingy fabric) to the haunted house, he realized he had forgotten Natalia's lunch.

"Hmm, hang on one sec," Alfred grinned showing off his cheesy fake vampire fangs. Matthew was quite sure the "blood" on his fake tux was ketchup from his lunch. He disappeared then re-emerged with something that looked like it was poached from a decayed polar bear, "You can be a yeti!"

Ivan frowned and looked at Matthew, "May I stay with Matvey?"

"Er, I'm with Natalia… but the carnival's over in two hours anyway. So we could hang out then." Matthew wanted to plead yes yes, come with me, but then that would be leading the yeti to slaughter. Ivan was peering at the suit with misgivings, but at the mention of Natalia he automatically reached for it.

Matthew snagged Alfred's cloak and gave a tug to whisper in his brother's ear, "I want pictures."

Alfred blinked blankly before a slow smile crossed his face, "What's it worth to you?"

"Trade?"

Alfred considered it and nodded.

Great, now Matthew was going to have to figure out how to get Natalia's picture on the sly. He remembered his naked flight through the ice skating rink and blushed in mortification. That was in a rink full of raunchy college students. He really didn't want to take a similar tact while in the presence of overprotective momma bear parents who might pepper spray him.

He went to see Francis and secured some cheese pizza, apple slices, and Sprite. He figured that since it wasn't a burger and coke, Natalia might actually eat it. She accepted it with a curt thank you and a nod, not commenting on his wet hair or how late he was. He suspected Arthur had proceeded him.

The rest of the day actually finished without a hitch. He got several pictures of Natalia that simultaneously made him want to puke from sugar overload and pass out from the sheer nervousness of being caught. Well, that was the case for the first few pictures, until he realized he could bribe random children to do his dirty work for him.

He spent the last twenty minutes trying to remove the sticky finger prints and random pictures of boogers from his phone.

He decided his original opinion of children was still standing.

Natalia actually helped him clean up instead of just watching. She moved silently and efficiently, showing none of her normal creepy, stalkerish tendencies. Matthew could almost appreciate that she was a real human being and not a vengeful spirit of possession.

"You shall not have him."

Matthew dropped his end of the table on his toe. He swore in his head, being raised not to swear in front of a lady, even if the lady was of dubious quality, and slid the table off with a small gasp.

"Pardon." Matthew winced as Natalia leveled him with an ice glare, "Ivan is mine." She might as well have added the 'bitch' at the end. Then it'd be like a high school romantic bullying. But like Ivan, she was too subtle to use plebian cuss words. Or she didn't know them. But Matthew was pretty sure it was a snob thing because the handful of words he knew in other languages were ALL cusswords. Or, like, saying hi, how are you?

Matthew checked to see that all the foam weapons were locked up for the evening. Check. Foam axe? Check. Swords? Check. Knives… knives…? Check. Whew. Not that silly little things like being weaponless or a girl would save him if she went psycho. She could probably use the table as a lethal weapon to break his spine.

"Do not pretend to be stupid. Your brother is a much better actor." Natalia hissed, "And I see how you look at him!"

"My brother?"

Natalia pushed the table into Matthew's gut with a sharp twist of her hip. He oofed and almost dropped it on his toe again. Okay, that was a stupid thing to say. Now might be a good time to bow out and disappear.

"You understand nothing."

Matthew was sure he had already stuck his foot in his mouth, but apparently there was more room in there for his other foot too, "I'm not any competition. Why don't you threaten Al? That's who Ivan really likes!"

Both of their eyes widened.

"…Alfred? But he is male." Natalia whispered, looking unsure but not really confused. Ah, so she had an idea about Ivan's preferences before this little conversation. Matthew felt like less of a heel for spilling Ivan's secret.

"So am I, but you're threatening me." Matthew snipped back. He was really tired of living in terror of this woman. He knew it was uncharacteristic but his mouth was on instant talkback mode for some reason. It must be because his sanity ran away like a coward leaving him with only stupidity and a smart mouth. "Anyone can see Ivan's terrified of you. And you make it worse by chasing him!"

Her ice eyes flashed and she repeated, "You know nothing! Ivan loves me!"

"He probably does, but that doesn't mean you need to own him like a pet!" Matthew flashed back feeling a familiar hockey rage bubbling up in his chest. Ivan was his own man. He wasn't her pet or toy to own and break. "Do you really want to marry someone who will be afraid to sleep in the same bed with you? You're a scary witch Natalia, and I don't know what my brother sees in you, but there's got to be some good in there because Ivan and Alfred seem to be fond of you! Ivan is not going to love you the way you want if you keep chasing him!"

She gently set down her side of the table and drew herself up straight. She stared at him for a moment, tears glittering in the corner of her eyes, before she bolted. And this is why Matthew was better off gay. He had no skills with women. Nor did he particularly want any, but he felt horrible for being such a jerk.

He flicked open his newly-sanitized phone and sent a quick text to his brother. Alfred was suicidal enough to deal with that can of worms. He might actually even thank Matthew for it later, if he remembered. And if he avoided the hospital. Matthew wondered if he should pre-emptively call 911. He decided to send another quick text to Arthur.

Arthur had been expressly disapproving of Alfred's infatuation and would delight in a chance to be a cockblock.

Putting away the rest of the stuff, he wondered where the rest of the staff was. All the booths seemed to be locked up and shut down. Walking down the deserted carnival, he had to shiver a little. It was already getting dark and shadows were being cast in funky shapes. Since it was autumn, a chilly little wind had sprung up and rattled eerily through the booths and portables.

Matthew took several more steps before he realized that the wind didn't have footsteps. And there were definitely footsteps behind him. They were heavy and somewhat ponderous. He walked faster, hoping to blend into the shadows. If it were a stranger following him, he could easily lose them with his powers of being overlooked and forgotten. No luck. The footsteps picked up the pace too.

Suddenly a big hand grabbed him from behind making him scream. Matthew slowly turned around, about ready to faint anyway, and screamed again. Berwald's intense blue eyes were just inches away and his glare had sent biker gangs fleeing before. He didn't know how Tino dealt with this every single day. The Finn was a brave, brave soul with more balls than the rest of them, Matthew decided. Maybe that's why he was such an alcoholic fish.

"Th' c'ke w'lk." Berwald mumbled something the sounded like he was talking around a potato wedged in the back of his throat. Matthew nodded, his poor heart ready to go on strike. Today had been way, way too stressful for it. Between Natalia, Berwald, and a very sopping, fetching, near-naked Ivan, he was lucky he hadn't shot blood out of some orifice.

Berwald led the way towards the one lit stall left. Matthew was surprised to see Ivan, Søren, and Gilbert hunched over tiny, colorful plastic chairs along with a few other volunteers. Francis was calling out to Gilbert and Toni was sulking beside him. Kiku was next to the music player, manning it with the air of a tired grandfather humoring his spoilt grandchildren.

The music started and the players started moving. When the music stopped everyone dove for a chair. Unfortunately for one other volunteers, he and Gilbert moved for the same chair. The guy never knew what hit him while Gilbert sprawled over the orange plastic like a king. Ivan sat in a tiny blue chair smiling serenely and Søren looked ready to maul over his yellow chair. Francis deftly removed a chair from the circle and Kiku flipped on the music. Rinse and repeat. Matthew actually heard the next guy smack into the wall.

Soon it was down to the three powerhouses. Everyone else had left, either by fear or by violence.

"Ready to be my bitch, boys?" Søren whooped and Kiku said quietly, "Are you supposed to be here?"

"Pfft, fucking stick-up-the-ass Arthur didn't invite me, if that's what you mean. Something about scaring the kids. Whatever, I'm here for the free cake. Ol' Luddy won't let me in his shop anymore, since I pinched Feli's butt. I was totally smashed otherwise Feli would so not be my type. But I was banned. So I want some free cake, dammit!"

Matthew wasn't sure Søren wasn't drunk right now.

"So not awesome." Gilbert said, "At least the kids don't have to deal with your unawesomeness. It'd scar the little brats' minds!"

Kiku started the music, taking a prudent step backwards, and Matthew stood next to Francis to watch the carnage unfold. Francis and Toni were quietly placing bets on the outcome with a few other people and didn't notice him standing there.

He thought it was kind of odd that Ivan and Gilbert were in a cake walk. Gilbert had free access to all the cake he could ever want, if only to bribe and shut him up. Ivan had already said he didn't care for sweets. Maybe he decided to win a cake for Alfred. Everyone knew that every tooth in Alfred's head was a sweet tooth.

The music stopped.

Søren dove for the dinky plastic orange chair. With a wide grin, he plopped down and proceeded to land on his ass on the floor. Gilbert grinned viciously, chair in hand, and sat down daintily. Ivan was perched on the blue chair like a large bear balancing on a tiny ball waiting for the next trick. His feet were tucked beneath him benignly but Matthew had seen him hook them behind Søren's ankles while Gilbert swiped the chair.

"You guys are assholes, you know that?" Søren groused. He sprawled in the middle of the circle and yawned. Apparently he didn't care if he was trampled. "Total buttmunchers."

Ivan peered at Gilbert from under his bangs, "Perhaps you should apologize for your rude behavior earlier?"

"Ha, the Awesome Me does NOT apologize. Especially not when you so deserved it, you cheating show off. You are not awesome enough to get Mattie's attention." Gilbert retorted, looking angry.

Wait… Mattie's attention? Matthew wanted to bang his head into the wall. They were having another pissing contest… over _him_? Gilbert hadn't been his boyfriend in forever and Ivan was just a friend. Couldn't they find something more important to fight about? Or at least something that didn't have ears and was highly offended to be claimed like a prize for winning some stupid game!

The music started and went on and on and on. The two patiently circled, making a few feints when Kiku looked like he might push the button. Kiku gave a sigh and both of them lunged for the chair as the music clicked off.

It was less a game of musical chairs and more a wrestling match complete with underhanded pinches and jabs. Gilbert managed to scramble to his knees and threw himself at the chair. Ivan snagged him by the back of the pants and pulled. Cute yellow chick boxers that Matthew vividly remembered greeted the world and blood rushed to his face and other placed as he remembered why he saw those boxers in the first place.

Even pantsed, Gilbert threw himself towards the chair. What he didn't count on was Søren, who was still sprawled in the middle of the floor. With a neatly executed roll, he hit Gilbert at the shins with his honed hockey body. Gilbert didn't stand a chance. He tumbled to the floor, flailing and cursing while Ivan made his move.

Søren jerked his other hand out and snagged the metal leg. He gave a hard yank as Ivan went to sit down, sending the big Russian falling to the floor beside his two sworn enemies. He hit the ground with an angry growl and a thump.

Matthew suddenly had an idea. He walked past the crowd of rubberneckers and slid a chair up silently. He sat on it in the middle of the chaos, waiting for someone to notice. His plan was shot if no one noticed him, but with Kiku and Francis, there was a decent chance someone would.

The scuffling on the floor lasted a few more minutes before Ivan kicked Gilbert off his leg and sat in the poor chair. It shrieked in pain at his bulk being thrown at it but held steady.

Ivan didn't say anything, just smiled down at Søren and Gilbert.

"Ah, Matthew-san… when… forgive me, I did not see you were playing!" Kiku stuttered looking embarrassed. Slowly everyone else looked too and a murmur went through the crowd about the sudden challenger. Most of the people sounded dubious that he would last three seconds on the last round.

"That's okay Kiku."

Ivan gave him an odd look and a little wave. Gilbert glared at Ivan before shooting Matthew a wide grin and an encouraging 'kick his ass for me!' Søren laughed and cleared the floor taking Gilbert with him.

They stood up and Kiku removed the chair Ivan had been sitting on. Probably because at this point it was a safety hazard. Plastic kiddie chairs weren't intended for grown adults to be throwing themselves on them. Probably because no one even thought grown adults would be doing something this stupid.

The music played at Matthew warily eyed Ivan. If it came to a wrestling match there was no way he'd win. But he was small and quick, so if he could get to the chair without any interference, he'd win. Simple. Right, simple. And that's why Ivan was staring at him like he was yeti-bait.

Why wasn't Alfred here? He'd be stupid enough to take Ivan head-on. Oh, right, because he was stupid enough to take Natalia head-on.

The music cut off and Matthew lunged forward as fast as he could. His only prayer was hitting the chair before Ivan could. He almost whooped when he felt the rough plastic beneath him and a half second later he was firmly in the chair. A second later he was in the chair with a lap-full of Ivan.

And all he could do was give a strangled cry.

"Where is Matvey?"

Matthew tried to narrow his eyes in response and tell the jerkwad exactly where he was and that he was going to shove a foot up his ass if he didn't move, but it just came out as another squeak.

Ivan wiggled a little, pretending to look around, and Matthew's protests turned into soft gasps. That… that was so not _fair_! How did Ivan do this to him? A few more wiggles and he'd have something else up Ivan's ass other than his foot.

"Ivan-san, get off Matthew-san." Kiku said meaningfully.

"I am in the chair. This is the point of this silly game, _da_?" Ivan rumbled and Matthew shivered at the vibrations rolling through him.

"I'm already in the chair!" Matthew managed in outrage. He gave Ivan a half-hearted punch to the back between the shoulder blades. Ivan merely gave a light laugh in response as if it tickled him.

Ivan slowly got to his feet and looked down playfully. Matthew, who had just thought all kinds of mood-killing thoughts, was immediately battling his very obvious infatuation with Ivan's touch and smile. The infatuation was winning much to his embarrassment. And all it would take was Francis noticing his bottom half and he'd never live it down.

"Your prize, Matthew-san." Kiku held the package out with a small smile and Matthew took it as a distraction. He opened it and was really surprised to see that it was his maple fudge. He looked towards Gilbert, who was already laughing and walking off with Francis and Toni. Gilbert caught his eye and gave a wink. Matthew flushed, realizing why exactly Mr. Awesome had been a deathmatch cake walk with Ivan.

"This is Matvey's favorite, _da_?" Ivan asked coming up behind him.

"Yeah, it is."

Matthew then realized why Ivan had been in the cakewalk. He flushed and ducked down feeling like he kind of ruined the winner's joy at giving him the prize. But that was a pretty small part compared to the feeling that he kicked their ass and took it for himself. He wasn't a damsel in distress dammit.

"Gil, wait."

Gilbert turned around with a suggestive smile on his face and his ruby eyes twinkling with amusement. That was the great thing about Gilbert; he was always ready for some fun.

Matthew reached him and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek.

Gilbert regarded him with an arched eyebrow, "I think you missed the Awesome Me's lips. That's okay, we all know you can't be as Awesome, so you should try again."

Matthew just laughed softly in return, "That never worked before, why do you think it'll work now?"

"Worth a shot."

"Thanks."

Gilbert looked at him quietly for a second, "No problem. I know you're a fudge addict. I was just going to get you your fix after working all day with the crazy woman!"

Matthew paled a little at the thought. He had forgotten about Natalia. He hoped Al could find her and calm her down. He wasn't up for a nighttime visitor with knives. He liked to keep all his body parts in good working order.

He felt Ivan standing behind him, although the Russian didn't say anything. He turned around. Reaching Ivan's cheek was a little trickier than Gilbert's. Ivan was much taller and much more skittish about being touched. Plus Matthew wasn't sure if he could manage to 'miss' Ivan's lips like he did Gilbert's. But fair was fair.

Ivan peered down at him with a curious smile on his lips and a touch of coolness to his eyes. Matthew wasn't sure if it was because he lost- Ivan was a sore loser anyone with half a braincell could see that- or if it was because he gave Gilbert a kiss.

He grabbed the nearest chair without overthinking it and clambering up. He was aiming for Ivan's cheek and just as his lips were about to meet cool, smooth skin the chair gave out from under him. Oh fuck it, he grabbed the broken safety hazard chair. Way to be smooth.

His lips dragged across Ivan's cheekbone and landed on the tip of his nose. Then they brushed harder over his surprised, semi-open lips before gravity decided Matthew had had enough fun for one day. He braced to hit the thinly covered cement floor hoping he didn't break anything. He had hockey practice on Monday after all.

He jerked to a stop just a few inches from the floor, which was good because he was lined up for a very unfortunately encounter with the chair leg and his crotch, the chair's final revenge, if he had fallen any further.

Ivan kicked the chair aside and let go of the back of his hoodie. He landed with a much softer thump than he anticipated, his lips tingling and his heart beating wildly.

WOW.

Oh, wow, just wow.

Ivan looked down at him, a blush over his cheekbones and big nose. His eyes were wide and he looked as startled as Matthew felt.

"Thanks, eh? For the fudge…"

Ivan just stared a little longer before giving him a hand up. The Russian jerked his hand back as soon as Matthew was steady and looked towards the door.

"Alfred is taking quite the long time going to the restroom… perhaps I should go look?" Ivan mumbled. Matthew felt hurt. Maybe Ivan didn't feel the same jolt. Maybe he found it disgusting and embarrassing that Matthew kissed him on the lips.

"Er, okay… but I think he went home already." Matthew lied offhandedly. He hardly noticed the stares from the other people in the room as he went towards the door, "I'm tired. I think I'll go home too. See you tomorrow Ivan."

"Good night, Matvey."

"Night."

Alfred had a pretty good idea where Natalia would be hiding. When he got Mattie's text, he was half annoyed that Mattie would hurt her feelings and half glad that he had this chance. He had been trying really hard but Natalia just wasn't falling for his charms. He was slowly going through all his tricks and nothing was working.

He was going to have Francis help him find a restaurant she would like even if he had to open his wallet a little bit. It wasn't like it was his money anyway; his parents were crazy giving when he asked although sometimes they groused about his "pork spending," whatever that meant.

He knew Mattie thought he was crazy and he didn't miss the looks Ivan shot him. He and Toris had a few talks about it and of course the trio gave their advice. Even Arthur had given him the 'concerned older brother talk,' which for some reason covered condoms, but mostly say don't date the girl and certainly don't get in a position where you NEED the condoms.

He felt a little lost.

If he didn't get a girl, he moved on; it had never been a big deal. Actually, he couldn't think of a time where he hadn't gotten the girl. He was Francis' biggest rival in that department (just not the sex one because sleep and run wasn't his style; totally not heroic). But suddenly he didn't want to just leave Natalia alone. She made him feel warm and silly and tingly all over. When he admitted it, somewhat shamefaced, to Arthur and Kiku he expected to be laughed at and told he was a stupid git. Instead Arthur had given him this queer, totally gay smile that creeped him out. A lot. Then he explained at Alfred had a crush and most people had crushes in middle school. But it was to be expected that Alfred was a slow developer. Kiku just looked like a deer in the path of an oncoming train.

Still, Arthur's egghead tendencies to read stupid shit came in handy. Alfred was amazed to learn Arthur was a closet romantic and that Kiku had been feeding him a steady stream of perverted cartoon stuff.

And Alfred was quite sure that Arthur would like to try out some of those things in those comics on Kiku. Ha, now who was emotionally stunted?

So anyway, he had this "crush." And it was damn inconvenient. Everyone else was having a blast at the cake walk, unwinding after the day, and he was shuffling around in the chilly evening looking for Natalia. Damn Mattie, and they said he trampled over peoples' feelings!

He wandered for another few minutes, considering giving up, when he accidentally ran across her. Or rather, over her. She was on some steps, watching the sun sliding down. Her pale blue eyes were gazing emptily and she was frowning at nothing. Something tugged in Alfred's chest at the sight and he scowled lightly at the stupid feeling.

Purposely stomping up, he plopped down next to her and gave a huge, satisfied sigh. She continued to ignore him and he took a breath to settle the butterflies. Glancing at her out of the corner of his eye, he offered, "Man, I'm beat. But it was such a cool day though. The kids had such a blast, and I love watching them have so much fun."

She gave him a glance and he offered a toned down smile. He was learning to tone down his natural exuberance a bit. Not too much, that would make him fidget until he shook like a martini in the making, but just enough to keep her from snapping at him.

Arthur had commented that at least someone was getting through his thick head about proper manners.

"Are you coming tomorrow? Cuz I don't know if Artie said anything, but we really appreciate your help. It's awfully nice of you to help Mattie out with the kids. He's scared of them, you know? You should've seen him as a teenager, haha. This little kid went to hug him and he almost peed his pants. Then he ran away and the little kid thought it was a game and chased him! It was hilarious."

"He did seem unhappy."

"Nah, not unhappy. It'd be all good if he treated them like he does Ludwig's dogs. Kids respond well to things like happy voices and stupid gestures." Alfred grinned at his brother's lack of child experience. Matthew swore kids hated him, but Alfred could see he really was afraid of them. There wasn't anything to be scared of. Kids were fun and sweet.

"I enjoyed working with the children." Natalia admitted softly, "One little one fell but he was not too injured. He did well with the knives."

Alfred beamed, just happy to hear her talking to him normally. He remembered the little boy dutifully explaining the nice woman who helped him. Alfred felt himself falling just a bit more. It didn't surprise him at all that Natalia was so sweet with little kids. This was beyond stupid of him, a small voice grumbled in the back of his mind, Since when was he a masochist?

"I would enjoy coming back tomorrow." Natalia said with a soft smile. Alfred wanted to whoop and pull her to her feet to twirl her around, but he settled for a happy laugh and a quick squeeze of her hand. She gave him a startled look, staring at his hand like it was a snake, and he flushed brightly. He hadn't quite meant to do that. He shot his hand a dirty look but it didn't move.

He studied his big, blocky hand resting lightly over her small, slender ones. If she was going to get mad at him for his initial contact, then he might as well hang on until she made him let go.

She looked at their hands for a little longer before lifting her chin with a haughty huff that would have done Arthur proud. The warm, bubbly feeling was threatening to choke him.

"It's getting kinda cold, huh? Why don't we go find everyone? I'm sure Mattie and Ivan are inside." Alfred offered even though he didn't want to see her face as she watched Ivan and ignored him. Despite what everyone thought, Alfred could be patient. And he could pay attention. And he could see that Natalia had some serious issues, which didn't mean it didn't hurt when she fawned over Ivan in front of him, but he forgave her because that's what heroes did. And he could also see her good points, like being nice to little kids and the dedication she had to her figure skating (boy had he been surprised when he followed her to the ice rink that first day but it had quickly become his favorite day of the week; he told Matthew he had extra football practice so he wouldn't get laughed at).

He didn't mind Natalia's cold behavior too much because he thought everyone deserved a chance.

He didn't know why Natalia was so desperate for Ivan's affection, and he'd be stupid to say it didn't hurt seeing her attempts to get another guy, even if it was Ivan, who wasn't interested anyway. And it hurt to see her hurt when Ivan ran away. Alfred felt torn. He wanted to help Mattie and he wanted to help Ivan and he wanted to help Natalia.

But he was realizing he couldn't be everyone's hero at the same time. He just wasn't smart enough to figure out how to make it work. And he hated himself for it.

"No." Natalia said with a shiver, "I think I should go home. My host family will be worried."

Alfred wondered how her English was so good. Ivan's English was really good, but he still tended to speak in baby sentences, unless he was being a tricky bastard about it. Maybe he was pretending to suck at English on purpose to make it easier to mock Alfred; Alfred wouldn't put it past him and found it amusing. And Katerina's English was a bit broken and simple. But Natalia's had a crisp, conciseness that reminded him of Arthur; like she could use her words as a weapon. He wondered why she had to be like that. The knives, the words, the ice wall… he didn't get it.

"Here." He tossed his jacket over her shoulders before she could protest. Nervously he babbled, "I'll walk you home, just so I know you're not going to be tempted to jack my jacket. I know it's so awesome you'll have a hard time resisting, but the jacket is vintage and all, so you can't have it. Plus, my grandfather gave it to me. He rocked. He gave me my first pocket knife when I was eight and taught me how to shoot straight. He was a cool old man."

"Is he dead?" Natalia inquired. She looked funny smothered in his jacket, her hair tucked under the collar and her nose poking out the front. He thought she looked incredibly endearing like that and fought back a blush. Jeez, Arthur was right; he was acting like a sissy schoolgirl.

"Dead?" Alfred gave a laugh, "Hell no. That old man is never going to die. He got married in Vegas to some old lady and moved to Belize to retire."

"I suppose I could use your jacket. And it would be acceptable for you to accompany it to my residence." Natalia said slowly, clearly not willing to give up the jacket now that she had stopped shivering. Alfred removed his hand to get up and offer it back to her. She hesitated a moment before firmly grabbing his palm and pulling herself up.

"Sweet." Alfred chirped, giddy at his success. This was only the second time he'd actually gotten her permission to accompany her somewhere (not counting his upcoming date, which was going to be so awesome she'd have to be impressed). It would've been super awkward to trail her down the street to her house while she marched ahead of him. He figured he'd either get the cops called on him or some guy on the corner would offer him a dog collar complete with whipping sounds.

He heard his phone alert him a text. He glanced at it on the sly; it was something boring about Mattie being upset and going home. He didn't bother to reply and shoved the phone in his pocket. He was only one hero and he was busy right now.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Okay, several notes here.

I'm posting this early because tomorrow I'm leaving my home country to go live in Korea for a year. Yay! But not completely… it's a bit scary too. I'm scared of the Korean food… Anyway, I'm not sure when I'll be able to post the next chapter.

This is why I've been busting my butt to finish the story. It is, in fact, finished except for one chapter. That's right, it has an ending. It also has a bonus chapter(s) set outside the storyline but in the same universe. Don't think you're escaping that easily.

This chapter is split between Matthew's POV and Ivan's. Someone commented that it was hard not knowing Ivan's POV. Well, it's hard to write Ivan's POV, but it's necessary because Matthew isn't able to tell the story. Enjoy.

I don't endorse getting smashed and having unprotected sex. Really, I don't recommend it. Do not try this at home and all that jazz.

Chapter Fourteen

Matthew sighed and for the millionth time wished Alfred could tolerate a quiet, at-home party for their birthday. Or, actually, after-birthday party. Since no one was around during the summer and Alfed was an impossible attention whore, he always held their (HIS) party a month or so after the school year started. And, it was technically at-home, unfortunately for the neighbors, who had evacuated in advance after last year (or were ATTENDING the party). But no one would be under the mistaken impression it was quiet… or tame.

Why the hell did Alfred get enough money to pay for that much booze anyway? Matthew felt like they had a liquor store in their living room.

"Ready for a super-awesome party, Mattie?" Alfred whooped, his arms full of chips, pretzels, and popcorn. "I love this time of year!"

A small pile of presents were stacked by the front door and Matthew was sure Alfred's side would grow like a radioactive tumor once the guests started arriving. Matthew's own modest pile sat under Alfred's ominous shadow.

"Yeah…"

Alfred ignored his quiet answer and asked, "Did you ask Ivan to come? I was going to but I forgot. Well, maybe Toris will tell him. Shit, I forgot to invite Ludwig and Sophie… and I still gotta pick up the cakes. I'll just tell them when I pick up the cakes. Sofie promised to make you a super-awesome-fantastic cake, Mattie. I got chocolate of course, with red, white, and blue frosting! It's got little flags and fireworks on it and everything. It's going to be soooo cooool. I can't wait. Hey, Mattie, can you set up the snacks while I go get the cakes? Great, okay, thanks, be back in a few! Don't drink too much before the party; I know how tempting it is with all the possibilities. I put the jello and oj in the fridge. Be back, bye!"

Matthew wasn't in any mood to invite Ivan to this stupid, pointless party. Maybe Alfred didn't get the memo lately, but they hadn't been hanging out recently. Ivan seemed the same as ever, but when Matthew tried to be normal, Ivan edged away.

He felt stupid about it, so he just avoided Ivan, hoping it would blow over given a little time. Thinking about it just made his grumpy mood worse.

He sighed and grabbed the bags of snacks off the floor where Alfred dropped them. There was a loud slam and then silence. He set up the snack table and noticed Alfred has forgotten the paper plates. Typical. He went to fetch them from where he had hidden the leftovers from last year and tossed them on the snack table next to the napkins.

He considered going out for the night like his prudent neighbors had done. He wasn't really in the mood for an ode-to-Alfred party, celebrating the day he decided to grace his sunshiny, perfect presence on the dreary old world. He was quite sure no one would notice he ditched the party because they were coming for the food, the booze, the music, and Alfred. No one would care if Matthew was there or not, or even notice if he was there or not. Miguel probably wasn't coming (he and Alfred had a falling out recently), so he could probably go hang out there for the night if he wanted to.

Sulkily, he realized that he had to at least greet his guests. He was too polite not to. And he did want to see Sophie's cake and open his few presents.

He wandered over to the cooler and cracked a beer. It was going to be a long night, so he might as well get started now.

As promised, Alfred arrived back in twenty minutes with two massive cakes and Feliciano helping him. The ditzy Italian was chatting away, holding Matthew's cake over his head carelessly. He stumbled over the door jam but caught himself and the cake with a giggle. Chirping about how he had to be more careful, he proceeded to slam his shin into a coffee table. Gritting his teeth and fighting back tears, he finally made it to the kitchen and placed the cake on the table.

"Ve, are you going to have wine?"

"Of course! Wine, beer, vodka, you name it. I want everyone to be happy and I don't want to hear any whining about culture or whatever. Except from Arthur, but he bitches all the time. He's such a funny drunk! I even got some fruit punch for Mattie and Peter. Arthur has to bring him because the 'rents are out of town again."

Matthew slid the finished beer to the side and tried to look punch-worthy in case Alfred or Feliciano actually noticed he was in the room. They didn't and left to go get the gelato to go with the cakes. Sometimes he wanted to slapped Alfred—well, in this case, sock him—for treating him like a kid. They were twins, dammit, the same age. He was just as capable as Alfred was about holding his liquor (although in hindsight, Alfred was the one who jumped into a prickle bush while drunk), and he could make adult decisions. He didn't need a big brother, who was actually YOUNGER by 12 minutes, to tell him how he should live or what he should drink.

Snagging another beer out of the cooler, he went to answer the door, since Alfred was still outside. A few people Matthew vaguely knew from school looked at him blankly before it clicked. They congratulated him on his birthday and asked where the party was being held. He politely told them about the living room, where the bathroom was, and that the apartment across the hall was going to be for dancing, and the apartment next door to the left was for gaming. The park across the street was going to be for fireworks once it got dark.

He answered the door a few more times, his smile getting fainter and fainter as Alfred's friends and acquaintances brushed past him. Or mistook him for Alfred, heartily congratulating him and dumping fireworks in the BYOFW pile. Eventually Alfred came back, voice booming with maniac energy, and took over, regaling Matthew to the corner with his third beer of the evening.

"Hey," Gilbert greeted him and flopped down half in his lap, spilling his beer. "What's hanging? You look pissed. Let the awesome me cheer you up!"

Matthew grunted and shoved at Gilbert. He just laughed and made himself more comfortable, grabbing Matthew's beer and taking a swig. He grinned and balanced the can on Matthew's head. Irritably Matthew snatched it off and finished it.

"Fiery." Gilbert sniggered, mussing up Matthew's hair with his hand. "Let me make it up to you by getting you another beer."

A few beers later, Matthew decided maybe Gilbert wasn't THAT annoying. And Arthur, who was well on his way to being completely smashed, had decided that the dance part of the party was really karaoke. His voice was belting out The Beatles (which was rather disharmonious with the Black Eyed Peas). Matthew may have conceded Alfred had a marginal amount of talent, purely to save face, but no amount of alcohol was ever going to make Arthur a better singer.

"I'm gonna go kick those Asian dudes off the xbox and play Halo. Wanna join me?"

Matthew shook his head. He wasn't that good at shooting game, and now that he was drunk, he could only get worse. Plus, he decided he really wanted to dance. He could hear the throb of music from the other apartment. Normally he wouldn't even dare step on the dance floor, but now he wanted to dance.

He wandered across the hall and made a beeline for the dance floor.

Ivan was cross about being late to the party. And he was late to the party because he had not been informed that there WAS a party. An oversight on the hosts' part, he was sure; otherwise he would have been invited. Or that's what he told Toris, when Toris asked if he was going to go. And that certainly better be the case, for the hosts' safety. It was just a mistake, he was quite sure. At least on Alfred's part.

Why was Toris invited? He was not a schoolmate not did he live in this town. Yet he was invited and Ivan had not been. And this made Ivan very peeved.

He wandered into Alfred and Mathew's apartment, wrinkling his nose in distaste at the mess the party-goers had made all over the floor and couches. He followed Alfred's booming laugh outside to the back patio to where he was cooking hamburgers and hot dogs. Kiku and Toris were gamely trying to do damage control with the grill. They appeared to be somewhat succeeding, as there were only two black scorch marks on the grass.

"I-Ivan, you came." Toris spotted him first and sputtered out a greeting.

"Hey big guy, glad you made it! Want a hamburger?" Alfred had an apron on that said kiss-the-cook and a charred spatula in one hand and a plate of burgers in the other.

Ivan needed no further invitation. He crossed the distance between them and planted a firm kiss on Alfred's lips. He tasted of cherry jello and Red Bull and Ivan fought back distaste at how Americans felt the need to dress vodka up. He hoped there was straight vodka inside.

Alfred dropped the hamburgers, although Toris dove to catch them, and shoved the spatula into Ivan's chest to push him back after a moment. He was panting and looking slightly glassy-eyed, much to Ivan's satisfaction.

"What the hell man?" Alfred sputtered and gave Ivan a reproachful look. Ivan merely pointed to his apron. He flushed bright red and muttered, "That's not what it means."

"I see. My mistake: I mistook you for a cook. I see that I was wrong." Ivan smiled pleasantly, stealing little licks to his lips.

Alfred seemed to notice the missing hamburgers and yelped until he saw Toris had them. He gave the Lithuanian a grateful smile and Ivan glared. On the one hand, he found Toris attractive enough; he would have been extremely interested if he had not met Alfred earlier. But on the other, Toris seemed to gather attention that Ivan coveted for himself. And Ivan had never been particularly interested in sharing.

"There's drinks inside. You sure you don't want a burger?" Alfred coughed. "Oh, and Mattie's here somewhere. Hey, Kiku, have you seen Mattie lately?" The Japanese boy shook his head. Ivan felt his keen black-button eyes boring through him. He merely gave a sickly sweet harmless smile in return. "Where's Mattie then? I haven't seen him since I got the cakes. Hey, Ivan, go find Mattie for me, will ya?"

Ivan disliked being given orders, but he wandered back inside. It certainly would not hurt to pick up a drink and go find Matvey. He felt slightly guilty for ignoring his friend and hoped to repair their friendship. He had just been so surprised! Not about the kiss of course, that was just an accident, but about how he felt receiving the kiss. And how he continued to think about it. And couldn't stop thinking about it every time he saw Matvey.

He found the alcohol easily enough and there was straight vodka stashed away towards the back. He simply took the whole bottle. It was simply too bad if someone else had wanted a Screwdriver or Vodbomb.

He walked through the seemingly endless stream of rowdy party-goers. He stared at a few couples who were quite unembarrassed to be half-nude and engaging in sexual foreplay in the hallway and tripped over more than one discarded glass bottle. He took a few drinks of the vodka, enjoying the familiar burn. He had not been so well acquainted with his old friend since taking up residence in this small college town. Not that he minded, but taking a drink was a warm, friendly feeling.

Not finding Matvey, he made his way towards the horribly loud music. He could feel the pounding beat as much as hear it, and he was reluctant to go there. But Matvey had been nowhere else, including his room, so Ivan had no choice.

He cautiously looked in the apartment that he assumed was the dance floor. Strobe lights bounced crazily off the wall and the DJ was tucked away in the corner, blasting out loud, heavy beat music. There were a couple dozen dancers in the middle of the living room. Ivan glanced over them curiously, noting the jerky, drunk dancing and smiling at the absurdity of it all. Alfred certainly had a fondness for extravagance.

He almost turned away again when movement caught his eye. Unlike the uncoordinated grinding of the other dancers, this dancer was moving slowly, sensually off to the side by himself. Ivan focused and was surprised to see that it was Matvey. Instead of his usual loose jeans and red hoodie, he was decked out in tight-fitting jeans that hugged his thighs and butt like a second skin. His shirt was a light cotton material that hugged his torso equally close. His small hands were sliding restlessly across his body in-sync with the slow, controlled wiggles of his slim body. They rolled across his flat stomach, splaying out for a second, before running over the slight jut of Matvey's hips and sliding down across the jeans into his back pockets. His lips were parted and Ivan suddenly remembered the kiss. Again. But much stronger.

And he just stared.

Francis, who Ivan had not seen, slipped out from a dark corner of the room with a glass in hand. He threaded through the dancers towards Matvey. Reaching his destination, he leaned forward, his blond curls obscuring his face, and said something to Matvey. The other boy stopped his lewd hip movements and settled for rocking back and forth as he focused on Francis. Francis reached out to gently grab his wrist with his free hand and tugged.

Ivan suddenly felt a strong need to find a blunt metal object.

He had not had a lot of contact with Francis. Alfred, for all his friendliness towards man, woman, child, and dog seemed to have an aversion to the so-called Bad Touch Trio. Which may have been Arthur's influence, who could not seem to stand any of them. Then again, Arthur did not care much for Ivan either. Francis mostly kept away from Alfred. Not to mention his failed attempt to run his hands over Ivan had been laughable; mostly to Ivan, who thought purple was a rather fetching color on him. So he did not see Francis often either.

And now Francis was touching Matvey, who was clearly drunk and willing.

Ivan strode forward without thinking, not bothering to tread around the dancers. Most of them yelped at him, looked, and went back to dancing without another protest. He paid them no mind. Reaching Francis and Matvey, Ivan just stood and stared with a smile tickling his lips.

Francis must have felt him standing there and risked a look over his shoulders. His lips, which had been curved in a sensual smirk, slowly turned into an o. His blue eyes narrowed and he stared back at Ivan challenging.

Matvey, realizing that Francis was no longer talking to him, started dancing again. He moved with a strangely boneless grace, hitting the right notes with a sharp pelvic thrust and a thrown back head. His cheeks were flushed from the heat and the alcohol and his curly hair was slicked back with sweat.

"Yes?" Francis finally asked, plastering on a charming smile. Ivan noted how his eyes kept flickering back to Matvey. "May I help you… ah… forgive me for not knowing your name." _Because you are not important enough for me to remember_, Ivan read.

"My name is not important." Ivan's smile widened a bit and he glared down meaningfully. Francis was not like Gilbert, who Ivan could provoke into a fight. Francis was not a fighter; he was a wily thief and con artist. If Ivan punched him, Ivan would be kicked out of the party and Francis could continue his conquest. "And I would ask that you leave Matvey alone."

"Are you his mother, _mon ami_? His caretaker? I believe _Mathieu_ is a big boy and can decide for himself whom he would like to associate with." Francis replied smoothly, "Or perhaps, you are his boyfriend and do not want to share? No? Then perhaps you have no business interrupting."

Ivan had a suspicion that Francis had used this speech before. Unfortunately, Ivan was not related to Matvey and was merely a friend. So if Matvey didn't protest Francis' advances, no matter how drunk he was, then Francis would appear to be in the right.

Ivan reached past Francis and tugged Matvey to him. Matvey blinked a few times and stood still, confused.

"Perhaps Matvey is my boyfriend, _da_? And you are not welcome." Ivan replied chillily. He did it out of reflex, not realizing the implications of what he was doing immediately. But Francis did and a small smirk decorated his face, repeating Ivan's tone and words back to him, "_Excusez-moi_, I did not know you and 'Matvey' are dating. This is quite a shock, no? Especially since you declined his advances a mere week ago! I am sure Alfred has given you his blessing."

Ivan realized, with a sinking feeling, that Matvey would not likely remember the conversation, but that he had announced his pretend relationship with Matvey to one of the biggest gossips in school. He did not care what most other people thought of him, but it would not look particularly impressive on his part if he were to be dating the brother of his crush. Unfortunately, Francis had flittered off leaving Ivan with a handful of squirming, drunk Matvey.

Ivan looked down at his new 'boyfriend' vaguely amused and somewhat aroused. Matvey had grown tired of standing still and decided that if Ivan was going to hold him, then he was going to use Ivan as an impromptu dance partner. Which seemed to involve quite a bit of grinding and rubbing. On Ivan.

"Matvey," Ivan said, gently catching Matvey's chin with his big fingers and bringing his face up. He had a glassy haze and pouted at being stopped. Slowly a smile spread sloppily across his face and he twisted out of Ivan's grip. Before Ivan could react he had grabbed his hand and placed two fingers up to the knuckles in his mouth. He gave a slight suckle and made a mewling sound in the back of his throat. Ivan swallowed, hard, and tried to tug his fingers out of reach. Matvey stubbornly hung on, flicking his tongue across the fingers before giving a harder suck.

If he desired Ivan's complete attention, he had effectively grabbed it. Ivan was standing stock still, riveted to the way Matvey was playing with his fingers. He swallowed again, trying to tear his eyes away, but didn't try to remove his fingers this time. He was not sure if it was the vodka or his imagination that kept overlapping Matvey's face with Alfred's. And his body apparently didn't care. After a few moments, Matvey appeared to get bored. His ministrations slowed and Ivan almost felt like he could breathe again… until the first nip tickled the sensitive skin on his wrist. The nips and kisses traveled up Ivan's arm. Cloth didn't seem to discourage him in the slightest; he simply bit down harder.

Eventually he was swaying precariously on tiptoes with his hands pressed against Ivan's broad chest and his lips seeking exposed skin at Ivan's collarbone.

Ivan snapped out of his trance when a dancer accidentally bumped into him. A flood of guilt and confusion washed over him. It was the same guilt he had since the party but much, much stronger. He liked Alfred and Matvey was his best friend. What was he doing? This was not something friends did. And he was interested in Alfred. He had never seen how the two twins were so frequently confused; they were very different. And now he was overlapping them and it wasn't all the vodka. Ivan knew that Matthew felt like he was his brother some of the time and nobody the rest of the time, so he was grateful that Matvey was too drunk to notice his slip.

His confused feeling aside, Matvey was clearly highly intoxicated, and Ivan was just as bad as Francis for allowing this to happen.

He firmly grabbed Matvey up, careful about where he allowed Matvey to touch him, and took him off the dance floor. Ideally he would have liked to take Matvey to a quiet place to sleep off his intoxication, but this party was anything but quiet. It was amazing that no one in the area had called the cops for a noise complaint yet. Matvey snuggled compliantly into his chest, panting in small, dainty gasps and occasionally letting a high-pitched noise seep through his slack lips. Ivan carefully carried him into his apartment and headed for the bedroom. He would put Matvey to bed, give him a glass of water to sober him up a little, and leave another glass of water with some aspirin for the morning.

Matvey slipped his hand up Ivan's shirt, an amazingly coordinated move for someone who could barely stand, and gave a sharp tweak. Ivan jumped in surprise and nearly dropped him. He furrowed his brow and removed the hand quickly. However, he could feel the touch lingering and gritted his teeth.

"Matvey, stop." Ivan demanded firmly as Matvey's fingers quested for the edges of his clothing. "Matvey is drunk."

He whined in reply and Ivan was grateful to push the door open to his room and deposit him on the bed. After he kicked out a pair of fornicators and their discarded clothing. Literally. Slamming the door irritably, he made sure Matvey was in bed. He was for the moment. And placed his bottle of vodka down on the nightstand behind the lamp where Matvey wouldn't notice it. He intended to drink the rest of it later after all.

"Stay."

Ivan let himself back out the door and went towards the kitchen. He grabbed two glasses from the cupboard and took them with him to the bathroom, which smelled vaguely of vomit. He filled the glass and rooted around behind the mirror for some painkiller. Finding some, he took out two pills, grabbed the glasses of water, and went back to the room.

Matvey jumped on him from behind. He grunted in surprise, almost dropping the glasses and pills, then sighed. He never would have guessed Matvey to be so incompliant when drunk. This was putting a strain on his patience and he felt something shift.

He decided to take a firmer tact. Because he was scared to lose himself with Matvey.

He grabbed Matvey up by the scruff and tossed him on the bed. He made a whine of protest at the rough treatment but made no move to get up again.

"Drink this."

Matvey took the glass and took a sip. Realizing it was not more alcohol, he tried to give it back. Ivan commanded him to drink again. Reluctantly he brought the glass back up to his lips and took a small sip. He started tracing the rim of the glass with a wet, pink tongue, rolling his lips over it slowly. Ivan had enough. He was becoming cross and frustrated; two emotions he was ill-equipped to handle. They were tumbling around inside of him with a cocktail of testosterone and the idea that Matvey _looked_ like Alfred.

He clamped down on that something even harder and took a deep breath.

"Drink." Ivan commanded again, this time grabbing the glass and forcing it up to Matvey's lips. He pressed his lips together obstinately and started trying to strip off his clothing. Apparently he could be just as persistent as Alfred could with enough incentive.

By the time Ivan had gotten him in a modified headlock, Matvey had managed to get his shirt off and had those skinny jeans at his knees. Ivan had seen him naked before, of course, in the locker room, but this was completely different. Matvey hadn't been grinding his rump into Ivan's crotch with an insistent rhythm nor had he been flushed and whimpering in frustration. And Ivan most certainly hadn't been thinking him in the way he was thinking of him now.

"Drink." Ivan forced his head back and pushed the water against his lips. He sputtered and swallowed and stopped squirming for the moment. Matvey then went limp, water trickling out the corner of his mouth, and Ivan let go of the remaining water to catch him. It spilled all over the sheets and Matvey's boxers.

Alfred burst in the door looking furious. His eyes glittered with an abnormal malice and Ivan was taken aback. Malice was not like Alfred, who on occasion was angry or upset, but rarely mean. His eyes swept over the scene and darkened while his lips twisted up in a snarl.

"Get the fuck out." Alfred said in a low voice that threatened violence.

Instantly Ivan knew that Francis had told Alfred about Ivan's lie, probably neglecting to tell Alfred exactly why he was speaking to Ivan about such things. Alfred must have been very alarmed to leave his fireworks, which Ivan could hear going off across the street. And with typical timing, had chosen the worst possible moment to find Ivan holding his limp, half-naked brother with an empty glass and wet marks over the two of them.

"It is not as it appears."

"It looks pretty fucking convincing to me that you were taking advantage of Mattie." Alfred glared and took a step forward. He was surprisingly sober and coordinated, "Listen up, _Ivan_; let me tell you a secret. Around here that's called rape and it'll land your vodka-chugging ass in jail or maybe get you deported back to the motherland."

Ivan held back his temper with all the patience he had left. He was furious that Alfred would insinuate such baseless and immortal acts and seemed to care little for how he besmirched Ivan's character. He was not a rapist nor was he soliciting consensual sex from a drunk Matvey.

He had tried very hard to be in control. He expected to be lauded for his efforts—how he was changing his behavior—although Alfred didn't know much about his past.

With stiff dignity, he carefully shifted the unconscious Matvey off his lap and placed him on the bed. He carefully picked up the empty glass and placed it next to the full one. Turning back, he impulsively pulled the covers over Matvey's form and placed a soft kiss on his sweat-soaked brow. He wasn't sure why he did so, although it was delightfully fun to see how much the action riled Alfred.

His lips tingled as he straightened up, grabbing the vodka bottle as he went, and walked past Alfred, "Alfred is wrong."

Alfred didn't say anything in return, just followed Ivan out of the apartment. He watched until Ivan was out of sight before going back inside.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Hah, I'm kind of surprised the last chapter didn't get more of a reaction. The peanut gallery was especially responsive to it. Of course, then they were like where's the sexytimes?

In any case, here's the next chapter! Early! Because I leave orientation for Gangwon… and I don't know what kind of internet access I'll have in Gangwon. AND because it's 5 am and I have nothing else I can do that doesn't require sitting quietly in the dark.

I'd also like to note that I've heard more 'ehs?' in the last few days than I have all my life, LOL. And I have been informed that I'm "too quiet to be an American." I asked if I ran around saying eh? Eh? Aboot! Polar bear! Eskimo! Igloo? Maple syrup, eh? Eh? Eh? If I sounded Canadian. I am not loud enough to be an American, but I am surely obnoxious enough, eh? I was also told "Americans are scary, but you are really nice, you're the exception!" by my roomie from S. Africa. She says that now, but wait until I introduce her to Cold Stone Creamery and Starbucks… she might change her mind when she's addicted.

In any case, if you're interested, I'm blogging my experiences. You can get the address on my profile under my blogger account :)

Chapter Fifteen

Matthew woke up the morning after the party with the most horrendous headache he had ever encountered. He smacked his lips, noting the disgusting, sour taste in his dry mouth, and rolled over on his side.

"God, how many beers did I have last night?" he whimpered to himself, grateful he hadn't thrown up all over the place. He hadn't thrown up at all, not that he remembered, if the taste in his mouth was anything to go by.

Slowly, he staggered to his feet, half hunched over, and almost toppled over a glass of water on the night stand. He didn't remember putting it there; Alfred must have left it for him last night. There was no way Alfred got up before him. That was just physically impossible. Especially with the number of jello shots Matthew saw him down.

He glanced at the clock and stared until the fuzzy numbers announced themselves. It was twenty after noon. He grunted, suddenly realizing his bladder was about to explode. It took some effort but he made it back to his room without dunking his head in the toilet or waking up the weirdo asleep in the tub.

"Shit." Matthew mumbled as he sat down and sipped the water. Things were still a little fuzzy. He didn't think he was still drunk, but his body wasn't too thrilled about being up. It wanted to sleep some more. He noticed the two little pills and washed them down. How unlike Alfred to remember to leave him some painkiller… and water?

He tried to remember last night. He remembered growling at Gilbert and then somehow making it to the dance floor. He still didn't remember how many beers he had, which couldn't be good and no wonder he had a killer headache. He wasn't a party binge drinker like Alfred; he didn't usually go out of his way to get sloshed.

"Hey, Mattie?"

Matthew looked up and was surprised to see Alfred with a trash bag in one hand and the decrepit vacuum dragging behind him in the other. Alfred looked disgustingly chipper about the whole thing.

"Man, you okay? You were totally trashed last night."

Thanks Captain Obvious.

"Er, you're not sore or anything, are you?" Alfred asked looking anxious and sheepish at the same time. Matthew just stared at him blankly before answering, "My head feels like that time you got a drum set for Christmas."

"You're not sore… in other places… are you?" Alfred made a vague motion towards his backside and grimaced. Matthew blinked and rubbed his eyes, working his way through Alfred's typical evasive yapping. Maybe he'd go back to sleep. He was mid-yawn when what Alfred meant hit him. He flushed and fell back against the bed pitifully, "No, er, why?"

"Nothing. Just wondering if you got some, that's all." Alfred chuckled and then leered for good measure. But he didn't quite cover up the look of concern in his sky blue eyes. He then babbled, "You totally missed the fireworks! They were so awesome! I mean, this was the best year ever so far!"

"They let you light fireworks drunk?" Matthew slurred, scandalized, and quite willing to harp on Alfred's shortcoming instead of considering who he almost slept with last night. Alfred grinned brightly and rubbed the back of his head, "I wasn't drunk. I didn't touch a drop last night because that would just be stupid since I wanted to blow shit up. But not blow my dick off, you know? I made some placebo jello shots for Peter and had a few. Oh, and a Red Bull for energy. And some hamburgers…"

Matthew held up a hand and Alfred quit his nervous and excited babbling.

"Go away. I have a headache." Matthew said in a whisper. "We can talk about this later."

"Uh, sure. But don't you have hockey practice today?"

Shit. Shitshitshit.

"You want me to call you in sick? Cuz I can totally do that…" And have Alfred say he had the clap from Francis or something? No thanks. Plus, half the hockey team was at the party last night. They'd definitely know that Matthew was wimping out because of a hangover.

"No, I'm going to take a shower. Go kick that guy out of the bathtub for me, will you?"

"Man, I thought I cleared everyone out. Didn't think to look in the bathtub." Alfred mumbled with a frown. He paused at the door frame, still holding his cleaning supplies, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Fine." Matthew quirked an eyebrow and then winced at the movement. He waited a few more minutes for the painkillers to kick in before staggering to the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he was ready for bed again but staggering out the front door instead.

"Want me to call Tino to come pick you up?" Alfred asked, appearing at the door like a mother hen. He looked absurd. Somewhere he had found an apron, a bandanna, and a pair of bright, yellow dish gloves. Matthew almost growled and glared suspiciously. Normally Alfred would have Ivan over in less than ten minutes, but now he was talking about Tino? Since when did Alfred talk—never mind, Alfred talked to everyone.

"No." Matthew did growl then added, "Thanks for the aspirin and water though. I really needed that."

"What?" Alfred blinked cluelessly then gave a forced smile, "No problem."

Weird.

Things only got weirder. Matthew was late, of course, but he still managed to put on his padding and gear. He spent the next hour intensifying his headache. Eventually Tino took pity on him and put him on the bench for a while. He was obscenely grateful that Tino was captain and not someone else.

Once practice was over he made it back to the changing room and noticed Ivan staring at him. Ivan quickly looked away. Okay, weird.

Matthew quickly changed and made his way over toward Ivan. Ivan saw him coming and straightened up before taking a few steps back. He put on his most fake and plastic smile and greeted him, "Good afternoon Matvey. Does your head hurt?"

Very weird. Weird and weirder. How'd Ivan know he was nursing a killer headache?

"Uh, a little. I took some painkiller earlier."

Ivan gave a knowing nod.

There was an awkward silence between them were Ivan just kept smiling blankly and Matthew was trying not to drift off into senselessness.

"Hey, congrats on your boyfriend. He must be hung like a horse." Søren grinned wolfishly and ruffled Matthew's hair. He gave Ivan a wink and sauntered off to torment Berwald. Everyone else in the room turned to look at them with knowing smirks.

And Matthew was getting really weirded out.

If things kept going like this he was going to be as paranoid as his brother was about the supernatural. Minus the sobbing and nightmares part. Well, maybe the nightmares, but definitely not sobbing. He would not have sobbing over being stared at like he was the juiciest piece of gossip of the school year.

Matthew looked inquiringly at Ivan, who had turned away and was getting ready to leave.

"Want me to walk with you?" It was a pretty standard invitation. Granted it was a bit inverted, since Ivan usually invited himself along, not the other way around, but Matthew took it for tradition. That and he wasn't sure he could make it all the way home without passing out on Ludwig's doorstep or something.

"_Nyet_, not today Matvey. I do not wish to be seen by Alfred."

Things had passed weird and were now in the Twilight Zone. And that stupid, creepy theme song was ringing in his hand. He shook his head and tried to concentrate.

"Did you guys get in a fight?"

Ivan gave him a probing stare before giving a careless shrug and a smile, "A misunderstanding. It will pass, I am sure. Matvey need not worry."

Matthew worried his lip. He was worried. Sure, Alfred and Ivan snipped at each other and sometimes Alfred got in a tiff for a couple hours, but this wasn't like them. This sounded like a real fight. Briefly Matthew wondered if Ivan had insulted Alfred's comic book collection again… or worse, burned it. That would definitely make Alfred pissed. But Alfred had seemed pretty cheerful earlier, even if he was cleaning up potato chip crumbs, beer cans, and who knows what else.

"If you say so…" Matthew had a sinking feeling that Alfred and Ivan were fighting over something that happened at the party last night.

Matthew knew he had a wee bit of a problem when he got drunk. Aside from the fact that he could be a professional stripper, his dance moves were so blatantly sexual, he was also very… clingy. Well, Toni had given a rich laugh and told him that he had tried to shove his tongue down Francis' throat and de-pants him in the middle of the club. Gilbert said he was a sex fiend. 'Damn Matt-Man, you are a fucking _animal_ when you've hadda couple.'

He also never remembered much the next morning… which meant he usually woke to a very unpleasant surprise when he was sharing a bed with someone else without any recollection how he got there. Luckily, so far, it had always been someone he knew.

So far.

So last night…?

And Alfred wondered why Matthew didn't drink that often!

"Um, okay. I'll see you later Ivan." Matthew said with a half wave. He let his hand flop down and sighed. Eventually Alfred would spill something; Matthew could worry about it until his head fell off, but if he was patient, his blabbermouth brother would tell him.

He packed up the rest of his stuff and stumbled out the door. He was only a few blocks away from the rink when he had a creepy feeling he was being watched. He knew it wasn't Natalia, she had her own special vibe and Ivan wasn't with him anyway, but he didn't like it. Suddenly he really wished he had insisted on walking with Ivan. Without realizing it, Ivan had become his security blanket. Who wouldn't feel secure with a giant of a Russian for a companion? Ivan could turn people into gibbering puddles with a giggle and a glare. He could. Matthew had seen him do it. He wouldn't be surprised if he could also light them on fire… well, he could. But Matthew meant with his eyes.

Okay, he was really tired if he was thinking like Alfred.

Francis and Toni were strolling down the block from the other direction. Gilbert was following along behind them looking as hung over as Matthew felt.

"Ah, _Matthieu_, it is good to see you well." Francis purred, "I was afraid your new boyfriend might have been too rough. He does not seem the type to be gentle. Then again, he did carry you quite fetchingly off the dance floor last night."

This was the second time someone had mentioned his boyfriend. Matthew didn't have a boyfriend. And how did everyone know about it anyway? He really wanted to blame Alfred for this, but somehow it just wasn't smacked of Alfred. It was too… sneaky.

Matthew glanced at Gilbert who suddenly looked sour in addition to hung over. He gave Francis a kick and stomped off. Francis grimaced at the kick but managed not to hop in pain. Toni shrugged and smiled, following his friend.

Francis slung a companionable arm over Matthew's shoulders. Matthew wanted to complain that his arm was heavy but he was afraid Francis might take it as an invitation to wrap around his waist, which had all kinds of naughty access.

"So, you must tell me. How long have you two been together?" Francis asked curiously. Matthew thought he sounded like he was fishing for something.

Alfred wasn't sneaky, but Francis was.

Did he sleep with Francis?

No, if he had, Francis wouldn't be asking him about his boyfriend.

"Uh, since last night?"

"So you are an item?" Francis pressed and Matthew wanted him to go away. He was tired and he was hungry and he wasn't interested in being quizzed on something as mythical as Arthur's pet unicorn.

"Yes."

Francis looked genuinely surprised and his hand almost slipped off Matthew's shoulder. He recovered himself quickly, although his smile looked a little forced, and he nodded. He gave Matthew an awkwardly platonic pat and edged away slightly to put a little distance between them, looking around fearfully.

Good, maybe he'd go away.

Matthew normally didn't mind Francis, but he was cranky. And hungover. Which meant he was sore and cranky. Did he mention cranky?

Eventually Francis left looking as sour as Gilbert had.

Matthew wasn't surprised to open the door to the smell of tea. He had seen Arthur's car parked in the lot. When he stumbled over the shoes in the door, he decided that Kiku must be over too. He debating between holing up in his room like some reclusive hermit or descending on the fridge like a pack of rabid lemmings. In the end hunger won out. He hoped Arthur had enough tea to get him through the shock.

"Matthew, my lad, would you like a cup?" Arthur greeted him softly. He was seated at the table with Kiku off to the left cleaning something. Kiku gave an equally soft greeting.

"No thanks. Food. Where's Alfred?" Matthew asked diving into the fridge. He grabbed a jar of sweet pickles, some carrots, a package of unidentified deli meat, and some BBQ potato chips from the top of the fridge. Dumping his scrounging together, he dug in with his fingers. Arthur winced and took a long drag of his tea.

Looking steadily over the cup rim, he answered, "We sent him to the store. The bloody git was far too noisy considering last night."

"He didn't drink anything. Fireworks."

Arthur nodded in understanding.

"So you have gotten yourself a boyfriend."

Matthew choked on the pickle he was in the middle of inhaling. He gagged and coughed while Arthur took another sip of tea and Kiku peered at him anxiously. Once he cleared his airways, he squeaked, "What?"

"Oh come now, it was all over the party last night." Arthur said primly, "I am asking you for confirmation. As you know, I do not put stock in baseless rumors."

Matthew just knocked his head against the counter.

"Who the hell did I sleep with last night?" he cried, "Will someone just tell me?"

Arthur raised a massive eyebrow, "I do not believe you shagged anyone."

Oh. Matthew flushed and hid behind the nameless meat. It vaguely tasted like turkey. So he didn't sleep with anyone.

"But Alfred did not take the announcement too well. In fact, he was quite brash about it. And I agree with him. Matthew, you can certainly do better." Arthur said plainly, disapproval in his face. Matthew hated it when he went into lecture-mode. He'd make a great principal some day; he'd scare the kids shitless. Kiku nodded silently in agreement, although he didn't voice his disapproval with Matthew's "choice."

Great, that wasn't much of a clue. Arthur pretty much hated the entire student body. Although he seemed to have a soft spot for Matthew when he bothered to remember him.

Hence the un-welcome fatherly lecture.

Why didn't Arthur show Alfred how to use a condom?

Matthew shoved a pickle in his mouth with some chips.

"Well, do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Matthew swallowed and shook his head. He had absolutely nothing to say about his imaginary boyfriend. He hoped the rumors knew who it was, otherwise he would have to be like Arthur and talk to the air to keep up his image.

They all jumped as Alfred banged the door open and shut before stomping in the kitchen with a happy grin. Matthew noticed he was wearing a completely new outfit; it must have been from his stockpile of presents. Matthew made a mental note to open his when he could see straight. Writing thank you notes would be awkward with his current blurry vision.

"Hiya Mattie. How was practice?"

Matthew looked at his brother deadpan, "Excruciating."

"Great." Alfred replied not paying attention to his reply. He threw the groceries on the counter and proceeded to bang around the kitchen. Both Matthew and Arthur glared and Kiku moved to help Alfred before he was murdered.

"I learned something very interesting today." Matthew continued, his eyes half screwed shut against the banging noises that were pounding into his skull. Arthur and Kiku traded glances. Arthur got up and set his tea in the sink and grabbed a trash bag. "Kiku and I will get started on the backyard."

"Sweet, that's where I hid the chocolate." Alfred chirped bent over and peering into some obscure cupboard Matthew didn't even know was there.

"It was interesting because it was a rumor about me…" Matthew trailed off, his voice still flat. Alfred, as usual, was slow to sense danger. He slowly ate another pickle in three, crisp, menacing bites. Alfred hummed some ridiculous pop song in response as he ate the possibly expired chocolate. "Who'd I sleep with last night?"

Matthew knew damn well he didn't sleep with anyone, but Alfred didn't seem to be so sure. He choked on the chocolate bar, gagging and wheezing, before turning surprised blue eyes on Matthew.

"You said you weren't sore!"

"I lied. I do that sometimes."

"No fair!"

Matthew stepped forward toward Alfred. His brother tried to straighten but Matthew moved fast enough to pin in him the extremely awkward position of looking like he was trying to do some kind of gas-relieving yoga move. Matthew grabbed a handful of hair to ensure it stayed that way.

He was not in the mood to be passive today, which just left the aggressive.

"Who?"

Alfred shook his head.

Matthew didn't get it. If Alfred was really that angry, he'd be squealing like a gutted pig. Unless he was so angry he planned on getting revenge without Matthew intervening. Well, it definitely wasn't Francis, or Gil. Arthur? Matthew grunted at that thought. It was entirely possible, considering how sloshed they both were last night, but he had a feeling Arthur would be a man about it and tell him instead of asking him roundabout if he had a boyfriend. Arthur had balls like that. Kiku? Not likely. The boy was so sexual repressed he probably paid the salaries of several porn stars. Really, it was a short list of the usual suspects, since Matthew was sure it wasn't a straight guy or a girl. He felt like he was missing someone really obvious. Maybe someone from out of town?

"Al, just tell me. I won't be mad; I promise."

"No." he whimpered, not trying to escape. He rarely tried to escape anymore. He usually just cowered and waited for Matthew to finish his rant. "And you're already mad."

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Why did Alfred pick now of all times to be honorable? The wretched fuckwit! Assclown. Jerkwad. Dimwit. Twit. Matthew needed him to be a tattletale!

"Fine." Matthew snarled, "I'll just ask…" Who? Matthew had already asked Francis and Arthur. Gil looked so sulky, Matthew was sure he wasn't going to tell me. Matthew wasn't going to ask Søren if he could possibly help it, although he blushed at Søren's comment from earlier. Who else was at the party? Feliciano may know; he'd be easy to get to talk. He wasn't much of a creditable source though.

"Mattie." Alfred whimpered, "The hair, the hair."

Oops, well it'd grow back.

"Forget it," Matthew muttered. It'd come out eventually. Now that he'd eaten, he really needed another nap and some more painkillers. "And I didn't sleep with anyone last night."

Matthew released Alfred and he sprawled on the tile. He picked himself up and puffed out his chest in a showboat way.

"I knew it! Your big brother will protect your virtue, Mattie, so don't worry!" Alfred announced to Matthew and the cockroaches. He might have even been loud enough that Kiku and Arthur could hear out on the porch. "Let that asshole try anything again and I'll kick his ass!"

"Who?"

He gave a sheepish grin and bolted from the kitchen before Matthew could grab him again. He was probably going to hide behind Arthur.

Pantywaist.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Okay, last day of internet access for the weekend! You guys are lucky because I only have time to post to FF and not LJ. I need a flash drive… or internet in my apartment! No internet at night is driving me insane!

Prof. K = Greece (probably pretty obvious)

And a quick note on ages: to save my sanity and keep all the characters in a college-setting, everyone is between the ages of 20-25ish. If I were to be logical about it China would actually be a professor or something and Alfred, Matthew, the Italian twins, and Ludwig would be Freshmeat- er, Freshmen (1st year) while Ivan, Arthur, and Kiku would be sophomores/juniors (2 and 3rd year of college/university), while, say, Tino and Berwald would be seniors (4th year). That being said, there are no inappropriate age relations in this story :P

Chapter Sixteen

Matthew couldn't believe it. He just couldn't believe it. He stared at Feliciano, hoping the ditzy brunette had too much wine at the party. He just jabbered on about how Matthew looked great with him, they were the cutest couple, and why didn't Matthew say anything?

Problem was, Feliciano, just like everyone else wouldn't say who HE was. It was like in Harry Potter. They were afraid if they spoke his name, Matthew's mythical boyfriend would appear out of thin air and smite them.

Matthew almost wished he would.

Feliciano's grumpy twin was rolling his eyes and tugging on his twin's shirt, "Come _on_, leave this loser alone. It's not any of your business, and you're being too noisy in the library."

"But Brother, don't you think they're cute together?"

Lovino eyed Matthew, and looked just behind him at where Ivan was working on his English homework, "Just precious. Now let's go."

"Good-bye Alfred!"

Matthew sighed in frustration and went back to the library table. He flipped open his calculus workbook and started grinding out the problems. He wished Alfred didn't have practice. As stupid as he was about most things, he was a whiz at math.

"Hey, Ivan?"

Ivan looked up and blinked. Matthew's head was still bent, so he didn't notice the look Ivan was giving him, but he could feel Ivan's attention on him.

"You any good at math?"

Ivan gave a brief nod, "Passable."

Matthew scooted his chair over next to Ivan, barely noticing when Ivan squirmed away a little. He shoved his book in front of the Russian, still peeved from his deadend search for the root of this unicorn of a boyfriend rumor. He reached over Ivan's arm to point out the problem. He held the touch a little longer than necessary out of reflex, missing Ivan's blush. He didn't miss it when Ivan wiggled out from under him and scraped the chair a few inches away.

What was his deal?

"Don't worry, I promise my boyfriend won't beat you up for helping me with my math homework." Matthew laughed lightly. Instead of laughing with him, Ivan just pushed the book forward and started explaining the problem in a dull voice.

Matthew tuned his explanation out.

Ivan was hiding something from him. It wasn't a feeling he was used to. Usually no one even remembered him long enough to bother to hide a secret. Yet all of a sudden he was in the middle of some strange conspiracy theory. And he had a feeling Ivan had the key.

Gritting his teeth, he snatched back his book with a clipped 'never mind' and scooted back to his side of the table. Ivan tried to talk to him a few times and he ignored him. The fifth time Ivan started to say something he reminded Ivan that some people were trying to do some work and could he please be quiet?

"Matvey…"

Matthew looked up expectantly. He hadn't expected the silent treatment to work so quickly. It took at least half a day to crack Alfred. One time Alfred had hung on for almost a week and Matthew almost started talking to him because he was afraid his brother would do something outrageous to get him to talk. Like hold up an ice cream truck with a Taser or something.

"Yes Ivan? Do you have something you want to tell me?"

Ivan looked at him then looked away.

"You need an 8 in the equation."

Matthew glared at his paper hoping it would burst into flame. Instead the math problem sat there making him feel stupid. He grudgingly put in the 8 and finished the problem. He finished up his math problems and debated between leaving Ivan to stew in his guilt or staring at him silently until he spilled the beans. Ivan, for his part, was pretending to be immersed in his English essay, painstakingly writing out every word in slow, careful loops and crosses. Matthew momentarily forgot his crossness and just sat watching the pen move gracefully.

"Why don't you just type it? I'd be faster."

Ivan finished his sentence carefully and shrugged. He started on the next one silently.

God, why was Matthew surrounded by assholes?

"The computer lab is just across the way. I know you know how to use a computer." Matthew tried again in a pleasant tone.

Ivan didn't budge.

Matthew glared. He'd admit he was being a little childish, but he wasn't the one who started all this. Well, technically he was, but he was drunk at the time, which didn't lessen his responsibility but still made him madder than hell no one was cooperating with him. And it wasn't _his_ fault no one would tell him what happened. Did that mean something really bad happened and no one wanted to tell him because they were afraid to hurt his feelings? That just ticked him off more. He was an adult, dammit, and he wanted to know. To prove his point he crossed his arms across his chest and glared. Ivan still ignored him.

"Ah, _Matthieu_, you look lovely today." Francis greeted, earning a poisoned look from the librarian, although Lovino didn't say anything as he was afraid of Francis. "Do you need help with your… _French_? There are lots of lovely _French_ things I could help you with."

Gilbert made a face behind him and cackled, "I don't think Matt-Man wants your Frenchie cooties. Isn't France famous for its crabs?"

Francis turned around indignantly making Gilbert laugh harder. Lovino was picking up the phone, probably to call campus security, when he was accosted by the third member of the invading force. He ended up clobbering Toni over the head with the phone instead.

"This is a library, _da_? Not your usual establishment; it lacks alcohol. Perhaps you should leave." Ivan said, looking up for the first time in five minutes. He gave Francis a smile and started giggling under his breath.

Gilbert frowned, "You hear that Frenchie? He thinks we're stupid."

Francis flipped his hair, unconcerned, "Ignore him, _mon ami_. This is a public place and we may be where we please."

Matthew once again with sidelined.

"I was merely asking _Matthieu_ if he required some extra _tutoring_, since he doesn't look like he was getting what he needs from others present. I am very focused and not easily _distracted_ by similar issues. I can easily tell the difference and know what I want. It is but a small virtue of mine." Francis purred, grabbing Matthew and pulling him into a one-sided hug. Ivan's giggling increased in volume and Matthew was wondering if there were some shrooms in the school lunch because he was seeing dark purple vibes coming off Ivan in waves.

"Chiiiggggiii!" Lovino screamed, "Hands off, perv!"

"But Lovi, you have coffee in your lap. I was trying to help you clean it up!"

He swatted off Francis' hand and grabbed his stuff off the table. He wasn't feeling generous enough to break up the impeding natural disaster. If they wanted to continue this dangerous, bizarre conversation for no reason that wasn't any of his business. He hoped all three—no, four, including Toni—got kicked off campus for a while. Then he wouldn't have to see any of them because just looking at them made him want to kick a puppy or something.

With that he stomped out of the library, swerving around Gilbert's attempt to slap his ass on the way out. Since he had fifteen minutes until his next class, he wandered outside. It was a bit chilly out and he hunkered in his hoodie as he picked a random bench to sulk on. He wasn't like his brother; he didn't believe in crazy conspiracy theories, but something was going on around him and he didn't understand anything about it except it had to do with Ivan, Francis, and the party. And probably what Matthew did at the party.

Oh my god, did Ivan see him getting it on with Francis?

Matthew flushed in mortification. That would explain soooooooooo much. Why Ivan was being so distant and Francis so possessive. It didn't explain Gilbert, but he was funny about what he got mad about anyway. Maybe he had been hoping for a threesome or something. Great, now Ivan thought he was a man-whore and was ashamed of him. And Alfred was ashamed too and that's why he wouldn't say anything. He was probably more than ashamed, he was probably disgusted too, because he'd already said what he thought about Francis. And why Arthur and Kiku looked down on him yesterday afternoon, but they were too polite to say he was a dirty slut… to his face at least.

Sinking his face in his hands he groaned and moved so he could hit his head on the bench as the hysterical giggles bubbled up his throat. In the process he managed to kick something that said 'oww.' Startled, he peered under the bench and was greeted by a pair of sleepy eyes and several pairs of angry feline ones.

"You kicked me." It wasn't an accusation or outrage, just a simple statement.

"Why are you sleeping under a bench?" was all Matthew could ask in response.

"My class doesn't start for another half hour." And that totally explained why he was outside sleeping on the grass under a bench with a bunch of cats.

"What class?" And why haven't I noticed you before, Matthew thought. The guy should have been ridiculously obvious on campus and Matthew had no idea who he was.

"Oh, I teach Classical Greek Mythology as an adjunct. I just graduated last year."

_Teach_? This guy was a teacher?

"You can call me Professor K, as I've found students have difficulty pronouncing my last name." The sleepy man said, holding out his hand. Matthew dumbly shook it, grateful for this off the wall distraction.

"Matthew Williams."

The sleepy man peered at him and sat up a little more, scattering the cats on his chest. He blinked slowly, as if processing something, and Matthew was strongly reminded of a sloth. A slow smile spread across his face.

"It is good to meet the person of rumors. I was wandering which student it was who was so… blessed." Professor K rumbled in an unhurried way. He paused a little at the end, clearly choosing to be diplomatic about his word choice.

WHAT? He didn't even know this guy and this guy knew all about him, including his name? Matthew was two seconds away from having a coronary, genetics and age be damned. He wondered if his health insurance covered apoplectic fits of rage.

"Yeah, everyone keeps saying… things."

Professor K eyed him, getting up on the bench next to him. His curly, messy hair was frizzing wildly with the damp day and cat hair decorated his nice jacket. He took a breath and exhaled noisily. He gave another patient breath and said, "You sound displeased. Would you like me to repeat what I've heard? I cannot say it is the original version, but perhaps you could sort out your problems if you knew."

"That would be…very nice of you." Matthew almost sobbed in relief. At least someone was willing to talk to him. Even if it was a stranger and a teacher.

He listened quietly, his horror and anger battling each other as Professor K told him what he had heard. When Professor K finished, he politely thanked him and went to class. Most of the rumors were way off base and seemed unlikely but there were several elements that were the same: Ivan kissed Alfred; Ivan nearly got in a fight with Francis and scooped up Matthew bridal style taking him to a back room; Ivan proclaimed himself Matthew's boyfriend; and Alfred kicked Ivan out of the party. He was so glad today was Monday. Because there were some people who were going to be on the wrong end of his hockey stick.

He practically hummed through the rest of his classes, plotting cheerfully.

In the locker room, he was still humming and gave his new hockey stick a mournful pat. He promised it an honorary spot next to its predecessor if something should happen to it.

On the ice he put a little more effort into practice than necessary. Even Tino was making sure to keep Berwald between the two of them. Berwald, for his part, didn't seem to notice the difference. But Søren sure did when Matthew slammed him into the rink so hard he acted like a bouncy ball between the glass and the ice.

Eventually he got to the source of his rage and injustice. Ivan was eyeing him speculating from behind his headgear. So far he had stayed out of Matthew's way, but now he found himself face-to-face. Matthew couldn't help the small smile as he closed in.

Ivan, sensing his killer intent, pulled the puck in closer and skated a little faster. It didn't do him much good when Matthew swerved in front of him, snagging the puck with his speed, and pulled up a little ways away tauntingly, daring Ivan to come and take it.

Ivan took the invitation with a second's hesitation. He lunged forward and tried to herd Matthew into the side where he'd be boxed in. Matthew easily twirled around him and looked back expectantly. Then he took off towards the goal with Ivan in hot pursuit. He wasn't sure if this would work a second time but he totally jacked Alfred's cheap cheater move.

Ivan seemed to expect it though because he barreled past in a more controlled lunge. Or it would have been if Matthew hadn't "accidentally" stuck his stick out catching Ivan's skate blades. The Russian tumbled down and Matthew shot the goal before the rest of the team mobbed him. He gave a causal circle around Ivan before squatting down at his level.

"What did you do to my brother at the party?" Matthew leaned his stick slightly against Ivan's side and looked down seriously.

"N-nothing." Ivan managed, still winded.

"Then why'd he kick you out?" Matthew pressed his stick harder as he leaned forward. Ivan didn't bother to try to get up with Matthew's skate blades just inches away from his hand and face. In fact, he almost seemed to stop breathing, although Matthew was sure it wasn't in fear. Maybe guilt? "What'd you do?"

"N-nothing." Ivan huffed again, louder.

"You kissed him." Matthew reasoned, "But then you said you were my boyfriend."

He was sure Ivan's breathing did stop that time. Ivan flopped his head the other way and clammed up.

"That's not a nice thing to do. Kissing someone and then going out with their brother." Matthew said softly. He didn't add that he didn't appreciate Ivan playing pretend about a relationship they didn't have but he wanted. Or that Alfred was covering up for him because Alfred forgave others. Alfred fought, forgave, and forgot. Matthew held grudges, a fatal flaw to be sure, but he was okay with that. He remembered all the good things people did too, so he figured it balanced out.

"This is not the place to speak of this." Ivan finally said, getting to his knees and towering over Matthew. His face was surprisingly blank. He didn't look angry or guilty or upset at all. Which meant he was probably all of the above. "I do not do anything to you or Alfred. And I am very displeased you two seem to be intent on accusing me."

"You sure as hell did something." Matthew hissed through his teeth. He knew his brother and despite the fact that Alfred ran around like a clueless idiot, he was very sensitive to rejection. And Ivan had sat there and played with Alfred's feelings, while Alfred cheerfully took the punch to the crotch and protected him. And that infuriated Matthew. No one was allowed to mess with his brother like that, not even Ivan. And the fact that Ivan tried to hide it and pretend like nothing was wrong… no, worse, tried to get Matthew on his side by being his "boyfriend" made him want to beat him to a pulp.

So he did.

The first punch flew wide and only knocked the headgear off Ivan's head. Luckily Matthew was still wearing the mitts, otherwise his hand would have been bruised and cut. The next swing clipped Ivan under the jaw snapping his head back.

"Don't fuck with my brother!" Matthew screamed as he landed the third punch on Ivan's padded chest. He struggled madly as several team members pulled him off Ivan and tried to kick the Russian as he was dragged backwards.

Ivan staggered up looking murderous. Matthew might have seen the hurt if he had been coherent, but all he saw was Ivan's giggling, gleeful face. And he wanted to punch it some more.

Alfred, who had been in the stands pestering Natalia, skidded out on the ice in his sneakers. He grabbed Matthew in a chokehold as Matthew threw his teammates off him. He shoved his way between Matthew and Ivan, glancing over his shoulder at the hulking, furious Russian.

"Shh, Mattie, hang on a minute. Mattie, Mattie, it's Al. Calm down, okay?" Alfred winced as he received an elbow to the gut. "Matthew Andrew Williams! Stop it right now."

Matthew felt the rage trickle away and sank down on the ice. He felt a collection of bruises starting to form where he had hit flesh and padding. Alfred stood over him protectively, giving Ivan a death glare. Ivan stared back coldly, his fists clenched and his face red.

"You. And You. We need to talk." Alfred said pointing to both Ivan and Matthew. "Because I'm pissed at both of you right now. And you're pissed at each other. And at me. I'm supposed to be the childish one!"

"I think that's a good idea." Tino said, looking between them, "Do you need a mediator?"

Alfred shook his head and dragged Matthew off the ice with minimal slippage. When Natalia approached he told her they had some guy stuff to take care of and charged right into the locker room. And locked the door behind him.

The three sat in an angry silence.

Alfred suddenly chuckled, "Maybe I should've wait until we all cooled down first, huh?"

Ivan and Matthew glared at him. Matthew made a point to move away from both of them to the far end of the bench.

"So, um, Ivan. I was kind of a jerk the other night and jumped to conclusions." Alfred said with an 'aww shucks I screwed up' smile. "I didn't mean it. I was just scared for Mattie."

"It did not look very good." Ivan agreed blandly, "I can see how you would believe that."

"So, uh, um, okay, are we cool now? Since you didn't, like, rape my brother while he was snonkered."

Matthew's head snapped up. WHAT! Ivan was the one Alfred thought he had slept with… unwillingly?

"And, er, if you want to date him…I'mcoolwiththattoo." Alfred blurted out looking completely embarrassed. He fidgeted and added, "But no gay buttsex at the house when I'm there, okay? That'd totally give me nightmares."

Ivan shook his head, "I said I was Matvey's boyfriend to Francis. Matvey was very drunk…"

"And it was Francis, say no more." Alfred said sagely. "I'm sure Mattie was like an innocent lamb bleating for a shearing from him."

"Does Francis sodomize sheep as well?"

They all paused to consider that thought.

"Uh… maybe?" Alfred offered with a horrified look, like he'd just eaten slugs and wanted to barf them back up. "But that's not what I meant… never mind. But he did say that you were in the bedroom about to, er, have your way with Mattie."

Matthew barely thought about the sheep at all. He was too busy realizing what an ass he had been to both Alfred and Ivan. They had almost lost their friendship because he had been a drunk wannabe striper, but they both still wanted to protect him. And he had hit Ivan and pulled Alfred's hair.

"I'm sorry." Matthew muttered out miserably. He wanted to crawl in a hole and turn into a bug or something. Again. But at least he'd deserve to be a bug for all the mean and unfair things he'd just done. "I'm so sorry. I was… I was mad about the party… and I drank too much. I didn't… think… Ivan would be coming because I didn't invite him… Because I was upset. And then, I thought… thought everyone was keeping what I'd done at the party a secret… because they were ashamed of me…"

Alfred blinked at him a few times, looking crushed. Matthew was afraid he'd hurt Alfred's feeling for not trusting him.

"You didn't like the party?" Alfred whimpered.

Ivan nodded in understanding, "I believe Francis requires some… what is it you say… whoop ass?"

Alfred snickered at Ivan's pronunciation, "Yup, he needs to be taught you can't fuck with our Mattie."

Ivan gave Alfred a fond glance then smiled at Matthew, humming in agreement. He leaned forward and said like he was laying down a business proposition, "I have an idea."

Matthew opened his mouth to protest then snapped it shut. He hoped Francis would survive.


	17. Chapter 17

Not according to plan, but all is well-ish. I realized I never did have a reward-thingy for the 100th reviewer, so how about rewards for the 147th reviewer? And yes, I totally pulled that out of nowhere.

Oh and much needed love to Fyyrrose for totally hijacking this chapter and bringing you all a much needed update. Oh and Korea, you really need to unblock FF! It's better than having your students fall asleep during class. ~ Love Fyy (PS review or I'll stop the love. Yes, I have that power...and I will use it. ~huggles~)

Chapter Seventeen

Why was he so stupid? Why, why, why?

He glanced down at Ivan's hand in his own and gave a somewhat dopey smile. Oh yeah, that was why. But still, he shouldn't be going along with this plan. He suspected that Alfred and Ivan had united for a common cause and that a strategic war meeting had been held without his presence. Which irked him. And also scared him. He grew up with Alfred, and he knew that for the most part Alfred was very friendly and obliging. Until you pissed him off. Then he beat you half to death and went back to being friendly. That mentality, combined with Ivan's very obvious inability to play nice sometimes, did not bode well for Francis.

And now he was an accessory and an accomplice.

Ivan leaned over, "Matvey will lure Francis out, da? Then we will… talk."

Riiiight.

Talk. In the way the Japanese and Americans talked just before the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Talk just like Germany and Russia did before breaking the Pact of Non-Aggression in WW2. There would be talking alright.

Matthew went through his day, ignoring Alfred and Ivan's stares. He actually hoped for Francis' sake that Francis would stay away. Of course, it was Francis, so that plan was fail. Matthew was ambushed just after lunch.

"_Matthieu_, how are you today?" Francis greeted, giving a quick glance around and smiling broadly. Surprisingly, Gilbert and Toni were nowhere to be seen. An angry, screeching Italian sounded off to the left. Well, there was Toni anyway.

"Hi Francis. I'm doing pretty good. You?" Matthew ducked his head to avoid his eyes giving him away. He felt horrible for what he was going to do. Despite the huge misunderstanding and the irritation he had to go through for the past few days, he really did still like Francis a lot, his pervertedness aside. And it was because of Francis that he had a "boyfriend" of his dreams. So he really couldn't be that upset.

Besides, Francis would've been a nice release if Ivan hadn't interrupted them. And Lord knew Matthew needed a little release since he wasn't getting any from Ivan.

"Ah, very well, thank you for asking. You are so considerate." Francis hummed in appreciation, "Such good manners. And where is your new boyfriend? You should not be so lenient so soon in case he gets bored of you."

Matthew gave a snort and tried to sound disgusted, "I don't know. He's somewhere. Maybe with Alfred." Not totally a lie. Matthew was quite sure Ivan was with Alfred.

"Scandalous! Maybe it is you who will grow bored first, _oui_?" Francis gasped and took the opportunity to place a consoling arm around Matthew's shoulders.

"Maybe. Maybe I need a little more attention," Matthew admitted.

"_Oui, oui,_ of course you do. _Matthieu _is a very sensitive boy." Francis said steering him away from the cafeteria and towards a more secluded area of the university. Matthew almost groaned and rolled his eyes. Could Francis have made it any easier to be ambushed?

It was quite obvious what he had in mind, even Alfred would have been able to deduce what Francis' angle was. And it was quite risky, considering he didn't actually know where Ivan was, just that he wasn't with Matthew at the moment.

"Um… Ivan…" Matthew tried to give a half-hearted warning, partly to act in-character and partly to save Francis some unpleasantness, "Really, you shouldn't mess with him. He's very angry about the other night at the party…"

"Nonsense. Had I known that he accompanied you, there would not have been such a misunderstanding." Francis retorted smoothly, "So it should not be a big problem now. I merely wish to speak with you to ensure your safety. He has quite the reputation on campus, and I am concerned that Alfred is failing to do as he should."

"…You saw the hockey fight?"

"Heard about it through my sources." Francis replied, looking grim, "I do not underestimate your ability to be… tough. In fact, I do so love your… toughness. However, this is not a minor matter to me nor Gilbert. We do not wish to see you hurt."

Way to make Matthew feel worse.

"Franny! Hey, Franny! Oh, hey Matt-Man what's hanging?" Gilbert hurried up, looking excited. Anyone who knew Gilbert knew that when he looked excited it was generally a bad sign. Gilbert tended to get excited when there was chaos or violence or discord of some kind. He hummed some kind of marching tune, one Matthew assumed dated back to some war or another… Gilbert was majoring in Warfare in Contemporary History. Matthew wasn't sure what surprised him more: the history part or the fact that Gilbert held a _respectable _part time job at a local mechanic shop.

Then again, at the rate he was going, he might actually earn his degree within the next decade, considering Ludwig had already finished his technical degree and set up a business as the younger brother.

Matthew'd like to say the other two members of the trio were just as respectable, but Francis… well, he didn't do much other than his Francis things… sexual harassment and welcome sexual activities and um… he was a sex therapist and relationship counseling. Or in training to be one. He was in several of Matthew's classes; that was how they originally met because they had to work on a project together. Toni mostly played soccer and earned pocket cash by tutoring Spanish. He was getting his degree in Linguistics, although most wondered if he shouldn't be an Agriculture major, considering the time he spent in the school gardens and greenhouses and his infatuation with tomatoes.

Alfred, as a joke, showed him a website all about how evil tomatoes were… and to say it didn't go over well was a massive understatement. It floated like a lead weight inside an air tight iron box. But surprisingly, it was Lovino, who happened to be walking by in the library, who flipped out on Alfred. Screaming that the website was a lie and filth and obviously tomatoes were the _best _food in the world. How could anyone live without tomatoes? And that was when Toni decided they were a match made in heaven and began his very rocky effort at convincing Lovino that they were soul mates. Needless to say, Alfred was having more luck with Natalia; at least she didn't headbutt him or scream at him in Italian.

"What is it?" Francis looked mildly cross at being interrupted, but also excited.

"Ha, Alfred and Ivan went at it in the cafeteria right after you left. Food was flying everywhere! It was _awesome_."

Well, that explained why Gilbert had spaghetti hanging from his hair. Matthew had been afraid to ask. And why Ivan and Alfred were having a food fight, well, he was also afraid to ask. They obviously would've left the little lamb to be sheared and served up for dinner while they fought.

**Attempt #1 FAIL.**

"What the hell were you two doing?" Matthew grumbled crossly at home. Both Ivan and Alfred were looking at each other, on the verge of point to the other. "Don't. Okay, why don't we just drop this? Francis is sorry; he was just looking out for me."

"No, Mattie, Francis was looking to _get in you_. Gosh, you're so gullible." Alfred retorted and Ivan nodded in agreement with a little giggle, "Francis is devious like that. He wants a piece of sweet ass, and bro, you've got a sweet ass… not that I was looking or anything. Cuz, gross, but that's what I've been told, okay? Right Ivan? Matthew's got a sweet ass?"

"Matvey has a very nice body." Ivan hummed in agreement, his violet eyes raking over Matthew's form speculatively. "But he is very gullible as well."

Matthew glared. He was so not gullible. He had just been very, very drunk and not lucid. Okay, putting it that way he sounded stupid and gullible to go dancing like a slut with a sexual predator around… but he was an adult and he was sober now!

But the plan proceeded any way.

"Hey Francis, can you help me with my French." Matthew hardly needed help with his French. His mother was French-Canadian, and he had been speaking French since he was knee-high. He liked America and English well enough (although not to the feverish extent Alfred did; he took his immigration to America ridiculously serious to the extent that he had an American flag bed set and patriotic condoms for Godssake), and he was happy his mother loved her American husband. But sometimes it was nice to just talk to someone else in French.

"Ah, certainly _Matthieu_. Shall we speak outside? The weather is magnificent today." Francis said with a slick smile and an incline of his head. Matthew could see how the girls at school called him 'sex on legs' and 'a smooth operator.' The guys weren't nearly so inventive; they mostly just said Francis was a 'hot fuck.' And Matthew would have to agree.

Matthew and Francis settled on a bench and started a conversation in French. The weather was definitely getting winter-ish, as it was too crisp and chilly for fall. Even the trees seemed to have given up and were bare. They spoke about the weather, they talked about class, they talked about food. Somehow the topic of Ivan came up. Francis clucked his tongue and went on a short tirade that started with there were better choices in partners, and he was concerned for Matthew's emotional welfare. It was a strange echo of Arthur's earlier fatherly lecture(s) and Matthew had taken to hiding when he saw Arthur was over; apparently Arthur spent his free time thinking up reasons why Matthew was too good to 'be dating that unstable Russian.' Matthew suspected that Alfred got similar lectures on Natalia.

Matthew spotted Alfred out of the corner of his eye and grimaced. Here goes…

"Waaaaah, Francis, lovely little Lovi rejected me again!" Toni wailed, coming around the corner looking upset.

"Ah, _mon ami_, this is quite normal, _oui_?" Francis said gathering his friend up for a comforting (and rather inappropriate) pat. He turned to Matthew, "Excuse me, I must speak with him."

"No, sure, go ahead."

**Attempt #2 FAIL**

He rolled his eyes later at the 'meeting of war.' Alfred had even drudged up some toy soldiers Arthur had given him as a child to emphasis their positions. He didn't have enough for everyone, so somehow Matthew ended up being represented by a toy hamburger. Since it was coming from Alfred, Matthew took that as a compliment, although he highly doubted that Francis would find a hamburger as bait appealing when he'd rather have a fine steak. Matthew'd like to think of himself as a fine steak.

"Okay, Francis is proving to be tricky. We can't have witnesses, and since Mattie's failing in isolating him for a long time…"

"We were talking for ten minutes! What were you doing?"

"Preparation of the cannon fodder." Alfred said jerking his thumb at Ivan who smiled childishly back, waves rolling off him. The two of them confined together for such a long period of time was taking its toll. Matthew expected another food fight soon. Alfred ignored Ivan and pointed to himself, "And the hero."

"Speed is required." Ivan said, "The plan needs to be simple. It will not fail. Matvey, once more."

With trepidation, Matthew found Francis again. Francis gave him a smile but seemed distracted. He wrote down a few more notes before putting his pen up and glancing at Matthew with a questioning look.

"I do so enjoy your company, _Matthieu_, however I have to question why you continue to seek me out." Francis said bluntly.

Oh shit, what should he say? He couldn't just blurt out, 'BAAA! Ruuun!' or anything. For one, Francis would think he flipped his lid. For two, his co-conspirers would kill him for warning 'the enemy.' But he couldn't lie and say he just wanted to hang out. He dithered speechless, cursing his slow mind. Alfred would have an excuse ready in 2.2 seconds.

"I see." Francis said neutrally, going back to jot down a few more notes. "Did you get the lecture notes from Ab. Psych.? I was… otherwise engaged, and I would be most appreciative if you would lend them to me."

"Oh, sure," Matthew fumbled around, "Here."

"_Merci_, your notes are always so concise. Perhaps I should borrow your notes more often, _oui_?"

Matthew fidgeted nervously. He left like the goat tied up in the rain for the T-rex. He knew an attack was coming, but he didn't know when or where. And there was no guarantee of his safety. He had almost started to relax when he spotted Ivan coming from the opposite direction. He vaguely noticed Lovino and Feliciano watching from behind the librarian desk (Feliciano wasn't a librarian thankfully but tended to hang out with his brother) and groaned. Whatever was going down was going to be all over the school in less than an hour.

Without any preamble, Ivan strode up, grabbed Matthew, and proceeded to do something Matthew had been dreaming of. Well, not _all _the things Matthew had been dreaming up, but the beginning of the things anyway. Matthew leaned into the kiss, trying to concentrate on Ivan and not the fact that all eyes in the library were now watching them. The kiss ended much too soon for Matthew's tastes and had been a little sloppy.

Francis' face was empty but a well-manicured eyebrow was raised slightly. Matthew looked away, feeling like a total jerk and exhibitionist.

"Matvey is mine." Ivan hissed darkly and Matthew was glad there were no pipes in the library.

"_Matthieu _is a big boy. Perhaps you should not refer to him as a possession?" Francis replied coldly and narrowed his blue eyes. He didn't look remotely intimated by the hulking Russian towering over him. He flipped his hair and continued to stare at Ivan, "Needless to say, this was highly unnecessary. Did I not relinquish my claim at the party? And additionally, did I not also apologize?"

Without another word Francis packed up his stuff, handing Matthew's notes back, and walked stiff-backed out the door.

Alfred, who had been lurking by the door, took a parting shot with a rubberband gun. Francis barely paused and stuck his nose up further, not even attempting to stoop to their level. Matthew was sure Alfred would probably have some unpleasant consequences come up in the locker room later.

"I think Francis got the message, _da_?" Ivan remarked cheerfully, "My plan was much better than Alfred's."

"Yes, you've succeeded in letting the whole school know I'm a circus exhibit." Matthew sniped frostily. He felt like an absolute heel about Francis. And as lovely as the kiss was he wasn't sure it was worth the PDA. In front of the Italian twins. The biggest part of blabbermouths in the whole county.

"It is not a problem. You are my boyfriend." Ivan said plainly, clearly not seeing the problem. "I am allowed to kiss you."

"That's not the point." Matthew sighed. He felt like one of those annoying, whiny girls on TV. Kiss me, no don't kiss me! But he didn't want to be kissed out of revenge or kissed as a possession. "Never mind. Are you satisfied?"

"Francis knows now that you are mine. He will not bother you again. So, yes, I am satisfied."

Great.

"Just remember, you're my boyfriend. You need to act like it." Matthew requested, not really sure if what he was saying was going to get through. Ivan looked at him slightly hangdog, like a child who had been scolded. Matthew softened with a smile and grabbed Ivan's hand, clasping them together firmly, "C'mon, let's go to hockey practice."


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Downhill stretch guys! I'm pretty sure I don't need to say this but Michelle=Seychelles & Eduard=Estonia.

Chapter Eighteen

Matthew stuffed the last piece of clothing in his suitcase and zipped it up. He was sure he had everything, but that's what he thought the last three times he zipped it shut. Putting his suitcase by the door, he wandered back towards Alfred's room to see if he was even packing yet. He wasn't. He was too busy chatting on the phone, throwing clothing out behind him, seeking the perfect whatever.

"Al."

Alfred ignored him and laughed into the phone. A sparkly thong flew through the air and hooked on Matthew's glasses. He squeaked and threw it off him. That was so gross.

"Alfred!"

Alfred whipped around, dropping the phone, and glared at Matthew in irritation.

"What?"

"Why aren't you ready?"

Alfred sighed, "I was talking to Toris."

Matthew rolled his eyes. Why did he agree to this? Oh yeah, he loved winter sports. It was almost a race to see who could say yes faster when Roderich invited the twins to his family's mountain ski retreat. Alfred wasn't big on cold but he loved snowboarding even though he'd rather be on the lake in summer.

So he was about to get in a van full of people to spend the weekend of skiing and playing around before Christmas. Roderich had pretty much given Alfred free reign to invite some friends and Matthew wondered if he had realized what a 'few friends' meant to Alfred. Because somehow it turned into Ivan, Katerina, Toris, Natalia, and Feliks. This was in addition to those Roderich had personally invited: Liz, Ludwig, Sophie, and Gilbert (Matthew was sure the latter was purely out of obligation). Luckily the his invites were going in a separate car. Matthew was glad he wasn't going to be stuck in the car with Gilbert, Roderich, and Liz for several hours, and he wondered if they were planning to drug Gilbert.

He hoped so, for everyone's sanity. And Gilbert's braincells.

"Alfred!"

"Yeah, yeah, don't get your panties in a twist." Alfred mumbled dragging out a huge duffel bag. It looked like he decided to bring his sock drawer. Matthew didn't comment on how he was packing light because Alfred would probably beam and take it as a compliment.

The trip up wasn't too bad despite being squished between Ivan and Feliks in the back seats of the van (because the two couldn't be trusted to touch without vicious pinching and whining). Toris and Alfred sat up front, Toris driving of course, and the girls sat in the middle. Alfred wanted to sit in the back and so did Natalia. Ivan had refused to get in the vehicle to until the seating had been rearranged.

"Ooo, such a cute puppy." Katerina cooed over Aster, who thumped his huge tail against the side of her seat. He gave her a sloppy kiss, making her squeal, while both Natalia and Ivan glared at the Great Dane puppy.

"Alfred, why is there a dog in the van with us?" Toris asked.

Alfred laughed, "Because Aster is awesome. And because we have to take him up because Roderich won't let him in their car. Something about too many dogs or whatever."

Matthew could see why Roderich would have a fit about all of Ludwig's dogs. Actually, they were only bringing two of their dogs, Beck and Blackie, but Gilbert whined and pleaded to have 'his' dog come too. But Aster tended to slobber, so it was no wonder he was banished to the van where he wouldn't offend Roderich's sensitivities towards drool goo and dog farts.

Matthew wondered what he would do if he and Liz ever had a baby. He giggled at the idea of Roderich holding the baby at arm's length wearing rubber gloves and a facial mask. Ivan looked down questioningly and Matthew shrugged, struggling to hide his smile. Ivan gave a smile back and Matthew felt warm tickles that made him blush. He snuck his hand into Ivan's, carefully hiding it from Natalia's view, and gave a small squeeze.

Just because they had gotten Francis back, Matthew wasn't quite ready to give up Ivan's rights as boyfriend. He knew Alfred and Ivan had planned a big "break-up" to be staged during the vacation with as many witnesses as possible, but he hoped they would forget their stupid plan.

How'd he get suckered into the master plan of the two most manipulative people in town?

Oh yeah, because he had a handsome, sweet Russian boyfriend at his beck and call. Mostly. Enough. Well, at least in public. He wouldn't mind a bit more action in the private sector. Or a lot more action. Or any action really. Please, please, any action would be good. He could barely keep his hands off Ivan as it was, all he needed was a little encouragement. And much to his frustration, Ivan was chastely patting his head and holding his hand like they were twelve.

He yawned and swayed. He had been too excited about the slopes to sleep much the night before and looking out at the boring mountainside, his eyelids felt heavy. Jerking his head up, he tried to lean back. It made his neck hurt and he ended up leaning forward. Eventually he ended up leaning down towards his lap.

"Matvey," Ivan whispered softly. Matthew's head jerked up and he looked at Ivan blurrily. "Here."

Matthew barely processed Natalia's glare as he gratefully nestled into Ivan's warm side. Feliks was clicking madly on his cellphone, Katerina was sleeping against Natalia, and Alfred was chatting with Toris. Matthew felt safe and comfortable but he felt Ivan's big fingers run through his hair before falling back.

The next thing he knew his head thunked down on the cushioned seat. He whimpered and saw the tail end of Ivan's scarf and Natalia's skirt flash out the door. Followed by a big, happy dog, a big, happy boy, a cross-dresser, and a girl with boobs that would make a cow jealous. Only Toris was left, dutifully turning off the car and pulling the parking brake up.

"We here?" Matthew mumbled and yawned. He wished Ivan had at least unbuckled him before dropping him on his head. Then he wouldn't have had his body practically cut in half by the seat belt.

"Yes," Toris smiled, "I think everyone was getting restless, so it's good we got here when we did. Alfred was about to start serenading with Elvis."

No wonder everyone vacated so quickly. Matthew was forced to marvel at his own mad sleeping skills. He'd probably be bleeding out the ears while he was unconscious. His internal head trauma would kill millions of braincells and he'd snore away.

Yawning again, he staggered out of the van to help Toris with the baggage. He grabbed a few bags, grunting at Alfred's undoubted fifteen outfits, and went towards the door. He almost made it when he felt someone lift the bags off him. He hung on stubbornly, sure it was either Ivan or Alfred (and considering he was doing work, he highly doubted it was Alfred).

"I got it." Matthew said. This seemed to be a nasty backlash to Ivan being his boyfriend. And Matthew had a sinking feeling that somehow it was his fault, but he didn't tell Ivan to treat him like a retarded 4 year old. Suddenly Ivan didn't see him as another equal, independent guy; he saw Matthew as his boyfriend. And for some bizarre reason that made Matthew a weak, ballsless girl who needed the door held open and a jacket to step over puddles. Really, he could definitely sympathize with feminists after this nasty little revelation.

He barely stepped out of the way as Alfred and Feliks tore past. Alfred was laughing obnoxiously and waving a pink something or other around over his head. Feliks was shouting in outrage before he gave up panting and went to whine at Toris about Alfred's behavior.

"We are going ice skating. Would Matvey like to come?" Katerina asked holding a pair of skates with Ivan and Natalia behind her. Matthew wondered if they would've left him to freeze to death in the car if he hadn't woken up. And where'd they get the skates so fast? Surely Roderich didn't just… he looked where Katerina was pointing and saw an entire closet organized with skates.

At the risk of appearing to be a rude, poor boy, his jaw dropped.

Ivan handed him a pair of skates, "12 is Matvey's size, _da_?"

Matthew normally would've thanked him and thought nothing of it, but now he was wondering if Ivan only fetched his skates because that's what boyfriends did. He snatched them somewhat gracelessly and said thank you. Ivan scowled for half a second, probably sensing his insincerity, then teased, "Matvey had quite big feet for such a little body."

"That's why we call him Big Foot." Alfred hooted, streaking past. Matthew wondered who was stupid enough to give him Monster this time. He shook his head, "No one calls me Big Foot, Al."

"We do now!" Zoom. Alfred dove into the closet head first and came out with skates. He then zipped past again before skittering to a stop at the door, fumbling for his gloves and hat.

"Roderich said that they will be arriving later tonight." Toris informed everyone, hanging up. Matthew sort of found it odd that Roderich had invited Alfred (probably he was supposed to invite _Matthew_ but forgot, so he invited them both), yet Toris ended up taking care of all the details, driving, unlocking the hide-away key, and fielding all the communication efforts. And Toris didn't even know Roderich. Or Ludwig. He knew Gilbert (and was not a rabid fan), but who didn't? He idly wondered if this was the story of Toris' life: the doomed responsible one.

It made him feel a tiny bit better.

The group headed down to the pond on the property and were surprised to find several people already skating on it.

"Is that Berwald?" Matthew asked Ivan. He immediately felt stupid for asking. Who else would be over 6 feet of scary and that nimble on the ice unless Berwald had a twin brother.

"Yeah, and there's Tino!" Alfred grinned lecherously, "He's got himself a sweetheart."

Matthew was quite sure that several hefty bets were lost in the instant because Tino was certainly not sucking face with Berwald. Matthew made a note to double check his bet with the bookie because he was sure he was owed some big bucks. And unless it was an open relationship, Tino was having a crazy affair while Berwald accompanied another two figures on the ice.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeey guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuysss!" Alfred screamed at them, waving frantically. He only yelped when he was shot at.

"Who the hell are you?" An angry blonde stormed up the hill with a shotgun. He scowled darkly as Alfred tried to get his gun to look at it. Alfred did seem to have a fascination with weapons of any kind.

"Uh, I'm Toris, and we're Roderich's guests. Who are you?" Toris asked slightly behind Ivan. Ivan peered down unimpressed at the shotgun toting stranger.

"Vash," the guy grunted and lowed his gun out of Alfred's reach. Thank god, Alfred had enough dangerous potential without bullets and firearms. By that time Berwald had wandered up to hulk behind the gun-toting guy. He peered down and mumbled a greeting, "Berwald, these are friends of yours?"

"M'stly."

"Oh, hi guys!" Tino puffed up after the other two. He looked flushed and glanced out of the corner of his eye at the other two that had followed them up. Matthew stared at a girl that looked startlingly similar to the gun-bearing guy. He assumed they were siblings. She hid shyly behind Berwald and the crazy gun-toter, looking at them. The last member of the group wore glasses and looked fairly inconspicuous.

"T-Toris…" he sputtered and turned into a frozen-looking tomato. Toris looked equally stunned, "Eduard, I thought you were with Raivis."

"He went to spend the weekend with Peter." Eduard fidgeted, "I suppose you saw— " he waved his hand in a vague gesture, "Er, this is my boyfriend Tino. Tino, this is my brother Toris."

Tino waved slightly and Toris gave a weak smile. Matthew just wanted to shout in happiness that life wasn't just fucking over him.

"Yeah, yeah, hi everyone: I'm Alfred! Now let's go skate!" Alfred was practically dancing in place until his speech ended. Then he bolted down towards the pond grabbing poor Toris on his way down. Vash grunted and Berwald made one of his weird noises and that seemed to be that.

Matthew sat on the edge of the pond watching everyone, still a little groggy.

He watched as Alfred whirled and bowed to Natalia. She turned her head away but grudgingly held out a hand. He gently seized it and led her across the ice. Despite being a crazy stalker, Matthew had to admit they looked good together. It was a little demoralizing to see his perfectly handsome brother lazily gliding over the ice with a Playboy model-worthy girl on his arm. Then again, she seemed to help him reign in some of his crazier, hyperactive antics. He was… gentler, calmer, more focused. So not the captain of the football team, party animal, barely passing university because he was distracted Alfred that Matthew was used to.

Tino and Eduard decided to forgo any more making out while big brother was around and were skating around talking, hand in hand. Although they looked pretty normal compared to the other couple on the ice. Berwald towered over Vash's sister. He looked like the snow monster about to eat the sacrificial maiden. Until she gave him a little push and a laugh and took off across the ice. He stood there for a moment before taking off after her. Berwald was known on the rink for his slow, methodical defense, so Matthew wasn't surprised to see that he floundered around trying to catch up.

He eyed Toris and Katerina next. Katerina was trying to coax Toris on the ice. He was standing uncertainly on the edge, teetering and waving his arm. Katerina made an encouraging motion and Toris wobbled towards her. He smiled, unsure, looking somewhat like a demented toddler learning to walk while Katerina clapped and giggled. He almost made it to her when he tripped, taking them both down, and landing face first in her cleavage. Matthew watched him struggle to escape the boobpit while slipping and apologizing while Katerina tried to help him by making it worse.

It was revolting and Matthew felt less than generous about the whole thing. He tried to buck it off. He hated feeling so shitty and Scrouge-like. Normally he'd just give a wistful smile and move on, but he was being smothered here, dammit!

"Matvey?"

He jumped ten feet in the air and made a not-squeal in surprise.

"You are going to skate, _da_?"

"In a minute."

Alfred had somehow convinced Natalia to do a complex figure skating dance. Matthew always knew Alfred was more in touch with his feminine side. The closet was a dead giveaway. He half expected Alfred to rip off his heavy winter coat to reveal sparkly red, white, and blue spandex doing a Blades of Glory rendition complete with blinding smile and no underwear. The two synchronized amazingly, making Matthew a little more suspicious about his brother's "football" practice. Matthew was sure that Natalia would never let Alfred participate, which meant he learned all the moves just by watching. Sometimes he was so sickening.

Ivan must have followed his gaze because he rumbled in a tone Matthew couldn't identify, "Alfred and Natalia look good together."

"Want to show them up? With our hockey skills we should at least look decent." Matthew teased, letting himself fall back against Ivan. Ivan tucked his chin down on Matthew's head and sat watching silently.

Matthew decided he didn't like Ivan being so silent and still. He was usually smiling or giggling or fidgeting with his scarf or making some quip.

"C'mon, the worst that can happen is we look stupid." Matthew cajoled. He thought looking stupid was one of the suckiest things that could happen, but he wanted Ivan to perk up. Even if it meant being uncomfortable and more than likely landing on his ass on the ice.

They were just about to take the ice to do something (probably not, much to Matthew's disappointment, hot, close ice tangoing) when a voice rang out across the pond.

"Vaaaaaaaaaaaasssh!"

The gun guy, who was minding his own business (watching his sister like a hawk—Matthew wasn't sure where the shotgun went but he was probably imagining a scope on Berward's broad back), jerked his head up.

Matthew watched as a girl bounded out of the woods making a beeline towards Vash. He looked around for an escape. Matthew was surprised to see that it was Francis' niece Michelle. The logistics of such a thing slightly baffled him, something about Francis being an accident and all his siblings and cousins being older than him, but he remembered Michelle. And that could be problematic for him.

And apparently overt, unwelcome groping ran in the family because she tackled Vash into the snowbank and felt him up. Before he could react she jumped up giggling and bounded back over the snow like some magical snow dolphin to skid out on the ice in her boots and hide behind the sister.

"Michelle," Vash ground out while trying to straighten his clothes. He ripped the scarf from around his eyes and settled it back on his shoulders. "Your hands are cold."

"Were they? Sorry, I didn't even think of grabbing some gloves. Maybe I should tuck them in your pockets until they warm up and we can try again!" Michelle winked. She was definitely related to Francis. And apparently she had set her sights on poor Vash. Matthew knew what a bulldog she could be once she was interested… it had taken a lot to convince her he really was gay and not just playing hard to get.

She peered around at the gathering, suddenly realizing they had an audience, and spotted Matthew. She gave an excited greeting in French and tried to race (skid and flail) over to him. Ivan moved to intercept her, probably fearing he'd be stripped and left for naked, but Matthew patted his arm.

"_Matthieu_!" Michelle chirped brightly, giving him a big hug. Ivan glared. "How are you? Oh, is this your boyfriend? He's hot. Uncle Francis was just speaking of you and your new boyfriend the other day!" Ivan scowled at the mention of Francis and looked like he was ready to pick her up by the pigtail. She seemed to realize this because she sidled around the other side, "He says I should give you a French kiss for him."

Ivan did move then. He lunged forward only to find a shotgun in his face.

"No fighting on my pond." Vash warned lowly, glancing at Michelle. She meekly tucked her head and mumbled a sorry.

Ivan giggled and grabbed Matthew's arm possessively.

Did he have to do this. Every. Single. Time. They. Met. Another. GUY?

Michelle darted forward and pecked Matthew on one cheek then the other. She punched him in the arm and darted away as Ivan giggled again darkly. Vash glared at her but kept his gun trained on Ivan.

"We have so much catching up to do." Michelle smiled and gave Ivan a little wave, "I want to know all about your boyfriend. See if he measures up to my standards. I don't care what Uncle Francis says, you two look cute together."

Matthew had the feeling that the bounty on Francis just grew larger and that he wouldn't appreciate his niece's flippant remarks. He'd be lucky if he could keep his manhood at this rate.

"Were you guys skating?"

Uh, duh.

"Cool. I'll go get my skates! Then everyone will have a partner, right? Vash, be my partner!"

Matthew rolled his eyes. Now they'd never have peace. And Heaven help him if she caught him alone because she'd weasel every dirty little secret out of him that he'd known, dreamed, or thought of. Including his fake relationship and current troubles. The thought was just mortifying beyond belief. He would probably combust if she knew his secret and laughed at him.

Alfred couldn't keep the grin off his face. Natalia had long since abandoned him but he continued to skate in lazy, graceful circles. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate Matthew's love of hockey, he was always up for smashing things, but he had to admit there was something to figure skating. At first, when he had followed Natalia to her sessions, he had scoffed and laughed about how girlie it was, but when he crept on the ice after she left, he learned that it required phenomenal amounts of concentration, power, and finesse.

Trying to get Natalia's attention was quite possibly the hardest thing he'd ever done. He was used to getting his way with a charming smile and a few glib words. He knew he wasn't patient. One of his teachers had likened him to a chipmunk on crack. He had to agree with no small amount of pride. He was a genius of spur-of-the-moment plans and had enough determination to out-stubborn a mule and enough smarts to do just enough work to look good.

So when he launched (with a bit of help) such an intricate plan, he wasn't very confident. Now he was on cloud-nine and eyeballing the others skating around.

He thought he might have gotten somewhere with the kiss he attempted after walking her home from the carnival, at least before she tried to shove his nose up his skull. She was just surprised, he knew. He hoped anyway. It was kind of a stupid thing for him to do, scaring her like that, but he was used to girls wanting a good-night kiss.

His eyes lingered on Toris, who had gained a little bit of confidence. He was giving short, clipped strides to keep up with Katerina's long, smooth ones. She was proving that she wasn't nearly as klutzy as she seemed to be off-ice. He didn't know what Toris' problem was. When Matthew made an off-handed comment about the two, Alfred hooted, not remotely bothered that he hadn't spotted it first. And now he was annoyed at their slow pace. It wasn't like Katerina was going to say no.

He glanced over at his brother. He had to look a couple of times and he forgot what he was doing once or twice as he avoided the trigger-happy Vash, who was accompanying his sister. Sometimes he wondered how he and Mattie were even related, looks aside.

Mattie was so quiet and… sarcastic. Geez, and get him mad and that was it. He would hold it against you forever, even if he pretended he didn't. And he saw things in people that Alfred only felt. He used his brain when Alfred just acted. But working with Natalia made Alfred notice some things about his brother and he wasn't sure he liked them.

He momentarily dropped his smile and frowned a little. What was the hang up? He'd practically handed Ivan over on a platter. And now Matthew was moping on the sidelines while Natalia dragged Ivan around by the scarf. Literally. Alfred thought the blue shade was pretty unattractive on the big guy. It made him even paler.

He made towards his brother, dodging Tino and his geeky looking boyfriend, but was cut off by Michelle. She gave him a wide, bright smile and he had to grin back. As often as Francis got on his nerves, he was pretty fond of Michelle. Granted, they only managed to go on three dates before deciding to go separate ways.

"Hey there, buster. I see you've got a new girl." Michelle teased and gave a mock sniffle, "So quick to replace me."

"I wish she was mine." Alfred responded, glancing longingly over at Natalia and Ivan. Ivan was trying to keep his balance and keep her at arms' length, "We're just friends."

"Uh-huh. And that's the look you give a friend you want to have some benefits with."

"You're so nosy." Alfred laughed loudly, "Who are you driving crazy now?"

She sighed and stumbled on the ice. He leaned forward to catch her, not noticing Natalia's icy look, and held on until she straightened, giggling.

"Oh, you know. I'm doing the solo thing right now. There are some guys I've got my eyes on, but, you know. I'd really like to get into Gil-Gil's pants but Uncle Francis had a cow. Vash is pretty cute when he's not being a jerk." Michelle waved her hands and almost fell again. Alfred held out his hand and she gratefully took it.

Once he escorted her to the safety of the snowbank, she gave him a curtsy and whispered, "What's the deal with Mattie? He's being so mopey."

Alfred blinked. Damn, he'd forgotten Matthew again. That's what he had been doing. He was going to go pester his brother. It wasn't his fault Matthew blended into the background.

The two of them shifty stared at the subject of their covert conversation. He was sitting on a frozen bench, very un-Matthew like when there was ice to skate on, and staring off into space. A small frown was stuck on his face.

Michelle followed his blank gaze and she frowned too.

"So Uncle Francis wasn't kidding, huh?" Her dark eyes tracked Ivan across the ice. He had managed to get away from Natalia and had stolen Katerina away from Toris. The siblings gracefully crossed the ice, oblivious to their audience. "So what's the problem? They're dating and Francis said he's pretty damn good in the sack… oh my god, you don't think he beats Mattie, do you?"

Alfred scowled, wincing at the comment on his brother's sex life- he so did not want to know that, "No. Ivan's not… he wouldn't do that to Mattie. He can be a prick and he's, uh, been threatening before, but he wouldn't hurt Mattie."

"You don't sound so sure."

Alfred shook his head. It wasn't just that he didn't think Ivan wasn't capable of it… he was quite sure of the opposite. There had been a several times where he had seen Ivan's temper. There were a few times he had been on the receiving end of it when he jabbed some hidden button too hard as well. He just didn't think Matthew would put up with it for very long. Matthew wasn't as big of a pushover as everyone assumed; Alfred knew first hand.

Plus, he had seen Ivan at the party. He got the feeling that Ivan didn't take care of other people very often. No, Ivan had been treating Matthew the same way he would've Katerina. And Alfred was sure he wouldn't be graced with the same treatment if he had been as dumb as Matthew.

"Well, then what's the problem?"

Alfred shrugged. The hell if he knew. Matthew was a complete mystery to him most of the time. He was like Alfred's opposite, so who knew what went through his curly blonde head. Alfred was sure that Matthew was the problem and not Ivan. Ivan was… well, being Ivan… whatever that meant.

Michelle watched the ice for a few more minutes then grimaced, "Uh, I think your not-girlfriend is plotting my death."

"Natalia's too wrapped up with Ivan to notice."

"Then why is she glaring at us like she wants to stab me?"

Alfred looked up. Sure enough Natalia was posed several yards away, her hair whipping slightly in the chilly wind and a frown on her pretty face. He felt his heart do a little fluttery thing, the thing it only did for her, and an unconscious grin made its way across his face. He waved back and she looked away. Within moments Matthew and Ivan were out of his head.

He bounded forward, hitting the ice with a small slip. He laughed and skated up to her feeling like a ridiculous puppy.

"Heya, Nat, you look beautiful. Ice and snow really suit you." He praised, meaning every word. While Ivan looked washed out and unhappy in the snow, Natalia seemed to be in her element. The ice made her look elegant, untouchable, perfect.

He was sure he looked like an utter idiot but he didn't care.

"Has she finished with you?" Natalia asked, looking past him at Michelle, who was cornering Matthew.

Alfred choked.

"All done. She's not too good with ice skating, so I was just doing the heroic thing and helping her out." Alfred explained slowly, reminding himself Natalia had no idea what she implied, but still smiling brightly.

He was hoping she would skate with him again. He wondered if she knew how to snow ski. He and Matthew were definitely going to hit the slopes tomorrow. He hated snow and he hated cold, but he loved skiing and skating. He even went through a snowboard phase as a teenager. It'd be nice if she didn't; then he could teach her like Katerina did Toris.

Natalia's pale blue eyes relaxed a little.

"So long as you are finished." Natalia replied blandly but didn't look away like she normally would. He continued to smile and wait patiently. She relaxed a little more and added, "Perhaps you could show me other routines?"

"Of course!" Alfred whooped exuberantly, any remaining thoughts of Matthew, Ivan, or Michelle clearing his head at light speed. And he completely missed Michelle's wide grin as she pointed at them while talking to Matthew.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Thanks for the numbers… hope you enjoy reading this monster as much as I did writing it (and I'm so NOT responsible for any crack in here… y'all did it on your own this time!).

Chapter Nineteen

God Matthew hated Alfred right now, and it wasn't just the jealousy speaking. He knew somehow that Alfred was the root of his current problem, which came in the form of an overly-nosy and zealous Michelle.

He had managed to avoid Michelle the night before and all day on the slopes. They only reason he was trapped now was because everyone had to come in because Roderich said there was a snowstorm warning in effect. He couldn't even guarantee they'd be allowed to ski tomorrow until the local patrols made sure there were no avalanche problems. Matthew had a blast skiing and he had been looking forward to another few days of losing himself on the slopes. Where he could wiggle out from under Ivan's possessive stares and actions for a few hours, race Alfred and Tino, and hang out with Vash (who was surprisingly good company because he seemed to be the only one who could shut up on occasion) and Ludwig. Thankfully both Ivan and Michelle were forced to lurk on the easier hills (in Michelle's case the bunny hill).

So now they (in addition to some invited and uninvited guests) had headed inside for some hot chocolate and relaxation. Ha, like Matthew would get any of that with his unwanted little leech at his side. She probed him relentlessly about Ivan. What was his favorite color? What did he like to eat? Why did he wear a scarf inside? Did Matthew think his eyes were pretty? Boxers or briefs? What did Matthew treasure about him the most? Did Matthew have sex with him yet?

He sputtered at the last one, turning bright red and shouting (whispering) that it was none of her business. She just laughed and said he better get to it.

He was so hiding Alfred's comic book collection when they got back because he was sure Alfred had spilled something to her.

She didn't stop hounding him, only temporarily getting sidetracked by Vash and Roderich's somewhat stiff ("UST! Big time!") greeting. She made eyes at Gilbert, which made Matthew almost gag, but luckily the egomaniac didn't notice or they'd never hear the end of it. Literally, because Gilbert was a screamer and there was no way this lodge was big enough to muffle that sound.

Abruptly, she disappeared. One minute she was chatting merrily and the next she was across the room with the evident intention of talking to Ivan. Ivan was doing his usual sit-like-a-child routine when he was in the presence of a lot of strangers. More than likely he was sulking because everyone spent the day out in the cold. Matthew knew he hated the cold, even though he was sure that the cold here was a tropical vacation compared to some places in Russia. His violet eyes were trained on Gilbert, who had found beer somewhere and was teasing Ludwig with it, but it was obvious to Matthew most of his attention was on Alfred and Natalia. And none of it was on Matthew.

It was as if he didn't exist.

"Michelle!"

She ignored Matthew, although considering she didn't turn her head maybe she didn't even hear him, and pranced just out of Ivan's immediate reach.

"Hi." She chirped at Ivan leaning forward with her hands behind her back. He shifted his attention towards her, a tight smile on his lips. She didn't seem to notice, but Matthew had been observing Ivan closer than a half-crazy entomologist would a rare species of dung beetle for the last few months. Ivan was radiating displeasure and an interrogation wouldn't make him any happier.

"What do you think about Matthew?"

Ivan, who had been on the verge of giving Michelle his version of a dressing down, sat there with his mouth open. Everyone else was still babbling, not really paying attention. Matthew wanted to step forward, but he was frozen.

Ivan slowly came back to life and gave an indulgent chuckle, "Matvey is my boyfriend."

"But what—mmm!" Alfred popped up with a victory pose and threw Michelle at Gilbert with a smirk. Gilbert dropped his beer as she cannonballed into him, starting a loud squabble, dragging several other people into the row.

Matthew's eyes threatened to pop out of his head. Did Alfred… just… read the atmosphere?

"Hahaha, Michelle, you're such a klutz! It was just a little shove and you're not even drunk yet. Now you owe Gilbo a beer." Alfred cackled and Matthew hung his head, maybe not, "I think we should play a game, and you're the best at coming up with fun stuff."

"Hmm," she tapped her lips looking around. "Well, I guess we could play Monopoly or cards or something."

"Lame." Gilbert snorted, grinning at the fact that she had perched herself on his knee.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll…"

Abruptly the lights flickered twice before dying. Everyone sat in the dark for a second before a dozen cellphones flipped open, bathing the area in an eerie blue light. Vash took the time to go fiddle with the gas fireplace and Matthew was glad because he was sure he heard the massive central heater shudder into hibernation. Great.

Michelle's voice piped up again, "That kinda limits it. Why don't we play something simple?"

"Like what?"

"Spin the bottle!" she giggled.

Matthew thought that was the stupidest idea ever sober. But Alfred chuckled and Gilbert cackled and all the girls present (counting Feliks but not Natalia anyway) giggled with excitement. He had a sinking feeling the sensible people in the room were outnumbered and outgunned. Because, in his experience, women won when games were involved. They just did.

So when it was put to vote (Matthew grumbled about almost not getting a vote because they skipped him), he wasn't surprised when it was 8 to 9. He was surprised that Ivan was the last vote and he chose to play. Then he wondered if Ivan knew what spin the bottle was… oh shit.

Michelle set them up in a big circle, the gas fireplace blazing merrily to the side, and went off to retrieve a bottle. Matthew sat glumly wedged between Ivan and Alfred, who were bickering over his head.

"Hey there missy, what're the rules? Cuz, uh, I'm not from Alabama or anything." Alfred called to Michelle when she returned with her insidious prop of doom.

"Oh, if it hits _Matthieu_, then you have to do it!"

Ivan turned questioningly towards Alfred who was gagging and looking at Matthew like he was covered in pockmarks. Matthew stuck his tongue out back and felt a little ill. It wasn't like once upon a time he and Alfred hadn't mock kissed for "practice" but they were like nine! He hadn't touched his brother with his lips in years (mostly out of an empty fear of contracting something).

Vash slammed his hand down, "I refuse to play by those rules."

"Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Incestual relations are strictly optional. Happy now?" Michelle pouted and set the bottle down in the middle.

Gilbert yawned from across the circle where he lounged between Ludwig and Liz. He caught Matthew's look and pointed at himself then at Matthew then winked. Matthew flushed, quite sure that was a natural disaster waiting to happen. He didn't trust Gilbert to keep his tongue (or hands) to himself with permission.

"That's so lame. We need to spice it up to make it more awesome! Penalties and such for losers who don't play by the rules!" Gilbert cackled.

"Oh, and you'd do it to Ludwig if the bottle landed on him?" Alfred shot back smugly.

Gilbert blinked and propped himself up a little further. A leer spread across his face and before his unsuspecting brother could escape, he launched himself on top of the strict German. By the time he was done violating Ludwig's surprised lips, the girls were all laughing and Alfred was gagging. Ludwig shot his brother an irritated look and wiped off his lips but didn't say anything because a bright red flush was cutting around his cheeks.

"I don't need a bottle to do that because I'm the Awesome Me." Gilbert replied with a toothy grin. "I kiss mine, you kiss yours?"

Ivan now looked thoroughly perplexed and a little uneasy. Matthew just hid a small smirk. He had wanted to play after all.

"Alright boys, save it for the game." Michelle commented and Liz shushed her, "No, they can do it now. We don't mind! Twincest is hot!"

"How about the penalty is you have to stand outside?" Tino offered and Matthew glared at his captain. He was so on the evil side. Not that Matthew would mind standing outside; it wasn't THAT cold out. But the fact that Tino was cheerfully cooperating with the bane of sanity and all that was unsafe… he was just a traitor.

"Buck naked!" Gilbert whooped and Alfred grinned in agreement. Of course the two most promiscuous kissers would be in agreement. Matthew rolled his eyes. Even he might mind it if he had to stand outside naked!

"It's too cold for that." Sophie piped up, "And the game would be over too soon. How about for every one you refuse, you have to take off one piece of clothing? And do a lap to the van and back?"

Gilbert grumbled but everyone agreed that was probably more sensible and NOT hypothermia inducing. Matthew didn't mind the cold but he wasn't really that keen on stripping down to his boxers in front of an audience. In fact, there were only two people he'd really like to see him under his boxers in the room and both of them had agreed to this ludicrous game.

"So you strip until you're naked?" Gilbert asked hopefully, giving a sly grin at his brother. Ludwig glared back and clutched his pants. Sophie just laughed at the two and gave Ludwig a reassuring pat on the arm. He glared at her too. Roderich joined him.

It was uncanny how similar the two of them looked when backed into a corner.

"Yup, but by then you might as well just go outside and build an igloo because why even bother to play?" Michelle asked and rolled the bottle towards Tino.

Because you're a bunch of out of control psychos? Matthew wanted to say. He wasn't wearing a lot of clothing right now. He didn't even have slippers on, just socks, boxers, a flannel shirt, and some loose pants. Ivan was in the same boat, looking completely unaffected by the cold, as was Tino and Eduard. Alfred on the other hand was bundled up under long underwear, a shirt, a jacket, pants, three pairs of socks, and dead fake beaver slippers.

Tino expertly spun the bottle and they all stared as it whirled around several times. Matthew stared as it slowed down, inching towards him and Ivan. He had a sneaking suspicion that Tino hadn't even _tried_ for Eduard or Berwald (although Matthew maybe didn't blame him on the last one…).

He groaned as it inched and slowed pointing towards his side of the circle. It wasn't like he had anything against Tino, and if it hit him he could spin next, but he really just wanted to keep his lips to himself. Unless it was Ivan; then he was more than willing to share.

"Looks like it's you and me, Matthew." Tino laughed lightly, his blue eyes crinkled in amusement. He was so with the Devil. He leaned forward and whispered, "I've always wondered if your lips were as soft as they looked…"

It was at that point Matthew was sure Tino had a drink or two. He was always a little creepy (flirtatious?) when he'd had a couple. But Matthew was a bit flattered and briefly considered Tino, but he was so not Matthew's type.

Matthew closed his eyes as Tino's lips slid over his own. He was right; Tino's breath had a slight tinge of alcohol to it. The kiss was brief but hardly chaste. Matthew's mouth tingled as Tino pulled back, licking his lips and looking pleased with himself. He flicked the bottle at Matthew and crawled back across the circle.

Liz whooped.

Matthew blushed brightly, touching his lips lightly. He snatched up the bottle to hide his flush and threw it in the middle of the circle. It careened rather ungracefully, compared to Tino's controlled spin, before slamming to a stop at Berwald's feet. Matthew gulped softly and wondered which would be the better part of valor… stripping his shirt and baring his white chest to the world or kissing the most dangerous guy on the hockey team.

Ivan, who seemed to have caught on to the basic premise of the game, was giving Matthew a childish smile, clearly amused by Matthew's hesitance. Well, maybe he wasn't afraid of Berwald, but Matthew couldn't help but have his insides freeze every time Berwald glared (or blinked or shifted or stood up…).

"Hurry up Matt-Man! Let's get on with the game."

Matthew scurried to pick up the bottle and made the mistake of looking up. Berwald glared down at him looking like a homicidal killer wolverine. With a completely manly squeak, Matthew ripped off his shirt and threw it to the side. Gilbert wolf-whistled and Alfred laughed.

"Real men don't back down!" Alfred laughed and Matthew glared. Berwald looked down cluelessly as Matthew handed him the bottle. The big man shrugged, accepting that Matthew wasn't going to kiss him (and did he look relieved? Matthew was a little insulted!).

Berwald spun the bottle and Liz squealed with glee as it pointed towards Roderich. No doubt she was imaging Berwald topping the hell out of her stuffy boyfriend. Her squeal died as the bottle did one last jerk and landed squarely on her. She gave a sheepish smile at Berwald. He glared back. Her smile wavered a little and Matthew smirked. Berwald continued to glare and Liz meeped. He wouldn't be the only one losing some clothing here.

Liz gulped and leaned forward. Berwald watched impassively as she worked up her courage. She glanced at Roderich, who almost looked pleased (or he was getting turned on—but Matthew didn't want to think about that). Pressing her lips to Berwald's, she held the kiss for a moment before giggling and snatching up the bottle.

While Matthew had been watching the antics of his fellow inmates in this snowy asylum, he failed to notice Ivan sneaking up on him. He jumped when the edge of Ivan's scarf swung against his bare back and gave a watery smile towards the curious Russian. Ivan had issues with personal space, not that Matthew was complaining, and he was leaning over Matthew's shoulder, watching the proceedings with interest.

"Perhaps I will be allowed to spin the bottle." Ivan laughed softly, his words puffing against Matthew's shoulder and neck, "This game is very pointless, like most American games seem to be; however, it is very amusing."

"Yeah, well, you didn't have to kiss Berwald." Matthew mumbled and Ivan smiled against his back making him shiver a little, "Nor did you, my little one. I would much rather kiss Matvey in any case."

And Matvey would much rather that be the case too. As it was, Matthew jerked out from under Ivan and sighed, reminding himself that Ivan was just playing around. He wasn't Matthew's real boyfriend and he was probably hoping to spin the bottle so he could molest Alfred. It obviously hadn't occurred to him yet that Natalia could get her hands on the bottle and doom him to a soul-sucking experience. Well, hopefully that wouldn't happen because it was way too cold for even Ivan outside.

Liz spun the bottle after giving a wink toward Berwald. It rolled and pointed to Vash, who was seated on the other side of his sister next to Roderich. The scowling, blond stared at the bottle as if it were a gun (actually, he'd probably rather it was a loaded gun) and shook his head.

"Hell no. I am not kissing that woman!" Vash yelled in outrage and jumped to his feet. He crossed his arms across his chest and scowled down at Liz, who was more than happy to make kissy faces at him and grin. The fact that she was getting such a violent reaction only spurred her on (and this is why Matthew was sure women were evil).

Liz giggled and suggested slyly, "I'd let you kiss Roderich instead, if you don't want girl cooties."

Vash went entirely red, although Matthew wasn't sure if it was mortification or outrage, and abruptly ripped off his socks. He threw them down in front of him and huffed. Matthew had the feeling he was going to be shirtless on his next spin.

"No?" Liz pouted and Michelle and Heidi giggled. Vash growled and snatched up the bottle, muttering under his breath. He threw the bottle down, probably hoping to break it. It happily bounced on the padded rug and whirled like a drunk turtle.

Matthew instinctively shrank back as it came to his side of the circle. Tino wasn't a bad choice, but he didn't want to have to forfeit another piece of clothing because he had terrible luck with scary blonds.

It rolled past and he breathed in relief (as did Alfred—despite how much he was catcalling, he didn't seem to eager to suck face with most of the guys in the circle). The bottle stopped on Toris. Well, if there was anyone who was bound to have worse luck than Matthew, it'd be the poor massage therapist. Matthew wondered how many times Natalia or Ivan had tried to push him down the slopes today. He had eventually disappeared into the lodge only to emerge with food and drink for everyone.

Vash stared at Toris. Toris' green eyes peered back from under his bangs. His hands were neatly folded in his lap, waiting for Vash's decision. Vash scowled darkly and peeled his sweater off and dumped it on his socks.

"Party pooper!" Gilbert yelled, "Go do a lap in the snow! It ain't like your package is going to get any smaller! Woah, be careful where you point that thing… you might misfire…"

Vash gave up in disgust, tucking the small pistol in his back belt and rolling the bottle towards Toris. Toris looked at the bottle with trepidation before giving it a nudge. It wobbled slightly and picked up a little speed before dying halfway across the circle.

Matthew thought the look on Ludwig's face was priceless. Obviously this was a much better scenario than he was expected (he probably thought Gilbert would have another go). He was probably the first one to actually look _happy_ about his partner. Toris on the other hand regarded the strict German warily. Or he did until Ivan leaned back his way and then he scrambled to the center of the circle to evade the Russian's hands.

Awkward did not begin to describe the kiss but both parties flamed red and retreated with minimal fuss. Michelle sighed and said something about when was it going to be her turn and this was so boring, where was the tongue?

Matthew snuck a look out of the corner of his eye at Ivan. Ivan for his part had his hands clasped in front of him and was watching the bottle with a small smile on his face. The smile started creeping wider and wider as the bottle came closer and he practically looked like he was watching the wheel on the Price is Right to win a boatload of cash.

"I do believe it is my turn, _da_?" Ivan purred at Ludwig, who looked less than thrilled. This was probably what he was afraid of before. Actually, he looked a little ill at the thought of kissing Ivan, although his stoic demeanor only waivered a tiny bit.

Liz had gotten the camera out.

"Don't be such a pussy, West!" Gilbert hooted, "Give us a show with the russki! Show him what you learned from all that porn under your bed!"

Ludwig shot his brother a dirty look and Alfred snickered while the girls looked interested. Matthew knew all about Ludwig's massive porn collection (it was all Alfred—well, mostly Alfred… and maybe some Gilbert—it didn't matter how Matthew knew Ludwig had a porn collection with dogs!). Suddenly he was picturing Ludwig in a secret police uniform, complete with whip, standing over a defiant Ivan in a tight, skimpy leather outfit. Shaking his head, he cleared that disturbing picture. It was hard to see Ludwig as doing something that kinky.

Right… right? Yeah.

Ivan giggled gleefully and grabbed Ludwig's neck loosely. He pulled Ludwig forward, holding him steady with his big hands, and pressed a harsh, demanding kiss on Ludwig's lips. Instead of backing down, the German fought back, his hands curled into Ivan's coat. The two liplocked, Ludwig's perfect hair getting mussed and Ivan's coat being wrinkled, before they had to break for air. Blue eyes locked with violet eyes before Ivan reluctantly let go. Apparently he wasn't fast enough and was nipped for his troubles, making him cross.

"Ah, if you would like to play so rough and aggressively, I am sure that we could find… a private place to do such things." Ivan chided, dabbing his abused lips with two fingers. He picked up the bottle from beside him, smile restored, and gave it a hard spin.

Matthew started wishing and praying and begging for it to land on him. He hadn't kissed Ivan since getting Francis back and that was way too long ago. If the bottle landed on him, he promised Michelle would get a show and some tongue… he could always say he was just giving him boyfriend a little extra affection.

"The fuck? That is so unawesome!" Gilbert squawked in surprise and disgust. He actually even leapt to his feet when he said it and glared with his finger pointed at Ivan, "He'll eat my face or some disgusting shit like that. Then the Awesome Me will be disfigured!"

"Perhaps it would be an improvement?" Ivan chuckled, his voice giving off creepy vibes and his eyes crinkled in pained amusement.

"Brother, 'don't be a pussy' I believe is what you said." Ludwig reminded Gilbert. Externally he looked the same as ever, but Matthew was sure he was doing mental fist pumps of karmatic glee.

"Yeah, you rabble rouser. Pay your dues." Vash added smugly, "Or do you not have a 'package' at all?"

Sophie and Roderich both looked mildly concerned. Alfred moved forward then changed his mind. Natalia sneered and Michelle gave a little laugh. Matthew just hoped both parties would mutually agree to strip and spare everyone the backlash. It couldn't be pretty.

Gilbert's face twisted into a sneer and he sighed in defeat.

"The Awesome Me is too awesome to be beaten by a stupid game!" he proclaimed loudly, "And this sweater is super comfy. But I am so top."

Ivan giggled darkly.

"If you need to gather your courage, take as much time as you require." Ivan said serenely, his eyes glinting dangerously.

"How 'bout we up the ante." Gilbert smirked and Ivan raised a brow, "You know, make the reward better. Winner gets to wash the taste of the loser out of their mouth with a person of their choice. No more of this bottle shit."

"That sounds pleasing enough. Although I hardly require a reward to win over you." Ivan replied, his hand whipping out at impossible speeds. He slammed Gilbert behind the knees and the albino went down with a crash. The two grappled angrily across the circle, making several people jumped on the furniture to get out of the way.

Matthew just narrowed his eyes. He wasn't about to have his mouth plundered by whoever won. He wasn't stupid; he knew who Gilbert meant. And judging by Alfred's stony expression, he wasn't the only one.

For a moment the two were an indistinguishable mass of flailing limbs. It ended with Ivan being straddled by Gilbert. Gilbert had both hands in a deathgrip on Ivan's scarf and his boots dug into the rug by Ivan's armpits. He was leaning over, kissing furiously, ignoring Ivan's hands on his throat and hair. With a muffled grunt, Ivan used his bulk to dislodge Gilbert, somehow keeping their lips connected in the process, and pushed him back against on coffee table.

"Want to fuck me into the table?" Gilbert hissed darkly through the kiss, "Because that's what I'll be doing to your sweet boyfriend tonight while you go play with his stupid brother."

Ivan gurgled a little around his tightening scarf and bit Gilbert's lip hard enough to make it bleed. Gilbert snarled, slamming their teeth together. At this point several people had gotten up the nerve to at least attempt to separate the two combatants. Ludwig grabbed his brother's scruff and yanked while Alfred was trying to free Ivan and pull him away. Liz's camera was going bonkers and Matthew wondered in the back of his mind if it was going to explode from overuse.

Gilbert sat with blood streaming down his face glaring at Ivan. Ivan looked back with a victorious smile.

"You haven't won, you fucker, so don't give me that shitty grin!"

"Ah, I would prefer not to _kill_ over a harmless game." Ivan said, giving a meaningful glance at the three big dogs that had been watching the action from over by the fireplace. Immediately they leapt up and made a bee-line for Gilbert. He barely had time to yelp before he was covered. Ludwig commanded the dogs off while Alfred hooted.

Ivan looked at Matthew and Matthew felt his chest tighten. Ivan could kiss anyone; he was obviously going to pick Alfred. He never turned down an opportunity to kiss Alfred when he could get away with it (Alfred kind of snakebit himself by explaining mistletoe to Ivan—who then purposely scoped out every doorway Liz had covered and proceeded to lure Matthew's oblivious brother into every single one).

Alfred let go of Ivan and turned to say something to Natalia, who looked ready to take on what was left of Gilbert. Her furious expression didn't diminish at Alfred's calming arm-flailing gestures, but neither Ivan or Gilbert noticed.

Ivan took a few steps towards Matthew and Matthew felt his blood pressure shooting through the roof. Ivan was coming over to him. Ivan was leaving Alfred and choosing him. Ivan was going to kiss him! For the moment he forgot he hating being a prize and really just wanted to be ravished. Ivan would tilt back his head and slid his tongue in demandingly while Matthew would gasp and arch at the sensation. It wouldn't matter that everyone was staring or that Alfred and Gilbert would be glaring; he wouldn't notice any of it.

Unfortunately, Ivan merely sat down back in his spot and fussed with his scarf angrily. Matthew bit back a cry of frustration and let his head thunk down in his lap. His stupid, soft, little heart had gotten his hopes up and it betrayed him. Of course Ivan wasn't going to pick him. He just wanted to win over Gilbert, that was all.

"Michelle, why don't you spin next? While Ludwig gets Gilbert cleaned up." Sophie suggested, holding onto Beck to keep him from going after the retreating pair.

Michelle glanced up from her phone and grinned sheepishly. She mouthed 'Uncle Francis' and tucked the phone back into her cleavage.

She waited while everyone got back in the circle, giving Ivan a hard frown, and gave the bottle a hearty spin. She giggled at Eduard's face. His nose was wrinkled up and he gave Tino a pleading look. It was clear that if the electricity were on and he had some other form of distraction, he wouldn't even be playing.

"Alright, here's to some tongue!" Michelle chirped. Eduard's eyes widen and he hastily threw his jacket down. Michelle pouted, "No fair."

Eduard picked up the bottle and gave it a weak twist. He sighed in relief and Katerina bounced up, clearly happy to participate finally. She did her usual death boob dive, much to Eduard's surprise, and ended up clobbering him.

"Sorry, they are just so heavy." She apologized sheepishly, trying to tuck her massive assets to the side. Eduard cleared his throat and looked away, nervously casting glanced at Ivan and Natalia. Once she got them straightened out, he offered her a chaste peck to the lips and handed her the bottle carefully.

Matthew hoped the bottle would land on Toris. The poor guy could use a break almost as much as Matthew could. But apparently it was kick the underdog in the crotch day because the bottle barely missed Toris and landed on Tino instead.

Tino was a little more prepared for her topheaviness and caught her on the shoulders. Which was actually kind of funny to see, considering he was a few inches shorter than she was. He reached up and gave a nice kiss that lingered probably a little too long.

"This is such a fun game!"

He spun it again, clearly pleased that he got to play another round. The bottle landed on Vash, who predictably lost his pants. Vash grabbed the bottle and hurled it harder at the ground. Unfortunately, all it did was bounce towards Sophie.

Matthew was expecting him to come out clad in his boxers, but surprisingly he managed to give her a begrudging kiss on the cheek. Michelle raised a fuss about legitimacy, but no one really wanted to challenge Vash when they knew he had (a least one) a gun on him.

Ludwig came back sans Gilbert. Sophie asked and Ludwig shook his head. Liz made an unladylike snort at the situation and Matthew felt a little guilty. He hadn't made the two fight, he couldn't even stop them from fighting if he wanted, but he still felt like Gilbert's wounds were partly his fault.

Sophie spun the bottle and clapped delightedly when it landed on Ludwig. He blushed fiercely as Michelle catcalled for some tongue and everyone stared. Ivan was fidgeting next to Matthew, maybe hoping he would get another crack at Ludwig, and Alfred was whispering (which mean talking normally for most people) to Natalia.

Sophie tugged his face down to her level and whispered something to him. Ludwig immediately flushed darker and opened his mouth to retort. She took advantage of his lapse of attention to claim his lips and slip in some tongue. He slowly melted into the kiss, slowing down the pace with gentle pressure. She sighed into his lips before pulling away.

Matthew felt somewhat like a perv. It was one thing to watch two near-strangers give pecks on the lips in good fun. But watching a real kiss being exchanged made him feel like he was invading on their privacy, and it made jealous wiggle in his gut. He wanted Ivan to be the one kissing him gently in front of everyone, showing everyone that they belonged together and needed each other. The fantasy made him sick and he shoved it away roughly.

"I think we will retire for the evening." Sophie remarked, tugging Ludwig to his feet and softly calling the dogs. The jealousy gnawed a little harder as Sophie handed the bottle to Liz and they disappeared into the backrooms.

"At least someone's getting some action." Michelle whooped cheerfully, moving aside for Gilbert to come back into the circle. He snorted, "Yeah right. Those two are like an old married couple. It's past their bed time."

"Uncle Francis says good for you." Michelle told Gilbert. Gilbert smirked, almost reopening his busted lip, and snorted, "Francis is probably weeping like a woman, missing out on all the action."

"Well, that too. Good thing there's a blizzard or he'd drive up here to protect _Matthieu_ himself. Since you failed. His words, not mine."

Gilbert gave a mock sigh, "With unawesome friends like that, who needs enemies?"

"Spinning now!" Liz said, handing Roderich the camera. He was looking extremely unhappy… or at least more than usually, with his brows pinched and a frown on his face. He probably wasn't too happy about all the blood and banging.

Eduard looked at Liz and forfeited his undershirt without any fuss.

He grabbed the bottle and spun it.

Matthew wasn't really paying attention to the bottle anymore. He was getting a little bit tired from such a long day and if it wasn't Ivan spinning (or Gilbert or Alfred—the latter he wanted to avoid kissing) then he really wasn't too interested.

"Let's get this over with." Eduard sighed and Michelle and Liz complained how he'd rather strip than kiss them but would smooch Matthew. Matthew thought that was rather sensible of him, unless he wanted to be running a penalty lap in boxers and socks.

"Think of it as an indirect Tino kiss." Matthew felt stupid saying it but Eduard perked up a little at the prospect.

The kiss was very perfunctory and boring and Matthew was extremely grateful. He hoped he could do this last spin and be done for the night. He was still holding out hope he could hit the slopes again tomorrow. Or failing that he knew there were plastic disks in the back shed and Alfred would be perfectly happy to spend hours racing him down the hills up against the lodge. He was taking full advantage of this winter vacation come hell or blizzard.

Snatching up the bottle, Matthew carelessly flung it, putting more thought into how he was going to slip away to his room.

"Nooo!" Alfred's shriek of despair brought him back to reality. A sickening, twisted, hateful reality intent on gutting him. "That's so not cool!"

"Y-yeah." Matthew whispered in agreement, his eyes wide with fear for his abdominal cavity. Natalia stared back at him unblinking. He was pretty sure by now she understood the mechanics of the game, so he had no idea why she was so calmly watching him like a hawk watching a rabbit doing the hula. Entertainment value? That was more Ivan's style.

"Um, er, eh?" Matthew fumbled smoothly. He didn't hate Natalia but that didn't mean he wasn't scared shitless of her. He thought Berwald was bad, but at least he knew if he declined to kiss the big Swede, he wasn't going to be gutted. He wasn't sure if Natalia would take it as a personal offense if he decided to take a jog in waist deep snow and boxers just to avoid her.

"Hurry up." Natalia snapped.

O-kay, yup, he couldn't take the easy way out without being skinned. Proof that Natalia was, in fact, under all the ice, a woman. Sheesh, men solved their pride issues easily enough (Gilbert and Ivan were proof) without being sneaky about it.

"I'll take the bullet, Mattie!" Alfred whispered to him anxiously. Matthew was pretty sure he was more anxious for Natalia than he was for Matthew. It's not like the damn woman was going to break; she was more likely to break him!

"Nuh-uh Alfred. Mattie's gotta play by the rules." Michelle tsked, although she looked a little ill. Matthew could feel Ivan's unblinking stare on his back and could see Alfred's wide-eyed one to his right. He wondered if Natalia would imagine Alfred's face and lips when they kissed. He hated being a replacement, even in a stupid game.

Matthew crawled up towards Natalia thinking peaceful thoughts. Unfortunately, halfway through his pleasant vision of puppies and kitties frolicking, it turned into a slasher flick. She looked down at him with her pale eyes unnervingly empty. She didn't look nervous or angry or… anything. If anything, she looked like a cat who just noticed a baby bird fluttering around but wasn't quite hungry enough to move.

"Ummm…"

"Have you lost the ability to speak clearly?" Natalia asked with almost no inflection in her tone.

He gulped and placed a soft kiss on her lips, knowing that she'd make him kiss her again if he fucked up the first time. And he didn't think his little heart could take that kind of stress. To his surprise, she relaxed into the kiss letting him lead. Not quite sure what was going on, he deepened the kiss and hoped she wouldn't suddenly snap his lips off.

"Okay, okay, that's enough." Alfred butted in, clearly jealous. He shot Matthew a wounded look and Matthew shrugged back. It wasn't his fault Natalia wanted a real kiss, although for what reason he had no idea.

"Matvey is more pleasurable to kiss than Alfred." Natalia stated, a faint note of surprise in her voice. Matthew's eyebrows jumped up in surprise and Alfred flushed in embarrassment at being shown up by his gay, wallflower brother.

"No way!"

"Haha, taught the boy everything he knows." Gilbert crowed and preened. Matthew shot him a look but didn't argue. Mostly he was too busy being mortified for himself and for Alfred. He hoped his brother wouldn't kill him. It wasn't his fault he was gentler than Alfred!

"Matvey is better?" Ivan asked cocking his head considering, "Perhaps I should kiss both and decide who is the better kisser."

Matthew wanted to point out to him that they were boyfriends and Ivan should already KNOW that he was a fantastic kisser. He wanted to, but if he said that he might not get kissed. He was willing to be a little less nitpicky if it scored for him.

Apparently this point was not lost on Michelle because she flashed Matthew a knowing look that promised a talking-to later on. He almost groaned but remembered his proximity to Natalia and settled for mentally hanging himself. Fuckity fuck fuck, life hated him.

"I'm a way better kisser… tons of girls have said so!" Alfred defended hotly and Natalia gave him a cool look. He grinned sheepishly and added, "Exes, all exes."

Michelle hummed and pranced up to Matthew. Before he could escape, he pressed him into a kiss. He could see she was definitely related to Francis a few seconds in because by that time she practically had her tongue down his throat and was running her hands along his bare chest. He went along with it patiently, knowing if he struggled she'd get him back later. She ended the kiss and licked her lips slowly, thinking hard.

"Well, they're definitely not the same." Michelle hummed expertly, "Totally different styles. But _Matthieu_ is far too timid and slow for my tastes. So I'd have to go with Alfie. He's a firecracker."

Liz opened her mouth and Matthew shouted, "No! Unless the bottle lands on me, no one else is getting my lips tonight."

"Someone needs a few drinks," Liz muttered rebelliously.

"It wasn't my best kiss! I was nervous, the kids tuckered me out, and it was cold outside! Plus, your host family was on the other side of the door waiting for you. I can do better, I promise!" Alfred begged, "Much better. Like blow your mind better."

Alfred continued trying to convince Natalia to let him kiss her so he could show her he was way better than Matthew. So far he wasn't having much luck. Matthew wondered when they kissed to give her a reference. It was probably quick and awkward (even Alfred had self-preservation instincts) and not entirely fair to Alfred's abilities. Not that Matthew was going to complain too much.

It was nice to see Alfred choke for once.

Natalia shoved Alfred out of her face (literally) and snatched up the bottle. She spun it gracefully and everyone watched as it landed square on Ivan. If Natalia were the type, she would be jumping up and down and screaming like a harpy. Instead, a small, victorious smile crept across her lips.

"I knew that if I played, I would get a chance to kiss Ivan." She smirked and Ivan hid behind his scarf, his violet eyes wide over the edges. He looked beseechingly at Matthew, who had to shrug with helplessness. Ivan had wanted to play…

Natalia stalked forward and Ivan had tears collecting at the corners of his eyes. Alfred glared at the two balefully and turned away in a huff. Oh yeah, he was going to be in a snit for the rest of the night. And he probably wouldn't go sledding with Matthew tomorrow either.

"I do not wish to play." Ivan wavered, looking for an escape. Instead he found himself surrounded by enemies. Gilbert leered with vengeful glee while most of the girls looked highly interested. Even Tino, Toris, and Eduard were looking on with (wary and tense) interest while Katerina beamed obliviously.

"Come now Ivan. I will be gentle." Natalia whispered while she practically climbed up on his lap. He shuddered but didn't try to dislodge her. Matthew was actually quite impressed. If this had happened even a month earlier, Ivan probably would have dumped her on her ass and did a long run through the blizzard.

She pressed a kiss to his tight lips, her hands digging into the arms of his coat in case he tried to escape. They sat like that for a while, Natalia trying to coax him into returning the kiss and Ivan petrified. Eventually she sighed and cuddled up to his chest. Matthew thought he might have stopped breathing.

"Ivan is so shy." Natalia murmured with fondness.

Shy? Ivan shy? Were they talking about the same Ivan? The Ivan that stared at Alfred like a tasty chunk of raw steak and got into altercations with practically every alpha male around? The Ivan that deviously showed the Bad Touch Trio up in front of the whole school on several occasions? The Ivan that happily harassed Toris and Yao just because he could? Were they talking about the same Ivan?

"I… need to spin the bottle," Ivan croaked out and she reluctantly slid off his lap.

The bottle rocked shakily, much like Ivan himself, before landing on Feliks' spot. With no Feliks in it. Toris looked around worriedly and Matthew didn't blame him. From what he knew about Feliks, the guy was a genius for getting into weird troubles. And Matthew didn't want to be the one to rescue him from a short skirt wedgie or be used to test out his new beauty products. He seemed to think since he owned a salon he would do them all a favor and give them "free" (guinea pig) products.

"Feliks?" Toris called out. Ivan gave a small smile in anticipation. Feliks was not in the fans of Ivan club. In fact, Matthew was sure after Ivan's nasty tricks, Feliks would have really liked to have drugged Ivan and dressed him like a drag queen clown complete with red nose. Complete with honorary facebook and myspace pictures plastered everywhere.

Feliks came out of the kitchen and blinked.

"Like, you guys were totes boring," Feliks complained munching on what looked like it might have been a s'more.

"Well, it's your turn." Liz said and Feliks raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow at her tone, "Like, who?"

Everyone's heads whipped around towards Ivan. He gave a giggle and a little wave.

Feliks blinked and without a second though shimmied out of both his top and his skirt. Gilbert groaned and Toris held his face in his hands. Katerina giggled and Liz whistled. Roderich looked mortified and Berwald… looked like Berwald. But with a slight quirk to his eyebrow. Matthew wondered if Tino could read every tic and millimeter expression and if there was a guidebook to such a thing.

"Wow, I have that exact same silk set!" Michelle said in a scandalized tone, "But mine's red."

"Red's, like, totes a hooker color for me. But it would like, look fab with your dusky skin tone. You know VS totes has this glitzy blue in the same line?"

Matthew blinked. He did not process a word Feliks said, but Michelle was nodding in agreement.

"Man, I think you were rejected." Alfred smirked and whacked Ivan on the back in mock sympathy, "The dude went down to his skivvies to avoid sucking face with you."

Matthew was sure Feliks really just wanted to show off his expensive lingerie. Oh, and not kiss Ivan, but that was second place to looking fabulous.

Ivan sat down next to Matthew, scooting away from both Natalia and Alfred who were inching in. Matthew could feel Ivan pressing up against him in response. He knew within the next few minutes all four of them would be crammed in one cubic meter. He scooted towards Tino and Toris desperately. Toris took one look and scooted into Katerina. She took the opportunity to give him a small hug, making Ivan stop (and presumably glare deathrays) pushing Matthew.

"Okay, like, I totes need to get my beauty rest, so like, last round." Feliks announced giving a look at Toris and Ivan. Well, mostly Ivan. Matthew suddenly began to wonder if Feliks came to the mountain retreat for the sole reason of keeping an eye on Ivan around his friend Toris. It would explain why he didn't really… well do anything. He mostly hung around inside the lodge (quite sensibly so all things considered) and mooched off Roderich's hospitality and chatted endlessly with Liz. Which was probably the only reason Roderich tolerated his diarrhea commentary about the décor and his hair and the lack of good food and the music and… well, Matthew could go on. He wished he could tune it out as easily as Alfred and Toris seemed to.

Feliks gave the bottle a quick spin, his pink nail polish (which appallingly enough matched his underwear) flashing. He leaned over the bottle and whispered words of encouragement.

It slowed to a stop and everyone held their breath. Except Gilbert who laughed and slapped his knee. Matthew wondered if this was the most fun he had stone sober since he started drinking at a tender under-age of nine.

"NO!" Vash roared, leaping to his feet wearing almost nothing. It was going to be a cold penalty lap for him.

"Oh, chill." Feliks said waving his hand dismissively, "I'm like, not going to eat her out, jeebeebees!"

Heidi gave her brother a smile, "It's okay Vash. I wanted to play too."

Vash glared. Berwald glared. Feliks gave a chershire cat grin and crawled over looking like he was straight out of a bad porno. He sat on his legs and tilted Heidi's face forward gently. She gave him a smile and he laughed.

Leaning forward he gave her a swift peck on the lips.

"Night all!"

Matthew sighed, Ivan pressing against his back almost painfully, and wondered if he'd be able to escape so easily. Somehow, with Ivan's big hand on his thigh and his chin on his shoulder, Matthew really doubted it. Usually Ivan's clinginess was endearing to him, but right now it was literally crushing him.

Heidi picked up the bottle, much to Vash's dismay (dismay was a weak word for it). She spun it with a shy smile and Michelle gave a lecherous grin.

"Finally, some girl on girl action here!" Gilbert hollered excitedly.

Matthew felt his stomach sinking. He hoped Michelle wouldn't do anything… dangerous. Then again, he remembered that she tried to feed bear cubs pieces of fish when they were on a camping trip. Maybe Vash-baiting was just another form of bear-baiting, in which case she pretty much deserved any mauling she received.

"C'mere honey." Michelle grinned playfully. Apparently Heidi had some idea of the danger she was walking into because she hesitated. From what Matthew gathered, they were childhood friends, so Heidi must have known on some level that she was in a pit of quicksand, "Oh c'mon, we're friends. It's not like we haven't done this before."

Gilbert practically drooled all over himself. Vash looked like he was going to explode.

"But that was just p-practice." Heidi's face turned red and she brushed her short bob back out of her eyes.

"So this is just more practice… with an audience. No biggie." Michelle shrugged theatrically. She waded up on her knees and settled comfortably straddling the blond girl's legs with her own.

And the next few minutes of Matthew's life was never, ever coming out of his memory. Ever. Period. Seriously, EVER. Now Matthew considered himself a well-adjusted male with a normal libido, but he had never seen the appeal of lesbian porn (despite being introduced to it multiple times—girl parts didn't really do much for him after all). But in those few minutes he was not only a convert but really needed a bathroom break. Judging by the stunned looks of most of the guys there (and Liz), the feeling was mutual.

"Can I practice too?" Gilbert begged and Alfred nodded in agreement.

Michelle gave him a mischievous smile and waggled her finger at him, "Uncle Franny would kill you."

"I can take Frenchie Fuckface Francis." Gilbert snorted and added hopefully, "And it'd totally be worth it to add my Awesome to the mix."

Vash glowered as Michelle picked up the bottle and spun it. He didn't even move or blink as the bottle pointed to him. Michelle smiled sweetly at him.

"Looks like an encore soap opera performance." Michelle murmured demurely and turned to pick up the bottle. Matthew was sure from Vash's angle he couldn't see the silent low five Michelle and Heidi slipped each other. He decided that he pitied Alfred; this was what he had to contend with for the rest of his life.

"No." Vash said resolutely. "I'm done playing this manipulative, asinine game."

Michelle leaned forward and snagged his shirt. She snuggled into it and watched him. He glared.

"Keep it."

"I'd rather not, but if you're offering up something a little closer to your…"

"Okay Michelle, hurry up." Alfred muttered from where he had finally given up on Natalia, who was curled into Ivan who was still leaning on Matthew.

"Just indulge me… please? You always say no."

"Because no means no." Vash said rebelliously, "And a stupid game isn't going to change that."

She sighed and dropped the shirt in his lap.

"Fine."

They all watched as she set the bottle down next to him and wandered towards the rooms. There was a stunned silence broken by Alfred, "Okay, who's next?"

"Dude, that was harsh and so not awesome." Gilbert muttered, "Way to kil—" He cut off and looked around fearfully. Aster, who had stayed by the fireplace, looked at him. "Way to go. Now the mood sucks."

Vash growled and stomped to his feet, "The damn woman won't give up."

"Brother, she likes you." Heidi said quietly from beside Liz. "And you were mean. I think you should consider apologizing."

"After you run the penalty lap." Gilbert reminded, fiddling with the dog's ears idly. He was stretched out by the fireplace, his red eyes glinting eerily.

"I'll go run the lap." Vash growled, looking more eager to go running in the snow with no clothing than the other half of the proposition. Only Gilbert and Alfred bothered to go watch him flounder through the snow.

By now Ivan's hand had snaked around Matthew's waist and he was comfortably resting completely against him. He obviously had no interested in strangers' disputes and nuzzled into Matthew's neck contently. It would've been perfect if Natalia's ice cold eyes weren't glinting from over the back of his coat.

"Okay, I think Vash is done." Liz said, clicking her tongue. She set her video camera down and snatched up the bottle. She gave Toris a quick kiss on the cheek and he blushed again. Matthew wondered if he looked like that every time Ivan touched him or whispered to him. How embarrassing. At least Toris had a reason.

Toris grabbed the bottle, "Last spin. It's getting late, so I think we should all go to bed. We need some sleep."

"Toris is so nice to be concerned." Ivan piped up sleepily. Toris just inched a little further away and spun the bottle.

It landed on Berwald.

Toris gulped and Berwald glared.

"'n the ch'k's f'ne." Berwald mumbled.

Toris surprised him by leaning forward and placing a careful kiss on his lips. Both parties flustered and Toris gave a smile. Berwald gave what Matthew assumed was a smile in return and Toris paled. He stuttered, probably shocked at his own stupid, martyrristic bravery, and stumbled to his feet. But he still held out a hand to Berwald and helped him up.

Matthew could see why Feliks would stalk his best friend. Toris was too nice sometimes. Deep down everyone probably knew Berwald was fairly harmless and nice, but not everyone was that way.

Matthew gave Ivan a poke to the ribs.

"Bedtime Ivan."

Ivan smiled into his neck and tightened his grip.

Alfred burst back in, shaking snow like an excited dog. He stopped dead and looked at the three on the floor. He started laughing quietly.

"Cute." He chuckled and Matthew stared at him like he had grown another head. He had never heard Alfred use that word out of the context of small children and dogs. He beckoned to Liz, "Lemme see the camera."

Oh hell no. Matthew scowled slightly and tried to wiggle out from under Ivan without much success. Alfred mouthed 'cheese' and Matthew sighed, making a semi-decent expression. It wasn't like anyone would notice him in the picture, but if they did he wanted to look like he wasn't eating horse poop. He risked a glance at Ivan and a fond smile worked its way on his face.

Geez, even crushing him Ivan made him all goopey.

The camera flashed and Matthew sighed again.

Alfred reached down and carefully scooped up Natalia, who was sleeping tangled in Ivan's coat like a puppy. Matthew hoped for Alfred's sake she didn't wake up. He hoisted her up and nudged Ivan with his toe. Ivan grunted in response.

"I'll be back in a minute Mattie." Alfred reassured, "You two can't sleep on the floor; that's too uncomfortable."

Matthew sighed again (and he felt like his lungs might give up if he did it again) and watched as everyone left. Roderich's lodge was clearly designed to host large parties. He had a few suite rooms, one of which he took up and the other Ludwig used, but the rest of the rooms were large, communal rooms with twin bunk beds. He ended up in a room with Ivan, Alfred, and Gilbert (mostly because no one else would tolerate him—Toris flat out refused to let him in with him and Feliks). Matthew supposed that Berwald, Tino, Vash, and Eduard would probably take the third empty room for the night, since they weren't going to brave the blizzard to return to Vash's power-less and ice-cold lodge. The girls took up the second room, which sadly enough was across from his, meaning the giggles and titters kept him up half the night before.

He considered what else might have been going on in the room and groaned. Never. Ever. And he so needed to get laid if that was turning him on.

Alfred came back with a noticeable red mark on his cheek.

"Natalia woke up?"

Alfred grinned sheepishly.

"Ivan, get up."

"_Nyet_."

"We need to go to bed. Roderich's going to douse the fire, and it's going to be freezing." Matthew tried to reason. Well, he probably would be just fine; he tolerated cold much better than his fair-weather brother.

"Comfortable." Ivan said stubbornly and Matthew couldn't see how he could possibly be comfortable draped across him like a throw rug. "Warm." He nestled in Matthew's hair and Matthew stifled a giggle at the tickle.

"C'mon big guy. Bed." Alfred commanded.

"Yours?" Ivan asked hopefully and Alfred made a face. A sly look came across his face and he tugged on Ivan's arm. "I don't share top, man, you should know that. But I bet Mattie would like some company. He has terrible nightmares sometimes."

"No I don't." Matthew retorted and Alfred rolled his eyes.

Alfred gave up on trying to coax Ivan up and just reached down taking Ivan by the scruff. With a massive heave, he rolled the Russian off Matthew and into the coffee table. Ivan grunted again, this time louder and angrier.

"C'mon Mattie, let's go. Ludwig and Sophie turned on the gas room heater, so it's so toasty in there. And Gilbert's sacked out already, so if we don't hurry we'll never get to sleep with his snoring!"

"Ivan, do you want a blanket?"

Ivan blinked grumpily, his lip poking out and his hair flopping in his eyes. He carefully got to his feet, still looking pouty, which Matthew thought was adorable even though he'd never say it out loud. Alfred had already bounded ahead and the room was empty except for the dying fire, which Roderich had banked. It glowed, giving just enough light to see Ivan's lips curl into a smile.

Matthew really should've known better when he saw that smile but he was really too tired to be on guard.

Ivan swooped down and captured his lips in a harsh kiss. Matthew's brain was several seconds behind his instincts because when he came to he was passionately returning the kiss and trying to throw his arms around Ivan's neck. Ivan stooped down a little lower and held Matthew's arms down firmly, his mouth dominating the kiss. Matthew eagerly tried to get closer and Ivan obliged by letting him go. He shoved up against Ivan so hard the Russian stumbled slightly, but their lips stayed locked together. One of Ivan's hands was up against his neck, his skin burning hot, and the other was fumbling down Matthew's bare side.

His hands ran over Ivan's coat frantically in frustration, and he leaned forward trying to get some friction. Ivan nipped his bottom lip, and he gave a small whimper in return. Ivan's hand trailed down lower, brushing against Matthew's front. Matthew bucked up roughly, groaning when he hit the big palm.

It didn't matter that Ivan was only pretending to be his boyfriend. It didn't matter if they fucked right here in the middle of Roderich's expensive rug. It didn't matter if Ivan was rough. Hell, at this point he didn't even care if Ivan topped. It didn't matter if… Matthew's hazed mind ground to a halt. Well, actually, it went up in flames and died in agony. Ivan had wanted in Alfred's bed. Ivan was using him because he looked like Alfred… Alfred's replacement.

He wanted to say that didn't matter, but it did. It mattered more than anything. It mattered more than meaningless sex.

He slowed down reluctantly and shoved Ivan back. Ivan peered down and even in the low light Matthew could see confusion all over his face. Slowly Ivan's face dissolved into its normal child-like smile and Ivan sung out, "Matvey is a much better kisser than Alfred. I enjoyed my prize very much!"

See? Matthew knew it. He was only kissed because Ivan was thinking of Alfred. And even though the verdict fell in his favor, he was pissed and horny and in no mood for anything but a cold shower. He wasn't an experiment and he wasn't a prize and he sure as hell wasn't Alfred.

He growled softly, wishing Gilbert hadn't gone to sleep so soon. But he knew from experience that waking Gilbert up was like trying to shake a coma patient awake. Ludwig had to use a bullhorn and ice water on a good day.

"Great. Thanks. Better get to bed." Matthew huffed, detangling from Ivan abruptly. He missed Ivan's hurt look and stomped back towards the rooms. He didn't miss Michelle and Alfred lingering in the hall (in fact, he aimed a kick at Alfred's retreating butt), but he blew past them.

He was in bed and pretending to be fast asleep by the time Alfred and Ivan crept into the room. He heard Alfred jump in the other top bunk and felt Ivan settled into the one beneath him.

Why'd Ivan have to be so stupid? Why'd he have to be so stupid as to like Ivan? He groaned and buried his head in his pillow. He intended to spend all day outside and talking only to squirrels tomorrow.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: There is a another part to this I cannot post on FF due to the rating. It is posted on my livejournal account (which you can access via my profile). However, the journal too is locked for the content, so if you can't access it... sorry!

So the basic premise is Matthew has some disturbing wet dreams :)

Chapter Twenty

Ivan sat quietly in the dark, listening to the two across the room snore loudly. If he strained his ears, he could hear Matvey thrashing softly in the bunk above him. A small ball of concern wiggled in his chest. It had taken quite a while (and some friendly pressure on Yao) to identify the semi-unpleasant feeling that nestled in his chest every so often. Mostly when he was considering something about Matvey—which he seemed to be doing more often than not.

Things have been going so well earlier. Aside from the extremely amusing (only slightly dampened by Natalia's attention) evening that had unfolded earlier, he had been given a perfect reason to kiss Matvey. And he had been wanting to do that again (more thoroughly this time) since he and Matvey had kissed in front of Francis. He had been hoping the bottle would land on Matvey so he could kiss him in front over everyone, show everyone that Matvey was HIS. Unfortunately, it did not, and Ivan vividly remembered Matvey's reaction to 'being a circus exhibit.' Normally that wouldn't matter much to him, he rarely paid attention to the wishes of others when those wishes conflicted with something he desired. This time he waited.

Ivan was very patient.

And he had thought his patient, good behavior had earned him some affection from Matvey. In fact, they had moved much faster than he had anticipated, all for the better in his opinion, when Matvey stopped cold.

He did not understand it. The only thing Ivan could conclude was that Matvey was playing the part and not particularly interested. And that Alfred had been wrong. Not that the second conclusion was a novelty. Alfred was frequently chided for being bull-headed and insensitive with the inability to 'read the atmosphere.' Ivan wondered how much of it was in the spirit of being sneaky and obnoxious rather than a real lack of ability.

He imagined that Matvey would have—what was the American slang again? Oh yes—a shitfit if he knew that Ivan and Alfred had been discussing him. It had been an offhanded conversation in Alfred's mind, as he babbled beautifully once pointed towards a topic, but Ivan had soaked up every detail.

He had noticed Matvey more since the carnival and then the party. A lot more. And Alfred a lot less. At first it had puzzled him. Did he feel attracted to Matvey because of Alfred? The thought had troubled him a lot for some reason. Matvey was not Alfred. They were as different to him as winter and summer.

And he had long known, despite his complaining, that he was drawn inexplicitly towards winter.

Matvey was cool and collected with a biting wit and a lovely, pale form. Even his violet eyes reminded Ivan of a winter sunset and his pale hair a winter sunrise. He was softly quiet, instead of filled with chatter. Even snow, if touched long enough, burned the skin. The way Matvey's kisses and touches burned him. Matvey was like winter to Alfred's noisy, bright summer.

Another soft moan from above jolted Ivan out of his train of thought. He considered climbing up into the bunk. He was not sure if the bed would support their combined weight, but considering the construction and expense, it was probably safe enough. He was about to get up when Matvey made several more soft moans and then bolted up hard enough to shake the bunk.

Curiously, Ivan held still.

"Shit." Matvey whispered, "What a mess. God, I'm so depraved."

Ivan smiled in the dark. He was always highly amused when proper little Matvey swore. Matvey shifted around in the top bunk, hissing and muttering to himself. Ivan heard his name several times coupled with the words 'hot' and 'horny' and 'god dammit.'

Matvey stumbled down off the bunk and bumped across the room in the dark towards the other bunk. He stumbled over the dog, which sleepily whined, and fumbled blindly on. He banged his way up the ladder and Ivan heard him say something to Alfred. Alfred grunted in reply and then there was silence.

Did Matvey have a nightmare? He had crawled into bed with his brother because he was scared? It seemed probable and Ivan felt a flash of jealousy. Matvey should have been crawling in bed with _him_ if he was scared. He would do a much better job than Alfred at soothing Matvey's fears.

Slightly irritated, he flopped over with his face to the wall. He decided that he would confront Matvey about it in the morning and tell him that it was unnecessary to rely on Alfred's protection when Ivan was in the room.

Now that he had realized he wanted Matvey, he intended to have him. After all, although it had taken some time and effort, he realized that Matvey was a far greater prize than Alfred. But he could work on Matvey tomorrow; perhaps suggest that they make the relationship legitimate. He preferred willing and compliant acquiesces after all.

With that last thought, he drifted off.

The first conscious thought Matthew had the next morning was that Alfred needed a shower… badly. His second thought was that if Alfred didn't stop groping his chest in the next few seconds, Matthew was going to give him a flying lesson over the bunk railing.

"Nat…" Alfred mumbled and Matthew groaned. His breath was awful. Really, Matthew was going to invest in some gum or mints or something for him.

He groggily considered what time it was before bolting upright in horror. He stared across the dimly lit room (realizing unconsciously that it must be past dawn) at his crumpled up bunk. Luckily, Gilbert and Alfred were still dead to the world, and would be for at least another hour (two for Gilbert).

He crept off of Alfred's bunk, fending off his brother's gropes and kisses, and went to retrieve his sheets. He almost had them in hand when he was grabbed from behind. Fueled by guilt and surprise, he twisted his attacker's wrist. A grunt sounded behind him he immediately let go and tried not to flinch when a second hand was placed firmly on his shoulder and the original grasped his own wrist to keep him from retaliating again. Not that he had any reason to.

"Ivan."

"Matvey.

"I didn't realize you were awake. Sorry, you surprised me, eh?"

Silence.

"Er, good morning. Did you sleep well?"

"Better than Matvey did."

Now just what did that mean—oh no! Matthew felt his face flame and wanted to sink into the ground. He was quiet as a mouse in every aspect but the most important one? He wanted to die. He just wanted to die. And if Ivan heard his body's reaction to his dream, then he probably heard Matthew's nocturnal curses too. If he could combust, he would be doing it right now.

"Matvey had issues sleeping, da? Perhaps he needed some help getting to sleep?" Ivan suggested in a possessive purr. He had tucked Matthew to him while he said this and was rocking slowly.

Matthew resisted, still utterly mortified. He was frozen with a mixture of embarrassment and the beginning of another kind of problem he always seemed to have when Ivan handled him. His boxers were sticky and his hair was tangled.

He managed to make a meep sound and bolted out of Ivan's firm grasp with a burst of desperation. He snatched the sheets off the bed with a sharp tug, ignoring the flying pillow that smacked Alfred in the face or the comforter that buried Gilbert's head. Wadding up the sheets, he bolted out of the room. He had no idea where he was going or where the laundry room was, but he did know he had to get away from Ivan. Or he wasn't going to be responsible for his actions.

"Hi Matthew."

Matthew jumped and shouted (whispered). Tino looked at him brightly, wearing too-big of a smile for so early in the morning. He had a tray of hot cocoa balanced on one hand and was dressed in fuzzy bunny slippers and flannels. A small white dog sat at his feet (where'd that one come from?).

"I was a waiter for a summer." Tino explained with another smile at Matthew's unspoken question. He followed his gaze, "Oh, this is Berwald and my dog Hanatamago. She was sleeping under Aster last night, so you probably didn't see her. Apparently she also bit Gilbert in a very bad place when the dogs attacked, but don't tell him that please."

"Cute." Matthew managed to squeak out. She was kind of cute, like a fluffy, white kitten or something. He moved out of the way so Tino could get past with his tray.

"Need the laundry?"

Matthew wanted to slam his head into the wall. Repeatedly. Maybe the blunt trauma would steal away his coherency and he'd just be a vegetable. Vegetables didn't have to worry about explaining why they were running around with dirty sheets at 6am. Vegetables also didn't have to sit there and blush in embarrassment because the other person already _knew_ why the bed sheets needed to go in the laundry.

"It's to the left of the kitchen. Oh, and if this lodge is like Vash's, then the clean linens are in the hall closet next to the laundry room." Tino supplied cheerfully with a curious look, "I hope you didn't… with your brother there…"

Matthew wailed and ran down the hall.

He found the laundry room and the clean sheets. By the time he returned to the room both Ivan and Alfred had disappeared, although Gilbert was making choking sounds from beneath the comforter. Apparently Ivan and Alfred assumed he would wake up before the oxygen deprivation killed him. Matthew pulled the comforter off and Gilbert's breathing went back to normal, although he had a blue tint to his face for a few minutes.

He wandered down to the kitchen for breakfast, fully intending to sneak out the back door after grabbing a snack. He wasn't in any shape to deal with anyone, but he especially wanted to avoid Michelle, Ivan, and Alfred. Failing that, he'd like to dump them in a snowdrift and spend the day skiing.

Much to his dismay, Roderich had posted that the slopes were off-limits until the afternoon. He wasn't sure he could deal with Alfred long enough to put Plan B into effect. He wondered if he could lure some people down to the ice pond for hockey… but then Ivan would show up and that would be super awkward.

In the end he ended up munching on his bagel and slumped over the countertop. He eyed the coffee pot, which was bubbling merrily, and wondered if he could have a cup. The day just looked too bleak without a little pick-me-up.

"You drink it as well? Do you take it with five teaspoons of sugar and a dash of cream?" Ivan asked, standing in the door. A cheap, dollar store smile was tacked across his lips, but Matthew could see the anger simmering behind his eyes.

"N-no." Matthew looked away, knowing Ivan's anger was justified. Matthew had been terrible to him lately. God, he was the man-slut Alfred had joked he was! He jumped Ivan without a second thought last night then cut him off. Then he had an explicit (amazing!) wet dream starring Ivan then crawl into Alfred's bed. And then he panicked and ran away (again!) when all Ivan was doing was… was… offering… Matthew's face flamed up again. "S-sorry."

"It is quite alright if Matvey does not take his coffee that way." Ivan answered pleasantly, in the tone he reserved for Kiku. Ouch. Well, it was a step up from Gilbert.

"T-that's not what I me—"

"Morning guys!" Alfred paused and blinked slowly. Matthew desperately hoped he got it and beat a hasty retreat. Every second that went by he wasn't apologizing and Ivan was probably getting more and more irritated. He didn't know why he didn't just throw himself at Ivan's feet and grovel, since that seemed to be what was expected of him. Instead Alfred just grinned, "Snowball fight out front sound good?"

Ivan shook his head, the plastic smile melting a little with warmth. Not for the first time Matthew wished he could be a little more like Alfred. Not a lot, not identical, but just a little. Alfred made everyone smile… and all he had to do was be an overbearing, nosy charmer.

"Mattie?"

"Er, sure, I'll go. But let me finish my breakfast—"

"Cool, is that your coffee?" Alfred blurted while pouring himself a mug. He proceeded to dump five scoops of sugar and then fished around in the fridge for some cream. He threw a bit of cream in there. Then he took a big gulp, scalding his tongue. Sometimes Ivan did things that even Matthew had to be a little freaked out about. But maybe he knew how Alfred took his coffee because he made it for him? Or he really was just that freakish about watching Alfred.

"Okay, let's go!"

Before Matthew could protest that he hadn't finished his coffee (nor did he plan to any time soon), Alfred grabbed him and dragged him out the door.

Matthew expected to get an earful about last night; after all, Alfred had seen at least the end of the hot scramble on the rug. Instead Alfred started making a snow fort.

"Who's playing?" Matthew asked, falling in beside his brother to help. They usually ended up on opposite sides, so he might be creating his downfall, but he had to be busy and moving his hands. Otherwise he'd be thinking about what other things they could (should) be doing instead.

"Dunno."

"What do you mean?"

"I figured if we build it, they will come, right? So keep building." Alfred grinned plastering another fistful of icy snow on the top of the mound. Matthew just stared. His brother just dragged him out of the warm (uncomfortable) kitchen where he had been eating (pretending to drink coffee) breakfast and talking to (avoiding) Ivan. And not for the first time he found himself wondering just how perceptive Alfred actually was.

Eventually people started wandering out from the lodge as Alfred had said they would. Teams and alliances were built in seconds (mostly after Alfred decked them in the face then pointed at Matthew—for some reason no one believed him… even when Matthew actually did hit Michelle and Gilbert when they weren't looking).

Eventually the teams hashed out with Matthew, Alfred, and Gilbert hunkered down together under the snow fort with Vash, Heidi, and Michelle taking up residency by the shed with Tino and Berwald lurking in the woods. Roderich, Liz, Ludwig, and Sophie had managed hide behind the corner of the lodge. Matthew was surprised when Ivan showed up. He figured Ivan was sulking, considering he disappeared and refused Alfred's earlier offer. However, Matthew's stomach tried to visit his crotch when he saw Ivan had reinforcements. Katerina was (probably) harmless enough, and poor Toris was nervously patting a snowball behind Ivan, but it was Natalia who Matthew winced at. Aside from the really freaky kiss the night before, she mostly still ignored him (which was good in his opinion), but he knew she was a crackshot with her aim. And she had quite a few to reasons to pepper him with ice balls. He hoped Alfred would be useful as a decoy and draw her fire… until he realized Ivan might be just as (or more) likely to come after him for the past few days. The thought made him pack snowballs even faster and keep his head down below the snow fort.

Ivan's voice floated across the yard, "…put rocks in there, Toris."

Toris shook his head and protested softly.

"It is merely incentive for Alfred to become better. Alfred will move quicker if there is a little punishment for being slow. It will hardly hurt him at all." Ivan smiled. Matthew noted to never play paintball or any other kind of aggressive war game with Ivan. Ever. He liked living.

The snowball fight turned ugly fast. Mostly because the teams were so spread out that any pincher movement left the team in the middle pretty screwed being hailed from both sides with ice balls. Roderich, at one point, had to beat a hasty retreat from under Gilbert's reign of balls—rain of balls, ha—and ended up hiding with Vash. Of course, squabbling ensued complete with 'we're not nine anymore, so go fight your own damn battles!' and 'I could hardly expect someone as rough as you to understand.'

No one dared to go near the woods. Ivan and his team had attempted to forge a path to get Berwald and Tino, probably (falsely) thinking two people were easy prey. Apparently Eduard was right to duck inside while calmly (shakily) saying that they were dooming themselves by playing with Tino. He was literally death from above. How he actually managed to scale the pine tree, set up a solid platform, and launch Berwald's snowballs, no one knew. What they did know was he was deadly accurate and no one could return fire without high casualties. What was that saying? It was always the quiet ones? Because Berwald, who was scary under normal circumstances, could somehow ghost up out of nowhere and nail you at close range. Not to mention their tiny little white dog that was like a giant snowball that bit your ankles until you stumbled as you tried to flee.

"Gil-Gil, watch out!" Michelle yelled and tackled Gilbert as a volley of snowballs came in from Ludwig's group (mostly noticeably from Liz, who had a homicidal glint in her eyes since Roderich took a snowball to the glasses a few moments earlier). The two landed in the pit behind the fort and Michelle giggled helplessly as Gilbert glared. He smirked and remarked, "I didn't know you wanted me that badly. Dontcha think it's a bit cold?"

"Your awesome will insulate you, I'm sure." Alfred quipped back and dived down as a snowball present from Ivan crashed into the wall.

"That's what she said!"

"It's all about the size, baby, and I've got 5 meters." Gilbert huffed with a grinned while Michelle rolled her eyes, "Not in the cold."

"So is the cold another way to get blue balls?" Alfred wondered out loud. Gilbert cackled, "Hey Vash! How's yer package after last night's midnight streaking? You a girl yet?"

Vash turned immediately towards Gilbert giving him the craziest look Matthew had ever seen. It wasn't positive, it wasn't negative. At best, it was flat out neutral. Not emotion on his face. Vash held the neutral look, one that screamed 'WRONG, you're behavior is wrong,' for a few moments. Gilbert instantly stopped (Matthew felt like stopping too, and he hadn't even been catcalling) and his mouth snapped shut. Gilbert blinked uncertainly and frowned.

Ludwig, blue eyes wide and snowball arm cocked to throw, whispered, "That was beautiful. Please teach me that look… for the dogs."

"What was that pause for Luddy? You're not going to use it on the dogs, are you? Hey, this calls for major embarrassment on your part! I'm going to rearrange your sock drawer and stick my knife in the jelly before the peanut butter when I make a sandwich! Then I'm going to tell the neighbors what color underwear you're wearing and… and…"

"Woof woof!" Alfred chortled and Gilbert punched him (not-so-nicely) in the shoulder. "Oww, easy on the arm. I need it to cream Ivan!"

Matthew realized why Alfred and Gilbert could never be friends… the world would never survive.

And from then on Michelle was on "their" team, laughing with Alfred and Gilbert. It only got ugly at one point where Ivan actually managed to hit Alfred with a snowball (sans the rocks) in the face. Alfred's expression morphed into a dark glare (one Matthew had seen only a handful of times before and feared) for a split second. He packed an extra-hard iceball methodically and Matthew had to run over and grab his arm before he shop putted it into Ivan's head. If he had hit Ivan, there was a good chance it'd be to knock his block clean off, and that would involve blood and concussions and a hospital trip. And Matthew would have been cackling hysterically the whole time.

Just as the snowball war was winding down, Michelle gave Matthew a huge grin and grabbed him. She tugged him into the line of fire (Alfred and Ivan were still going at it) and to the abandoned shed to the side. She stealthily opened it and slipped inside. Seconds later she emerged with a snowblower, laughing under her breath.

"Time to end this war once and for all." She giggled, patting the snowblower like a rifle. "Hey, Mattie, can you grab the other one? We'll clear the field!"

Matthew really didn't feel like turning the wrath of a snowblower on people who could (potentially) make him eat snow. And as fun as it would be to see Alfred the Dressiest Snowman dance, he didn't think it was that fair to bring a snowblower to a snowball fight.

Reluctantly he crept into the shed, his heart already hammering from the battle, and tried to locate the blower. He jumped about four and three quarters feet when the door slammed shut behind him. Racing back to the door, he found it jammed. Banging on the door and calling out, he realized that Michelle had just locked him in the shed on purpose. He banged harder then sighed. Roderich would probably return the snowblower to the shed…eventually. That was his only hope because no one would actually notice he was missing until they were ready to go in a few days. Maybe not even then. He liked the cold, but he didn't want to live in a shed without food, water, or a toilet.

He could hear shrieking from outside. Apparently everyone had enough of Ivan pulverizing them all (Kat and Natalia were crazy good back up and Matthew had to remember they grew up together) and this was the resulting, final show down.

Gilbert was screaming something in German and cussing out the 'chickenshit mutts' and Ivan laughed, "Your dog is smarter than you are, _da?_"

Then Ludwig shouted a different command and Matthew could hear all three dogs barking. There were heavy footsteps and suddenly the door yanked open. Before Matthew could leap to freedom, the door slammed shut and the other person was breathing heavily a foot away.

"You just locked us in." Matthew groaned. He very clearly heard the click on the other side of the door. Apparently it only opened from the outside and locked when closed. It made sense. What idiot locked themselves in a shed?

"How come the dogs listen to you and not me?" Gilbert whined dejectedly, "Aster, I'm your master, and you threw me under the bus or some such shit. You suck, reject."

"Like, the radio said the slopes are like, totes open now. Just thought all of you would like to know." Feliks shouted out from the lodge. No doubt he had been painting his toes and listening to NPR instead of participating in the snowball fight.

Matthew could visual the scramble to get back in the lodge to collect the gear. He groaned again, wishing he had peed after breakfast.

"Matvey?"


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: The shed of truth and the chapter y'all have been waiting for. Sorry for the slight delay.

Chapter Twenty One

Matthew felt his heart sinking and his stomach jumping with butterflies of joy at the same time. Somehow the two slammed into each other in the middle leaving him slightly breathless (the lungs were an innocent casualty) and feeling like his liver got squished somewhere in the middle.

Ivan hummed and jerked on the door. It shuddered but held fast. Matthew scooted away a little and settled on the seat of a snowmobile. Ivan rattled the door and pushed on the sides before deciding there was no way out.

"Someone will let us out eventually." Matthew muttered softly, getting to his feet slowly. He shivered a little now that he wasn't being active and was stuck in an icebox of a shed.

"Is Matvey angry with me?"

Oh. Shit. He hated that freezing to death was such a slow way to go. He was wishing for an inferno or a hanging or having his head chopped off right now.

Was he…

Wasn't Ivan… angry with him?

It was hard to tell. He couldn't see Ivan's face in the darkness, couldn't see his eyes or his smile. He could only hear the quiet hurt that seeped around Ivan's normal child-like voice.

"I…" Matthew felt his throat tightening and he wrapped his arms around himself. Partly to hold in his nervousness and partly because it was chilly. He could hear Ivan's breathing from a ways away. He shifted towards Ivan unconsciously then caught himself. He shuffled his feet and swallowed. "Umm…"

"Because I do not believe that I have done anything to earn Matvey's ire." Ivan continued bluntly, the hurt being replaced by a hardness. Matthew heard him settle against the far wall.

This was the moment of truth, so to speak. He had to be honest with Ivan. He had to say that he wanted him, had always wanted him, needed him. But Matthew was afraid to lose him. He'd rather have Ivan as a friend, an untouchable friend, than earn his disgust and hate. Aside from the fact that Ivan could (quite happily in fact) make his life a living misery, he even preferred that to the cold shoulder. He could deal with that, but he'd be miserable, but he could deal with that.

What he couldn't deal with was being Alfred's replacement.

Just thinking about it; thinking about Ivan thinking of Alfred, of calling out Alfred's name instead of Matthew, of Alfred's likes and dislikes and mannerisms tainting everything between them, it made him ill. He bit the inside of his cheek and hugged tighter.

How could he tell Ivan that?

Ivan had been stalking his brother for months. Ivan clearly wanted Alfred, so clearly that everyone (but Alfred himself… but maybe Alfred too) could see his wanting. And Matthew was no Alfred. He didn't laugh loudly, beam, and charm his way through life. He didn't charge forward or have a billion friends or get fantastic grades in Calculus. He was quiet and somewhat boring. He occasionally had a beer (or 11, but the party was unusual—for very obvious reasons) and occasionally met up with Sophie's brother for some… less legal activities involving a little pot, but overall he hadn't done meth or coke or drunk himself stupid. He didn't enjoy parties and preferred books or hockey or even hiking/skiing depending on the weather. And just because he held his temper and was a little reserved, most people considered him a pushover. He certainly wasn't Alfred's clone or replacement, not even in body with his slighter frame and curly blonde hair.

"Is Matvey nervous?" Ivan asked in a generous, light tone. Matthew bit down harder, realizing this was getting away from him. "Because I am a dangerous person, _da_? And Matvey is in a shed with me. Who knows what I might do with no interference."

"I think… I'm safe with you, Ivan." Matthew said, feeling innocent and naïve, but meaning it. He did feel safe with Ivan. He had felt that way since the beginning, but it had grown into a warm feeling that encompassed him like a big Ivan-bubble when they were near each other. He forced himself to shuffle closer to where he thought Ivan was standing.

Ivan made a small noise that was a cross between a laugh and a chuckle. Matthew shivered harder, a combination of the thrill at the noise and the cold that blew through a crack in the shed base.

"Matvey should be nervous." Ivan continued in a slightly deeper tone, "Matvey could merely be my plaything. Toys break."

Matthew made a face at being compared to a Barbie doll, but he wasn't remotely surprised. He had observed how Ivan acted around Yao, Ivan's other friend on campus. He liked to tease and taunt. He had seen how Ivan acted around Alfred, pushing buttons and grinning at the reaction. Most of the time it wasn't malicious; Ivan was just seeing what he could get away with. Because he found it fun.

But that didn't make his threat any less real or intimidating.

"Ivan," Matthew started, gathering his thoughts and ignoring his hammering heart. He was doing this assbackwards and while locked in a shed, but he wanted to lay things out clearly. "I want to… I, um, that is…" Matthew stumbled and sniffed in frustration.

"Yes?"

"You don't think I'm like Alfred, do you?"

Ivan hummed, "No, Matvey are not Alfred. Matvey is very different; he is much calmer and quieter."

Great. Great qualities to point out Ivan. Pick the boring, stupid ones that made Matthew such a wallflower.

"But Matvey is the stillness over the ice, hiding the landscape." Ivan continued considering. "There is a lot hidden beneath the surface."

Matthew wasn't sure how he ended up pressed against Ivan's body. His fingers curled into the soft coat and he shivered. Ivan patted him gently on the back but made no move to push him away or pull him closer.

"I don't want to be Alfred's replacement." Matthew whispered into the coat so softly he was sure Ivan couldn't hear half his words. Ivan stood still, his hand moving up to Matthew's hair. He stroked in a measured, soothing rhythm silently. "I can't because then I'll disappear. I'll just be Alfred's clone. There won't be any more Matthew. You'll be fucking Alfred, just like you've been wanting, while Matthew is locked away. And I can't kill Matthew because Matthew wants to live and be free."

Ivan's hand stopped slowly and slipped down to his shoulder. He could feel Ivan lean over, could feel the heat and nearness as Ivan's lips brushed his ear and blew his wayward curls out of the way. He shivered, this time without a trace of cold, and listened.

"I want Matvey. Alfred is not interested." Ivan whispered seductively in a conspirator's whisper. His voice teased and trickled down Matthew's eardrums to his brain.

"So… I'm second choice?" Matthew replied bitterly, "You give up on him and go for the next best thing, right? Because then you can pretend you're at least screwing Alfred."

Ivan pulled away slightly, his fingers griping tighter on Matthew's shoulder. There was a long pause before Ivan replied stonily, "Perhaps Matvey would be a good substitute to Alfred."

Matthew's violet eyes widen in shock and prickled with tears. Ivan had just basically summed up his entire existence. Alfred was God and Matthew was a cheap substitute. It had always been that way. His parents? They forgot him. His friends? They thought he was Alfred. Even random strangers on the street waved and said that was some touchdown. And now Ivan, who he thought actually saw him, said he was fuckable because he looked like Alfred. That was just wonderful. Fucking fantastic.

He yanked himself away and went to the other side of the shed. He wedge between the vehicles, not noticing the tires digging into his ribs or the cold air blowing from under the edge of the shed. He tried not to sob because he knew Ivan could still hear him. Or worse, he'd follow the noise and find him to inflict more pain on him.

He lost track of the time as they sat there in complete silence. Once or twice he had almost called out to Ivan, just to make sure the other had not gone to sleep and frozen or something like that. Or just to make sure he wasn't alone in this dark, lonely shed. But it certainly wasn't because he wanted to talk to the bastard.

All of his deeply hidden fears and insecurities had just been thrown back in his face by someone he trusted.

Eventually he started dozing. He pinched himself then slapped himself to stay awake. He knew he should get up and move but even the chance of accidentally brushing against Ivan forced him to stay still. His head dipped lower and lower then jerked up. The feeble light that seeped in from the cracks was waning and he knew it was going to get colder as the sun went down. He barely noticed when he stopped shivering or when his head hit the tire and stayed there.

And the only thing he could think was he didn't get to spend the rest of the day on the slopes. And that was a damn shame. There was something else nagging at his mind, but all he kept circling around it was he didn't get to go snowboarding, and he had really wanted to.

The next time he came to, he heard Ivan's voice—or he thought it was Ivan's voice, it seemed too deep and less-than-childlike—speaking over him. He was grateful for the dark because Ivan couldn't see him. And he couldn't see Ivan. But he could hear Ivan; really hear him. Not his words but his tone and emotions, which he normally hid behind a smile and giggle.

"Matvey will be okay. Soon someone will come and we can go inside. I am sure the fire is going and it will be very warm and we will not have to be cold anymore." Ivan crooned and Matthew realized that he must be closer than he first thought because the voice was slightly above him. "I hate the cold; I have always hated the cold. It made me so lonely, even with Natalia and Katerina. And then Katerina left, left me, and Natalia too, although not physically. And I was alone. I like warmth and the sun. Do you know why I love sunflowers so dearly? They sunworship when I can't. They follow the sun like a beacon; they are brilliant and bright…"

Matthew missed the next part of Ivan's rambling because he realized, with some fascination, that he was actually tucked against Ivan's side, in his coat. He could feel Ivan's ribs shift and rumble as he spoke. His body had warmed up enough to start shivering again, although he tried to hold it in. Ivan seemed to notice how tense he was because he shifted, pressing Matthew up against his side again. The warmth seeped in from the gesture.

"…Alfred is like the sun. But I am not a sunworshipper like sunflowers. I do not do well with sunburns…"

Matthew tried to listen because he thought Ivan might be saying something important. But he was now warming up and instinctively burrowed closer. He didn't care what Ivan had said earlier as long as the personal heater action didn't stop.

Ivan then leaned down and kissed Matthew on the head. His large hand moved tenderly across Matthew's face, tracing his lips and running across his cheeks.

"You are beautiful." Ivan murmured. Matthew tried to think of another time Ivan had referred to him as 'you' instead of Matvey, but his brain was on par with a slushie machine. Instead he took the compliment at word value. Ivan thought he was beautiful. Ivan liked the way he looked, with his mauve eyes and light, curly hair and angled chin.

"I wish to kiss you." Ivan punctuated this statement with another kiss to the top of the head, "I like you, Matvey, very much, but I do not know how to say such things. In fact, I am somewhat afraid of misstepping. I have not had many close relationships. Matvey and Alfred were my first close friends who were not afraid. Matvey said I was a good person and encouraged me to contact Katerina. Matvey thanked me and kissed me and did not laugh at me. And I love this about Matvey."

Matthew's eyes widened. Now that he was waking up more and actually processing what Ivan was saying, he was stunned. Ivan appreciated him and thought he was beautiful. Ivan thought he was a good friend and wanted to kiss him. This honest ramble, delivered in the most natural tone Matthew had ever heard out of Ivan's mouth, shook his resolve. He could practically feel the loneliness and hope rolling off Ivan.

Maybe he wasn't Alfred's substitute. Maybe Matthew was special to Ivan as Matthew.

"Y-you can k-kiss m-me. Please." Matthew managed to croak out. His throat was filled with crud and he was still shivering a little. But at least his teeth weren't knocking together anymore. That could be awkward and dangerous with the uncontrollable gnashing.

Ivan fell silent, probably in surprise after finding out he had an audience. Matthew took the opportunity to straddle Ivan's lap, careful to not clumsily place a knee in a sensitive place, and he felt around for Ivan's face. His fingers dragged lightly down the round cheeks and brushed over the big nose that he found so adorable. The finger pads whisked over his lips before pressing firmly against them with one finger.

"Let me talk, eh?"

A smile quirked against his finger, "I suppose you will speak whether I wish it or not."

"Yeah, just you try to stop me." Matthew growled playfully to hide his nervousness and sat up straighter. He knew Ivan couldn't see him, but he felt better that way. The dark shielded him, "I… I've liked you. For a long time. And I've wished for this boyfriend thing to be real until it became a prayer. And… and despite not wanting to be in Alfred's shadow, I used him to get to you. Because I knew you liked him. And maybe if I was like Alfred, you'd like me too. It was awful of me, but I just… just wanted to know you better. And now that I know you… I like you even more. You make me feel… safe… and of course, I think your ass is hot. Really hot. And your nose is cute too."

Ivan gave a full chuckle this time and gave a nice squeeze to Matthew's butt with both hands, "Matvey has a nice body as well."

"I have nice lips." Matthew hinted. He didn't want to Ivan to respond before he pushed up. There was a few fumbling seconds where lips were on cheeks and noses and eyelids. But from then on it was just bliss. Matthew rose on his knees and pressed down against Ivan, giving him every bit of stored tension he had in him. There was a lot of tension. Months worth of tension. And he was letting it all pour out.

They ran out of air and energy too soon and he sank down against Ivan's chest. If it weren't so damn cold, he might have had Ivan stripped, but he settled for allowing the cloth to get in the way. His ear fell over Ivan's heart and he could hear it pounding. He enjoyed it as Ivan's chest rose and fell, slowly evening out. He wasn't stupid. He didn't think this was the end of all their troubles. But he knew Ivan liked him, and liked him for him. Or he hoped so. And that was good enough for the moment.

Suddenly the door slammed open.

"Mattie?" Alfred called out hesitantly. He sounded somewhat frantic and worried, "Mattie, are you in here? Oh god, please say you're in here."

"Al…"

Alfred's eyes landed on the two and he let out a huge sigh.

"Why are you two in a shed?"

"It locked us in, you knucklehead." Matthew retorted, "And it took how long to realize I was gone? Geez, I could've died on the mountain or something."

Alfred looked stricken. Apparently the thought had occurred to him somewhere along the frantic search. Matthew was actually a little touched. Alfred ran forward and threw himself on the two. Ivan snuck a feel and Matthew sighed. Yes, there were still some issues to be worked out here.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: To celebrate the last chapter, I am doing another kiriban-type thing. Reviewer 203 and the last reviewer to post by 12/27 will get their choice of fic. In case you didn't get a chance to read my last one, it's called "Cannon's Call." This is the end of the story; however, there are several more side stories I will be posting too :)

* * *

Matthew made flapping motions at Michelle like they would actually scare her off. She just pushed his hands away and peppered him with questions about what happened in the shed. Ivan silently crept up behind her before seizing her shoulders suddenly (causing her to squeak in shock) and shoving her off in the other direction.

"Alfred says it is time for presents." Ivan said with a peaceful look, like he hadn't just flung Michelle across the room. The girl in question had shot him a nasty look before flouncing out answerless. That probably pissed her off more than her twirl-bang into the couch did.

Matthew wasn't surprised that Alfred was so insistent on presents first thing in the morning. He had been like this ever since they were children. Matthew scooped up his cup of coffee and meandered after Ivan's broad back (and nice ass).

Still sleepy, he didn't even notice when Ivan stopped, just stopped behind him. That ended up with him scooped up against Ivan's chest and groggily sucking face under the mistletoe. Ivan only quit because Matthew ended up slobbering coffee practically up his nose. Ivan just made a disgusted noise and set Matthew back down. Matthew sleepily tried to burrow into his back. He wasn't a morning person at the best of times (and had a tee shirt proving it), but yesterday had been too stressful for him. And then he spent half the night trying not to crawl into Ivan's bed.

Ivan moved forward and Matthew dutifully followed like a pack animal. He even fell into Ivan's lap when Ivan sat down and lay there watching Alfred play Santa. Alfred energetically bounced from person to person delivering presents and grinning. Christmas was definitely Alfred's favorite holiday.

Matthew looked around and noticed that pretty much everyone was in the big living room. Roderich had lit the fire, so the room was nice and toasty. Roderich, Liz, Ludwig, and Sophie shared the big sofa across the room while Ivan and Matthew took up one of the chairs. Everyone else was spread out across the rest of the furniture and there was an empty space next to Natalia that was obviously Alfred's. Even Gilbert was sprawled out on the rug with the dogs in front of the fire looking just as disoriented and sleep-shocked as Matthew felt being up before noon.

Once Alfred had doled out the presents (somehow, once again, everyone was over at Roderich's lodge), he bounced back onto the ground by Toris with Katerina and Natalia on the couch behind them. And proceeded to tear into his stack of presents like a wolverine falls on a nest of baby rabbits. Everyone else sedately opened theirs. It was a cluster of happiness and warmth.

Matthew sluggishly opened his, lazily tossing the paper on the floor and mostly just enjoying lying on Ivan. He intended to bask in the glow of being newly sweetheart status as long as he could. Alfred paused slightly to inspect a new shirt and caught Matthew's eye over the shirt. He beamed and gave a thumbs up at Matthew. Matthew stuck his tongue out back at him, and Alfred snickered. He put the shirt down and said something to Toris. Toris looked up, his green eyes startled, then he whispered urgently back to Alfred. Then he realized he had been duped and looked cross. Matthew was so glad that Alfred was across the room; he was sure his brother said something very crude to make Toris jump like that.

"Hey, Matt-Man, can I have a moment?" Gilbert sauntered up, looking more awake than before. He gave Ivan a thinly disguised look of disgust, and Ivan merely smiled back, gloating. Matthew wasn't even going to get in the middle of that.

Matthew reluctantly climbed up and followed Gilbert into a side hallway.

"So Mr. Awesome, what do you have for me today?" Matthew joked and became curious when Gilbert fidgeted in response. He noticed Gilbert holding an awkwardly wrapped present to his side.

"Uh, Mr. Awesome isn't feeling too Awesome right now," Gilbert lamented with a slight smile.

Matthew's smile fell. He had a pretty good idea what this was about and he wasn't too thrilled to be standing here.

"Um, I guess, er, I'm sorry. I don't like Ivan; I think he's a creepy prick. And I think you're too good for him, okay?" Gilbert scowled then wiped his face, "Ya know I love you, man. And I mean that in an awesomely gay way by the way. And, uh, it's your choice if you want to be with that asshole. So I won't say anything else ever again… well, maybe a few times. But I'll try not to… where he can hear me anyway."

Matthew waited patiently. He knew Gilbert had to be giving it his all and that he was being uncharacteristically sincere. He had always been fairly open with Matthew, they had an easy relationship, but this must be killing him.

"Here. I made it myself. Uh, with Phia's help. It's not maple, sorry, dude, but that's too pussy for the Awesome me. But since I made it, it will be good, I promise you."

Matthew stared at the package warily, "What is it?"

"Ah, something Toni told me about. It's good!"

Unconvinced, Matthew gingerly opened it. It didn't look good.

"Did you taste it?"

Gilbert wrinkled up his nose, "Yeah."

"Liar!"

"I'm not lying…" Gilbert shot back and trailed off, "Just try it, okay? I put a lot of effort into it."

Matthew smiled and gave Gilbert a quick hug. He was tempted to slip the fudge into Gilbert's pocket and instead held onto it. He wasn't entirely sure it wasn't something nasty or prankish, but he couldn't give it back without hurting Gilbert's feelings. Instead, he'd let Alfred try it first. Alfred seemed to have no tastebuds from years of Arthur's cooking.

"Thanks."

Gilbert gave him a searching look, "If he hurts you, you tell me."

"If he hurts me, I'll kick his ass myself thank you very much." Matthew replied but without any acidity.

"I mean it. If he hurts you mentally, physically, or psychologically, tell me." Gilbert repeated seriously, "And I'll do more than just kick his ass."

"Got it." Matthew said, knowing nothing else would suffice. He was touched by the concern, and 100% sure Alfred would get to Ivan first if anything happened, so there wouldn't be much left for Gilbert anyway.

"Look lively there. Go have a good fuck; you need it. I'm tired of you raping the guy with your eyes." Gilbert grinned, a hint of humor in his eyes, and he gave Matthew his customary slap to the ass.

By the time Matthew got back to the main room most people had gone back to their rooms to get dressed and pack their presents and get ready for the last day on the slopes. Ivan and Alfred were having a huddled whisper conference in the corner. Matthew just stood and watched, guessing that Ivan was getting the flip side of the talk that Gilbert just had with Matthew. Except going by the way Alfred pointing and stabbing his finger at Ivan and the way Ivan's face was clouded over, Ivan wasn't getting the abbreviated version.

"Okay Alfred, that's enough."

Alfred stopped and looked at Matthew seriously, "I was just laying out the rules, Mattie. Since Dad's not here to do it." And Dad wouldn't do it anyway because in his mind Matthew would not be dating Ivan.

"Got it Ivan? Are we on the level?"

"I do not understand what that means, but I understand you very well." Ivan replied, still looking irritated.

"Awesomesauce. I'm off to get me some powder. Comin'?" Alfred asked as he clapped Ivan on the shoulder oblivious to Ivan's ire. He withdrew his fingers fast as a snake when Ivan made a grab for them and stepped out of reach.

"In a few minutes."

"Cool."

Matthew sat on the chair's arm and gave Ivan a chaste kiss and just held it.

"Sorry. I should've warned you or something." Matthew murmured against Ivan's lips and enjoyed it with Ivan rumbled with amused, "Matvey would not stop Alfred."

"No one can stop Alfred when he sets his mind on something. He's too stubborn." Matthew groused, remembering the time he tried to convince Alfred that putting a sled on the top of a fallen tree and riding it down the icy trunk was not a great idea. Alfred broke his nose and ate snow but still came up whooping with excitement.

"Perhaps this applies to Matvey too?" Ivan teased.

"Yeah, I'm pretty bad about it too. Good thing I didn't give up on you, right? Because you took _forever_ to catch on." Matthew teased back, "Do that make you the girl since I asked you?"

Ivan scowled, "Neither of us is a girl."

"That's not… never mind." Matthew gave a huff and added, "I can't wait to get home when Alfred's not there."

Ivan nodded in agreement.


	23. Side Story 1

A/N: Happy Holidays everyone. Here's some well deserved AlxNat.

Natalia sat quietly, enjoying the quiet and the fire that was blazing behind her. It was the last day of their holiday in the mountains and most of the other people were outside skiing or skating. She was dressed to go out, but she was taking a moment to be alone and think.

And she had a lot to think about.

She was considering going back home after the break. There was little reason to stay in America now, when she had lost Ivan. Bitterness and disappointment clawed at her, but she fought it. She had lost her hope, lost it to another. But Ivan seemed content, a small silver lining in her misery. There was not much to tempt her about the goodness of life right now.

As a child, she had grown up adoring Ivan. He was her playmate and her protector. When she was told that they were to be married, it seemed like a dream come true. She would marry Ivan, they would have children and make a life together; she wouldn't have to face uncertainty or cruelty because she knew Ivan loved her, cherished her. Once she was married, then she was an adult; she would cease to be the sick child everyone doted on and worried over. She could be independent because Ivan would understand. He would support her decisions.

But he was not as happy with their parents' decree as she was. He drew away, baffling and hurting her. Didn't Ivan like her anymore? Had she done something wrong? Didn't Ivan want to be her husband? She would be a good wife for him.

The harder she tried to hold on to him, to convince him she would be a good wife, the more he ran away. She didn't think he was playing hard to get, not at all. But she had no idea how to tell him about her devotion, so she just tried harder to show him, to convince him.

And he merely continued to shatter her dream, her perfect future time and time again.

Eventually she wasn't even sure she wanted to marry Ivan; he obviously no longer cared for her. In fact, he seemed to hate her. He hurt her and ran from her. When he disappeared to America without a word, she almost gave up. Ivan did not love her.

But she had seen an opportunity, a way to be independent and away from her family's wishes. She could go to America too, under the guise of accompanying Ivan, and she could do what she wished. Her plan, as ill-thought out and hasty as it was, had worked. She was in America, living with a friendly American family, taking ice skating lessons (her family would be appalled that she was willingly subjecting herself to cold!), taking classes, and doing things she could have only wished for back home.

So when she found Ivan, she went through the motions of chasing him, convincing herself that if she tried hard enough, he'd love her back. The more she chased and the more she convinced, the more she actually thought she did want Ivan.

And she may have falsely stayed in love with Ivan, if not for Alfred.

Alfred.

The man was a puzzle to her.

He was bright and energetic and quite intelligent, yet he missed the simplest things imaginable. He did not notice her disapproving glances and seemed immune to disappointment. He ate the most disgusting food and was loud and persistent, annoyingly so. He held and went to loud, drunken parties and played American football, which she could not understand the appeal of. He also harassed his brother and Ivan frequently, sometimes crudely, as well as his close friends, needling and mocking them. He was immensely popular and girls tried to catch his interest where ever he went. He had to know everyone else's business, including hers, and frequently wedged himself into business that did not concern him.

But he was also very caring and kind and patient. He carelessly threw his help around to whoever requested it, not paying attention to what he received in return. She knew he volunteered at the local YMCA on the weeknights he didn't follow her to ice skating (she had, of course, noticed him immediately). He supported his brother unconditionally, which Natalia had hated most of all, despite pretending she could not tell the difference between the two. She was aware of Alfred's part in Ivan's recent conquest, and she could not bring herself to forgive him for it.

But he wanted her.

He was kind and patient with her, taking her scolding and rebuffs graciously and coming back for more. He flattered her, he complimented her, and his whole face lit up blindingly when he saw her. She was not foolish enough to think he did that for others; she had seen the polite, charismatic smiles he gave other girls.

When he had held his hand out to her on the ice, she reluctantly consented. But as they flowed through the dance seamlessly, she couldn't help but notice his grace and gentleness and warmth. He executed the routine flawlessly, holding her just firmly enough to keep her from falling but allowing her to complete her part of the dance. They fit together like years-old partners, not two individuals who danced together for the first time.

It was beautiful.

It was frightening.

He had started out as an obstacle and now she was not sure what he was to her. She was only just becoming aware of how she acted around him without thinking. How she unconsciously tracked him with her eyes or scooted over in silent invitation to sit near her. How she let him touch her in ways she had hoped Ivan would, holding her hands and even kissing her.

She had lied when she said Matvey was the better kisser. She was hoping to dissuade Ivan from Alfred, although she hadn't specifically thought of it that way until later that night in the dark. Since when was she coveting something Ivan wanted? Since when did she want something other than Ivan?

"Hey, can I sit here?"

She jumped in surprise and whirled to see the object of her thoughts. He was holding two mugs and had a happy smile on his face. He was also wind-whipped and had rapidly melting snowflakes in his hair.

She moved over in invitation and he handed her a mug. It was coffee, of course, but she held it between her hands savoring the warmth. He plopped down next to her, drinking his coffee noisily (he did most things noisily, she noticed).

"Going out? It's the last day here." Alfred finally said. He gave a lazy tilt of his head towards the window, his mouth still hovering over the coffee and a smirk on his face, "We could go up on the hills together."

She knew Alfred was surprisingly good at skiing, as was his brother. Ivan was quite good as well, which she was sure Matvey was going to find out on the advanced slopes today. If he had been under the assumption that Ivan was a poor skier because Ivan had been ignoring and avoiding him, then he was not that bright. The vindictive part of her hoped that Matvey suffered for his arrogant assumptions. She didn't bother to smother it.

She accepted that Ivan loved another, but she was not attempting to be cordial or amiable about it.

"No thank you." Natalia replied, pretending to still look out the window. "I was thinking alone. It is quiet and easy to concentrate here."

And it had been, since Feliks, Michelle, and Elizabetha had migrated to another lodge. There was literally no one else left in the lodge before Alfred came.

"Oh, shit, sorry. I thought you might want some coffee or something cuz you were just chillin'." Alfred looked crestfallen, like he had just stomped on her foot in a dance. He made to get up, "I'll go. You continue on."

Impulsively she grabbed his hand. He froze and gave her a wide-eyed look. She almost dropped his hand, but she forced herself to tug him back down. He complied immediately, still looking at her questioningly. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment and she hung on tighter.

"Please stay." She managed to say, her lips and tongue fighting her for every short syllable. She almost spilled them out in her native tongue, she was fumbling so much. Taking a massive breath, and fighting off shyness and propriety, she whispered hurriedly, "I enjoy your company."

Alfred gave her a brilliant smile, practically radiating joy, and she felt a small shiver go through her. She could make him this happy, so happy the whole world could see it.

"Er, I got you something." Alfred said excited and awkward. He fished around in his coat pocket and pulled out a small, velvet box. He flushed and stammered, "I didn't want to give it to you in front of everyone this morning. Um, I didn't even know if you'd like it. But I… Merry Christmas Natalia."

Natalia put her hands out and felt the soft box nestle innocently in her palm. Of course, her first thought was that it was a ring, and a range of emotions flashed through her. But then she realized that he had said Christmas. So it was a Christmas gift of some kind.

Slowly, she pried open the box and peered inside, her hand falling down across her face. In the silk compartment, a beautiful necklace nestled. The chain coiled gracefully over the curves of the box and glistened in the sunlight. A small, delicate chrysanthemum, crafted carefully out of what looked like a pearl with silver petal outlines hung in the center.

She ran a delicate finger over it, caressing it softly, appreciating the intricate craftsmanship of the piece.

"I instantly thought it suited you." Alfred's voice broke into her silent observation. He reached over her wrist and carefully threaded the chain through his big fingers. He motioned towards her and she nodded, pulling her hair back and letting him clasp the necklace around her neck. "There. You make it look beautiful, Natalia."

Natalia felt like she couldn't breathe. She prided herself on her composure; she was cool, distant, above it all. It was the only way she could be as a child, to avoid being pitied. But now she was torn in so many different directions, and she couldn't do a thing. She didn't know _how_. She didn't know how to bring people close, how to make them love her, she only knew how to drive them away; Ivan was proof of that.

She couldn't do a thing she wanted, so she cried.

Cried in frustration, cried in loneliness, cried in loss. Cried in happiness and joy. Cried in confusion.

She couldn't remember the last time she had just cried.

And Alfred just drew her in close and held her to his chest. Eventually her sobs died down, leaving her drained but also lighter. Alfred let her go, searching her face with endless-sky blue eyes, worried and concerned. He put his thumb to her cheek and wiped off a stray tear gently.

"Better now? I didn't mean to make you cry." Alfred truly sounded sorry. "I thought you'd like it."

She swallowed, mastering herself again, and said deliberately, "Thank you, Alfred. It is beautiful. I will cherish it. Thank you."

And she knew she wasn't just saying thank you for only the necklace. Alfred gave her an understanding smile, and she knew that he understood what she was trying to say.

"Do you want to go skating then?"

She wiped her face a few more times before nodding and fingering the necklace. The word partners sprang unbidden to her mind and she just gave a small smile.


	24. Side Story 2

A/n: Happy New Years a tad belated.

Alfred was dreamily staring into space and Matthew wasn't sure he wanted to know why. He was fairly sure it wasn't because McDonald's brought back his favorite seasonal item of lard and sugar and things not found in nature. Although if he had to hear about it, smell it, or see it one more time he was going to change the locks when Alfred was out harassing Natalia.

No, he had that disturbing look that meant he was fantasizing about things normal young men wouldn't even register.

"Do you want kids?"

Yup, what did Matthew just say? Most guys said that magic words in regards to the word kid: not mine.

"Uh, no." Matthew responded.

Alfred gave a lazy smile, "But if you could have kids I mean. Y'know, they'd look super cute. Beautiful."

"Did you just call my hypothetical child 'beautiful?'"

"Well, the nose might be a little big… but that's easily fixed with a quick trip to Thailand… but yeah. Silvery-blond curls and big, blue-violet eyes? With your pixie chin and Ivan's cheekbones… your kid would totally be beautiful. You got the genes, bro."

"And how many kids are you planning to have?"

"Hmm, I dunno. Six? Six is a nice number." Alfred grinned, looking appallingly happy at the thought of filling his future home with six noisy, screaming, pseudo-humans who smear shit on the wall.

"When would you stop?" Matthew groaned, "Six is obviously not enough. Are you trying to repopulate the world? This isn't the aftermath of Zombieland you know."

"I'll stop when you start… I'm having to do your share too, man. You gene-slacker."

Ivan rejoined them, smiling and looking between the two brothers. The three of them were waiting for Toris so they could go bowling.

Alfred reached up and poked Ivan's cheeks antagonizing, "See what I mean. Freakin' adorable. Fat widdle cheekie weekies."

Ivan made a lightning-fast grab, faster than usual, and actually snagged Alfred's index finger. With a mirthless smile, he started slowly bending while Alfred whined and struggled.

"What the hell? Lemme go, lemme go. OWW, you friggin' commie." Alfred snarled and finally yanked his finger away with a particularly nasty popping sound. He inspected it mournfully and turned to Matthew, "Here's hoping the kid has YOUR temperament. The guy here is missing the passive in passive-aggressive, and no one likes a bully."

Ivan cocked his head, "Child? You have a child, Matvey?"

Matthew, who has quietly been minding his own business and gazing in some shop windows, jumped and blinked. He barely caught himself from blurting out if he was on Jerry Springer or something. Instead his vacant mind transcribed the last few minutes and it all made more sense.

"No. Al's being stupid. He thinks we should have kids."

"That is not possible." Ivan stated plainly looking at Alfred like he should know that male mammals couldn't get knocked up and have babies. The plumbing wasn't there. And even kids knew that you don't just poop babies out of your colon. It came from your tummy, duh… although so did poop… wait, never mind.

Alfred brushed his statement aside, "Mommy Mattie. I think I see the glow."

Matthew's lips curled up into a gleeful smirk, "Who says I'm the one carrying?"

Alfred started laughing and laughing. He paused to look at Matthew, "You're serious?"

Matthew nodded with an appropriately straight face.

Alfred thought about it for a full 73 seconds before he grabbed his head and started screaming bloody murder, "Too much information! TMITMITMI… Christ on a cracker!"

"What are you guys talking about now?" Toris asked as he skirted around Ivan and stood on the other side of Alfred. Alfred made a few more faces of absolute I-can't-believe-my-brother-tops horror before saying calmly, "Ivan and Matthew's baby."

Toris looked at him suspiciously.

Alfred nodded sagely, "You see, Ivan's really name is Ivanna, and she's a cross dresser. And my slut of a brother here knocked her up. So let this be a lesson to you about Kat, okay?"

Toris blinked, "I'm pretty sure she's not a cross-dresser…"

Matthew was pretty sure too.

"…I mean about the bun in the oven." Alfred elaborated and Ivan and Toris blinked while Matthew groaned.

"Yaknow, eggo is preggo? Be-child'd? Up the duff?" Alfred added for good measure and Ivan frowned, "I do not understand your garbled American slang."

"In the family way then." Alfred said with a nod, "Use condoms."

That was rich, from the guy that was asking how to USE a condom just a few months ago. Since when did he become the safe sex police? Next he'd be confiscating Matthew's weed and dumping the vodka down the sink.

Toris finally got the point and flushed a bright red while slinking away from a still vaguely clueless Ivan. Ivan's purple eyes were narrowed at Alfred, as if he were only getting the gist and suspected that Alfred was having a grand joke on his behalf.

"But really, like I was telling Mattie, you'd have beautiful children. Fat, healthy, little tow heads with pale eye lashes and ash blond hair."

Ivan looked affronted, "My child is not fat."

"All babies are fat; that's part of their charm." Alfred countered, clearly enjoying himself too much to actually shut the hell up, "Except, y'know, those starving babies in Africa and shit… aww, poor babies. We should send money to them!"

Matthew rolled his eyes. Did Alfred ever give it a rest? How many other people were so generously sending their hard-earned money to help the poor babies overseas and completely ignored the babies in their home countries who were starving or sick or homeless? He couldn't fault Alfred too hard, but there came a point where you should take care of your own before others.

"Really, the your baby would look better than Feliks does now." Alfred adding topic bouncing in a way that would make a world class ping ponger jealous.

"Alfred!" Toris protested.

"Sorry, Felica, or whatever she's called now. I saw the pictures… who'd'athunkit."

"Felicity." Toris sighed, "And please stop that."

Alfred was already off on the next topic as he grabbed Toris and dragged the poor guy ahead of Ivan and Matthew.

"I do not like children." Ivan remarked, "But I believe Matvey would have nice children."

"But that's not happening, eh? Don't worry; I'm sure Alfred and Natalia will have enough children to make up for both you and me not being in the gene pool." Matthew replied morosely. Just the thought of those two trying to repopulate the world was beyond scary. He could just see the blond hair, blue eyed spawns of Alfred and the Wicked Witch of the West running around with hamburgers and knives.

Ivan looped his arm and he did indulge in the fantasy of having children. He stopped after about 3.1 seconds because it was making him sick to his stomach. He was pretty sure the childless life was for him, preferably with Ivan and maybe a fish tank or some potted plants. He could handle that kind of responsibility.


	25. Side Story 3

A/N: Sorry for the late update; I spent a glorious two weeks in Cambodia! Also, no MattxIvan, but next week there will be :)

Side Story 3

"And they lived happily ever after."

Toris sighed and shut the book tiredly. Raivis was cuddled up with the stuffed cat Toris had bought him to replace the real one. He gave another sigh and a fond smile before glancing at Eduard. His brother was curled up on a chair with his laptop in his lap, quietly working on his school work. His typing paused and he slowly closed the computer cutting off the glow and leaving just the nightlight.

"He is far too old for that." Eduard said softly, casting a look at their youngest brother. Toris gave a shrug in reply. He knew that he babied Raivis, but they had such a hard life and moving to America had turned Raivis into a nervous wreck. "You're killing yourself working so much."

"It's okay."

Toris knew it wasn't really, but he said the lie anyway. He always said it. He knew they were barely scraping by. Toris was a licensed massage therapist and he did work on clients, but business was slow to build and there was a lot of competition in the area. So he held a full time job at the local department store in the Men's shoes section to pay the bills. Eduard worked as well, at a computer repair shop, but he had class. And even that had not been enough to save their apartment.

"That was a lovely story, Toris."

And so they moved in with Katerina.

Both Toris and Eduard had opposed the idea, although for different reasons. Toris simply couldn't imagine taking advantage of his friend and client that way. But in the end, there wasn't much choice. He just hoped her brother never found out. For his health and sanity.

"Thank you. I wish it were true. The happily ever after part."

Katerina gave him a simple smile and patted his shoulder comforting, "It will happen. We will get a happily ever after."

"Someday." Toris replied wistfully as he paused at the door to his room, "Good night."

"Good night Toris."

He shut the door and went to change into his night clothes. His room was small and impersonal. There were a few small personal items on the small night stand and on the dresser. Just a few pictures of his brothers, his old home, his friend Feliks, and newer pictures of Alfred and Katerina and Ivan and Alfred's brother. A few artifacts from his homeland. Everything else belonged to Katerina. He felt like he was invading her space (this room had been her office/book room). He had said he would share with his brothers, but she insisted on giving him the room, saying the guest room was too small for three people.

He barely changed and brushed his teeth before falling back with an exhausted sighed. Tomorrow would be another fourteen hour day. At least the day after was his day off from the department store and he could rest.

His head barely hit the pillow before he was asleep. He didn't notice the storm rolling in.

"…ris… Tor…wake…?"

Toris groggily tried to open his eyes. Blinking sluggishly, he tried to see who was calling him.

"Oh, I am so sorry! I woke Toris up." Katerina was peering around the door jam. Toris couldn't see her face very well until lightning flashed. He got a glimpse of big eyes and a puckered up mouth and he realized she was on the verge of tears. "I just thought… the storm might have woke Toris. I will go."

"No, s'kay," Toris mumbled, "C'mere."

She hesitantly crept in and jumped, squeaking sharply when another peal of thunder rumbled through the house. With a dive, she was suddenly in bed with him. The small twin bed groaned and bucked at the rough landing and Toris oofed as her chest and shoulders landed on his stomach. He could feel her shaking and shivering.

"Here…" Toris scooted against the wall and patted the open space in invitation. She willingly wiggled into the space and pressed her face against his chest when the apartment shook again. He tentatively put his hand on her back and made shushing noises.

Pretend she's Raivis, pretend she's Raivis.

Toris slowly relaxed, surprised Raivis didn't beat Katerina to his bed in the first place. Then again, maybe the kid was so tired he slept through it all.

"Toris, tell me a bedtime story, please?"

"What?"

"Please. The storm scares me!" Katerina whispered pleadingly, "A story will take me away."

"Well, once upon a time, there was a poor boy. His homeland was very beautiful but he had many neighbors that coveted it. There were the pious knights to the south, who wished to make the poor boy a Christian, he was a Pagan you see. The knights frequently raided and attacked the boy's homeland, led by their leader, who had wicked ruby red eyes. To the east, there was a big, brutal land. The land was big but still growing. The people of the land had a hard life and were lonely and snowbound. The boy's homeland shared a border with one neighbor and he had a good friend who lived there. These two lands had an alliance and shared in recent past history. There were many other neighbors, some from so far away that came on horseback, some who made daily life full of perils for the common folk.

The boy himself was poor but happy. He had two younger brothers and applied himself diligently as a medicines peddler. His family was not rich enough to apprentice him to a doctor, so he studied herbs and cures, those that he already knew, and those he learned from the local midwife. It was not a good living and he was frequently away from home.

On a return for an especially hard trip, he discovered his village on fire. Frantically, he ran home to find it empty, all the animals slaughtered and the small garden trampled. Since their house was on the outskirts of the village, the house was miraculously not burnt, but he turned to watch the other houses burn to cinders. Hours later, after he had cried and tried to repair his destroyed garden, he sat miserably. Slowly, people came out of the woods and trickled back into the village, lamenting their lost homes and loved ones.

'Where are my brothers?' the boy asked the old midwife she crept back fearfully. She shook her head, 'South. They were taken. Forget them boy, they are dead to you now.'

But the boy could not forget because they were his only family and he loved them dearly."

Katerina made a small noise of sympathy against Toris' chest. He could feel her tremors slowing down.

"So, although he was terrified, he packed up the rest of his stores and unburied the money he had hidden under the hearth in savings. Since the invaders had stolen his donkey, or so he supposed since it was gone, he loaded up a handcart and set off with few good-byes.

His journey was treacherous and soon enough he ran out of supplies and money. He sat on a bridge suspended above a river and stared down, thinking, if I jump and die it will be the same as now; but I will not be hungry or cold, and I will never find my brothers anyway. The more he thought, the more the river called to him, for he could not swim and the current was swift.

Just as he made to jump, a voice startled him. It was a local maid, who had come to the river to fetch water. She bid him to stop and asked his story. She was very sad for him, for she had a brother of her own who had go away to the neighbors of the east. Inviting him home, she fed and sheltered him for the night. The next morning he felt renewed and eager to continue. When he tried to give him thanks and leave he was very surprised to find she wished to go with him.

They traveled further south, noticing as the air became warmer, for they had traveled through the winter. One day the boy awoke with shivers. He knew, as a medicines peddler, that he was very ill, but they had no money for a doctor nor a doctor to visit.

'But I am a mid-wife's apprentice!' the girl cried when she saw he was sick, 'Tell me what to use and I will make you better.'

It was a harsh week for both. The boy was wracked with fevers, chills, sweats, and all manner of other ill feelings. The girl diligently made him medicines and forced him to drink plant broths, for they had no meats, which would have been better for his sick body. Slowly the fever left his body; he was weak but alive.

They were forced to stay at a local monastery, begging sanctity and care from the monks. The monks were very kind and informed them that they were close to their goal, and that all captured peoples were sold in the biggest city of the country. This city was merely a week's walk away.

The boy rejoiced, for it seemed the end of his journey was near. It did not occur to him how big the city might be or how he would buy his brothers' freedom with no money. However, he did realize that soon he would be parted from the girl, whom he had grown to love over their journey.

While most men would love her for her appearance, for she was well endowed and quite attractive, he loved her sweet temper and tender heart. He enjoyed her company and conversations and respected her devotion to her goals. He would be heartbroken to leave her."

Katerina was breathing deeply by now, her shivering had died away. Toris wasn't even sure she was still awake and wondered how he always ended up in such awkward situations. He most certainly could not sleep with her the whole night through, no matter how innocently, but he was trapped against the wall firmly. If he tried to get up and sleep on the couch, he would wake her up.

While he was considering, her voice mumbled, "So what does the boy do? Did he stay with his love?"

Taking a deep breath, Toris continued the story.

"But he could not tell her that he loved her. He knew she would want to return to her village and marry some handsome young man she had grown up with. He was a nobody with no riches and no land. He did not even have a home to offer her, for he was sure his old home had been taken when he left.

So he said nothing as they walked towards the city.

The monks were true to their word, for within the week they arrived at the biggest city they had ever seen. People, carts, animals, and children crowded the streets, packed together so tightly they could barely move. The city smelled of manure, sewage, cooking meat, and unwashed bodies. The sights and sounds were overwhelming, but the boy was determined to find his brothers.

After inquiring, they found where captives were sold.

The boy despaired. Now what?

As luck had it, the girl's brother, who had gone to the land to the east had become quite powerful. He spotted them and made a deal with the boy. If he would come live at the brother's house, then the brother would purchase the boy's siblings. The boy gratefully agreed and the sister was overjoyed.

Living in the land to the east was hard on the boy and his brothers, as well as the sister, who occasionally visited, for the brother was harsh and sometimes unfair. But the boy honored his agreement, and over time he grew to be a man. He requested his freedom, but he had never forgotten his love for the girl.

Reluctantly, he was freed from his contract, and he went home with his brothers. But he was not content. Hoping against hope, he worked hard and built up a small homestead. Once he was secure in his riches, he rode his horse to the girl's village.

She greeted him happily and invited him to stay the night. As he had wished and hoped, she did not have a husband yet.

He proposed to her. She smiled at him and told him she had been waiting for so long. They were married that week and settled into a life full of happiness and love. The boy had many children and grandchildren, and he and his wife lived long, healthy lives full of friends and family."

"That was a lovely story." Katerina mumbled.

Toris realized that the storm had blown over. A warm silence blanketed them for the moment and Toris felt his eyelids fluttered. He was sure it was well after midnight and he had to get up at 5 to catch the bus.

He felt Katerina get off the bed. She shuffled around at the edge of the bed, probably shivering at the chill, before standing up. Toris opened his mouth to say good night but found soft lips pressed against his own. He barely dared to breathe, half afraid that this was a dream.

She drew back and whispered on her way out, "The girl is still waiting. Do not take too long."

Toris grinned stupidly in the dark.


	26. Side Story 4

A/N: Not the smoothest chapter, sorry. And I love my cheap Daiso scarf :)

Side Story 4

* * *

"Tell me about this." Matthew teased carefully and tugged gently on Ivan's scarf. The two were sprawled out after a very satisfying make out session and maybe a little bit further in warm contentment. Alfred was gone… well, who cared, he was gone. And the house was silent.

Ivan's beautiful eyes slid open glassily and gave Matthew an adorably befuddled look.

"I purchased it at K-Mart years ago." Ivan replied sleepily and flopped back down.

Matthew squeaked, "You're kidding."

Ivan grunted and sighed. His voice was perplexed as he responded, "Should I be kidding?"

Matthew was still attempting to process… from K-Mart? He was homicidally protective of a strip of fabric that was probably made in some sweatshop in Malaysia FROM K-Mart? The same scarf he regularly caused bodily harm over and let no one touch it for fear of severed limbs… FROM K-Mart? The scarf he tended like a newborn was FROM K-Mart.

"Um, no. I just thought it held some deeper meaning." Matthew finally stuttered as he brain finished processing.

Ivan's eyes were now both open and he was starting to look annoyed.

"It does Matvey. I like it very much; it is not replaceable." Ivan's voice reflected his irritated look and he huffed, pulling the scarf out of Matthew's fingers. Did not replaceable mean some kind of double talk? Or did he mean that particular scarf was no longer made in China? Or did he really just like THAT scarf and wanted to keep it as long as possible?

"That's it?" Matthew realized he was heading into dangerous territory but it came out of his lips without warning. He'd been hanging around Alfred too long… talk first, deal with the spine-crushing consequences later with a laugh.

Instead of bringing Matthew into a bear hug of Death, Ivan started pouting. Matthew was wishing to be paralyzed from the waist (wait, waist, no, legs, yes, legs; there were important bits above the legs but below the waist) rather than see Ivan pout like a large, particularly angry child.

"Yes."

And that was the end of that particularly lame and spectacularly fail conversation. Matthew still spent several hours eyeing the scarf before he finally dozed off. Alfred's accusations of 'you think too much' was coming back to haunt him.

* * *

"Dude, he was totally lying to you." Alfred laughed obnoxiously and mashed a complex pattern into the controller executing a perfect killing blow, "Besides, didn't Wal-Mart annihilate all the K-Marts? They're like an extinct dino or something."

"Ivan wouldn't lie to me." Matthew muttered as he watched his electronic character writhe in the agony of defeat. Even as he said it, he knew Ivan certainly would lie to him, if Ivan thought it wasn't any of his business or for some other secret reason that only he could know.

"Sure—oh, ouch, did you even try? I killed you deader than dead man." Alfred crowed and gave a solid punch. When Matthew didn't punch back the grin slid from his face, "Bro, Ivan adores you. Quit being a chick and man-up. Be a little more insensitive, will ya?"

"Oh, and just who was wailing like a puppy who got swatted with a newspaper yesterday? The neighbors called the pound thinking you were killing an animal."

"See, this is exactly what I mean. Quit PSMing and being a passive-aggressive bitch." Alfred reprimanded with a flush, "And I was not wailing. I was expressing my distress in a gentlemanly fashion."

"Arthur would be rolling in his grave if he were dead."

Alfred chuckled half-fondly and have devilishly at the mention of his best friend, "Right now he's probably more concerned with the fact Francis is balls-deep."

"Or in the middle of another horrific break-up. They have managed to stay together for two and a half weeks this time. I think that's a record of some kind." Matthew rolled his eyes at his brother's crassness. Alfred just had to be in everyone's business—well, it was hard NOT to be in Arthur and Francis' business as they aired their dirty laundry off the school roof like a proud flag of discord.

Alfred shrugged and clicked off the tv, "You want me to ask Ivan?"

Matthew was horrified. He knew Alfred meant well, but his methods… they let a little to be desired. And since one of his chief pleasures in life seemed to involve playfully tormenting Ivan in a thick and sometimes emotionally painful manner… No, not a good idea. Not at all.

"Um, what?" Matthew managed while thinking of the bazillion distractions he could have used. Actually, the easiest one would be 'blah blah blah Natalia…' It could be oh no, the space aliens are autopsying Natalia, go save her! And Alfred would go charging away off-topic.

"About the scarf." Alfred sighed in exasperation, "You're such a space-case."

That was rich coming from the King of the Clouds.

Matthew thought about it (burying his doubts with a bulldozer for the moment). Didn't he trust Ivan? Who cared where his scarf came from… the one he wore in all weather and treated like it was spun from gold and baptized with precious spices.

"That's okay…"

"Dammit, now you've gone and got me all curious too." Alfred grumbled, "I hate being all nosy and stuff."

Riiiiiiiiiight. Like a pig hated rolling mud or a middle aged house wife hated soaps.

Well, there was no stopping him not that he had a personal, vested interest.

* * *

Matthew stared at his brother. He pushed down the hysterical need to roll on the ground clutching his stomach. Instead he managed a fairly even, "Nice shiner."

"You should see the other guy." Alfred retorted with a wince.

Matthew made himself act normal and doodled on the margin of his math homework, "I'm sure Ivan looks pristine. What'd he say?"

"He punched me." Alfred whined.

"And?" Matthew knew Alfred was being melodramatic. Ivan took jabs at him all the time. And the shiner, while unattractive, really wasn't that bad. Although Ivan didn't usually leave marks, so he must have been really irked. It was just as likely Alfred walked into a stop sign while reaching down to pet a kitten or got smacked in the face by a vicious old lady who really needed help to the cemetery and not across the street.

Or Ivan really did deck him harder than usual.

They were all viable scenarios when concerning his brother.

Alfred sulked. Yeah, Ivan actually did punch him this time.

"Wow, you must have really pissed him off. He hasn't punched you hard enough to bruise in a month and a half." Matthew whistled and a giggle slipped out.

Alfred shot him a half-dirty, half-pained glare, "I don't have the luxury of sticking my hands down his pants when he's pissed like that."

Ouch.

In his current snit, sympathy or condolences wouldn't go far, but Matthew had to try anyway. It was partly his fault after all. And Alfred was his brother and Ivan was his boyfriend. And Alfred was uncharacteristically angry, truly angry at the moment.

"Do you need some ice? We're fresh outta raw steak."

A small smile broke through his brother's nasty scowl.

"Ice it is then. I slaughtered the last cow in our backyard to make some leather a week ago." Alfred teased back, still a bit dark, "And tell your douchebag boyfriend assault is a punishable offense."

"Tell him yourself." Matthew called over his shoulder as he went to get a bag of ice.

* * *

"So, y'know, isn't the jackass cooking? Not that I care, the bastard would be the world a favor by frying and all, but we're in a sauna." Gilbert complained pointing at Ivan, who despite being in the oh-so-delicious nude, still had the scarf around his neck. Gilbert had given up on his 'be nice to Ivan for Matthew's sake campaign' a week after Christmas. It degraded into pretend nice then into subtle (for Gilbert) insults. And then reverted to outright criticism. Same same.

"He got some nasty scars or is he a leper?"

"Why don't you ask him then?"

Gilbert paused to consider, "What'd he say to you, oh-revered-boyfriend."

"K-Mart."

"What the fuck? Matt-Man, that makes shitall sense." Gilbert hissed and chuckled darkly.

"You're telling me." Matthew wasn't going to get into this with Gilbert. He just wasn't. He was just going to nod and take a step back when the fists went flying.

"Uh-oh, trouble in paradise?" Gilbert pressed eagerly. His shit-eating grin was in full-force, "Up for some good, hard, angry sex? I have a tight schedule, but for an old flame, I'm more than happy to make some time."

"You're an asshole." Matthew couldn't catch it before it went out. Way too much time with Alfred. He needed to get his mind-mouth filter tuned soon; this could get embarrassing to his quiet, friendly reputation. And then how could he pull a Jaws on some poor, unsuspecting dumbass? It just killed the look of surprise if they were expecting it.

"That's the part of me you're interested in anyway." Gilbert retorted, showing his canines.

Matthew looked him up and down slowly then laughed softly, "There may be some other useful parts too."

"Damn straight, and in great working order they are." Gilbert gave a sexy, cocky smirk.

"You sound like a used car salesman."

Gilbert's look melted into outrage and he stuck his tongue out. He leaned closer to Matthew and draped an arm around his shoulders, pushing their hips together, "Well, then I've got a deal for you…"

"Gil…" Matthew warned seeing Ivan ambling over towards them. His warning tapered off as his eyes (and his body) greedily watched as Ivan walked towards them with a full frontal view. He clenched his fists and swallowed slightly, feeling the sweat drip down his face and a very familiar, potentially embarrassing sensation building between his bent knees.

"You're gonna drown Matt-Man." Gilbert said waspishly, "Your brother is an idiot to think you were a virgin."

Matthew licked his lips and didn't reply. In his mind's eye, he was already running his hands down firm outer thighs then back up over solid hips before migrating back down at an inward angle. Given Ivan's generous proportions, it wouldn't take long for his questing fingertips to reach curly hairs. And from there it'd be easy to get to the real prize.

Of course, he forgot how fucking obnoxious Gilbert could truly be when he got riled. Which was a lot of the time. Really, how could he forget? And this time Gilbert was pouring on the irritants like an arsonist poured on the gasoline.

"Hey, Upgrade."

Matthew winced. Just because Ivan was well-endowed... he felt his face flame and it wasn't with desire anymore.

Ivan cocked his head, giving Gilbert a level look. The two were hardly best friends, but they seemed to have a pact of non-aggression where they could actually co-exist in the same room with minimal bloodshed. Usually.

This was going to be an Alfred, take two. But with more gore and less grudging acceptance. And Matthew sure as hell wasn't going to offer Gilbert an ice pack at the end of it.

"What's the deal with the scarf?"

Ivan's hands instinctively flew up to his neck and clutched the fabric possessively. His face hardened and he glared. Dark waves were starting to vibrate off him, but Gilbert ignored it all.

"Scars, birthmarks? Yer momma try to strangle you as a child? Someone hang you?"

Okay, Gilbert was going to need more than an icepack.

And Matthew still didn't feel sorry for him.

Ivan's face morphed into a childish smile and he giggled softly. Definitely bad signs. He made no move to remove his white-knuckled grip from the scarf but took a step towards them. Matthew backed up leaving Gilbert to his fate. He wondered if he could order a Gilbert-sized spatula because that might be the only thing that could peel his remains off the ground.

"In case you didn't notice, there's no need to be wearing a stitch in here. So you must be covering something!"

Ivan suddenly relaxed and loosed the scarf.

"Perhaps its time for revenge." Ivan hummed in a gleeful voice and Gilbert looked justifiably nervous for the first time.

"I'm too awesome for revenge."

Ivan's face didn't change from his look of sardonic amusement.

"Never mind this shit." Gilbert bluffed. Definitely the wrong thing to do with Ivan. Ivan loved calling bluffs. It was like a hobby of his.

Ivan took a few more steps before lunging forward with shocking speed. Gilbert was expecting a tackle and flung himself back and to the side. Unfortunately, Ivan seemed to have learned a thing or two from watching all of Alfred's inane football games because he followed easily and slammed into Gilbert full-force. With a powerful thrust of his shoulder, he sent the albino flying and skittering into a pool with a terrific splash. And a terrific scream of manly bits boiling to the point of impotence.

Ivan watched with a peaceful smile, "You are better swimmer, da?"

Then he wandered off leaving Matthew laughing hysterically like a demented hyena leaving Gilbert frying like a lobster in the hot pool.

* * *

"You know, he's not going to tell you." Alfred mumbled through a Big Mac. His manners had improved since his courting of Natalia, so he only sprayed crumbles in his immediate radius instead of going for the world spitting record.

"Why are you two so curious?" Toris asked warily as he slowly ate a fry, "It's just a piece of clothing."

"It's suspicious, that's why. That big guy never takes it off! It's like sewed into his skin or something. Oh my God, he could be one of those robots Kiku told me about… Mattie, tell me…" Alfred's eyes were wide and Matthew almost bought his act until he realized what Alfred was angling for.

"Go get laid Al. Really, it's none of your business. You're awfully nosey for someone who's banned us from the couch. But to answer your question, no." Matthew rolled his eyes.

"Ivan's not going to tell you." Toris shook his head, ignoring the indecent lunchtime talk politely. Matthew knew he was right. Ivan was remarkably closed-lipped about certain things. "But perhaps you could ask someone who knows him best."

Why didn't Matthew think of that? This is why Toris got it from every angle; he was too damn sensible. Murphy's Law ensured that he was screwed at every opportunity because he was so all-knowing and prepared! It just begged a ball-kicking.

Natalia was not an option; she has stopped flashing her knife at him but he didn't trust the uneasy truce they had conducted around Alfred. He liked his soul whole and unmutilated. But Katerina was a lovely option. She was just so sweet and willing and… not like that… although the might work in Toris' favor if he ever got too it. And Ivan didn't kill him. And now Matthew was thought-rambling. Stay on task here—scarf, scarf, mysterious, sexy Ivan's K-Mart scarf!

"She's meeting me later. Would you like to come Matthew?"

"Sure!"

"He said Matthew, you dumbass." Matthew scowled at his brother and elbowed him. Alfred cocked his head, "No, he said 'you.'"

Toris gave a soft smile, "Alfred, you have something else to do."

Alfred's eyes widened, "SHIT! I'm late."

They watched him scramble to throw away his trash and bolt out the door.

"When did you become his personal secretary?"

Toris just sighed.

So Matthew went with Toris to meet Katerina. He was surprised the two were actually meeting up in a public place. He felt like the awkward third wheel and was fail at playing cupid. But he decided to get his question out and scat. He was sure this was a rare moment of free time for the two; Toris didn't talk about it but Matthew gathered the two were scrambling fiscally.

"Ivan's scarf?" Katerina cocked her head and frowned, "I don't know. He didn't have it when he left Russia. Natalia may know."

And Hell would freeze over before Matthew asked her.

* * *

It was a week before he got up enough nerve to track down Natalia (it wasn't hard; Alfred practically had a star chart of her movements). And now they were staring at each other in uneasy silence. Finally Natalia sighed and made to get up.

"Wait!"

"If Alfred requested…"

Oh great, now she thought he was his brother's messenger? Even Alfred wasn't that lame. Mostly. He never had a wingman do his dirty work, and Matthew wouldn't have agreed anyway.

"I-Ivan…"

Her eyes got icier and he was waiting for the fangs to pop out. She slowly sat back down and folded her hands before her, looking suspiciously like an unmoving Sphinx that riddled the hero.

"You have chosen an unwise topic."

Oh boy did he know it. That fleeting moment of pseudo-friendship from the previous fall was long gone. It was slaughtered in the womb. He really didn't get her. She didn't seem to want Ivan anymore, but she was still pissed at him for having Ivan. How did that make sense? Women were just crazy.

"Look." Matthew sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. It was a girly habit he had picked up from Francis. Francis did it to look good for the ladies; Matthew did it when he needed a haircut. Natalia looked. Well, did her creepy stare thing. How did Katerina, Ivan, and Natalia all come out socially retarded? They made Gilbert look well-adjusted. "I just want to know about Ivan's scarf."

Natalia looked at him suspiciously, "He purchased it when he first came to America."

"At K-Mart?"

REALLY? So Ivan wasn't lying; he really was attached to a $2 scarf from K-Mart made out of fake material.

"Possibly. I am unsure. Why does this matter?" Natalia relaxed and looked almost curious. It made her look a little softer, more human and less ice princess. She raised an eyebrow when he didn't answer and a small smile tugged at her lips fondly, "Shall I tell you?"

Matthew was instantly suspicious. Natalia didn't just offer up choice bits of prime rib information for nothing. There had to be a catch somewhere, a hook. And he was desperate but not stupid. Not desperate enough to be stupid yet anyway.

"That'd be nice." Matthew said meekly, trying to interject enough hope and pleasure but not sound like he was acting. Of course, he sucked at acting, and that's exactly what he sounded like. Damn Alfred for garnering all the talent genes in the womb. He added for effect,"You know, if you wanted to tell me?"

"I do not wish to tell you anything; however, I would consider an exchange."

Shit.

That's all Matthew could think. And for good measures: shit, shit, shit, deal with the devil, shit.

"Depends on what you want."

Her smile widened.

* * *

Matthew caught Ivan up by the scarf and tugged him down. Ivan followed it obediently and let Matthew place a not-quite-chaste kiss on his lips. But then he gently pulled the scarf out of Matthew's hands and fussed about putting it back in place. Matthew leaned against him, hindering his movements and generally letting his hands go in distracting places.

"I know your secret." Matthew hummed and Ivan scowled, grabbing his fingers as they inched under his coat. He was so funny about his 'secrets.' Sometimes it hurt Matthew that he locked parts of himself away, but the scarf thing… "Why didn't you tell me that the scarf was the first thing you bought when you got here? It's not sissy to make it symbolic like that."

Ivan continued scowling and the pressure on Matthew's fingers increased. Matthew winced but didn't try to pull away. Instead he leaned harder letting Ivan feel his nearness, physically and emotionally. Sometimes he wondered why he bothered with words; Ivan always responded better to action. Maybe that's why he was originally drawn to the dynamic brother of reckless action first. Alfred did more action and less thinking than the average college student, and that was saying something. And this was when he was sober.

"Matvey is wrong."

What. No he wasn't. He had done his homework, gone into dangerous territory to gather top secret spy information. Of course he wasn't wrong.

He looked up to see Ivan with a child-like smile on his face.

"I am especially fond of this scarf because… I like this scarf. They no longer make them in this color and it is quite comfortable." Ivan chuckled as Matthew's mouth dropped open. That fucking bastard. Of all the shallow and asinine reasons… well, okay, the reason was more valid that usual, but still!

"What if it rips? Then you'll have to get a new one." Matthew pointed out with a smirk of his own.

Ivan chuckled, "I have many more. Surely Matvey did not think it was the same scarf?"

Matthew narrowed his eyes and huffed in aggravation. He couldn't decide who he was more pissed at: Ivan for being such a mindfucker or himself for falling for it. He should be having an S&M mindfuck orgasm out of this one. Trust Ivan to break bones over a falsely created illusion of the sacred. Oh wait, this was Ivan, nothing was sacred.

"Matvey is angry?" Ivan had let go of his fingers and placed big hands around Matthew's waist, holding him a little bit firmer than he was confortable with. His soft laughter died and he looked unsure again. Matthew instantly felt guilt. He hated the wronged puppy look.

"No. I was stupid for not believing you the first time. Sorry." Matthew mumbled into Ivan's coat, his face burning with embarrassment at being such an ass. Alfred really was rubbing off on him.

Ivan carefully unwound half the scarf and looped it around Matthew. It was incredibly warm and soft. Matthew gave a smile and snuggled into it. It was moments like these that he knew that their relationship was strong enough to weather douchebaggery and fits of temper. And it could only get better with time and openness. Ivan was a quick study after all. Now if they could just work a little more in the bedroom, it'd be perfect.

* * *

", I can't find my favorite boxers! Did you wash them? Did you? They're gone. I neeeeeeeeeeed them. They're my lucky boxers. Mattie, Mattie…? Aggh, sock eating alien, why did you eat my boxers?"


	27. Side Story 5

A/N: So I'm a big fan of fostering dogs, and I'm fostering this ridiculous poodle named Rupert. I have never gotten so much attention from the Koreans before! It's like Twilight Zone... and they don't even want to eat him.

This is the last pre-written side story, so the next one may take awhile to come out :\ And these are not necessarily posted in chronological order.

* * *

Side Story 5

"So, I'm going over to Tino and Berwald's." Alfred mumbled around a poptart. Matthew raised an eyebrow at the unusual choice in outing. While Alfred got along well enough with the two, he'd never really shown any interest in hanging out with them. And neither of the two were likely to be holding a rave or hosting a tea party with Natalia presiding as the Queen of Hearts. So he was a bit baffled why Alfred would be interested.

"Are you going to play Halo?"

"Noooooooo-yeeeeeeeeeeeeeess." Alfred hissed around the poptart, spraying crumbles all over the floor. He shuffled, "Er, yeah, but Tino always wins. The man's a monster, I tellya."

Matthew wrote it off as Alfred being weirder than usual. Maybe they were feeding him free burgers or something. Matthew had no idea why anyone would want to do that, but Tino was rather odd sometimes, and who knew about Berwald. And it kept Alfred out of his hair for a while.

He reached for the phone to call Ivan.

The next time Alfred started out the door, calling over his shoulder that he was going to the park with Kiku, Matthew didn't think anything of it. Kiku had been his best friend for years. In fact, he wouldn't have even noticed if Alfred hadn't pointed it out and rubbed his face in it. Like he cared where Alfred went… he wasn't Alfred's mother (actually, he pitied their mother a lot. She had a lot of trouble with getting Alfred to share his destination… mostly because Alfred tended to go one place and end up in another in short order).

Matthew just continued on with his homework.

He truly became suspicious when Alfred nonchalantly said he was going to go visit Ludwig. Surprisingly, Alfred and Ludwig got along really well, but it wasn't like Ludwig sat there and invited Alfred over. And Alfred wouldn't have accepted anyway, if he thought Gilbert was going to be around.

"Why are you going to Ludwig's?"

"Er… no reason. Thought I'd say hi…" Alfred muttered weakly and gave his 'aww shucks how do I talk my way out of this shit' smile. He rubbed the back of his head and added, "Sophie feeds me the duds and leftovers from the bakery, and I've got a major MAJOR sugar craving. Like, its eating me alive."

Matthew pointed to the whole drawer stuffed with oreos, pudding cups, chocolate bars, and a variety of other sweets that Alfred kept stockpiled for his cravings.

"No, I want the real shit," Alfred said, following his finger.

"You sound like an addict." Matthew said, crossing his arms, and not buying his excuse. It was too convenient… considering he was lying. His blue eyes were brightly surveying every escape route in the room and he was tapping his foot. Alfred was so lying.

"Says the true addict!"

"Why are you really going?"

Alfred paused for a minute, eyeing his face, before saying meekly, "To play with his dogs…"

"So Tino and Berwald…?"

"Hanatamago."

"And Kiku…?"

"Pochi and a Frisbee."

Matthew shook his head. His brother was mooching off of other peoples' _dogs_. Not their xbox or their wii or even their beer. He was stealing dog-time.

"You're a dog-whore, a pet homewrecker."

"I wouldn't have to be if you'd let me have a dog!" Alfred cried out in despair dramatically, "I want my own dog, and you won't let me have one! Meanie! Dog hater! Michael Vick!"

"We've been over this, Al. We live in an apartment; we don't have room for a dog. And dogs are a lot of work and responsibility." Matthew knew who would end up taking care of the dog, and it didn't start with 'A' it started with 'M.' He did kind of want another dog, they had several growing up, but he knew that between the two of them, no one was ever home, and if they were it was to sleep or eat or play videogames. "They eat a lot and need vet care and training. It's just not a good idea to have a dog right now."

Alfred waggled his finger, "Gotcha there Mattie. We could _foster_ a dog for a humane society. They pay for food and all that jazz. We provide the love. It's win-win."

Matthew sighed, "Maybe a little dog…"

"Sweet. There's a ton of pitbulls at the pound! Let's get one of them!" Alfred beamed. Matthew wanted to inform him exactly why there were 'a ton' of pitbulls at the pound starting with breed laws and insurance rates, but all that came out of his mouth was, "Pitbulls aren't small!"

"Sure they are." Alfred retorted enthusiastically, "They're like one-third the size of Aster! They're even smaller than Blitz and Blackie. Like, the same size as Pochi."

"Let me think about it, okay Al?"

Alfred looked crushed and Matthew felt like a jerk.

Feeling like a jerk only lasted until the next day when he came home to a box that was suspiciously moving and whining.

"ALFRED FREEMAN JONES!"

"It's not a puppy, I swear!" Alfred blurted out, tearing around the corner with dog food in hand.

Matthew opened the box and looked down at the ugliest dog he had ever seen in his life. The _ugliest_ animal he had ever seen in his life. The poor thing was covered in scabs and had no hair except around its face. From the sparse facial goatee and eyebrows, Matthew assumed that it was normally a bright copper color with a black mask on its face. Its little rat tail beat pathetically on the side of the box, kinked and broken in three places. The ears were cropped back to nubs and were coated in black, waxy dirt while its nose was dry and cracked. Uncanny green eyes rolled at Matthew wildly and the animal cowered even more, dribbling pee on the box bottom.

"That is the ugliest dog I've ever seen." Matthew said flatly, "You're right, it's not a puppy; it looks like a monster."

Alfred dropped the dog food (luckily still in the closed can) and rushed to the animal's side. He clasped the dog's nubs and glared at Matthew.

"Shh, don't you listen to him Daisy Mae! You're not ugly!" Alfred cried to the dog, glaring at Matthew some more. "Mattie's just being a hater. You can bite him next time he's an asshole."

The dog didn't look like it could even manage to bite a flea. Matthew noticed that its jaw hung oddly too.

"Alfred, you realize 'Daisy' is a boy, right?" Matthew gave a pointed look at the dog's underside. Alfred grinned sheepishly, "A five year old named him. I wanted to call him Arthur Jr."

Now that would've made Arthur absolutely livid, but Matthew could see why Alfred wanted to. The dog did have similarly cynical green eyes and most of the hair left on its body contributed to massive black eyebrows. Luckily for the dog, the resemblance ended there.

Matthew just sighed.

* * *

"So you let the beast in?" Arthur remarked incredulously, watching Alfred coo and pet the monster Matthew had allowed into their apartment.

"Only until he's better." Matthew corrected weakly. "Then he's going to another home."

"That animal is never leaving."

Matthew just groaned. Didn't he know it.

* * *

"Ve, the poor puppy has no hair!" Feliciano said sorrowfully the first time Matthew, Alfred, and Daisy met Ludwig and Sophie with their dogs for a 'play date.' Matthew had to admit that the dog still looked a little rough, but at least now it didn't look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Sparse, shiny copper hair was growing in and ribs were slowly disappearing.

Daisy grinned and pranced around Aster happily.

"Yeah, so kids thought it was fun to light him on fire and throw him in a dumpster. Luckily, there was rainwater in the dumpster, so he didn't burn to death."

"That's so terrible! What bad people!"

Daisy soaked up the attention and sympathy.

* * *

"What is that?"

Both Ivan and Natalia had the exact same expression of disgust on their faces at the sight of Matthew's new house guest. Daisy playfully and proudly dragged his newest rope toy up and waved it in invitation. Ivan took a step back and Natalia just glared.

"This is Daisy Mae Jones-Williams!" Alfred announced proudly and Matthew made a noise of protest, "My bad, Daisy Mae Williams-Jones."

"It does not even appear to be edible," Ivan said with a smile, "But perhaps it would not taste so bad with some seasoning."

"Alfred," Natalia said softly.

"Yessum?"

"Remove that animal while we are here."

Alfred's face fell and he looked between the two of them uncertainly. Daisy had given up on the rope toy and had pulled out several more toys hopefully. He laid them out like a mine field in front of the pair's feet and then started hemming them in. God, the dog had more toys than Matthew had as a child. Not that he wasn't guilty of buying a toy or two… or five. But cheap toys, just so Daisy wouldn't use his hockey stick as a bone!

"He'll be really good. Daisy, show them how smart you are!"

Ivan leaned forward menacingly to grab the dog's collar, probably to throw him outside. Matthew was sure he wasn't actually going to hurt the dog. Or mostly sure. At least not at that point. Ivan wasn't a known dog-lover.

Daisy peed on Ivan's shoe in fear then ran as Ivan lunged forward, tripping on the deviously placed toys. Daisy hid under the bed until Ivan and Natalia left. He proceeded to hide every time Ivan came over after that.

* * *

"Hey Nat, wanna go to the park with me? It's gorgeous outside." Alfred pestered and Natalia gave him a serious look. The dog whined at Alfred's feet, ready to go to the park. He wagged his tail uncertainly at Natalia; the kinks didn't look so bad now that they were covered in glossy copper and white hair. She gave him a neutral look. After the dog had peed on Ivan, she didn't seem to want to risk it. Luckily, even after the traumatic first meeting, Daisy seemed to adore her as much as Alfred did. Alfred, seeing she was unconvinced, turned on the charm, "Of course, if you are worried about the sun damaging your beautiful skin and giving you wrinkles, I'd be happy to hold a… what are those things called? Those sun umbrella things? Whatever, one of those, so you can accompany me."

She watched him ramble on with other reasons she should go with him to the park before giving a soft sigh. Matthew knew that sigh intimately. She was giving in to shut him up. Alfred knew it too because he beamed and jumped a little.

That set the dog off. Daisy jumped to his feet and raced excitedly around the pair, eager to be off. With each hop, skip he was wrapping the leash around their waists, thighs, and knees, while they tried desperately to untangle themselves.

Oh yeah, Matthew totally had the video on his phone rolling.

He chortled quietly with the cliché kiss came and went followed by the pause then the inevitable, excessive, frustrated thrashing (in both the forms of flailing and beating on Natalia's part) happened. At the end of it Daisy had freaked out and dragged both of them across the lawn. He might have gotten them both under the bed with him if Alfred hadn't desperately grabbed the door jam.

Coaxing Daisy to come back… 15 minutes. Withstanding Natalia's baleful glare as he untangled them… 20 minutes. The look on their faces as they went flying across the lawn… priceless.

* * *

"Hey mutt," Gilbert ruffled Daisy's ear affectionate then gave him a hearty thump on the ribs. Delighted, Daisy gave his trademark smile (which Matthew swore he learned from Alfred; they looked suspiciously similar) and licked Gilbert's hand. "How's it hanging, Matt-Man?"

Matthew gave him a shrug, "Not bad. Just bringing Daisy over for his play date. I think Daisy socializes more with his peers than I do."

Gilbert snorted and rolled his eyes, "Now who's on a short leash?"

"Did you just call me a dog?" Matthew puffed up playfully.

Gilbert cackled and made a grab for Matthew's butt, "You are a bit of a bitch."

"And you're a bit of an asshole, but I don't hold it against you!" Matthew skittered out of reach and glared in mock anger. And suddenly Daisy was in front of him growling with his hackles up and lips peeled back at Gilbert.

"Woah there doggie. I didn't do anything to Matt-Man. Not yet anyway." Gilbert said lowly, slowly backing away and gazing at Daisy out of the corner of his eye. Slowly Daisy's growls ebbed, but he still stood firmly between them, daring Gilbert to make a move.

"It's okay Daisy." Matthew said, putting his hand on Daisy's sleek back (and noticing Daisy was getting a little pudgy—he'd have to talk to Alfred about feeding Daisy burgers). Immediately Daisy relaxed and wagged his tail energetically before going back to playing with the other dogs (who Matthew noticed did not come to Gilbert's defense—proof animals were smart).

* * *

Matthew vaguely heard Alfred thumping around. He groaned and checked the time: 7:12 am. An ungodly hour that neither he nor Alfred ever saw if they could help it. He almost rolled back over when he remembered what today was. He bolted up in a panic, hoping Alfred hadn't already left.

"Al, wait!"

Alfred paused at the door. Daisy was sitting obediently at his side (Alfred had taken the training advice from Ludwig very seriously as had Daisy). Matthew could hardly see the ugly beast Alfred had brought home just a few months ago. Instead, Daisy was a confident, happy dog with rotating little nubs, a wild tail, and a full body of glossy hair and bright green eyes. He felt a tug at his chest but hid it with a cough.

The three got in the car (their parents had finally broken down and given the boys joint custody of an old Honda Civic for Christmas) and drove silently for forty five minutes. Daisy eagerly gazed out the window in the backseat.

Alfred pulled off the highway and followed a meandering little street. The neighborhood was filled with nice houses and big backyards. Kids were hustling out of houses to meet the bus for school and cars were pulling out of driveways to go to work. Alfred had Matthew check the directions (they one time had tried it with Matthew driving and Alfred navigating—that was a never again experience when they ended up in a scary, seedy part of town thoroughly lost and near-hyperventilating, at least on Matthew's part. Alfred swore they were where they needed to be.) and pulled into a nice driveway.

"Alrighty Daisy, ready for your new home?" Alfred said bravely, letting Daisy out. He gave the dog a sturdy thump to the ribs, and Daisy licked his hand. Matthew silently held out his hand, and Alfred handed over the leash. He rubbed the back of his hand over his eyes and straightened his back.

The family was perfect, Matthew had to admit. They had a huge house and a huge backyard and two other dogs for Daisy to play with. The kids were older, so there was no fear of Daisy knocking them down, and the husband was thrilled to have "a real dog" (the other two dogs were rather fluffy). Alfred handed over Daisy's "possessions" which amounted to a garbage bag of toys, leashes, bones, and other random things every spoilt dog needed while Matthew told the father about Daisy's likes and dislikes. Then they left while Daisy was distracted with his new family.

Alfred didn't start bawling until they had gotten back in the car and driven out of the subdivision and to the nearest McDonalds. Matthew felt like crying himself, telling himself Daisy was in a better home, and now Ivan wouldn't refuse to come over all the time. He hadn't even really wanted a dog, especially not an ugly pitbull. And… and… Matthew ended up quietly sniffling and sobbing alongside Alfred.

"We can foster another one." Matthew offered half-heartedly, not really eager to run out and replace Daisy, and Alfred shook his head, "It's too hard losing them. That was like my baby, man."

They ate in silence for a little bit before a thought occurred to Matthew.

"Would you choose the dog over Natalia?"

Alfred swallowed and considered, "Do we have kids?"

"What does that matter?"

"Well, if we had kids, I'd probably stay. But if not, the dog." Alfred said as he shoved in another bite of McArteryClogger. "Bros before hoes."

"I hope you're kidding." Matthew muttered weakly knowing Alfred wasn't kidding.

"Well, if it were Ivan or the dog…?" Alfred countered, "Would you take Daisy to the pound to be put down because Ivan hated him?"

Matthew shrunk down in his seat and squirmed.

"You would! You'd murder Daisy! Oh my God, I can't believe you'd do that. He trusted you, and you killed him!" Alfred howled in outrage. He glared at Matthew, "Thank God Ivan didn't give you that cat. You'd probably kill her too."

"I-I never said t-that!"

"Oh well," Alfred took a huge slurp of his soda, "Professor K. is pretty sweet on her anyway. She's super fat now!"

"How did Professor K. get her?" Not that it surprised Matthew that he had the cat. Matthew definitely remembered the first time they met.

"Well, you remember Ivan gave her to Kat, but Kat couldn't keep her? Well, she ended up being Raivis' pet, but when they were evicted and had to move in with Kat, Raivis gave her to Peter. But Arthur hates cats, man, he hates them. But he knew Kiku loves them, so he got Kiku to take her, the big sap that he is. But new kitty and old kitty didn't get along, so Kiku asked Professor K if he could give her a home. Apparently he has like, fifty some cats or something like that already. Big cat lover. And as Professor K's "aide," I'm sure Kiku's seeing more than a little of our dear little kitty." Alfred said all of this in one breath and waggled his eyebrows suggestively at the end.

"What about Arthur?"

"Banging Francis."

"What!" Matthew wasn't particularly surprise, just annoyed that he hadn't heard about it yet. Arthur and Francis had the weirdest on-again, off-again relationship ever. It never lasted long, but by the end everyone had heard about every frantic tumble in the broom closet and over the desk liaison. Liz practically lived for it; it was like deer hunting season for her.

"It's Arthur's fault. If he wasn't such a pussy, he'd be banging Kiku instead." Alfred said nonchalantly and took another gulp of soda. Matthew stared at him. He could accept that Alfred was a fount of gossip, but how in the world did the dense idiot know Arthur liked Kiku? Alfred took a final slurp, "I think the unicorn was a dead giveaway."

"Anything else I should know?"

"Nope, other than Ivan's going to come over tonight and try to take you on a date. But you're going to say no because its tickets to some sissy dance and that's too lame for you." Alfred said scooping the last bits of fries into his black hole.

Matthew fumed the entire way home intending to say yes the moment Ivan knocked on the door.

"Does Matvey…?"

"Yes."

"Matvey would do it?"

"Yes."

Ivan looked surprised but made no comment as Matthew shrugged on his coat. Matthew had a sinking feeling he had been duped when Ivan lead them towards the library. He vowed to break Alfred's jaw the second he saw him for being such a manipulative bastard. If he had known Ivan was going to make him do math, he would've pleaded and evaded. He glared at the textbook and sighed. He was passing the class, wasn't that good enough?

"Matvey is wrong."

"No I'm not. Where."

Ivan's lips brushed against his ear and hissed, "That's for me to know and Matvey to find out. I promise a really good reward."

Great now he was even more distracted. He had to be sexually frustrated and do Trig? Matthew was going to kill Alfred.


	28. Side Story 6

Side Story 6

Ivan peered over Alfred's shoulder curiously. Matvey was away, tutoring some unimportant person, so Ivan was stuck waiting with Alfred. Not that he particularly minded. The two of them were on good terms at the moment, and Alfred was highly amusing. But not when he was complaining. Which he seemed to be doing frequently.

"Man, its soooo cold. Mattie must be part fucking polar bear. He's such an asswipe; he won't let me turn up the heat!" Alfred whined and continued working on his project, "My fingers are numb. How can I produce artistic genius with numb fingers?"

Ivan hummed, "It seems to be an improvement. If your previous work is to be judged."

"Fuck off." Alfred grunted, "So what are you doing for Mattie for Valentines? Or, wait, you're the girl? Then I should ask him what he should be doing for you!"

Ivan considered this with narrowed eyes and his face hidden behind his scarf. Alfred had yet to learn how to shut his mouth. And of course, he rarely used his brain to process the obvious. Ivan was obviously not a girl. This was not a case of mistaken identity or gender ambivalence. He used the correct pronoun after all and called Ivan 'big guy.'

"I am not female." Ivan rumbled, deciding Alfred was being his ignorant, irritating self. Ivan wished he was being his ignorant, amusing self, but it seemed today was not that day. "And why should I care about Valentines?"

Alfred's blue eyes widened as he snapped around. His mouth gaped for a split second before it started running non-stop. All Ivan heard (heard not understand) was holiday and love and devotion. Ivan rolled his eyes silently, thinking he sounded like a certain man who was less that particular about the brand of 'love' he was spreading around.

"It's the holiday of love, big guy." Alfred repeated, slower this time, as if he was talking to a handicapped child, "You love Mattie, don't you? It's a special day to show him you care about him."

Ivan frowned, "But I like Matvey every day."

Alfred sighed dramatically, "You're hopeless. You have to show him you love him. Do something special. The poor guy needs some reassurance."

Ivan thought this all sounded highly suspicious and stupid, but what if Matvey expected something? Wasn't Ivan's duty to be a good boyfriend? Alfred might be annoying, but Ivan knew he was the closest in Matthew's confidence and he had a bad habit of letting things slip when he got excited. Plus, he was genuinely concerned about their relationship. Too much so, in Ivan's opinion, but he acknowledged there was good intentions behind it.

"Then what do you propose?" Ivan would have to ask a different source to verify Alfred's information. And, while he would not like doing so, he knew Francis' cousin would be more than happy to advise him.

"Oh, I don't know. Chocolates? Oh, polar bear plushies, cuz you know, they're like his cousins. He shares a blubber-bond with them. Why else would he be out in this weather?"

Ivan didn't bother to hide his scowl this time. He could feel his lips starting to curl into a smile and a sinister giggle wiggled through his lips. He did not care if Alfred was Matthew's brother; he should not be insulting Matthew's beautiful, lithe body in such a rude manner.

"Matvey is not fat."

Alfred's tongue stuck out and he was working on his card again, ignoring Ivan. Ivan giggled again, darker this time. Alfred needed to take back his insult and admit that Matvey had a slender, muscular body.

"You should not say such lies."

"What?"

"After all," Ivan let his mouth curl into a smirk, "You purchased new boxers. I believe the purpose of elastic was to stretch, but perhaps you still do not fit?"

Alfred's head snapped up and suddenly Ivan found a Sharpie practically shoved up his nose. Angry blue eyes glared at him and he found himself stumbling backwards. Before he could regain his balance, his knees knocked into the coffee table, and he staggered back into the front hall. Then the pen jabbed under the soft spot between his chin and throat forcing him on tiptoes.

"You are a fucking douchebag commie. Get the fuck out of my house." Alfred growled in a rage and jabbed the Sharpie hard making Ivan trip further backwards and out the door, "Too bad we got rid of Daisy's dog house because it's going to be a longass, freeze-your-balls off wait for you."

Ivan was too surprised to fight back as he was left out in the hallway and the door slammed and locked behind him. With an aggravated grunt, he sunk down with his hands over his knees. Alfred never did bother to apologize for insulting his brother. So Ivan was miffed. And he was still miffed two hours later when he couldn't feel his feet or nose and Matvey found him crouching by the door.

"Dare I ask?" Matvey asked looking down with concern. Ivan grunted, mostly from the effort of trying to get his stiff limbs to work. Matvey grabbed him under the arm and tugged. He was quite strong despite his statue, Ivan thought in appreciation. Which made him remember Alfred's stupid comment and fume some more. "Did you two have a fight again? Ivan, I've told you it's not a good idea to insult his comic book collection."

Although Ivan did think that Alfred's childish fixation with heroes was worth being mocked for, there was much more at stake here. But Ivan wouldn't bring it up with Matvey. Matvey seemed to take offense at the oddest things concerning his 'manliness' as Alfred had called it.

Matvey fumbled for the keys, still pressed up against Ivan's side. He opened the door and called to his brother. Alfred's voice came back happy and devoid of anger.

"Hey bro!" there was a pause, "Is the commie with you?"

"Yes, Ivan is with me. Al, don't lock him outside! You know the dorms are closed for the weekend for renovations. I thought I could trust you two to behave while I was gone!"

"I was being my awesomely good self. HE started it. I'm not a saint Mattie, and some things are totally unforgivable."

Matvey gave an inquiring look, apparently startled by his brother's venom, and Ivan shrugged. Alfred's comment was forgivable, but only with a sincere apology. Which didn't seem to be forthcoming. Matvey winced as there was a flurry of footsteps and a door slam.

Matvey shrugged and went into the kitchen with Ivan trailing. He barely glanced at the mess of construction paper and markers littering the table and went to the fridge. As he was digging, he mumbled to himself.

"Valentine's Day again, eh?" there was a pause and a soft ah-ha before he pulled back out giving Ivan a less sensual view of his back. He plopped the spoils on the table and sat down, "Don't worry about Al. He always gets a little crazy about V-day. Maybe he's still hoping to get laid."

So Valentine's Day was about getting sex? Then why bother with the chocolates and gifts? It was much easier to simply provide the right environment and let nature take its course. Still, this was an opportunity for information gathering.

"I do not understand." Ivan's favorite fall back when confronted with something he didn't want to spell out. It's a cultural difference; I don't understand. It worked every single time. It was the best weapon in his arsenal.

Matvey looked thoughtful, his lower lip poached out, and Ivan couldn't resist. Unfortunately, the kitchen was highly uncomfortable, they had both found out earlier. So he settled for a brutally short, intense kiss and a quick grope before rocking back with a smile. He couldn't help that he enjoyed games and Matvey was a perfect target.

"I-Ivan!" Matvey sputtered, turning red and looking cross. Ivan's smile widened slightly, hoping for some repercussions. Unfortunately, the other man simply grabbed a handful of chips and chewed viciously. When he finished massacring the chips, he swallowed and answered Ivan's not-question.

"Valentine's Day is for showing appreciate for people you like. Usually of the monetary persuasion, but," Matvey gestured to the mess Alfred left, "For the romantics, it's like the best holiday ever. Alfred likes to think himself a romantic."

"Is Matvey one?"

"A romantic?" Matvey chuckled, "I know it when I see it, which is more than Al can boast of."

Ivan frowned at the step-siding of the question but waited.

"I can appreciate a romantic gesture or two." Matvey assured him, "What about you?"

Ivan gave a tight grin. He certainly was not going to confess to Matvey his love and adoration of sunflowers, no matter what the reason, nor how he truly appreciated show of affection and was deeply touched by them. These were simply things he could not bring himself to admit to anyone, even his sister or Natalia. Well, especially not Natalia; there was a limit to how many sunflowers could fit in one dorm room. Plus, he hated to see when they withered.

"It's a secret, isn't it?" There was a dark, resigned cast to Matvey's voice. He never accused Ivan for his secrets, but it was clear he resented them. Ivan felt his stomach do uncomfortable contortions that he never seemed to get used to no matter how often they happened in this relationship. He really _wanted_ to share himself with Matvey. He really did, but it was so hard after keeping his own council for so long. And for so long it wasn't just a habit or a preference… it was necessary. Now that it wasn't necessary, he couldn't seem to stop.

Ivan sat as the war was waged in his mind and Matvey got up to put the food away. There was a distinct sharpness to his movements, although he didn't say anything. He rarely did when he was angry. Ivan wasn't sure which was worse: when he gave Ivan the cold shoulder of disappointment or when he blew up like a volcano. He had, fortunately, not been the recipient of that last mood of Matvey's but he had seen the aftermath and Alfred had slunk around for a week like a jumpy, paranoid chipmunk.

"Perhaps I do not understand the meaning of 'romantic'…" Ivan offered hesitantly, already sensing that his plead for ignorance wasn't going to work a second time.

"Let me make it easy for you." Oh yes, Matvey was quite peeved if he was using his patronizing tone. "If Alfred gave you a homemade card, would you think it was a sweet gesture?"

"It would be quite amusing. His talents are not in art." Ivan chuckled, remembering his look over Alfred's shoulder. "Yes, I would enjoy it very much."

"Is that so?"

Ivan froze. He had done it again. He had tried to make things better with something light and amusing but it had backfired. And he did not know how to make it better.

Matthew was too gracious to shun him completely as they went to go watch TV on the couch. He begrudgingly made room for Ivan, leaving a small sliver of personal space between them. He would normally have wedge himself in some strange yet endearing position that involved touching Ivan in as many places as physically possible.

The rest of the evening passed much the same way, except at some point Alfred moseyed out to join them. He gave Ivan a nasty look and plopped down across his brother on the couch with his toes nearly in Ivan's face. Ivan reached forward to break them but happened to see Matvey's disapproving face in his peripheral vision, daring him to do it. Ivan scowled, smacked Alfred's legs as hard as he dared, then went down the hall. He slipped into Alfred's room, careful not to put his foot is some toxic sludge or fuzzy green Cheetos. The window was easy to slide up and since their apartment was on the first floor there wasn't a drop.

He wasn't sure where he was going to go. There weren't many places he was welcome. He was certain that his sister would allow him in, but it was much to far to travel. Natalia certainly would but… he would rather stay in the freezing streets. Eventually he decided on a destination and strode purposefully.

"You!"

Ivan stared down at the short, short black haired kid. The kid stared back before slowly looking away and calling back into the house. Ivan vaguely remembered him from somewhere.

"Koreans are not intended to fly!" the kid said as he regarded Ivan, the door posed to slam if Ivan attempted a second flying lesson. "Why are you here? Don't you have some other place to go that's not here? Big brother doesn't-."

"Yong Soo, move."

The Korean reluctantly complied. Yao seemed faintly surprised to find Ivan at his doorstep but let him in without protest. He didn't ask why Ivan had came to his house for the first time in months and Ivan didn't enlighten him.

Although the day was really putting a lot of restraint on him with both Kiku and Yong Soo needling him and each other. Yao just ignored them and served Ivan some tea.

"Big brother, I want copy!"

Ivan's eyebrows moved slightly as Yao pulled out a small packet of instant coffee with a sigh. He dumped the contents, which mostly seemed to be white crystals, into a mug and filled it with hot water. With another sigh he handed it over to the already-hyper Korean.

"Now go do your homework." Yao said and Yong Soo groaned, "This is America! I want to have fun not study!"

"How will you be successful if you don't study? Yong Soo, your grades are appalling even after all the tutors. Your parents entrusted me with your care and this is how you repay us?" Yao scowled.

Yong Soo bowed his head and slunk out. Kiku excused himself taking the other silent boy with him. Yao's sisters were apparently out because Ivan saw no sign of them. That was fine with him.

"Why are you here Ivan. I don't believe this is a friendly social call, aru."

Ivan reluctantly gave Yao some details. His serious, dark eyes and thin face never moved as he quietly listened to the story. When Ivan finished, Yao sighed.

"I am perhaps not the best person to ask, as I don't quite understand Western dating skills, but I believe you offended both of them, aru. It is best to apologize and save face." Yao finally said. "A nice present. What does Matthew like?"

Ivan stared at Yao.

"…You don't know, aru? Aiyah!"

"Matvey likes me…"

Yao threw his hands up.

"Maple syrup. Hockey." Ivan trailed off thinking of what Matvey liked. Mostly he seemed to come up with a list of things Matvey didn't like.

Yao had gone back to his tea, "Then do something special, aru."

Ivan stayed the night, much to Yong Soo and Kiku's mutual horror. Kiku decided to leave the premises, claiming that he rather not be murdered in his bed.

The next morning Ivan thanked Yao and headed for the last place he had ever thought he would voluntarily go…

And of course, the dogs were out front. All four of the big slobbery brutes were dashing around, eviscerating a soccer ball under the not-so-watchful eye of Gilbert. He was on the opposite side of the lawn seeming to be in the middle of a fist fight with Elizabetha. And she was winning.

Ivan dearly wished he could leave and come back when Sophia was around but the dogs had already spotted him. They stood a few feet away, growling. Elizabetha waved and Gilberts scowled. Ivan gave a giggle of irritation. This was not going how he anticipated.

Gilbert shouted a command in German and the dogs all reluctantly laid down. They didn't stop growling though. And Ivan was sure to keep his ankles out of snapping distance as he threaded through them.

Gilbert stood challenging in front of the bakery.

"I wish to purchase some fudge." Ivan said bluntly, wishing it had been anyone else, even Kiku. Kiku knew the value of money. Feliciano or Ludwig would have been better of course.

"Oh, do you have an order number?" Elizabetha butted in, "Is it for Mattie? That's soooo sweet."

"Order number?"

"Oh dear, you don't? Ludwig and Sophia completed all the orders and went out of town for the weekend. I wish Roddy was that romantic! I want to have a candle lit dinner on the beach!"

"If you didn't order anything, you're shit outta luck, asshole." Gilbert yawned idly, "Because I know shit-all about making pussy sweets."

Ivan was still trying to process that his salvation had gone away. And left Gilbert in charge of not only the dogs but the shop as well.

"Surely there is something…"

"Nope, all sold out. Man, West made a killing this year!" Gilbert grinned, clearly thinking he was entitled to a share of the kill. Elizabetha swatted him and tutted, "Poor Mattie will be so disappointed. But, you know, maybe Sophia will lend you the recipe…"

And this was how Ivan found himself almost elbows deep in flour. Feliciano was chattering happily about everything and nothing. Sticky syrup decorated everything within reach and a scowling Lovino glared from the kitchen doorway.

"Why did you let the scarf dick in?" he whined at his happier twin, "It's bad enough you keep letting that tomato bastard in when I told you not to!"

"Aww, Toni just wanted to see you, _fratello_." Feliciano chirped in reply and guided Ivan's hand without even really looking. It was clear this was his element. It was also equally clear that Ivan would never be even a passable chef. He was contemplating giving his creation to Arthur, just to see if it would kill him or if he truly did have immunity to toxic food.

"Yeah, thanks to you the bastard's now _stalking_ me." Lovino grumbled, "It'll be even worse this weekend. He keeps leaving me presents."

Ivan perked up.

"I mean, what the hell is this piece of shit?" Lovino said holding out a small, plush ball. Ivan realized it was actually a small, red tomato with a dopey face on the front. Lovino gave it a squeeze and it burst into some rendition of Elvis and vibrated with lazer light heart eyes.

"Cute!"

Alfred had mentioned something about stuffed animals… Perhaps he hadn't been teasing.

"Be careful!" Feliciano warned a second too late. Flour exploded all over the kitchen, coating Ivan and Feliciano liberally and making the tomato look like a dancing snowball.

Feliciano decided to make the next batch himself while Ivan dutifully cleaned up the mess. Feliciano also helped him wrap it. Satisfied with it, he enthusiastically wished Ivan good luck. Lovino just looked relieved that he was leaving the premises.

Of course, Ivan had no idea how to choose a stuff animal. As a child he used to delight in decapitating his. They were quite useless. They didn't have guns or blow up or keep the chill out. He remembered one time he was bored and decided to use a small firecracker on a stuffed animal. Unfortunately, it was not his stuffed animal. Natalia had been devastated to find her unicorn's tail and eyes hanging from a rose bush. The body was never recovered.

He poked around the mall, observing the other couples. There did seem to be this pattern going on where the boy would pick up some sickly-sweet creature that was painted cotton candy pink and had googly eyes. He would consider the price tag briefly. If acceptable he would pay and give it to a very happy girl. If the price was too high or he was just cheap, the animal would go back and he would browse the clearance bin.

Ivan tried to envision this strategy with Matvey. He imagined himself pulling some mutant animal off the shelf, perhaps a shiny rainbow fish, as Matvey seemed to think these animals made the best pets, and paying for it. As a student he wasn't rich, but he was more than happy to pay the ridiculous, inflated price. He would hold it behind his back and tease Matvey because it was too much fun. Matvey would finally wrestle it away from him… and look at him in confusion before giving it back and running away.

Ivan sighed and idly poked a plush seal in the eye. It yelped a mechanical 'I wuv you!' drawing the attention of a near-by shopper.

Michelle didn't look particularly surprised to see him.

"He likes bears." Michelle said quietly. They had seen each other a few times since Christmas, but she really hadn't gotten over the fact he shoved her out of the van into a snowdrift. He had assumed she would prefer the extra padding. Apparently she would have rather cracked her thick skull than go diving in a freezing snowdrift. Perhaps she was better suited to Alfred.

Ivan made some kind of noise. It was really a smother giggle, but he hoped it sounded friendly. He reached for a wretched purple bear that had beady black button eyes. It seemed to mock him. He wasn't sure he could stand that thing staring during an early morning round. And it would be extremely embarrassing to not perform because of a ridiculous toy.

"Not that kind of bear." Michelle hissed and grabbed Ivan's hand. He resisted the urge to push her into a giant display of glaringly ugly, white lambs. Something about her made him want to shove. She dragged him out of the store and down the mall into a tiny store. It was filled with soothing music and several trickling fountains. Pictures of wildlife and realistic toys stacked the shelves. Bird feeders and natural noise cds were neatly on the shelves. Ivan wanted to leave immediately.

"Excuse me," Michelle motioned toward the clerk who was reading, "Do you have any polar bears for adoption?"

Ivan recalled that was the word Alfred had used to explain Daisy's disappearance. Did Michelle really think Matvey would want a real bear? Ivan was in the middle of figuring out the logistics of bear feces and the amount of raw meat needed to keep an animal that size alive. Maybe it was a specially engineered miniature bear?

The clerk nodded and whisked away. She came back with a white polar bear stuffed animal. It was so realistic Ivan wondered if it was made out of real polar bear. When he heard the price, he felt that it better be made out of real polar bear.

"Shouldn't your boyfriend surprise you?" the clerk asked Michelle, glancing over with apprehension at him as he poked a wind chime. Shopping bored him.

"My… oh no! God no. He's not my boyfriend…" Michelle trailed off and added, "You know what they say about the good ones…"

The clerk's eyes widened and she said, "OH, I see."

Ivan didn't see but he didn't care. He paid for the bear and impatiently waited as a certificate of adoption was printed out. Michelle insisted the personalization would add a special touch.

She tried to drag him over to the jewelry too but Ivan was getting sick of the clichés. Alfred had said candy and stuffed animals. He had both. This should be more than enough to get him back in Matvey's good graces.

He had almost gotten out of the mall when a store caught his attention. He remembered his talk with Yao and went in. After a harsh debate and consulting the employee, he forked over the cash and came out with his final present. Luckily the employee wrapped it for him.

This was looking half-way presentable in his uneducated opinion.

The closer to the apartment he got the slower and more nervous he became. He shuffled his feet and rubbed his hands. It was quite ridiculous that his body was so affected by his state of mind. Eventually he got to the door and gave a hesitant knock. Usually he would simply walk in, neither of the two residents ever bothered to lock it when they were home, but he wanted to make a good impression… and avoid having a knife thrown at his head. Natalia should have never started teaching Alfred…

There was a shuffle and banging. That would be Alfred answering the door. Ivan had hoped he was out hunting down Natalia.

He opened the door and Ivan had to look twice.

"Alfred?"

Alfred glared.

"Back again. How nice of you to join us." He stomped off making his suit look far less eloquent. Ivan simply wondered if Matthew tied his tie. It was done so perfectly. And they must have used super glue on his cowlick.

Ivan poked his head in and cautiously slid in. If Alfred was still that angry, then it was a fair bet that the more vindictive one was still fuming.

"Matvey?"

"In here Ivan."

Well, he didn't _sound_ angry, but Ivan knew that he was a good actor.

Ivan inched around the door frame into the kitchen. He winced. The kitchen was probably not the best place to do this. Unlike Alfred, he was aware of social manners, and he was attempting to follow them. Then again, he could appreciate the irony of the giant circle they had made.

He shuffled in the doorway.

"Ivan?"

Matvey poked his head around the corner. Like his brother, his hair had been tamed down, although it was long enough to pull back into a short ponytail. Even his curl had been pulled back opening up his face, showing off the delicate bone structure and mauve eyes. He gave Ivan a soft smile and abruptly hugged him tightly.

"I'm so sorry! I was just angry. But I wasn't kicking you out!" Matthew sniffled and Ivan blinked. He hadn't left to punish them; he had left because he thought they were pissed and needed time to get over it. "You didn't sleep outside, did you? We looked for you for hours."

That explained Alfred's sour mood.

"Yao let me stay."

Matthew twitched. Ivan and Yao's past history was pretty well known despite it happening before Ivan had come to this town. Silently Ivan vowed a certain Korean would be inventing a lot more things in the near future.

"Yao is my friend." Ivan added and gave Matvey a kiss on the head. His hair smelled delightful. "Besides, his brothers were there as well."

"Were you serious about Valentine's Day?" Matvey mumbled, "Because, you know, I realized I might have hurt your feelings. I just haven't bothered to celebrate it since I was in elementary school."

Ivan felt his traitorous stomach acting up again, although this time it felt vaguely pleasant and his chest full. It was a strange feeling but he liked it. He buried his nose in Matvey's hair again and nuzzled enjoying the comfortable tingling feeling.

"What's this?" Matvey asked curiously, tugging on the bag Ivan was carrying. Ivan held on tightly and pushed Matvey back with his body. He was very surprised to see the kitchen, which appeared to be in the midst of some sort of preparation that included candles and sunflowers.

Ivan paused and Matvey pushed away, "Um, I don't know your favorite dinner, so I was just going to make pancakes. I know, not as romantic as sirloin… but the price Francis was asking was way too high! A handjob for dinner is not a fair trade."

"No dinner is as good as Matvey's hands." Ivan agreed staunchly and Matvey flushed bright red. Ivan didn't know why, but he liked the look and leaned forward. He gave a slow lick then lapped at the lips below him. Matvey made some kind of noise but Ivan ignored it and pushed harder with his lips and nipped with his teeth. This time Matvey's noise was of appreciation and he sunk into Ivan's chest.

"Uggh, the table's off limits." Alfred's voice cut in behind them and Matvey pushed away, flushing even more brightly. "I have to eat off that you know. Take it to the bedroom."

Ivan gave Matvey a good grab and Alfred groaned while Matvey squeaked.

"I'm going out. Don't burn down the house… and NO SEX ON THE TABLE!"

"Yes Mommy." Matvey retorted then called, "Good luck."

"Heroes don't need luck!"

"Heroes don't usually get laid either." Matvey called back sweetly. Alfred's voice floated back protesting that of course Clark Kent got his girl.

"Oh, finally. He's been out of his mind—well, more out of his mind, all week!" Matvey sighed and went to go work on the pancakes. "Ivan, you really scared me! I didn't know where you had gone and I thought you were hurt… or dead… or mad and you weren't ever going to come back because you hated me."

Alfred's words came echoing back. Matvey needed reassurance.

"I wished to make things better between us." Ivan replied honestly with a small smile.

Matvey gave a shy grin, "I can think of some ways that involve you with me."

Ivan gave the bag to Matvey and enjoyed the gasps of pleasure. It was much better to hear those than silence. And Ivan hoped they would lead to a different type of pleasured gasps. He wasn't quite expecting the scream of joy though at the hockey jersey.

"You are the best boyfriend ever!"

Ivan found himself with his arms full of a very amorous Canadian.


	29. Side Story 7

A/N: And I have no idea where this chapter came from... it started innocently enough.

* * *

Side Story 7

Alfred frowned and ran a self-conscious hand through his hair. Or rather, he tried to, but there was so much gel it felt like he was petting some frozen snake. He wondered idly if that was what Ludwig's hair felt like… then gagged loudly. That would be one thing he would never find out about first hand! Uggh, and uggh! He needed mental bleach now!

The homemade valentine was sweaty and a little crumpled in his hands. He sighed and tried to pet his head again. With a face of disgust (greeeaat, he was NEVER going to be able to do that again without thinking of Ludwig!), he let his hand drop limply.

As confidently as he went out the door, he really wasn't so sure. After seeing the (hilarious) fight between Mattie and Ivan (that he played NO part in—and he was still pissed about being called fat) he was justifiably nervous about approaching Natalia.

She didn't seem like the type to care about a cuddly stuffed animal or chocolates. Alfred had considered getting her some knives but Matthew had appealed to his last verges of common sense. Well, it wasn't like she was going to use the knives on HIM… hopefully. Hadn't happened yet, although there had been a few bluffs and threats.

"C'mon Jones, man up! Don't be a hypocrite." He coached himself with a hint of desperation in his whisper.

While Ivan tended to terrorize most of the school (and town) populace, Alfred usually just found him amusing. The two of them were on the same page about most things and Ivan was tough enough to take anything Alfred dished out. Natalia on the other hand, she scared him. And if anyone knew why they'd laugh him out of town. He didn't even tell Mattie about it.

He was afraid he'd break her.

He wasn't the most sensitive guy around, he knew that, and he was terrified he'd be a total asswipe. He got why Ivan ran off, he did, but the big guy hadn't done her any favors. Oh shit, now he sounded like Mattie with all that shitty psychobabble crap.

But how could he turn her down? The chance to BE the hero, not just play around about it? Well, and she was hot with nice legs and lips and butt and… okay, she was really hot. And she was pretty sweet under all the ice she used as a wall.

There had been quite a few late night sessions involving his hand and her picture. Yeah, that had been a little embarrassing the time Ivan walked in on it (and basically ran out screaming like a little girl), but dammit if Ivan wasn't in HIS house. Besides, it was a great comeback when Ivan was being a dick. One Mattie hadn't caught on to yet because he spoiled all the fun.

He finally raised his hand again. This time he balled it into a fist and knocked on the door of Natalia's host family. The Bensons were a nice family and seemed to be amused by his frequent visits. At least no one had shot at him anyway. Yet.

He was expecting one of the daughters to answer the door and was very surprised to find himself face to face with Natalia. She obviously was having a lazy day with loose pjs and sheepskin slippers. Her hair was tucked back in a loose ponytail at her shoulder. She looked just as surprised to see him and not entirely pleased.

"Alfred."

"Um, hi." Despite feeling like that one time he ate too many cheesy snacks with a side of mint toothpaste (don't judge! It was a dare!), a smile was working its way onto his face. Damn his inability to look like he's taking anything seriously! She didn't smile back but that didn't bother him much.

"Why are you here?"

Ouch, blunt. Steady there bladder!

"It's Valentine's Day." Alfred blurted out and shoved his card out in front of him. Ivan hadn't been being a total prick saying art was not his talent in life. He basically managed a lot of construction paper hearts, some stick figures and first grade style roses, and a very laborious chicken scratch attempt at Belo-Russian. Ivan had mocked his handwriting mercilessly and he wasn't even able to defend himself! He thought it had turned out decent.

Natalia gingerly took the card, clearly wondering if it was poisoned or hiding a bear trap or maybe a bomb. She scanned the outside, taking in the amateur stick figure of him giving her flowers (he had the real thing tucked behind his back) and the gaudy glitter filled Happy Valentine's Day on the front. He wasn't going to lie, he dug the glitter… a lot. And it was probably never going to come out of Mattie's pillowcase, but that's why he used it instead of his to shield the table. No one wanted to eat glitter after all.

She carefully opened it and her eyebrow arched.

"Ivan said my handwriting is terrible… it says… er, I mean…" Alfred babbled after a few seconds of silence and no change in expression.

"I can read it." Natalia said coolly, "Your handwriting could be better, but I think that it is good for a first try."

"Thanks." Alfred fiddled with the flowers. Somehow the usual dozen red roses didn't seem to fit Natalia. He remembered how much she had liked the necklace and opted for a bouquet of white and lavender flowers. The florist had been a bit surprised at the request but they both agreed that the end result looked pretty cool.

"Would you like to come in?"

In? Like in her house? With her? Like, now?

Cool, Jones, just cool it. You've been in tons of girls' houses before. Hell, you've been in their beds too, and even as a virgin, you've been as close as close can go without losing chastity.

"Sure. But what about your family?"

"It is Valentine's Day, correct? They are doing… appropriate things for such a holiday."

Well that made Alfred feel so much better… not. He was going to be alone with her in the house? And she was probably feeling slighted about being left out by her family.

Before tromping into the house he pulled out the flowers. She took them with the same grave look on her face, eyeing them speculatively. Before he could babble some more she plopped him down on the couch and disappeared into the kitchen. He fiddled with his tie (thanks for the strangulation Mattie), the remote control, and ended up flipping open a copy of some woman's magazine. He really didn't hear her come back in, flowers in a vase, and he certainly wasn't absorbed in the article about cake decorating- it was a deck article! It was!—so he jumped when she suddenly appeared in his vision.

"I did not know you were interested."

Alfred looked down and flushed crimson. Of course he would flip to an even more embarrassing page about 'top 5 tips to a delicious ass all the men want.'

"Um, just checking some tips out for Mattie. He's a chowhound with those pancakes y'know. They go right to his butt. I mean, it's practically a pillow butt…" Alfred trailed off as she sat down next to him. She had put her hair into its usual style and changed into her normal clothes. But he was more aware of the lack of space between them than anything. She was practically touching him… of her own accord. No, scratch that, her sleeve was touching his side… score.

"You are talking more than you normally do."

Alfred chuckled, "Am I? Sorry."

She leaned into the couch and her clothed arm pressed against his side. He sat rigidly, daring to look at her out of the corner of his eye. She was peering at him with her head cocked slightly. It was the same look Ivan gave when he was mildly confused but not ready to ask about it.

"No, don't worry. It's cool. I just wanted to give you the card and the flowers… and I'm really nervous, okay?" honesty was the best policy, right? Right?

A small, slow smile crept across her face and she sunk back into the couch, looking at the ceiling. Her shoulder slipped down and pressed fully against him. He almost stopped breathing… but he really liked the way she smelled. And she was touching him in a non-violent way.

"I scare you?"

"No, no, no. You totally do not scare me! I, erm, it's the suit. I feel like a monkey."

"I do not understand, but it does not matter since you are lying. Then again, you do seem to lack survival skills, so perhaps you do not fear me."

"Hey, I have instincts like a beast!" Alfred retorted hotly, "A beast I tell you. I am a panther on the prowl."

She scoffed and he felt his pride take a blow. He was like a panther. A big, sleek, dangerous cat. And she was his super-hot, cold-as-a-cucumber snow leopard. He pictured her clothed in a lovely snow leopard print coat that hugged in all the right places and licked his lips.

"Yes, you certainly behave like an animal."

Okay, ouch, again. Why did people only say things like that to him? They never said things like that to Matthew. Granted his brother was more fluffy baby puma than sexy cat but y'know.

He couldn't help it. He really couldn't. He didn't even have time to think about it before he had craned his neck and licked Natalia's arm. Only his constant exposure to Ivan and his fantastic reflexes saved him from parting with his tongue. However, his hero complex severely hindered him when she hit him with a full body tackle; she was a girl and he wasn't going to hit her back.

Instead he found himself pressed full length against the couch with a very hot and bothered Natalia towering over him. And despite the circumstances, he shivered with excitement. This might have been another reason why Ivan ran screaming from the room because Alfred had a very particular fantasy kink and wasn't too shy about his expression of it… loud expression with very explicit instructions for how he liked it.

"Why did you do that?" Natalia hissed through clenched teeth, one hand resting uncomfortably on his trachea. Her knees rested on either side of his rib cage and her firm buttocks was pressed against his pelvis snuggly, her skirt riding up teasingly.

"Instincts?" Alfred choked out and fought his rising body temperature. He was so not interested in becoming a eunuch. He wanted kids in the future! "I can lick other places!"

Oh. Shit.

Alfred vaguely missed the sound of Mattie laughing hysterically like a cracked out clown. It was his big, green flag telling him to start his engines for Fuckedville. He must be headed for some place much further along the deep shit road this time if he could recognize it himself. And he wasn't even drunk this time.

Abruptly Natalia seemed to realize what kind of position they were in and let go of his throat with a sharp move. Alfred coughed, but his arms were pinned so he couldn't massage it. Her body was still pressing shamelessly against his and he squirmed in pleasure and trepidation. He swallowed hard and shut his eyes willing Ludwig back into his mind. That should save his balls better than diving in a freezing lake.

"Do not lick me." She said calmly, still not lifting or moving her weight. In fact, she seemed quite content to show him who was in charge of this little scenario. And he was more than content to let her if it meant more fantasy fodder.

"Uh, it was a compliment? Sorry, I was totally too comfortable with you, and I definitely shouldn't have been licking without permission, no matter how good my tongue is."

"Your tongue is active." Natalia muttered softly and leaned forward. Alfred's chest constricted and he bit his traitorous tongue to keep it from waggling like a tempting target. He wanted to keep his tongue and his balls; everything else was expendable.

Her rear end shifted lower in response to her shifting weight. A low whine built up in the back of Alfred's throat. He thought sick thoughts. He pictured Mattie having his way with Ivan over the kitchen table (because God dammit that's what they were doing, probably with maple syrup lube or some sick kink like that). He pictured Francis in his Halloween costume from last year. He ran through every mental image he could procure but his hard on was going strong still.

"Mmm."

He bit back a moan when her breasts brushed against his chest. Her pale blue eyes were staring into his and her beautiful mouth was pinched at the corners. He was mesmerized, all fears forgotten and all hormones sailing full speed ahead.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he saluted himself for keeping a condom in his wallet just in case.

She closed the gap between them and placed her lips on his in a dry, hesitant kiss. He kept his tongue firmly between his teeth, moving his lips back encouragingly. This was familiar territory for him, but it was easy to feel how hesitant and reluctant she was.

With one smooth, strong motion, he pushed her off his arms and into a very tight fit against him completely. One arm wrapped around her thin waist, anchoring her down and caressing her side. At this point he didn't care if she let him pressed against her. Hopefully she'd take it as a compliment, although maybe not. He was careful about spreading her knees and keeping the angle impossible, just in case.

Emboldened by his response and her success, she parted her lips a little bit and Alfred needed no second invitation to show her his talents. His free hand ran through her long, blond hair and over her smooth face. The other hand danced across her back and sides, trailing down to give a cup and squeeze to her wonderful butt. And he gave another, harder squeeze making her gasp into his mouth.

Her mouth left his and started peppering slow, wet kisses across his cheek. Her nose brushed his ear and her hot, heavy puffs of breathe echoed in the shell of his ear. He laughed a little as her hair brushed against his nose and pressed a light kiss to the side of her neck above the collar bone. Her pulse fluttered beneath his lips and he felt a surge of affection he hadn't had with the other girls he had fooled around with.

Happy dick plus happy heart… could it get any better?

Her movements were sloppy and unpracticed and delightful. Now who was going off instincts? Her hands had moved from braced against his chest to moving under his shirt. He felt warm, petite fingers brush over his abdomen, tracing circles with short, well-kept nails. The circles moved up then down and he worked to keep his hips down. He yelped when those nails pinched over his nipple a little too hard and bucked his hips up in the moment of lost control. Natalia responded with a near-silent noise and ground down hard in retaliation.

The party was moving to his pants (and had already found its way under her skirt) when they heard the door slam. Immediately they both stopped (although he couldn't help but give his knuckles one last roll against the fabric of her undies).

"Uh…" he panted, trying to talk but too hazy to actually come up with an excuse as to why the two of them were in such a compromising position. Actually, if he was going to think about anything other than his throbbing need and her hot body that was soooooooooo close, it would be how they ended up in this position in the first place. Because he had been so sure he was going to come away missing a body part or two not get lucky.

She leapt off him, straightening her skirt much to his disappointment, and hauled him off the couch. With a gasp, he stumbled after her into her room. Before he could even get a glimpse at the private area of her life he idly speculated about he was unceremoniously shoved in the closet. And left in the warm, dark with a raging hard on and an uncomfortably hot body.

He could hear her slam the door and there was a rustle of covers. When someone came to inquire, Natalia responded in breathy whisper that she wasn't feeling well and needed to sleep.

Well, she should be in the bed, but there shouldn't be any sleeping involved.

Alfred waited until he couldn't take it anymore and stuck a hand down his pants. The zipper was already hap-hazardously undone and the front of his boxers were wet. There was no willing this bad boy away.

Natalia let him out a little bit later. She had composed herself much faster than he had, although she still shifted her legs, betraying her lack of complete success, and eyed him with a mixture of a lot of things.

But he certainly wasn't expecting to be slapped.

Well, maybe he was. Just a little bit. But she had been on board and he was a college guy and there was the gusting, unstoppable feeling of affection that blew from his heart like a volcano when he touched, smelled, and saw her. It was the serotonin, testosterone and all that shit making him do it. It was chemical warfare! He didn't stand a chance.

"My tongue is awesome." He managed a cheeky grin and blew her a mock kiss, irritating his new handprint on his cheek. "And your instincts aren't half bad."

Natalia flushed pink and Alfred immediately felt a rush of guilt. What if she hadn't been ready? What if he hurt her? What if he broke her? His worst fear would be coming true. How could he live with himself? He'd have to think of himself as a walking penis with two legs. He'd be a dickhead of the highest order, literally. He would have ruined everything because he couldn't keep it in his pants like a gentleman. He deserved to have his balls chopped off.

She stared at him and he was off foaming rabidly in what-if land. Ivan was going to murder him and Francis was going to mock his mad skills (never mind the coward would never have the guts to make a move on Natalia in the first place!) and Toris would be so disappointed in him for being such a scumbag and Katerina would just cry. No, scratch that, she'd probably wail in mourning! For Natalia's innocence.

"Alfred…"

He snapped his head around as he registered that someone was calling his name. Natalia had moved to her bed (he was really surprised to see the room was decorated in lilac and indigo and white—the flowers matched pretty damn well) with her hands folded in her lap. Every so often they twitched and a few times brushed against a place Alfred most certainly should not even be thinking about let alone looking at and lusting over.

Scum. He was hormonal, bastard scum.

"Come here."

Reluctantly he crept forward and gingerly sat on the opposite length of the bed.

"Come here." There was a bit more command in her voice the second time and he practically jumped to sit next to her. He still didn't dare to quite touch her without permission though, so there was an awkward buffer between the two of them.

She cut him a look and he realized she was just as nervous as he was. And just as horny. He was willing to bet that she'd be more than happy to go down on him with a little coaxing and come experience. Just the mere thought made things churn, ready for another round. Maybe even some handcuffs and a little role play with some knives. Deadly assassins with slick, black leather were always hot.

"Nat…" he started and stumbled. What was he going to say? He wasn't particularly sorry (except that they were interrupted) and he sure as hell wanted a full round. But the former was expected and the latter was probably not going to happen for him.

She placed a finger over his lips. He playfully pressed a kiss to it, earning a warning look. Just to push the envelope, he did it again, making sure it was chaste enough to show he was just teasing. It took some restraint not to do some other things with the digit and his worked up tongue.

"That…"

"Was totally awesome." Alfred finished firmly. He had a pretty good idea what she was about to say or he thought he did anyway. And that was so not in his plans. "You are wonderful and lovely."

Natalia flushed again at the directness and the compliment. Then she scowled, "Do not say it."

"What?" Alfred asked innocently, "The four letter word or let's have sex? Because I'd really like to say both."

"You do not stop."

"Nope, I'm goddamn persistent. Mattie says its one of my worst features after being loud and obnoxious. Want to go out to dinner?"

When she didn't slap him again he knew he had scored. Oh yeah, All-star Al struck again!


	30. Chapter 30

Side Story 8

Alfred thumped his head down and sighed. This being understanding and responsible thing was much harder than it seemed. The librarian glared at him, probably remembering his insistence about the atmosphere book. It wasn't his fault the damn thing didn't exist!

"Sorry for thumping my head too loud!" he cheerfully called out and Lovino narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. Feliciano was nowhere in sight. Even Antonio was suspiciously absent and the library was quiet and empty. Lovino could cut him some slack; it was his brain he was rattling.

He peered back down at the book, making his eyes cross. He liked science and all but this psychology bullshit was just too much. It made his head hurt. How could they victimize some many people with these "harmless" studies? Maybe he should skip the science and look at the religious sector. Who knew this was so complicated? No wonder Mattie was so freaked out about it all. Alfred would be too if it were him.

His eyes skimmed the text lazily and he started to shut the book. The far page caught his eye and he brought his tired eyes into focus.

Oh. My. God.

Alfred bolted up in alarm. No, no, no! No way. It was bad enough his brother was a fruitcake but there was a 75% chance he was too? And he didn't know it? How could he not know he was gay? Wait, calm down, there was still a 25% chance he was a manly man who loved beer and football and beavers… and not the kind of beavers Canadians loved so much. Still… those were bad odds… there was a 75% chance he wasn't who he thought he was and oh my god, mom and dad would have a fit about the grandbabies, and Ivan would be laughing his ass off saying how he called it. And… and… his two best friends were gay! What if he was subconsciously attracted to them? That would be awful. He and Kiku could be in the middle of playing MWF3 and end up getting it on! Or Alfred would be slapped and dumped because Kiku didn't find him attractive. Oh jesus, was he an attractive prospect to gay men?

He slammed his head down again, harder. The resounding thump brought Lovino out from around from behind the counter scowling.

Lovino! He was gay, and he had a fraternal twin! He and Feliciano were fraternal twins, Alfred was pretty sure, even though they looked almost identical except for the scowl/smile give away. Could identical twins have personality defects? Like one twin sucked away all the good personality traits leaving the other grumpy and humorless and prone to fits of outrage?

"Lovino!"

The Italian stopped dead, looking startled. Then he looked nervous. Alfred jumped up maniacally and he retreated hastily towards the security call button he used on Antonio.

"Nonono, wait! You're gay, right? Is Feliciano gay too?"

Lovino's mouth dropped open and he sputtered unintelliable Italian while Alfred waited expectantly.

"I am NOT GAY YOU BASTARD!" At the end of the sentence his pitched reached so high Alfred's eardrums felt like they shattered. He winced, holding his ears, and whined, "Then why are you and Toni going out?"

Lovino's eyes practically bulged out of his head. His voice dropped, "WHO told you that? Did Feli tell you that? I'm going to FUCKING KILL HIM."

"So you are going out!" Alfred laughed. Oh yes, Ivan owed him $20. And his phone had beautiful audio recording so the Russian couldn't back out.

"N-o-o." Lovino moaned, "We are just _friends_. I help him with the tomatoes and he gives me some as payment. We're _business partners_, just business partners!"

"Hehe, you said partners."

Alfred almost forgot his own source of discomfort watching the Italian flail around uselessly and he idly noticed he did turn as red as a tomato. That led him to notice how incredibly long and delicate Lovino's eyelashes were, almost like a girl's. Not to mention when his eyes were squeezed shut in irritation, they were a pretty chocolate color. They kind of matched his hair with that crazy curl that made Alfred want to touch it… Alfred realized that he was checking another guy out! And thinking about touching him in a non-manly way!

Lovino finally started to wind down with his hands on his knees, huffing for breath. He was still muttering obscenities under his breath when Feliciano wandered in. A smudge of pasta sauce indicated where he had been. He saw Alfred and broke into a beaming smile, completely unconcerned about his brother's very obvious meltdown. It probably happened so often Feliciano would be concerned if his brother wasn't like that.

"Hi Alfred!"

"Hi Feli! I have a question for you."

"Oh, it's not another science question, is it? I'm not very good at those." Feliciano scrunched up his face with mild disgust.

"Are you gay?"

Lovino, who had finally returned to his normal color, immediately colored up again and started to hyperventilate. Feliciano vacantly thumped his brother on the back while he cocked his head in consideration.

"Well… I don't know. Am I? I think Ludwig is very handsome and Gilbert has beautiful hair. And when we took a shower together, I thought he had a very nice body. He was very long and pale." Feliciano did not elaborate on the 'he' but Alfred figured it was Gilbert, who wasn't that shy about showing off his body. He constantly bragged about his 5 meters, whatever stupid length that was? Alfred wasn't sure. Maybe it was like inches? That wasn't anything to brag about.

Lovino started choking and clutching his head.

"I don't know. I just read this study on twins that said if one twin is gay then the other is probably gay too. Mattie is obviously living in gayland with the big, hairy Russian—" Lovino started turning purple, "Anyway, since Lovino's gay, I wondered if you were too!"

Feliciano's eyes flew open and he wailed, "Lovi's GAY? Why didn't you tell me _fratello_? That's wonderful! Now you can go out with Toni and stop being so grumpy all the time." Feliciano hugged his unresponsive brother tightly. "Wait until I tell Toni! He'll be soooo happy. He loves you so much. Now you can get married and be happy forever!"

That revived Lovino. He whipped up and pointed a crooked finger at Alfred looking like the Grim Reaper. Alfred squeaked.

"You. Out. NOW!"

Alfred banged the book shut and hastily scrambled out of the library as the Italians went into a very lively discourse of tongue removal and two could keep a secret is one was dead.

Alfred realized Feliciano still hadn't answered him.

* * *

This was obviously NOT something he could discuss with Mattie. Nope. But he had two bestest gay friends. Hey, he was the stereotypical guy in some TV show drama.

"Kiku, can I ask you a personal question?"

The small Japanese man froze, the soda he was pouring for his guest overflowing the cup. He pinched his lips together and gave a jerky nod. Alfred ignored it. Kiku got that look anytime he actually had to have real human contact that didn't involve a video game.

"So, um, I don't know how to say this, but, do you have a twin?"

Kiku's thin eyebrow raised.

"Like a secret evil twin?"

A second eyebrow raised to join the first.

"No, I do not." Kiku relaxed slightly.

"Oh no, you ARE the evil one!" Alfred accused suddenly and watched Kiku jump. He gave a smile and slapped the shell-shocked man on the back. "Just kidding." Kiku gave a huge sigh and tried to take a sip of his tea, "So, does gay sex feel good or something?"

Alfred was not expecting to be sprayed in the face. He blinked and wiped his face. Why was everyone having such a heart attack? Didn't they know he was cool with it? Couldn't he be curious? It's not like he asked if Kiku had some weird kink where he dressed in school girl outfits (he did; Alfred saw it on his computer) or suggested he dress Arthur in a unicorn suit with a dildo horn. Sheesh, it was a simple question.

Kiku turned, face red, and said quietly, "That is not an appropriate question, Jones-san."

Uh-oh, the dreaded formal speech had come back. Alfred had fucked it up big. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was going to require a lot of Taco Bell to make it up to Kiku.

"I told ya it was going to be personal!" Alfred protested. "Never mind, sorry I asked. How about this? When did you figure out you were gay?"

Kiku straightened his back and readjusted his feet under him. He fussed with the tea cup aimlessly for a few minutes. Alfred clamped his lips together. Getting increasingly uncomfortable, he was about to say forget it all just as Kiku spoke.

"When I was 14."

Alfred waited.

And waited.

"…Uh, dude, you're making a tea tsunami."

Kiku blinked and stared down at the tea pot he'd picked up and was currently dumping out.

And once again Alfred found himself on the other side of the door.

He didn't get it! It was a simple question.

* * *

So he went to Arthur. Arthur wouldn't let him down. Arthur was his bestest best-bud ever. Arthur never held his punches. Arthur never kicked him out, even when he deserve it and was puking all over Arthur's shoes in the closet.

He really wasn't expecting to practically have his nose broken by an embarrassed Brit slamming the door in his face. He didn't even get to say anything! Plus, he heard Francis, so it's not like he wasn't asking about something Arthur didn't know about!

Prick.

* * *

Matthew braced himself for his whirlwind of a brother. He wasn't sure what exactly had gotten Alfred riled up this time, but he was quite sure that it would be coming his way soon enough if the outraged texts were anything to go by. And if Alfred was going out of his way to irritate the Italians, he must be more fired up than usual.

It was really hard to brace for anything when his boyfriend was currently pawing all over him, pressing chapped lips and a big nose into soft creases making Matthew giggle and swat him away.

"Behave." He hissed uselessly and pushed Ivan back with his palm, "I'm trying to watch for Alfred."

Ivan shrugged and tugged on Matthew's ears with his teeth gently, "I think Matvey is using the wrong sense. You should use your ears instead; you will be better warned."

Good advice, although at that point Matthew wasn't really thinking about Alfred anymore.

"MATTIE!"

Matthew practically bit off Ivan's tongue as he jumped in surprise. Why was Alfred so loud? Seriously, his voicebox was a crime against nature. It was like he evolved to live in the jungle like some kind of burger-guzzling, fashion-conscious Tarzan.

Matthew turned to look at his brother, who was standing in the door with a weird look on his face. Well, it wasn't like this was anything new to him. He'd walked in on far, far worse, and it was totally his fault for coming home early and not knocking and for generally being an unobservant ass. And Matthew was NOT going to apologize OR pay for therapy so Al could flirt with the shrink.

Al glanced at them, then downward, then at them, then downward. With each lap, his face screwed up into a more frightening expression. Matthew slid off Ivan's lap, while the other made a pouty huff, and looked at his brother wondering if he had some kind of illness. He followed Al's gaze and turned bright red.

"Pervert."

"Nuh-uh, nuthins cooking down there," Alfred sighed in what sounded like relief. He made a grab and an adjustment in his too-tight cowboy jeans (his latest obsession when he learned Natalia was taking dressage – he didn't seem to understand the different between that and rodeo). Matthew looked away but Ivan smiled, "It has been said that tight clothing and Mountain Dew leads to impotency. Alas, for the sake of the gene pool, it is for the better, da?"

"I have plenty of – impiety!" Matthew covered up a snort. Alfred's slip was dead-on. "Don't diss my manhood, man. I'm not _the girl_."

Ivan's face clouded over a bit at the threat to his own manhood. He started chuckling under his breath but Alfred didn't notice. He wandered over to the fridge and bent down to dig in it, his unnaturally obnoxious voice filling the kitchen.

"Seriously, what's so great about gay sex? Is there some kind of conspiracy against the straightmaybegay guy?" Alfred complained and Ivan's aura turned a little darker. Matthew just sighed and tried to finish the ham sandwich he was eating before Ivan interrupted him with delicious kisses and wandering fingers and DAMMIT Al. No wonder Arthur slammed the door in his face; he was such a cockblock!

"I mean, it all sounds kinda sick. Really, I don't see the appeal of a big, hairy dick up your a-." Alfred yelped as the back of his bomber jacket was grabbed and he ended up hefted against the wall. He struck out with his heels and twisted in the leather's embrace, but Ivan was practiced enough to know just how to scruff him like a wayward cat. Alfred hissed just like one too, "Mat-tie, Ivan's bullying me again! Yo, commie, put me down."

Matthew sighed and took another bite wishing he had put more mustard in the sandwich. It was a little bland. Oh, and pickles. He really wanted some pickles.

Instead of letting fists fly, the usual outcome to this sort of confrontation, Ivan pushed Alfred up against the wall with his whole body and kissed him. Matthew's ham sandwich took a dive back towards his plate and he jumped up.

Alfred, for once, was silent, his eyes wide with shock. Ivan was grinning and humming with delight.

"Oh my god, I felt a spark, did you feel a spark, I can't believe there was a spark, oh god oh god." Alfred started babbling. Ivan just grinned wider and ground forward making Alfred scream like he was being murdered.

"Ivan!"

Ivan ungracefully dropped Alfred in a wailing heap on the ground and turned with a concerned look on his face. Matthew tried to unclench his fists (and willed himself not to kick the still screaming Alfred huddled in devastation in the corner).

"Alfred is very stupid. He must do something to learn; he does not _listen_."

Matthew opened his mouth to retort when Ivan's words rang in his head. He would deal with THAT particular issue later. First things first, he had to get Alfred out before Ivan decided that he needed the whole, authentic experience.

"You, out in the living room." Ivan frowned and bunched his eyebrows mutinously but did as he was commanded, "You, get up off the floor."

"It was a spark! I only feel sparks with girls! I can't be gay!" Alfred hunched up and Matthew did try to kick him. Then he hopped away on one foot and scowled. He fished out his cell phone and scrolled down to the F's. Alfred did learn best with hands-on encounters. For some reason the God of Women seemed to think he was gay. What a dumbass. Matthew was sure that he had inadvertently hogged all the common sense in the womb; there was no other explanation for why Alfred was such a clueless disaster.

"_Bonjour_," Francis thrilled and Matthew strained to hear if there was any noise in the background. Francis had a bad habit of answering his cell during sex. Matthew had told him it was extremely unattractive, but he said he had to for work. When confront about the fact he didn't have a job, he replied that spreading love and self-esteem was the highest, most endless calling possible. Far more rewarding than mere money. "How may I service you?"

Even though he should have been expecting it, Matthew choked, "Don't you mean, how may I be of service to you?"

"That's what I said, _mon cher._" The French man chuckled smoothly and Matthew heard the lighter click. Well, at least he called after the other finished. Francis had a bad habit of smoking after all his other bad habits were complete.

"Come and get Alfred. He thinks he's gay."

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone and then uproarious laughter, "Didn't my _petit lapin_ inform him that he is straighter than a honeymoon dick?"

"You know Alfred; he doesn't listen to reason." Or violence apparently going by Arthur's text. And Matthew wasn't going to ask what that was; he just wasn't going to ask. "Can't you do something with him? Dump him in a strip club or something."

Francis chuckled deeply, "_Non_, I think your solution is much simpler for the matters of Alfred's heart."

What in the – oh. OH. Oh no.

"Just call her up and explain that dear Alfred needs to make sweet, sweet love to her to confirm his masculinity."

Yeah, he would just call Natalia and tell her that. Then he could kiss his own manhood good-bye while he was at it. Um, no.

"On second thought, I'll just duct tape him out of Ivan's reach and feed him hamburger shakes. But thank you for your suggestions Francis…"

Matthew went around the still noisy kitchen and slouched into the living room. On the one hand, he felt like he should scold Ivan and let his low self-esteem reign fury. On the other hand, he felt a lot more secure in their relationship and given Ivan's love of tormenting Alfred, it really could have been harmless (malicious but benign) play.

Ivan was seated on the couch fiddling with his scarf ends. When Matthew entered he started guiltily and gave his little boy smile. The kind Alfred gave their mother right before he pointed at Matthew. Matthew frowned back and the smile faded into the same worried luck as before.

"I apologize, Matvey."

Matthew wasn't letting him off that easily. He crossed a line today. And good lord, if Alfred wasn't giving him a head ache with all the caterwauling.

"For?"

Ivan blinked warily.

"Ivan, I know you like to play, but you kissing Alfred and pretending to rape him really hurt me." Matthew swallowed around the lump in his throat. He was mature. He was going to tell Ivan, without getting mad, jealous or weepy, what the problem was. Francis would be so proud. Well, actually, he could hear the French pervert insisting that Ivan give Matthew an apology of the physical kind to seal the grievance. Matthew wasn't sure he was mature enough to taste the burger breath on Ivan's lips. "And… and… please don't do it." He was not going to cry, dammit, no matter how much his feelings were hurt and despite the fact that it was going to replay on his closed eyelids all night.

Ivan sat frozen.

Alfred had stopped keening and was raiding the fridge. He banged around noisily in the kitchen probably completely over the incident. He was disgusting like that. His mood swings rivaled that of a Tasmanian devil going through menopause. He poured all of his feelings out at once and then skipped away merrily like nothing had ever happened. Kind of like that honey badger on youtube. Alfred don't care; Alfred is bad ass.

"That's… that's it." Matthew whispered. If he expected Ivan to come swooping down and engulfing him in hug he'd been watching too many stupid chick flicks with Gilbert. He wasn't really sure if he wanted to punch Ivan, Alfred, or just go find his new hockey stick… to use on the puck. Yeah, the puck. Because violence and jealousy weren't healthy in a relationship. And hospitals tended to ask dangerous questions. Then hospitals tended to speak to the nice police officers.

"Anyway, brace yourself. I am calling Natalia and invited her over."

That seemed to wake Ivan up. His violet eyes darted around nervously and Matthew could see him formulating his escape. No way. No way was he escaping when he instigated this mess. Matthew saw him rubbing static electricity into his scarf, don't think he didn't! Only Alfred, the SCIENCE major, would be dumb enough to think that was a spark of attraction.

"Don't you move Ivan; I'm serious. You got him all worked up." Matthew warned. Ivan pointed to the banging in the kitchen, "Alfred is… tough. He has recovered, da? There is no need for Natalia!" His voice rose two octaves higher than any male's voice had a right to go.

"Fine then, but you're not going to be coming back in until Alfred gets over this weird phase. I can't trust you."

Matthew didn't even look at Ivan as he said it. He felt simultaneously proud and nauseated at the fact that he just calmly laid it all out of the table. He was done being an emotional coward about it. Ivan had to learn that his actions hurt other people, and Matthew had to teach him, otherwise this wouldn't work in the long run.

"Matvey…"

"I'm going to finish my sandwich." As if, his stomach was so rebellious he couldn't eat a bite between Natalia and Ivan, "And speak to my stupid brother. Don't bother to lock the door on the way out. I'll text you when this gets sorted out."

Matthew felt a weigh come off. He'd done it. He'd taken charge and said what needed to be said. And to quote Gilbert, it was awesome. He could always curl into a ball in his empty bedroom and cry later if he needed to. But tougher-than-steel man was a new man in the eyes of the public, and he liked it, liked it a lot.

Alfred was morosely poking something out of a Tupperware container. He smiled at Matthew with his kicked dog smile, "I think Arthur's mad at me. And Kiku too. Well, and Romano, but that was so funny! The rumors are going to be all over the school Monday."

"You need to apologize to them." Matthew sighed. Between Alfred and Ivan he seemed to be the only one who could function in society, "Whatever you said, it wasn't appropriate."

"It's not like their dirty laundry isn't aired all over." Alfred waved Matthew's chiding away, "I just wanna know how it feels to be gay."

"No you don't."

Alfred poked the food again, "No, not really. I don't WANT to be gay either. You got it tough, lil bro. Can't say as I'm jealous." He was silent for another moment, "But you've got me; I'll be your hero. And you've got the douchebag eavesdropping at the door. Freakin' lip molester… Christmas wasn't enough for you, was it? We'll be here for ya, bro, so don't worry, okay?"

That… that was quite possibly one of the most moving speeches Alfred had made… recently. Matthew waited for him to open his mouth and ruin it. Instead he shoved some mushy rice into his mouth and smacked slowly, still muttering about perverts and sexual assaults.

Matthew couldn't hold back a smile. He gave Alfred a big hug, which his brother eagerly reciprocated. Alfred ruffled his hair then shoved him away to continue eating. Pig.

The doorbell rang but before Matthew could go get it (let it be a surprise for his gross brother to be seen inhaling food like a hyena) he heard the door open. He could faintly hear Ivan's voice and Natalia's. Inching closer, he listened.

"…look well."

"Life in America suits me, I believe." Natalia responded coolly, "It seems Alfred has a problem?"

Ivan chuckled darkly, no doubt blaming the blond for his current predicament and planning revenge, "Alfred is a problem."

Natalia responded sharply in Russian and Ivan let out a small laugh. The voices were coming closer; it was a small apartment after all, even smaller since Ivan had practically moved in with them. Their conversation was in Russian, but it seemed natural. Ivan wasn't cowering and Natalia wasn't obsessing. Matthew wondered how long it had been since they had been in the same room and comfortable around each other. Alfred was really amazing sometimes.

He slipped out of the kitchen. Natalia could figure out what to do with his crazy brother. Al was 100% her problem now. Although he hoped they wouldn't go at it on the table. That was NOT comfortable not matter how hot and kinky the idea of it was. Then again, he supposed Alfred was strong enough to make other posit—oh my god, no, mental bleach. Matthew did not need to have that in his head. It burned!

He was so busy trying to rub the image out of his eyelids (not very effective, since it was created by his brain in the first place), he didn't know Ivan was there until he bumped into him. Two heavy hands crashed down on his shoulders and dragged him into a crushing hug. Ivan's noise was buried in his hair and the he swayed slightly, pulling Matthew along with him, partly on his tip toes. The two just hung there like that in silence for a moment.

"Alfred was correct."

Well, this was a first. Ivan admitting Alfred was right? Hell was freezing over. Right about what?

"Matvey is a very tough cookie." Matthew almost giggled at the phrase wondering where Ivan picked it up. Probably some children's show. "And Matvey is very good and nice and happy… with me? To me? I am unsure of the words, I apologize. Matvey is with me, and I will be with him."

Matthew just sighed at how weak his knees had gotten. It wasn't an apology, but he'd take it just the same.

"My behavior was… very bad. I do not wish to hurt Matvey." Lips were pressed to his head and the arms around him squeezed a little tighter, "Alfred is, how do you say? A target. Resisting is difficult. I am sorry Matvey."

Matthew tilted his head back until their faces met. Matthew whispered against Ivan's lips, "Apology accepted."

A/N: Not well-executed, but the idea had to be written. Got to love the use of random statistics documentaries use, which was the original inspiration. The only reference I could find on this was the "Gay gene gap" twin studies, where "… found 52 percent of identical twin brothers of gay men also were gay, compared with 22 percent of fraternal twins, compared with 11 percent of genetically unrelated (adopted) brothers." I don't think Al has to worry too much.

As an aside, I wanted to beat him for hijacking the story and managed to bring it back around to Matthew. Because Al is a drama queen and an attention hog (and entirely too fun to write).


	31. Side Story 9

Warning: serious crack ahead. And cross dressing. And lots of crack.

Side Story 9

"I hate you." Matthew muttered into his stuffed bear as he sulked on the couch. "I hate you a lot."

Ivan didn't seem concerned. He was taking advantage of Alfred's absence to play Tetris without being harassed for a 'cooler game.'

"What would Alfred say? Ah, it will be fun!" Ivan replied calmly, clearly not understanding that Alfred's version of fun didn't match with any sane college student's version of fun. Well, maybe the jello shots and keggers, but the crazy charity shit? No way.

"Yes, fun. Did Al tell you this was a team event?"

"_Da_."

Matthew grabbed the remote and muted the song; it was driving him up the wall, playing over and over and over and over and over again! Didn't Ivan ever start over? Were all Russians inborn with the ability to get to level bazillion on Tetris or was he just special?

"And you realize that you are participating too, right?"

That got his attention.

"_Nyet_."

"No you didn't know or no you're not going to do it? Because now you do and yes you are." Matthew said over the bear. He loved his boyfriend, he loved his boyfriend. Just because his boyfriend was stupid enough to get played by Alfred – who wasn't even here! – didn't mean he loved him any less. But if Matthew was going down because of Ivan, then he was going to take Ivan down with him. There was no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Ivan's violet eyes widened comically and his mouth curled into a small, shocked 'o.' He shook his head slightly and put his hands up in surrender.

"Ivan."

Ivan gave puppy dog eyes.

Matthew swore he was going to cut off his brother's b—ahem, pluck out his eyeballs. Clearly he was teaching Ivan all kinds of bad habits. Who knows what kind of terrible influence he was on Natalia, the scary chick with the _knives_. It was pretty adorable though – not the Natalia part, Ivan's face. Especially over his big nose with a platinum fringe falling in his eyes.

Sensing weakness, he cocked his head slightly and pooched out his bottom lip.

Matthew almost died.

"Ahahahahahahaha!"

Ivan's angelic expression melted into an irritated scowl while Matthew tried desperately to catch his breath. It took a little bit of effort and he realized that Ivan would probably pout in Alfred's room… hmm, perfect place for a little make up time. What Alfred didn't know wouldn't hurt him. And if his webcam happened to be rolling… well, he shouldn't make his password 'hamburgerhero.'

"No, no, it was a good try." Matthew tried to console Ivan with a pat to the shoulder. He snatched his hand back when Ivan made a grab. He gave a peacemaker smile, "Let me make it up to you, okay? How do pancakes sound?"

Pancakes sounded grand to him. Matthew didn't wait for an answer as he hauled himself up and tossed the bear to the side. Ivan didn't really mean to, but he almost made up for his earlier stupidity. Almost. He was still going to be in that damn contest. In a dress.

Really, it was Matthew's fault. He should have known when Alfred failed to convince him to participate that Al would go after Ivan. His brother was a dick like that.

Every year one of the many charities Alfred volunteered for held a drag show. And every year, like the ridiculous attention whore he was, Alfred showed up in a star spangled bikini. And every year he smoked the competition. .fail. Except this year he was off at some summer science camp and lamenting about how his spotless record was going to be ruined. And by lamenting, Al was bitching. Endlessly. Matthew was never so happy to shove his brother on the bus and wave good-bye.

He put it out of his mind until he received a very chipper email congratulating him on signing up for the fifth annual contest. It went on to explain that this year was a special year because the contestants would compete in teams of three. As a result, the sponsors had promised to triple the amount donated to the winning charity. At the bottom of the email was a pile of pitbull puppies that looked like Daisy's little brothers.

That douche.

It wasn't until later in the day when Ivan wandered in from class incredibly pleased with himself. He proceeded to tell Matthew that he "convinced" Toris to have his brother run Matthew's personal information so he could fill out the form.

"…Alfred said Matvey would be in a dress." Ivan said following him into the kitchen. Matthew tried not to roll his eyes. Of course.

Matthew pulled out the flour and grabbed some eggs, "Yeah, you will. And I get to see you in a dress too. So we're even. Do you think Toris would be on our team?"

"I don't want to see Toris in a dress."

Neither did Matthew but it was clear they needed a third person. He thought about his friends: Lars was definitely out. He would probably laugh so hard he'd crack a rib and then make some lewd comment about uses for pantyhose. Tino wouldn't be too bad except Matthew really didn't want the image of him in drag in his head. Tino would just look too good. Berwald on the other hand was too scary. Gilbert would be even worse. He would want blackmail pictures and Matthew would never hear the end of it if he were a 'girl' even for some stupid contest to save some ridiculously cute puppies. Curse Alfred! Why couldn't it have been ugly children? Sophie couldn't participate and Ludwig usually chaired the judging booth anyway. Who else was there?

"Ivan, I'm serious. We need a third person." Matthew flipped the pancake perfectly and placed it on the plate. Ivan hovered eagerly behind him, all slights temporarily forgotten. He hummed in thought before saying cheerfully, "Yao-Yao!"

Well, that was even worse than Toris. Toris was a crush; Yao was an old flame. And Matthew didn't really know a lot about him, although he constantly seemed cross at the large "family" he bullied and herded around the college. He had a sharp tongue but didn't seem unnecessarily cruel. And he certainly looked the part of a girl with his long hair and petite frame.

Before Matthew could veto the idea, Ivan had out his phone and was clumsily typing out some message to Yao. The two settled into to their breakfast for dinner and chatted about normal things. Matthew almost felt like he could relax. Things had been going very well with Ivan lately. Ivan was paying attention to what he said. The Russian wasn't overly clingy but he seemed to be paying Matthew more attention. Positive attention. He seemed to be finding a balance to his possessiveness.

And it made Matthew feel secure and loved. He couldn't help but respond. But he also worried. He couldn't help it.

Impulsively he reached over and hugged Ivan. Ivan sat still for a moment before hugging back gently. The two sat like that over the stack of pancakes until Ivan's phone chirped. Oh yes, Ivan enjoyed driving him crazy with annoying noises. The cricket ringtone was just the newest in the long line of 'what will annoy Alfred the most' noises. Sadly, most of them just amused Alfred but annoyed the heck out of Matthew.

"Priyet! Ah, Yao-yao…" Ivan was cut off by an angry tirade that spilled out into the small kitchen. At the end Matthew clearly heard: "Ivan, you know I am too busy to play with you!"

Click.

The big Russian slowly put down his phone, "Yao-yao said no. But that's okay! I will go visit tomorrow in person. I am very persuasive!"

Matthew didn't doubt it.

Still, he was surprised the next day when Ivan came back. He had been wracking his brain for someone else who would help them without much luck. The door opened then slammed and he assumed the worst. He had no idea what the worst actually was.

"Wow, this is super small! I thought all houses in America were huge. This is like my apartment at home, except that's much smaller, and I have to share it with my _umma_ and _appa_ and _nuna_!" Im Yong Soo glanced curiously around before pouncing on the game consoles, "I have this game; it's great. But it only took twenty hours straight to beat… Oh, and this one's good, but the sequel sucked. Hmm, I haven't played this one yet. Yao's so mean! He says I play too many video games and that I should study more! Then when I'm actually studying, he tells me to do something useful for once and make this big guy go away. So when I go to kick him out, the door slams behind me! And it locks! Can you believe that? So here I am. Can I play Xbox now?"

Matthew's jaw dropped. It was the Asian version of Alfred.

"Let me guess, Yao volunteered him to be on our team?" Ivan nodded in response looking nonplussed at the Korean expertly flipping on the console. Matthew groaned into his hands. With Yao they might have stood a chance, but now they needed a miracle.

A miracle which seemed to be forthcoming. (FF to the future!~)

Matthew couldn't help smirking a little at the competition.

"Hey, Gil!"

Gilbert glanced up in surprise then smirked, "Matt-man, how's it hanging? Oh wait, it's not. I hope you know how to tuck."

Matthew just rolled his eyes, "Why are you here Gil?"

"Because West told me to do something productive other than give people nicknames when they are lame and come to buy pussy chocolates. He also insulted my intelligence saying it was amazing I could do awesome alliterations and it had to be a fluke. I showed him, that lame loser Ludwig." Gilbert complained, "Oh, and I wanted to totally show your attention whore of a brother up! Annoying, arrogant Alfred the awful agonistic. That winning ribbon will look great on my Mustang as I roll past your house… ten or twenty times playing 'We Are the Champions.'" Matthew didn't comment on agonistic – he assumed Gilbert meant something else, but who knows.

Which meant Fr—

"Ah, Matthieu, so good to see you~" Francis purred in his ear making him jump slightly, "By chance are you participating in this delightful event as well? Wonderful. You have a very—" Francis' hands roamed down Matthew's sides slowly, "flattering figure!" They, predictably, ended up on his butt. He yelped and Francis laughed lightly, "So sweet and innocent, _non_?"

"Hands off Frenchie Fuckface Francis!" Gilbert growled at his friend. Francis turned around and clicked his tongue, "I do wish you would stop with the juvenile name calling, oh grouchy, gabbing Gilbert."

"Don't you mean glorious, godly and gigantic—" he pointed to his crotch in a lewd motion, "Gilbert!"

Francis put his hand on his head in mock despair, "How could I forgot your awesome five meters. The shame!"

"Damn straight, and don't forget it, you flatulent fraud!" Gilbert retorted vengefully with a cackle. Francis glared, "Uncalled for! Sometimes, between you and Arthur, I question my sanity! There is only so much a kind, beautiful and gentle soul such as myself can take of your uncouth behavior! Disgusting that you would even mention it."

Gilbert grinned, showing his canines, and slowly put both hands to his face and blew into them.

"Stop it!"

Toni wandered up and gave his friends a puzzled glance. He clearly had no idea what was going on but cheerfully imitated his friend, puffing air out of his cheeks with a wet sound. At that point Francis was shrieking and putting hands over his ears in outrage.

Matthew decided to walk away while his dignity was still intact. And he walked right into a very solid wall. He assumed it was Ivan, but when he pulled away, he alternated between the desire to scream and wet himself.

"H-hi B-berwald." …in drag.

Tino waved from behind the big man cheerfully, already wearing make-up and a long, blond wig with a flower headband. A pretty white shiny dress with light blue trim hugged the curves that no man should have. He gave a wink and blew a kiss with painted lips. What had been seen couldn't be unseen. Matthew was now forever going to look at his team captain and picture this moment.

"H-hi Tino. Umm, wow."

Tino giggled, "If you think I look good, wait until you see Mathias! He's a stunner. Oh, sorry, you must be our competition. I guess I shouldn't let you see us before the show just in case!"

Cue the Twilight Zone music.

Matthew had been abducted in his sleep and was now on an alternate planet where everyone had lost their minds. Or Ivan had finally banged his head too hard while they were mock wrestling on the living room floor and he had a concussion. The second one seemed more plausible, but Alfred swore there were aliens out there and it was always better to blame the wrong on others.

"There you are… um, what was your name?" Yong Soo frowned in puzzlement before supplementing, "Anyway, Alfred's brother, the scary creep is looking for you. We need to get ready. But don't worry, cross-dressing was invented in Korea! It's in my blood; I'm a pro at all the fashion games! And I diligently study all the latest pop stars."

How comforting. At least one of them knew something useful.

Luckily the three were not let to their own devises. Matthew looked at the array of alchemist powders and pigments littering the tablet. They seemed to come in every color and skin shade imaginable and the little tubes taunted and teased him.

"Hi boys!" Sophie chuckled at their bewildered looks, "Ludwig thought you might need some help. Actually, he said that the audience wouldn't donate if they ran away in horror." There was a loud crash and shouting through the wall, "Sounds like Liz is already at work! I hope Gilbert is okay. Blood is so not fashionable."

Oh. Good. Lord. Matthew wasn't sure Gil and Francis would last long enough to make it on the stage. They might win by default or at least come in second.

Sophie dived in enthusiastically, probably viewing them all as the baby sisters she never had, but Ivan fidgeted and Yong Soo whined. Matthew almost got poked in the eye twice. Some of that stuff wasn't too bad but the mascara was killer. Sophie stepped back and let them look in the mirror before bursting into laughter and running from the room.

Matthew looked at Yong Soo first. The bouncy Korean's hair was curled, his eyebrows plucked and his usual curl still sticking up obstinately, bobbing around his head like a retarded halo. Sophie had done his make-up to make his face look softer and rounder and he had heavy emphasis on his brown eyes. He grinned like a maniac, his white teeth gleaming against painted lips, and twirled. He actually kinda looked like a girl. Not a knock-out, drop dead gorgeous girl, but at least of the female persuasion. He happily wandered off to pick their clothing, wearing only the padded bra and underwear they had been given earlier.

Matthew glanced at himself next. His eyes widened and he had to look around to make sure no one else was in the mirror. Alfred was right! He should've been born a girl. Sophie had opted to only lightly do him up and the blush highlighted his fine cheekbones while the shadow accented his big, blue eyes. A pink gloss covered his lips and a matching pink was painted on his nails. His wavy hair was always nice (shut up – just because he spent $50 on shampoo and conditioner a month and threatened to chop off Alfred's fingers if he so much as smelled it) but the silk flowers clipped artfully to the side were pretty nice. He tilted his head in wonder and gave a small smile. He fought the urge to check behind him again.

"Matvey is beautiful."

Matthew blushed. He knew he ought to punch Ivan for that.

He turned around to say something and stopped dead.

Ivan was the ugliest woman on the planet. No wonder Sophie ran away crying with laughter. His height worked against him, but women could be tall. No, it was the simple fact that no amount of make-up could ever change his poor, big nose. It stuck out from his face like a mountain peak between two (still) wide brows (he wasn't too thrilled with the idea of waxing them). He had already scratched the wig (probably chosen to hide his similarly big ears) out of place and rubbed off the lipstick. He looked down with an amused smile.

"You're… wearing make-up." Nice save. "Let's go get dressed."

Once they were dressed and assembled on the stage, he got a look at the competition. If Ivan was ugly, poor Berwald was outright hideous. The Trio were grinning and waving. Francis was gracefully sporting business causal slacks and a silk blouse. He would have been pretty good except for the tiny fact he this had his facial hair. Maybe he was hoping it wouldn't be noticeable from a distance. The rest of his hair was probably the reason he had opted for a long sleeve shirt and flowing pants and a silk scarf around his neck. Toni had his wig up in a bun with red carnations and had on a frilly red dress. He was cheerfully swishing it around and commenting to his friends how cool it looked.

"I think he shaved!" Yong Soo whispered in awe at the smooth legs and high heels.

Matthew stared at Gilbert. The Albino had somehow found a waist-length wig that had been fashioned to dramatically flair every which way (judging by the hairspray fallout, Gil was probably high as a kite) and was wearing a completely indecent short black skirt, skin tight top, and a loose jacket that hid the fact he didn't have any curves. Liz must have had a field day with his make-up because he lost his demonic look and had settled on the bad girl your mother warned you about. The half smirk and tilted chin only completed the look.

Matthew flushed in embarrassment… he had a little problem. That was threatening to be a big problem. Come ON! He wasn't a wishy-washy teenager and he wasn't into girls, so why now? Ivan was never particularly jealous of Gilbert, and Matthew had never really thought about it, but what if there was an old flame flickering? That made him feel guilty and worried. He knew he wasn't going to get back with Gil but he worried that Ivan wouldn't see it the same way.

Which meant Ivan could never find out. For Gil's safety and their relationship.

He looked at the judges: Roderich, Toris, and Kiku. Well, at least they would ATTEMPT to be unbiased. Arthur was glaring out from the first row, phone at the ready. He was probably going to give Al a blow-by-blow account of the whole thing. That was, if he could get his eyes off Francis' crotch. Sophie, Liz, and Mei sat to the side, chatting about their 'projects.' Matthew saw a lot more familiar faces and he wanted the earth to swallow him up and drop him in a lava pit.

He swore this all the time, but this time he really meant it: Alfred was going to die! Slowly and painfully.

"Okay, would all the participants walk the catwalk slowly so the judges can see you? Team Ice, please go first!"

Matthew stared at Yong Soo, who looked equally panicked. Ivan was too busy snickering as Berwald gamely tried to stride sexily along in his outfit.

"We don't have a team name!"

"Oh, oh, how about LoveDream! Or… or… DreamLove! Or CrazyLovers… I know, MagicDreamHappiness!" Yong Soo suggested rapidly, "Ooo, MagicDreamLove!"

Ivan looked down with a frown, "Those are stupid."

Gilbert chuckled from the other side, "You mean retarded. We all knew Matt-man is a little special."

"L-let's think about this logically!" Matthew pleaded and linked arms with Ivan to keep him from pummeling Gilbert. A laugh was bubbling in his chest. He wasn't good at naming things. Then again, he didn't name a male pitbull Daisy. Clearly names weren't everything in his contest, "How about we use our initials!"

"IMYS? YSMI? MIYS?" Yong Soo rattled off. "SYMI? MYSI?"

"I see, you see, my see." Gilbert chanted. "I see a pack of 'tards!"

"MYSI's kinda cool." Yong Soo said, ignoring the albino and rubbing his chin, "MYSI3! Because every good name has a number!" Before they could agree, he bounced off to Ludwig, who was playing host, and whispered the name to him. Ludwig raised a brow (probably either thinking it was utter nonsense OR pleased that it wasn't something stupid).

"Give a hand, ladies and gentlemen, next is the… Bad Touch Trio." Ludwig was gritting his teeth by the end of the name and looked like he wanted to smack his head into a nearby wall.

"Hi everyone! I love you all!" Toni whooped and sashayed across the stage, wiggling his hips and the frills energetically. Feliciano, who was a few rows back, was shaking his stupefied brother in concern while the rest of the crowd went wild. Toni slowed down to give the audience a good view of his behind before tagging off Francis. Francis flipped his hair back and strode, pausing dramatically for effect before blowing kisses to the audience. Unlike his partner's, his attempts to win the crowd weren't very success. He passed off to Gilbert grumbling in French under his breath.

Ivan smiled and leaned his way, "Ah, good try, my friend. But perhaps if you did not look as though you were a—what was it Alfred called it? – ah, a 'woman of the night', you would have more luck."

Gilbert, on the other hand, was skipping subtle. He clicked his heels sharply against the stage, the shit-eating grin never leaving his face. He leaned over a few times and pretended to inspect a tear in his pantyhose stockings with a noise before ripping it further. He shook his head in mock despair and flicked his hair back with attitude.

Yong Soo was alternating between laughing and gagging but Ivan (and the judges) was watching Gilbert's performance with a critical eye. Toris looked like he really wanted some alcohol while Roderich's mouth was pursed into an almost invisible line. Kiku was giving a small, pleased smile. No doubt he was looking to add to his picture collection.

"Last but not least, we have team MYSI3!"

Yong Soo bounded up and twirled, his long folds of fabric swishing merrily behind him. He did a few experimental jumps before doing full out flips. The audience gasped in surprise and burst into applause. Gilbert grumbled about stupid Korean show offs. He twirled one last time and gave a deep bow towards the judges. Kiku, for once, didn't look fratricidal and the other two were nodding. Matthew thought that was a good sign. Yong Soo mostly stuck around his family, so he didn't really have the bias of the BBT.

Ivan went next. Matthew couldn't watch. It wasn't _as_ bad as Berwald but it was clear that even in low heels he was having trouble. Probably because heels weren't _made _to fit his size foot comfortably. He also seemed uncomfortable in front of the audience because there was a slight red on his cheeks when he returned. Matthew reached over and gave his hand an encouraging squeeze. The crowd clapped dutifully.

Nervously, he tottered forward. He latched onto Arthur, who was staring at him like he'd morphed into a My Little Pony. It was actually a little disturbing to see the stars in his big, green eyes. His eyebrows were clear up his forehead and in his hairline. He gave a giant, gooey grin and waved bonelessly.

O-kay, creep-y.

Matthew looked at Sophie instead. She had coached all of them on what to think about for their 'routine' before taking her seat. She urged Matthew to play the 'innocent.' Don't take big, sure strides. Pause and look around from under your bangs and lashes. Play with your curls. Fiddle with your outfit. And BLUSH boy!

Turns out those were all easy things for him to do. By the time he made it back to the stage, the crowd was clapping and aww-ing. He sighed in relief. Now it was over and he could go home. Alfred would owe him back massages and prime video game time forever. Ivan would insist he dress up in some maid outfit for some role-play. And he could have some comfort pancakes…

"Now, we will take a slight break while the contestants get ready for the next challenge."

WHAT?

"The next contest is cooking, so contestants, discuss the meal you will be presenting to the judges. The theme is desserts."

The curtains went down and Ludwig's voice boomed from the other side as he solicited donations. He sounded like a shady human trafficker all of a sudden. Matthew frowned. He was a college student; he didn't cook!

Yong Soo pouted, "Obviously, kimchi is best; it was created in Korea after all! But… it takes time to make."

"You eat kimchi for dessert?"

"Kimchi is mana from heaven. Good Koreans eat it for every meal! It is good for digestion, blood, heart, to fight against cancer, the liver, the spleen, the stomach, and the bowels. Plus, it helps keep you healthy and your penis strong. It is Korean yogurt!" Yong Soo said tilting his head and pointing his finger at the world at large.

"Sounds more like Korean steroids." Francis murmured to Toni, "And probably just as pleasing to the palette. We have this in the bag."

"Haha, yes, serve that shit up! We'd be sure to win then." Gilbert cackled, "Although the stuff isn't too bad. Kind of like some sauerkraut with a bit of kick to it."

Yong Soo drew himself up and puffed out his chest looking like an aggravated robin, "Kimchi is _nothing_ like your stinky cabbage! It is steeped in decades of tradition and dedication and gochu jang! How insulting!"

"_Moi Dieu_, a part of my soul just died. Uncouth heathens." Francis said, rolling his eyes, "Gilbert, surely you have learned _something_ from your brother?"

"Just his porn collection… oh you mean kitchen shit? Nah, that's way too pussy for me."

Francis sighed, "You know the German cake boss is nothing compared to his snooty Austrian cousin. Ah, well, you can't go wrong with French cuisine."

Ivan was vaguely listening. With a perplexed look, he turned to Matthew, "Matvey said Alfred wins every year. Yet this competition requires more than a microwave. I fail to see how he has won."

Matthew gave a rueful smile, "Al is good at cooking three things: BBQ ribs, hamburgers and a _killer_ apple pie."

Ivan started laughing, scaring the other contestants out of their arguments.

Matthew deadpanned, "I'm not kidding."

"That is scary," Ivan said in a hushed tone.

There was a moment of silence from all parties in the room.

"Churros!" Toni suddenly proclaimed, "Everyone loves Churros!"

Each team broke off into separate kitchen areas on the stage. Matthew sighed. Well, pancakes could be for dessert, right? He sighed. He didn't think most people ate pancakes for dessert. Well, they couldn't do kimchi. He looked hopefully at Ivan, who shook his head, "My sister is a very good cook!" Translation: I'm a lazy, manly slob who can't cook. At this point Matthew was wishing they did have Yao; he seemed to at least have a notion of how to be in the kitchen without blowing anything up or burning it down.

If Alfred could make a pie, so could he!

Matthew rooted around and smiled. This would work. It would do nicely. He turned to his two newly dubbed helpers and they got to work. (FF to the future!)

Matthew and his team gazed proudly at their creation. Yong Soo proudly proclaimed that he was the master of Cooking Mama. Matthew, on the other hand, was suddenly grateful for all those cooking shows he ended up watching with Francis post-sex (yes, Francis was seriously weird – but since Matthew wouldn't let him smoke, they had to compromise). Ivan just looked like he wanted to eat it. Matthew swatted his hand away.

When it was placed between Team Ice's plate of glorified pancakes (dammit, pancakes could be a dessert!) and Francis'… sparkling concoction of utter Frenchiness pounds of butter and sugar wrapped in a delectable dress, it looked a little humble.

Fuck Frenchy Fuckface Francis and his culinary prowess!

Each judge eyed the food, checking the presentation, before taking small pieces. Matthew anxiously watched Roderich. If anyone was going to be a blatant jackass about the taste, I'd be him. Roderich was having a stare down with the pie over his glasses. He gave a dainty sniff then let it touch his lips ever so slightly. Satisfied it wasn't laced with cyanide, he took a little nibble. His thin eyebrows shot up and his lips quirked in pleasant. He took a larger bite and gave a small nod. Pass.

Matthew sighed with relief. He wasn't sure his love of maple syrup would translate into a good pie. But it seems the gamble paid off. Well, Kiku was making a face, but he made it at all the dishes. From what Alfred said, Kiku didn't care much for sweets.

Ludwig let it run its course before shooing them off stage for their final "challenge."

"I think this sucks!" Mathias was stomping around, definitely not looking lady like. He tossed his blonde wig down and crossed his arms in a huff. "Bad enough I got a run in my hose, but how are we supposed to pull a fashion show off! AND put on a little show? I'll show them my fucking fist. That Ludwig is a right asshole; you know he planned this!"

Tino snickered, "Probably. For some reason he wants to humiliate his brother."

Gilbert leaned in, "Lame Loser Luddy's got nothin' on me. Besides, Liz and the girls actually planned this with that Polish chick-guy-whatever. Still think you're going to win, Tiny Tame Tino?"

Matthew kept his face straight as Tino causally stuck out his foot and tripped the strutting albino.

"Oh dear, you should be more careful in heels. It would be awful if you had to forfeit because you twisted your ankle." Tino said sweetly as he walked off. Mathias grumbled and followed. Berwald gave Gilbert a long stare of Death before following.

Matthew read the rules: "In this fashion show, you need to use your talents to work together. One person will be the designer, one person will implement the design, and the final person will be the model."

Yong Soo leapt up, "I am really good at designs! I love fashion. Real fashion was invented in Korea, not Japan."

Ivan and Matthew shared a look.

"Do we have a choice?"

Ivan regretfully shook his head.

"But Matvey should be the model." Ivan said looking a little bashful and running a big hand over Matthew's face lightly, "Matvey is very beautiful."

"You were good too!" Matthew stumbled over the words and Ivan gave him the 'bullshit' look. He looked at his feet before mumbling, "I think you're beautiful. For a guy anyway. You make an awful woman!"

Ivan nodded in agreement.

"Can you make whatever Yong Soo dreams up? It could be crazy, you know."

Ivan gave a toothy smile, "Sister taught me how to sew. I am quite good."

"What next? Knitting grandma?" Gilbert butted in from his pow pow.

"I am quite good with knitting needles. They are built very well as weapons for orifices," Ivan agreed pleasantly. Matthew was sure he'd be more than happy to stab a needle into Gilbert's ear and rearrange his brains for him. Not that there seemed to be very many in there.

Yong Soo came running back. He glared at Gilbert, "Go away thief."

Gilbert waved his hand and collapsed in a position that no women would ever do in such a short skirt. He noticed Matthew looking and leered.

Matthew stared at the designs. He had expected stick figures and crayons. Instead he was presented with several well drawn designs.

"Wow, Yong Soo, those are really good! You're really talented!" Matthew exclaimed in surprise. Yong Soo hunched his shoulders and looked away in embarrassment. In a small voice he asked, "You really think so?"

Matthew realized that maybe Yong Soo wasn't nearly as confident as he pretended. He sounded so hopeful… so starved for praise.

"Yes, they are very good. Why aren't you an art major?"

Yong Soo scuffled his foot like a little boy, "Yao-_hyung_ says I shouldn't waste my time. But he let's Kiku work on his video games and dirty comics. It's not fair! I thought if I help you Alfred's brother and creepy ex that Yao-_hyung_ would be happy. But – but I want Yao-_hyung_ to say nice things to me too. So I take business classes. They're boring but I will have a good job with Samsung… then I'll be rich and handsome and successful! Yao-_hyung_ will have to smile and say nice things then."

Ivan opened his mouth to say something and Matthew cut him off with a glare. Instead he tentatively gave the Korean a hug.

Ivan's eyebrows furrowed then he looked like he was considering something, "I will speak to Yao-yao if we win."

"You will? Really? _Kamsamnida_ – I mean, thank you!" Yong Soo bounced over to Ivan and grabbed him in a huge hug. The Russia recoiled as much as he could with an energetic leech latched to his middle. Matthew just smiled and snapped a photo with his phone. "You're not bad for a creepy stalker!"

At that point Ivan hugged back and there was an audible crack. Yong Soo let go and clutched his lower back giving Ivan a dirty look. Then he brightened and handed over the designs. They looked at them carefully before Matthew approved one that wasn't too bad. Luckily they had a whole closet full of donated clothing, so Ivan didn't really have to sew anything if he didn't want to. He just had to find the appropriate clothing and possibly alter them.

He actually seemed to warm to the task of dressing Matthew, letting his fingers linger a bit longer than appropriate. Occasionally he leaned forward to inspect something and let his lips brush against the fabric and his breath ghosting through the weave.

"Thank you for being nice," Matthew finally said, partly to distract Ivan. It wouldn't be good to swish on stage as the sweet young women with a boner. Yong Soo was out and "scouting" the other teams' designs. Ivan shrugged it off, "No, I mean it Ivan. You never would've done this before, and I know you're doing it for me."

Ivan's fingers lingered on a button, "Matvey is kind. It is… something I want? Good? Estimable!"

Matthew tried not to giggle. Sometimes Ivan knew the strangest words. And he was becoming so much more open and stable. Not that he was total psychopath before but he had seemed so under socialized. Not to mention his issues with Natalia and Kat… and Gilbert and Ludwig and Felicity and… well, most of humanity from time to time. Matthew wouldn't call himself a social butterfly but at least he didn't go and rip pipes out of the wall or throw people out windows or say awful things for fun. Over the last year he'd changed a lot. Matthew was proud of him. His chest gave a squeeze and he blushed. He felt incredibly mushy but he had to say it.

"Ivan," Matthew gently grabbed his chin so they were face to face, "I am very proud of you. You can be wonderful when you really want to and you try so hard."

Ivan's whole pale face flooded with color and he tried to turn away. Matthew wouldn't let him. Instead he looked into his eyes, trying to convey his sincerity, and then kiss the big nose. He might have originally fallen in lust, and he really wasn't sure there ever was a honeymoon period, but he was sure that he loved the man underneath now. Ivan was good for him and he hoped he was good for Ivan. Besides, Matthew was quite sure that if Alfred sensed Ivan was a bad person their relationship would never have gone anywhere. Despite being an utter moron most of the time, Alfred was usually quite good at seeing through people's intentions and masks. And he was fiercely protective of the people he loved. Plus, he probably would've kicked Ivan in the crotch the first time Ivan laid a finger on him while screaming self-defense! And would have continued kicking and screaming before giving himself the willies and going wailing off on the horizon.

"Alfred's brother! Creepy but nice stalker! I think…" Yong Soo's mouth dropped open. He snapped it shut and twitched impatiently as they finished the kiss. He then adopted an expression eerily similar to Yao's, "Do that later! This is no time for kissy-kissy! We have five minutes."

They finished dressing him quickly. The only thing he worried about was if the BBT chose Francis they would have similar colors. But given the audience's reaction earlier, Francis was probably the designer. A sulky, pissed off designer. Gilbert was going to be walking funny tomorrow more than likely. And everyone knew that Toni was the handiest of the three with everything from knives to tomato plants.

He looked over his outfit. Some of the designs had been a bit overdone but this one wasn't too bad. The little pigtail braids felt funny with ribbons on them and the lace on the sleeves was itchy, but overall it wasn't too indecent or flamboyant. Plus, he was really beginning to see the appeal of skirts and dresses. It made more sense on guys!

The second go around was easier. Matthew even managed a little wave for his adoring crowd.

"I hope they don't want a talent from us!" Tino grinned clearing hoping they were so he could juggle chainsaws or something else shocking. Gilbert would probably challenge them to a belch-off. Matthew giggled a bit. Lady-like on the outside and not anywhere else.

The judges discussed in a small huddle. Ludwig stepped away with a frown. Matthew wasn't good at deciphering his frowns but this one seemed more serious than usual. He walked back to his spot on the stage and the three models scattered back to their groups.

"It seems that the judges are having difficulty choosing a group to win."

Oh shit.

Please don't say another challenge… please don't say another challenge.

"So we are going to poll the audience. Please fill out the paper given and return it to the end of your row."

Matthew sagged in relief.

"I thought they were going to make us dance next." He whispered to Ivan. Yong Soo overheard, "I know some great K-pop routines! It's a lot of fun to dance! Nobody nobody nobody but you~!"

Gilbert, ever nosey, cackled and sung horribly off key, "All the single ladiesss~" While doing an admirable imitation of Beyounce. On cue, Francis and Toni joined him. The three of them finished perfectly, distracting the audience and earning several loud wolf whistles from the crowd.

Matthew was horrified, "Those bastards had it planned out."

Gilbert sashayed over and gave him a pat on the cheek, "We play to win, babydoll. Besides, I have a bet with Luddy that I damn well better win!"

Gilbert smirked. Francis blew kisses. Matthew sat and glared. Ivan sat and stewed. Yong Soo was lip-syncing some Korean pop band and every so often would say random lyrics in English. Soon he had Toni and Mathias repeating after him.

"Baby, you are my beautiful~ hangover. Hangover! We gunna get down down down. Give me love love love~!"

Ludwig cleared his throat and glared at them.

"And now the winners…" Ludwig grandstanded, his face giving away nothing (although he did pause to give a death glare at Yong Soo's humming), "As runner up, Team Ice."

The audience clapped. Berwald's expression changed just a tick, probably in relief. Tino and Mathias smiled and accepted the praise. They didn't seem particularly perturbed by losing.

"Their efforts will give donations to Big Brother, Big Sister." Ludwig said and the audience cheered harder.

Wait… everyone got donations?

"In second place…"

Gilbert snickered and Ludwig shot him a death glare.

"MYSI3!"

The audience exploded into whoops and whistles as well as some not-helpful commentary about taking Matthew out on a date. He turned bright red, suddenly wishing he were invisible again. He didn't see how Alfred ate this stuff up like the finest maple syrup on earth! Ivan was grumbling from beside him and Matthew pre-emptively snatched his hand up. He gave a slight squeeze and was tickled to get one back. God, he was turning into such a sap. Francis and Gilbert would weep at his gooeyness.

They took their bows and accepted the donation for the local animal shelter.

Ludwig's eyebrow was twitching by now and Gilbert was just barely containing himself. Great, his over-inflated ego was going to kill them in a massive explosion when it popped out of his tiny head.

"Winner is the Bad Touch Trio!"

Gilbert pranced on stage and promptly dropped his balls. Literally. Ludwig turned bright red with rage. Roderich had his eyes clenched shut and was pinching the bridge of his nose. Arthur looked torn between utterly scandalized and somewhat fascinated. Kiku and Liz were taking pictures while someone called out from the audience. Lovino's eyes were bugging out of his head and Feliciano was talking to him. Matthew caught a 've, see, I told you Lovi!'

Someone from the crowd shouted: "You can give me some bad touches anytime!"

Gilbert flashed a grin, "Already have! But if you w- gurrrh!"

Gilbert may have been the older brother but Ludwig was bigger, stronger, and pretty pissed. He was wrestled back stage while Sophie wrangled the microphone and thanked everyone for coming and the contestants for participating. She urged everyone to consider donations in the future.

"Al's going to die from jealousy." Matthew realized out loud. And that was the best revenge of all! He was going to be beyond envy when he saw the video Kiku made. And by now he was probably blowing up Arthur's phone, while Arthur was ignoring in favor of sucking face with his on-again-off-again slightly genderbent boyfriend.

Toni came up. Somehow he had cornered Lovino in the crowd and had dragged him and Feliciano backstage, "_Mis amigos_, I say we go out and celebrate. We did a good deed today. Well, except Gilbert…" Toni shrugged to say 'what can you do? It's Gilbert.'

"That sounds great!" Tino replied and Berwald agreed with a nod.

Matthew gave Ivan a friendly bump with his body. The larger man was thinking and frowning. He jumped a little and put a big hand on Matthew's head. It slid slowly down his neck, tickling curly hair, before inching down his spine and resting on his lower back. It's not something Matthew would normally allow in public but everyone here already knew and he was in a good mood.

"Oh my god!" Yong Soo shouted, "You're boyfriends?"

Well, okay, everyone but one knew.

At the sharp look Ivan gave, Yong Soo shrank back. Then he looked hangdog, "We tried our hardest but we didn't win. Now you're not going to speak to Yao-_hyung_."

Ivan stared down, considering, "_Nyet_, I will."

"Thank you creepy but nice stalker Ivan!" Yong Soo did a flying tackle and latched on. Matthew was beginning to see why Yao always complained about his back. He ended up swept in the hug too. "_Kamsamnida!"_

With that he let go and dashed away to catch up with the group, glomping Kiku from behind in a surprise attack. Matthew hoped the pizza place was ready for them. Francis and Arthur were now arguing while Toni poked Lovino's cheek and Feliciano was trying to calm Ludwig down. Ludwig had somehow let go of Gilbert and the punk was MIA. Sophie was just laughing. Kiku, Mei, and Liz had joined them too along with Roderich and a very uncomfortable looking Toris. It was going to be a rowdy dinner.

"C'mon, let's change," Matthew said, "The lace is itchy and I think the make-up is eating a hole in my face."

"Alfred will have pictures… for… for…" Ivan groped for the word. Matthew smirked suddenly, "Blackmail? Only of you. I have counter pictures of him in some pretty compromising positions."

Ivan frowned again, "Matvey…save me! I do not want Alfred to have my picture! I am very ugly!"

Matthew stifled a chuckle and tried to make his voice stern, "And what do I get out of it? It better be something worth it. Something only you can give me."

Of course, the innuendo went sailing over Ivan's head, as it often did.

"Not my scarf!" Ivan retorted quickly.

"Not… not quite what I meant Ivan," Matthew replied. He realized he was going to have to be direct, "Alfred is gone for another day. I think we can reach an agreement. But why don't you kiss me as a down payment?"

And he did. And a big more. But not too much more because dammit all if the pantyhose weren't a major cockblock all their own.

Omake [After the Party]:

"Arthur!"

"Ah, Matthew, thank you for coming. I regret the circumstances."

"Arthur… why are you in jail."

"Ahem, erm…"

"The police thought he was a John." Francis answered from the next cell over. He sighed mournfully and flipped his still-styled hair, "And we were having such a wonderful time…"

"You wanker! It was a public alley and they thought you were a prostitute! This is so humiliating!"

"_Non_, my clothing was far too nice for a cheap hooker!" Francis retorted.

Matthew turned away to go fill out the paperwork. Ivan _had_ warned Francis after all. He also sent Alfred a sly text. Arthur was never going to hear the end of this, and it served him right for dragging Matthew out of bed and Ivan's arms at such an ungodly hour.

*John = man who pays for sex

A/N: An almost completely Al-free chapter! Written to celebrate my [triumphant] return to Korea for another year. It got a little out of control! But I decided not to do surgery on it.

Here's some inspiration for the chapter:

. net/ 600/ 07/ 00/ 387507 .jpg

youtube. com / watch?v= 4m1EFMoRFvY

Or look up Big Bang or KARA for some K-pop. Catchy stuff. Look up "Indian Boy" by MC Mong (with Eng. Subs). It's hilarious.


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